MEMOIRS OF BRIAN M DECK (part 2)
To Judith, Rachel, Terence, Paul and Patrick.
To my beloved Children,
While not wishing to project myself or place undue emphasis upon the sorrows of these past fifteen or more years, I am also aware that in years to come you may wish to know just what transpired and therefore, while I am still able, I should put on record certain salient events which make my present position clear. In doing this there is no desire to reproach you or your beloved Mother as you were only obeying the dictates of a false system, which I myself earlier helped to build, but from which I am now delivered and judge to have become worse than the worst sect in Christendom because of pretension to more light and the rash claim to be the church and also its refusal to judge both ecclesiastical and moral evil. Unless you too have had your eyes opened to see all in the light, and been delivered from the domination of man, you may not care for what I am writing. But I ask you to bear with me and read on. I have no other motive than my love for our Lord Jesus and His chief interest here in the assembly, and, needless to say, my love for you all. I think it would be fair to say our earlier family life was a happy one. I would not say our marriage was perfect. We were both somewhat highly strung, liking our own way which sometimes clashed, but in general the Lord helped us and we loved each other. Mother was a very good wife to me and a very good Mother to you all. It is Satan’s work to divide families and violate the marital bond.
In beginning this history I need not go back further than the year 1972 Sept 5th when I was withdrawn from, for alleged interference at Westport 14 years previously, despite the fact of a full clearance from Westport. I was told later on good authority that I was one of seven in NZ named to be ‘put out’ and if there was no charge to find one! I am inwardly convicted there was no basis for such severe action. However I accepted the judgement and left the room. Mother was withdrawn from the next week for refusing rightly to leave me. We stayed together like that for nearly a year — both heartbroken for you children and our brethren, and doing all we could to get back in fellowship — but to no avail. Then the so- called “priests” called on Mother and persuaded her to ask me for a Separation on the promise that if we just faced that matter all would be well and in a few weeks we would all be together again. We both struggled with this knowing it to be wrong, but finally, to demonstrate how subject we were, decided to do as we were told. You Paul arranged an appointment with Pitt & Moore, Nelson, and told me to go over ‘on my own steam’. When you said that I knew I just could not be there and went off into a remote forest all day and, I confess, wept like a child. The only thing that brought me back was knowing Mother’s anxiety. The next week we signed the wretched Deed of Separation and Mother left home on June 6th 1972 and was, as we say, back in fellowship. The promise of a few weeks meant nothing! It was a lie. I heard nothing for 2½ years. Then a person came up to me in a shop in Nelson and said “I am sorry your wife is so poorly,” I said “What do you mean?” Then she told me Mother was in the Mental Hospital. I came straight over to you Paul and you admitted nothing until I told you what I knew. This was distressing because, unlike you, you had not kept your word. I then went over to the hospital and talked to the Doctor (an Indian doctor not a christian) who confirmed Mother had been there six weeks and was very depressed and would not eat. I asked the doctor ‘Do you know why she is here?’ He replied ‘No’. I said ‘If I can speak with you in confidence I will tell you why she is here,’ and told him everything. He thanked me and said ‘Now I know what to do’. He then said ‘I want you to see your wife’. This was more than I had hoped for. We had not seen each other for 2 years. The doctor himself went to get her and she came shuffling in — stooped and drawn and depressed. I just could not describe my feelings at that point. She had been so well. Mother lifted her eyes and saw me and fell instinctively into my arms like a homing pigeon. I kissed her on each check. It was then the dreadful struggle began as she realised she should not be with her husband, and in trying to pull away said ‘You kissed me but I did not kiss you’. It was at this point my eyes began to be opened. I saw the dreadful struggle in one I so loved, being torn by the demands of a cruel, callous and heartless system away from the sweetest marital bond in nature as ordained by God, and the conviction rose within me ‘This is not Christianity’. The doctor saw it all and a social worker he had called in to witness. They were very good to me and said I could come any time day or night — which I did until Mother was well enough to say I should not come any more. I should have insisted on her return home but did not once do so because I was not yet clear in my judgment of that wicked system. As you know, soon Mother got better and another lapse of years passed.
During that time I had the one and only visit by the ‘priests’ and took, I think, humble ground over the Westport charge, but when I ventured to ask some straight questions as to other matters, I found I was talking to two brothers not just lacking but devoid of the grace of God. They left and I knew I would not see them again and nor have I, except once in regard to the Street preaching which I shall refer to later on in this sad treatise.
I admit these were very difficult times. The loneliness was dreadful. I shut myself off and talked to no one. Sometimes I watched the brethren come and go (until they put up an ugly tin fence) and sometimes saw Mother. This was almost unbearable — so near and yet so far. It was during this time that I must have had some kind of nervous breakdown myself — I do not yet know what it was, but can fully understand the inward agony of mind those in mental stress go through. There is a kind of inward force or irresistible power that takes over to put into effect what the poor distraught mind has planned in meticulous detail and care. There is no stopping it but the person knows exactly what they are doing. In review this is just what happened. I planned to take a single lunch and one flask of coffee, climb to the top of Mt. Cambell (Brown Acre) and after consuming all my food, keep walking down the other side into the bush until I could walk no more — and never be found. And this is exactly what I proceeded to do. Parked my car carefully on the Shaggery Road and started up the Brown Acre track all alone. I must have climbed very fast because I was on the top by noon eating my last lunch by the trig-station. Of course I knew the country well from old days, but now I was physically soft and unfit and was almost convulsed with cramp. I finished my lunch and then what? That inward force (no doubt it was Satan) was driving me on to destroy me. I started down the other side knowing full well what was involved. Then for some reason I stopped. There was not another human being within miles. But God was there. I found myself beside a large flat rock projecting about 2 ft above the ground. I am sure I could find it again. Then I had a longing to pray and knelt down beside this big flat rock. And I heard a voice. Whether it was actual or literal or real I do not know — but to me it was as clear and decisive as could be. The two word utterance was a divine intervention — it was to change my course and indeed to save and change my life. The voice simply said ‘Go home’. I knew I had to obey and did, but I was utterly exhausted by the time I got home in a late evening in Feb. and it took me over a week to get over it and told no one. But my life was changing - God had spoken unmistakably. I now began to talk to others and read extensively the ministry of J.N.D., J.B.S., F.E.R., JT, and others, and above all — my Bible. This was my life line. Also about this time I developed a hobby of inlaid stone work. It began by making two tubs for myself and taking them up to a Nursery for suitable plants to put in them, the Nursery-man asked ‘Where did you get these from?’ When I told him he said ‘Can you make some for me?’ That is how it started and before long I was supplying three Nurseries who took everything I could make — tubs, stepping-stones; tables, bird-baths etc. I worked really hard and earned quite a deal of money. But half the fun was collecting the stones and I soon knew the places on the beaches and rivers to go. One evening up the Motueka River I saw an elderly man trout fishing and after he hooked a fish it took him about 10 minutes to land it — and it looked good fun! So I bought a license and the needed fishing gear and started doing the same. I caught quite a few trout. But I believe God gave me these things to do physically to keep me out of the mental hospital and being overwhelmed by my sorrow. But that was not the real answer as I shall show.
By now I was talking freely to others and inevitably heard things that confirmed my fears that the system developed under J.T.Jr and J.H.S. was fast becoming a radical and serious departure from the truth of the Gospel and the assembly, though at that point I was still trying to be loyal because I dearly loved those brethren and still do, though the system I now have to condemn. Then about this time came the tragic death of Ted McGaveston and later on Bevan Malcolm. I made it my business to get the facts correctly and when the wretched claim for defamation came before the public courts, I was profoundly shocked that so called christians could steep so low to deny the grace of the dispensation — even if they had a case which they did not have, but rather were to be condemned. I had reporters at my door wanting my story, which I refused. Then other things began to happen. Bob Walker (Dunedin) came to live in Nelson and he gave me the little white booklet ‘If we walk in the light’ to read. Evidently this had been circulated after 1970, but brethren were told to destroy it and forbidden to read it. Well I did — now some 7 or 8 years later and was severely shocked by its contents. I put it from me for a week saying ‘That surely cannot be true’. Then I picked it up again and carefully read it twice and was convicted that if I was an honest man I must accept the witnessed facts of the unparalleled wickedness that took place at that time in Aberdeen 1970. This was a complete turn round and it took time for the full implication to register. The effect was devastating. Personally I had such regard for J.T.Jr. I had followed him, listened to him, respected and loved him — and now what? I remembered how we had gone to such lengths to prove him a ‘pure man’ and how 100% support was made the issue in many localities. I remembered Mother’s comments at that time and how we restrained her outspokenness. But her intuition was more right than wrong — only it touched but the ‘tip of the iceberg’. I tried my best to disprove the facts but could not. Then to excuse him through the effect of ‘strong drink’. This clearly entered into his breakdown. Firstly it destroyed his judgment, then his morals and finally his body. He died an alcoholic and was afraid to die. His son Ben told me this later and said the letter of J.T.3rd was false and did not rightly represent the true facts of his father’s death. Then all sorts of questions arose. If he was a pure man, why did we have to destroy the witnesses to his adultery? They were Jim Lovey, McDuff, S. McC, (Detroit) and James Alec Gardner where he was staying. J .L. was said to have taken his own life — S. McC a homosexual and J. A. Gardner had allowed an abortion to be done in his house. All these charges were completely unfounded and untrue. I spoke personally to all these brothers later and the wickedness was fully confirmed as sadly true, as well as much more. Now what was I to do? Here was I all alone, with my dear wife and four eldest children all in that system taught to believe a lie and moreover were not permitted either to see or talk with me. Never had I been more cast upon the Lord and never more conscious He was leading me to a true and sober judgment of the disaster that had befallen the testimony. The humiliation was overwhelming, calling for deepest self-judgment and contrition.
Perhaps I should record that I was in touch by this time with Patrick (Patrick was the youngest son who had left the fellowship and consequently the family home as a teenager - Ed) who had been through a good deal in South Africa, the detail of which need not be recorded here. He had written to me expressing his sorrow for his previous actions in leaving home and was returning to NZ, So I was not too surprised when he turned up and knocked at the door, not too sure if I would receive him or not. Remembering Luke 15 of course I received him and we embraced and he came in and I gave him a meal (it wasn’t much) after which he said ‘That is the best meal I have ever had Father’. We had a long talk and I told him what he had confessed to me he equally owed to his Mother, He said ‘I want to tell her.’ So next day we went to Blenheim but as you know Terence you would not permit him to speak with his Mother. Patrick was very angry but kept himself under control. But (and nothing happens by chance) a few days later he met his Mother in the lounge on the Ferry introduced himself to Mother’s embarrassment as other brethren were traveling with her. He said he just hung around and got several lovely smiles from his Mother but was not able to tell her what he wanted to. Patrick lives in Sydney and his wife’s name is Jeannette and they have two children, Sheridan aged 7 and Jordon aged 5. They are passionately fond of them both. He appears to be doing extremely well in business. We keep in touch and I have stayed with them on several occasions. They have a lovely home.
Now to return to my exercises at Motueka, several other notable things happened which not only confirmed my convictions but gave some definite direction for the future. John Welch (whom I had known from earlier visits to Britain) had phoned me some years before from Auckland and asked ‘Will you talk?’ Knowing what he meant, I said ‘No.’ Now some years later he wrote a letter saying he respected my exercises but was sure he could tell me things for my comfort. This broke down my resistance sufficiently to finally make way for him to visit me which he did. I had all my hard questions written out and we went into the whole matter thoroughly. He did not perhaps answer all my questions, but his spirit and brotherly demeanour answered an aching void in my soul. My sober judgment of the J.T.Jnr. system deepened as being quite inconsistent with the recovery of the truth of the gospel and the assembly and moreover many of their actions had no support from scripture, and a cleverly disguised form of popery was developing into a system of bondage and fear. Not least of my sorrow was the fact you were all caught up in it and there was no immediate way to enlighten you — nor would you listen if I did. The anguish of soul exercise during those difficult days is impossible to convey. The Lord was manifestly working to deliver me from a system I once helped to build, but now to condemn, and I realised unless He likewise worked with you all and Mother, I might never see you all again. I loved you all and especially Mother, but inwardly knew the growing strength of my convictions required undivided loyalty to Christ as Lord, whom I must follow if faithful to His testimony which I loved.
About this time I met Arch and Barbara Smith on the lonely single file track down the Abel Tasman National Park. Seldom did they or I go there but we both went that day — me going and they returning. Barbara wanted to run away but Arch stood his ground and we talked for a half hour or more and this broke the ice! But it was several months before we were freely in one another’s company and sharing our sorrows and judgment of what had taken place. By this time it had become clear there were brethren, some in large localities and some small, who were in fellowship universally as supporting the assembly judgment at Aberdeen in 1970. In no way could we fault what Aberdeen had done. They had acted on principle in repudiating the evil teaching and corruption in their midst, but the facts concerning J.T.Jnr’s personal behaviour were placed in N.Y. where they belonged and should be judged, which they were. The humbling fact that the larger number followed J.T.Jnr meant nothing. Principles must govern the actions of assembly minded persons. Persons are never the issue. Christ or the truth is always the issue. The assembly judgment at Aberdeen 1970 should have been respected universally without any defiling details ever being exposed. Now the question arose ‘Why do we not have the Lord’s Supper and seek fellowship with our brethren?’ Earlier we had thought this was the last thing we would do! As far as Australasia was concerned there was already a meeting at Sydney and also Auckland. In Britain, Scotland, Ireland, the Continent, India, U.S.A. and Canada the brethren had gone on consistently without a break. Why should there be? Those faithful to the Lord stood firm and judged the evil and went on as we all should have done. How humbling it all was! How deep was the sorrow and loss of our brethren.