On Empathy and Carl Rogers
“When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard. I have deeply appreciated the times that I have experienced this sensitive, empathic, concentrated listening.”
― Carl R. Rogers
“Being empathic means: "To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another's world without prejudice. In some sense it means that you lay aside your self and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself that he knows he will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and can comfortably return to his own world when he wishes. Perhaps this description makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, strong yet subtle and gentle way of being.”
― Carl R. Rogers
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Defining Empathy Skills in Practice - Carl Rogers and Unconditional Regard
by Tony McGregor 2012 (excerpts from his article)
“...deep understanding is, I believe, the most precious gift one can give to another.” - Carl Rogers
The Social and Psychological Contexts
It seems the importance of empathy in our lives is understood by some, but perhaps practised by rather fewer people. The purpose of this article is not to examine why that might be. The purpose of this article is rather to define empathy by examining something of the practical application of empathy, to see how we can use the skill, because it is a learnable skill, in daily life, as we go about our everyday business.
Figure: The three factors in the person-centered philosophical approach. Graphic by Tony McGregor
Psychologist Carl Rogers, in his various writings, points out that the value of empathy in relationships works in the context of two other factors, and should be understood in the context of the three factors together. The factors, which Rogers calls the “attitudinal elements making for growth”, are empathy, congruence (also called realness) and caring (also called unconditional positive regard). These three “attitudinal elements” fit together and in fact overlap to form what could be called a “person-centered philosophical approach.” The figure above illustrates this.
Empathy. Empathy, in the context in which this article is considering it, is the ability to enter, by a willed use of the imagination, another person's world without judgment….In this context it is important to realise that empathy does not connote agreement. Empathy means understanding another person's feeling without passing any judgement on the appropriateness or otherwise of the feeling.
Congruence. Congruence is, Rogers writes, “the term we have used to indicate an accurate matching of experiencing and awareness.” He continues that it can be extended to cover a “matching of experience, awareness and communication.” At its simplest congruence implies an accurate outward expression of the inner reality. Taking a simple example, a person who shouts while thumping a table, “I'm not angry”, would be experienced as incongruent.
Unconditional Positive Regard. The third attitudinal factor is the acceptance of the other person, completely and without judgment. It involves allowing the other person, without reserve or conditions, in Rogers's words: “...to have his own feelings and experiences, and to find his own meanings in them.” This full caring and acceptance is a pre-condition for openness between people, for complete honesty. When it is lacking the response is likely to be a closing off, the erection of barriers between people, and a consequent lack of honesty, or at least total honesty, between people. People will only communicate that which they feel safe to communicate, which might mean the self-censorship of their feelings and other responses.