JOHN GRAY – BEYOND VENUS AND MARS
MARTIANS and VENUSIANS
Flustered by the frustrating communication style of the opposite sex? You’re not alone. But with a little insight and understanding, you can create less stressful, more fulfilling connections with your mate based on the ideas of John Gray, PH.D., best selling relationship author.
John Gray is the author of 15 best-selling books, including “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” which has sold over 30 million copies in 40 languages. An expert in the field of communication, he offers ways to effectively manage stress and improve relationships at all stages and ages of life.
Concepts covered in the film: Why communication is the key to keeping passion alive.
How to score points with your mate.
How the sexes differ in coping with stress.
Why the sexes are so different and what we can do about it.
John Gray says, “We’re just too different.”
“You’re supposed to be different!”
“The real issue in relationships is how we communicate.”
“Men communicate in a different way than women. We communicate in different language – our meanings are different.”
“Ask men, ‘what’s wrong?’ Mensay ‘nothing.” It means nothing! Nothing to women means something is wrong!”
“The first 3 years of a relationship – there is passion and attraction. Communication is what keeps the passion alive in a relationship. After 3 years, men tend to lose interest in the relationship. Women tend to complain about the relationship.”
The Home Improvement Committee: He’s the target! Women have the “improvement gene.” They want to improve and change him.
“Men want things to stay the same. Anytime you tell him to change, he’ll go the other direction.”
“Women tend to give unsolicited advice.” “Men want to tell women how they should feel.”
Example: “Oh, you shouldn’t be upset.”
Men are concerned if they are successful in making women happy.
Women should say, “Wow I’m so glad I don’t have your job,” to men. It’s effective.
“Whenever a woman is happy, it brings a man up.” “When a man is happy, it does little for a woman.”
“Men, noticing things makes women happy.” Example: Noticing her new haircut.
“Men, do something without her having to ask.” Be spontaneous.
Martian’s have an ‘Efficiency Gene.” “Never do anything you don’t have to do.” Venusians call this lazy. Venusians lives are not always about efficiency.
Venusians complain that Martians always have to be right.
Statistically men talk more on the 3rd date than any other date in the relationship. They believe ‘you should know” how they feel.
The Venusian Scoring System: “Men, you have to do the little stuff. Noticing, complimenting. You score points by doing the dating stuff. Do big things – get more points – it’s Martian thinking. Venusians don’t think that way. The big stuff is not more important to Venusians.” Women give equal points for every act of love. Men give more points for big things.
Example: Roses verses a potted plant. Women want the cut flowers. Men want to do it once and never have to do it again!
Example: Wrapping a present is just as important as the present! The card is more important than the present!
Big stuff counts too: 1) Go to work and provide for her. It’s who you are for her. She needs to
feel he can take care of her if necessary.
2) Come home from work. Call if you’re traveling, for example.
3) Be monogamous. You get a point for being monogamous.
Men have difficulty thinking and feeling at the same time. Gray compares it to Left and Right brain, and men’s difficulty being in both brains (without one being dominant).
Brain Differences: Men’s brains start bigger and end up smaller. Men have brain shrinkage. Men’s bodies don’t produce Vitamin C. Women’s bodies produce Vitamin C. Women’s connective tissue between L and R brain is thicker. They can do many things at once and can multi-task with ease. Men can’t do that.
“Men are simple creatures. Tell us what you want!”
Games: “Hide and Seek.,” Women may hide to see if the Martian still wants to find her when he comes home. When men hide, it’s in their “caves” and they don’t want to be found.
Coping with stress: We don’t understand how we cope differently with stress. Men cope with stress by solving problems. Men become experts at solving problems.
Women talk about problems in order to solve them. Men, never say “don’t worry about it.” Men will just forget it if they can’t solve it. Women continue talking about it.
“Women love it when men say, ‘Oh, you’re doing so much.’” It’s validation of her services!
“Let him off the hook.” “If Martians do one thing like leave a glass out but they cleaned the kitchen, let them off the hook.”
Gray ends with an exercise to invigorate us. He says when you’re burning fat, you don’t get tired. He believes that feeling good about self and life makes us better at our relationships.