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The Message for June 5, 2016
Bad Blood – The Empathy Approach
Romans 12:18
Rob Miller, Pastor
VIDEO
What a great video. And what a great way to begin our new 4-week series called Bad Blood. I am thankful to Pastor Clay Scroggins at North Point Community Church for providing the resources for this series.
Bad Blood is everywhere. We all have relationships that could be characterized as having bad blood. Maybe it’s a coworker -you just can stand to be around them. Maybe it’s a family member - you are no longer speaking to each other and you are not going to invite them to the next family get-together either. We all have bad blood somewhere in our lives.
Bad blood can infect any relationship.
It happens. A great marriage, a great friendship, a great coworker, a great roommate can experience bad blood in seconds. We don’t want it to happen but it does.
The quality of our lives is only as good as the quality of our relationships.
Is that not true? Maybe you have a relationshipright now with someone that you would characterize as having bad blood. Unfortunately… it’s made your life worse. It causes pain and hurt and anger. The energy it takes to deal with bad blood robs us of the quality of life we want to have.
Happiness comes from peace with God, peace with ourselves, and peace with others.
Over the next few weeks we are going consider somethings to help us live peaceful lives with God, with ourselves, and with others.
Consider this… You can have peace about the relationship even without peace in the relationship.
Think about it. If you have a relationship that has bad blood you can learn to be at peace about that relationship -- even if there is no peace in that relationship – which can bring more joy and happinessinto your life.
The guy who offers us some great insights on all of this is, the apostle Paul. Paul wrote over half the New Testament. He was a prolific writer. He was an extremely passionate guy. Well educated. Trained to be a lawyer, anda religious teacher too. He knew his stuff.
Paul wrote a letter to the Romans and in it we read,
…live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)
To which you may be thinking – easier said, than done, Paul. Thank you very much…
- I guess you didn’t have a mother-in-law…
- I guess you didn’t have a brother or sister…
- I guess you didn’t have a roommate…
- I guess you didn’t have a coworker who was super annoying…
Live at peace with everyone??? Are you kidding Paul??? That’s not possible. Didn’t youhave any problems with people in your life, Paul? Come on… get real…
Oddly enough Paul is being real. He’s been there many times. He knows all too well about bad blood. That’s why these wordscarry such power for us.
Paulwas up to his eyeballs in bad blood. In his former life he persecuted people. He waszealous to stamp out Christianity. He was on a personal mission to get anyone and everyone who claimed to be a follower of Jesus - torture them, put them in prison, orsee to it that they were killed.
Then in a momenthis life changed for good and so too did his personal mission. He met the living Lord, Jesus, in a flash. He literally saw the light and went from being a hater of the church to being a pioneer for the church.
Imagine how difficult his relationships must have been after that. He was now trying to develop a friendship withpeople that he had thrown in prison or family members of those he had tortured or killer. And they are going,“And now you want to hang out with us. You want to befriends. I don’t think so.” Can you imagine?
Paul knew how hard it is to live at peace with everyone. He made a lot of enemies.
He had bad blood on both sides. He had people he persecuted and tortured and now he was trying to have a relationship with them. And he had friends on the other side that used to be coworkers on the same team but now they are enemies. He says live at peace with everyone. Life will be better, you will enjoy it more.
Paul throws in a few more phrases for us to consider. He says,
If it is possible…
live at peace with everyone.
It might not be possible. Paul understands that. Maybe you’ve tried to live at peace with someone. But it didn’t go well or it hasn’t happened yet. You’ve tried everything you can and you don’t know what else to do.
Paul had a lot of enemies on both sides. The people who were his friends are now his enemies and the people he wants to be his friends are his enemies. Paul says the good news is - it may be possible. The bad news is - it may never be possible.
The same is true for us. That relationship you have that is characterized by bad blood there may never be peace in the relationship but you can be at peace about the relationship. Pastor Clay says…
The pursuit of peace even without the promise of peace is not a pointless pursuit.
In other words, it is not a waste of time to pursuit peace even if it doesn’t seem possible. Paul gives us something else to consider. He says,
If it is possible,
as far as it depends on you,
live at peace with everyone.
Paul seems to be saying,“It might not be possible. I’ve seen it happen where I never thought it would happen and it did. I’ve seen where I thought it was going to happen but it didn’t. I can’t take back what I did…” Paul would say. “But I’ve done everything I know to do to pursuit peace with the other person.”
As far as it depends on you… Let’s take a look at this phrase.
As far as it depends on you…
Have you heard the phrase? You do you. It means be yourself. Don’t try to be someone else. Be you. We tell our children to be youall the time,“be yourself and not someone else. You be you…”
Of course in our self-centered society that phrase may need to be reinterpreted. So let’s consider why Paul says it depends on you… Here’s why,because in a relationship characterize by bad blood where do you spend all of your energy? On the other person, right?
All your energy is directed towards them…
If they would change.
If they would stop doing thus and so.
If they would quit being so selfish.
If they would apologize to me.
If they would admit they were wrong
If they would pay back what they owe then maybe we could have some kind of relationship.
Paul says,“Stop focusing on the other person-- consider you.” Ask yourself,What can I do about this?
As far as it depends on you.
Let’s consider this word - depends. It has a few other meanings in our culture. Certain products that help us deal with…well you know… leakage… But let’s not go there andget sidetracked… Instead let me ask you this: What depends on you? In a bad relationship what depends on you? What is your part?
When one of our children fails to pick up a toyor their shoes after the second or thirtieth time I ask them -- I start yelling… My emotions get the best of me.“I told you to pick this up and if I have to pick it up I am going to throw it out if you don’t do something about it right now.” I feel better about yelling. I get it out of my system. Of course, my wife is over their looking at me like, why are you being such a bone head???
And then a little later on one of my children will start yelling at the other one. And I will calmly say, “Why are you yelling at each other? We don’t do that in this family.” “Oh yes we do dad! You do it all the time…you yell at us…” Busted…
Paul says, As far as it depends on you.
There is a distance… a length toit… Maybe you think you’ve done allyou can do. Maybe you feel as thoughyou have gone as far as you can go.
Question: can you go any further?
Okay I understand that you might not be able to speak to the other person right now… but is there’s some step you can take? I understand you don’t feel like being around that person right now but are you open to the idea that maybe there is something else you can do?
If you are wondering when is enough, enough? When is it time to just give up? We’ll talk about that later on in this series. Let me say this, sometimes the responsible thing to do is - stop. To say enough is enough with this relationship. I’m done!
But until then ask yourself this question: Can I take one more step Can I go any further? Because…
Peace is possible for you when you’ve done all that you can do.
Here’s why, most of us are not content to have a relationship with bad blood. It eats away at us. And even if there can’t be peace in the relationship there can be peace about the relationship. Peace is possible for you when you can look in the mirror and say that you have done all that you can do. I’m done.
If it is possible,
as far as it depends on you,
live at peace with everyone.
There is one step all of us can take. It’s a big step in being able to say, I have done all that I can do for this relationship.
Pastor Clay gives this example, And it’s a good one… Golf and putting… green is breaking… grain of the grass… adjust accordingly…
Pro golfers walk all the way around to the other side and they look at it from the other side. They might see something from the otherside to change how toapproach it from this side. They might see something over there that they would have never seen over here. How much do you see over here 80-90%. But every now and then you walk to the other side and you see something that changes everything.
When it comes to our relationship that have bad blood, let just say itlooks like this…
Me You
We have a good relationship. Things are going well. There is health and kindness and mutual respect then all of a sudden… something happens… And the relationship looks like this
Me You
There is bad blood… There is distance. This person is now a frenemy… Someone you just can’t understand. Some days it cool and everything is good -- then the next you are enemies and you done want to be around that person.
Then things get complicated… It go from bad to worse and the relationship looks like this…
MeYou
We’re not even connected….
The step that all of us can takeat this point is the step of empathy.
The long walk around to the other side, to see it from a different perspective. Doing so and we might feel it in a way we’ve never felt it before. Empathy is a powerful tool to bring health into our relationships.
Theresa Wiseman a nursing scholar identified…
Four qualities of empathy
- Taking on their perspective as truth
- Suspending your judgment
- Recognizing their emotion
- Communicating that emotion
Empathy is different than sympathy.
Sympathy is simply acknowledging what the other person feels.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
The only way to do that is to take the long walk around from your side to the other side.
In any difficult relationship, empathy can be the key to open up the dialogue that leads to a healthy relationship. “Hey I need to hear your story. I need to understand what you are feeling. I need to put myself in your shoes – or in your feet.”
If we continue to approach that bad blood relationship from our side,it’s not going to help. As long as we continue to see it from our side we will continue to reaffirm what we already know and what we already feel. If we want to find peace in the relationship orpeace about the relationship we have to take the long walk around.
Whatever bad blood is in your life there may never be peace in the relationship but you can be at peace about the relationship.
Have you taken the long walk of empathy to the other side?
I know youdon’t want you. I know it’s a hard walk to make. I know you might start feeling sorry for that person and that annoys you because you want to be mad at them. You don’t want to let them off the hook. And you know that if you go and listen to their story, and put yourself in their shoes, and hear about their childhood then you’ll have to excuse them for what they did. No you don’t. You do not have to excuse what he or she did.
The long walk around might help you make sense out of what he or she did to you. And you might just learn that it wasn’t a personal attack on you. You might learn it was a simple misunderstanding on your part. Or you might learn that the other person is simply a jerk. And what he or she did wasn’t directed at you, he/she treat everybody that way.
“Now that I know what you were feeling, I realize this wasn’t about me. This had way more to do with you and what was going on in your life…”
It may not heal the relationship but it might bring you more peace about the relationship. Consider this: Is it possible their behavior has a logical explanation?
You would probably say,“No, it does not! Their behavior is irrational… It doesn’t makes any sense to me!”
So let me put it this way:Is it possible their behavior has a logical explanation to them?
Probably – because we arehuman beings. Pastor Clay said he remembers this quote from seminary…
Human beings are the creatures who are able to behave irrationally in the name of reason. Ashley Montagu
We do thatoh so well. Dogs don’t do that. Cats don’t do that. Horses don’t do that. We can behave in really, really bad ways and explain it as being logical.
When it comes to that long walk around, you don’t need to tell the other person you are doing it. You don’t need to call them or text them or email them to tell them “Hey I am really trying to see this from your side.” They don’t need to know what you are doing.
Walk around so you can see the situation from their perspective. You are doing it for you. So you can understand them.
Write it down Write down what you discover in a journal or a letter to yourself. We really don’t think about things until we write them down. And then maybe, just maybe, you can talk with them about what you see from their perspectiveand what they feel about the situation, maybe…
This is the very core of who God is and how God is with us. God took the long walk of empathy to come to us. God crammed all of his divinity into Jesus,into a human being who took the long walk to planet earth to feel what we feel, to become one of us.
God communicated through angels and clouds and tablets and other human beings. Then God said enough is enough. I’m going to come and walk in your shoes, walk in your feet. And God did. And God wrote it all down here in the Bible for us.
Jesusknows how we feel when we have bad bloodrelationships. He’s been there. He’s been here. He didn’t have to come but he did. That’s why Jesus can say to us…
When I ask you to forgive – I’m just saying forgive as I have forgiven you.
When I ask you to love – I’m just saying love as I have loved you.
When I ask you to show mercy – I’m just saying show mercy as I have been merciful to you.
When you make the long walk of empathy you are mirroring what Jesus did for you.
Jesus took the long walk to not simply understand our bad blood but to fix our bad blood through the cross. He tells us to go and if it is possible fix the bad blood – love, forgive, be merciful...
If it is possible,
as far as it depends on you,
live at peace with everyone. Amen.
(Next Week - our topic will be - Bad Blood Holding On.)