Sample Skeleton Draft with Organization Problem:
Commentary: This draft has some pretty good analysis, but the organization is hampering its development. You could basically move all the body paragraphs around to a different order and it would not make a difference. This is a BIG problem. Your essay should make a linear argument, where each paragraph builds on the one before. There should be a reason they go in the order they do. There should be some recognizable arc to the argument. Also notice how examples from different paragraphs bleed into each other. The second body paragraph isn’t specifically about the presentation of the Turkish people. Africans and in fact all of the “heathen” are mentioned in the evidence in this paragraph. This sort of crossover is a red flag that the organization you’re using isn’t really working.
This particular pattern/set of examples would work much better if put in chronological order. We have the Pygmy example from the planning stages of the fair, and the closing day example from the very end. The bulk of the evidence, however, comes from late in the timeline of the fair as they try to boost attendance with the races and the Midway Ball. This chronological approach will produce an additional layer of analysis (a development over time—as in the racism was present from the beginning, but somewhat muted. The real exploitation comes out when they are trying to sell more tickets, and reaches what is perhaps the most demeaning point at the very end of the fair). Being able to trace this development adds another dimension of analysis for the writer that would be lost if he/she continues with the organization below.
Lesson: Try to experiment with different organization options until you find the one that works best for your pattern. All topics are different, so there is not one right organization, or even one that works most of the time.
Tentative Title: The Darkness Within: Exposing Racism in the White City
Intro idea: Something about the far-reaching effects of the fair, its influence on a large part of the American population, the great “dream” of the White City, etc.
Thesis: Although Erik Larson is certainly celebrating the Columbian Exposition and all that it did to shape America in positive ways, he also points out how the fair introduced and reinforced racist stereotypes that would develop into a much darker, more disturbing legacy.
[This thesis is going in the right direction—it has an acknowledgement of one of the main purposes, but then complicates that by adding in the more minor, but still valid second purpose. The wording is eloquent and efficient. The problem here is that the statement of the pattern is quite weak, and almost nonexistent. Saying that “he also points out” is not saying much in terms of language analysis. However, note that if you look at the examples and analysis below, you actually are seeing a real pattern (although it is sometimes difficult to see with this organization). The language pattern needs to be stated more explicitly in the thesis. You could also bring in the development over time aspect if you rearrange the paper.]
Body ¶ 1: Larson points out how the fair’s presentation of Native Americans was racist.
Evidence 1: At the Midway Ball, “It was hot. Chief Rain-in-the-Face, the Sioux chief who had killed Custer’s brother and now occupied Sitting Bull’s cabin in the Midway, wore green paint that streamed down his face” (Larson 313).
è Larson first points out the Chief’s credentials—this is how we the readers see him first—as an accomplished warrior, someone to be respected and feared—but here he is on display in the Midway for people to gawk at, and even worse, here he is at the Freak ball, dressed up in war paint, which he would not normally walk around in, but he’s on display here, wearing what the crowd expects/wants to see, a stereotypical savage in his feathers and war paint. Larson shows him in something close to a state of humiliation—with his war paint melting. He becomes the object of humor, not someone respected. “Streamed down his face” also sort of makes it sound like he is weeping—can I go somewhere with that?
Evidence 2: For the closing day ceremony, as Columbus landed and posed for the crowd, the plan was for “Indians recruited from Buffalo Bill’s show and from various fair exhibits would ‘peer cautiously’ at the landing party while shouting incoherently and running ‘to and fro’” (Larson 327).
è Although this never actually happened because of the Mayor’s assassination, the idea that it was planned out with these words pretty clearly shows the racism of the fair. Indians “shouting incoherently” suggests that they were to be portrayed as stupid brutes who can’t even speak logically. Running around randomly says the same thing, only it shows it physically. The Indians are meant to look stupid and ridiculous in comparison to the civilized, white Columbus.
Body ¶ 2: Larson points out how the fair’s presentation of the Turkish people was racist.
Evidence 1: Millet schedules swimming races between different “types” at the fair (311). Larson writes, “The Dahomans also competed, as did the Turks, ‘some of them as hairy as gorillas,’ the Tribune said, with the anthropological abandon common to the age” (311).
è Larson puts the word “types” into quotation marks because he is drawing attention to the racism here. The Turks, in particular, are seen as less than human, since they are compared to gorillas. Larson’s comment that the Tribune made the comment with “anthropological abandon” suggests he does not share the racist sentiment, and he is pointing it out on purpose to be critical of it. The fact that it is “common to the age” isn’t an excuse—it is a criticism of the time period. This quotation is an example partly of the racism of the fair’s leaders, but also shows how the people who came to the fair had their racist ideas reinforced.
Evidence 2: Larson points out Olmstead’s request that, “On nights when big events in Jackson Park drew visitors away from the Midway, ‘could not several of the many varieties of “heathen,” black, white and yellow, be cheaply hired to mingle, unobtrusively, but in full native costume, with the crowd on the Main Court?’” (277)
è Once again, the “exotic” people are being treated as entertainment—and cheap entertainment at that. For Olmstead, they are just another type of flower or something to look at to complete a landscape and add “mystery” (276)—not so much people to be respected. Lumping them all into the category of “heathen” is also derogatory and racist.
Body ¶ 3: Larson points out how the fair’s presentation of the people from Africa was racist.
Evidence 1: “Time was so short, the Executive Committee began planning exhibits and appointing world’s fair commissioners to secure them. In February the committee voted to dispatch a young army officer, Lieutenant Mason A. Schufeldt, to Zanzibar to begin a journey to locate a tribe of Pygmies only recently revealed to exist by explorer Henry Stanley, and to bring to the fair ‘a family of twelve or fourteen of the fierce little midgets’” ( Larson 121).
è Larson uses the word “exhibits,” which is reminiscent of zoo or museum exhibits. Using the word makes it sound like the Pygmies are not thought of as people. They are a novelty to be gawked at, and don’t really require respect or fear, since they are just “fierce little midgets” that the committee doesn’t anticipate the officer will have trouble rounding up, as they only give him “two and a half years” to travel to interior, not well-charted Africa, find them, acquire a family, and return with them.
Evidence 2: At the ball of the Midway Freaks, “Women who ordinarily would have come wearing almost nothing—like Aheze, an Amazon, and Zahtoobe, a Dahoman—were given short skirts constructed of small American flags” (Larson 313-14). Also, Larson writes, “Men in black dress suits circled the floor, ‘swinging black Amazons with bushy hair and teeth necklaces’” (314).
è This ball is supposed to raise money and interest in the fair. These women are being put on display because they are different and considered “freaks”—certainly a derogatory term. They are also “covered up” to make sure they are not TOO offensive, just different enough to be entertaining. The fact that they are covered up with American flags is also racist, as it suggests that they must conform to our sense of what is proper, and that their sense of propriety is wrong and savage.
Evidence 3: The ball of the midway freaks’ menu—specifically the “Roast Missionary, a la Dahomey, west coast of Africa” (Larson 314).
è This menu is all what one might consider stereotypical fare from the different places, but this dish in particular is really playing up stereotypes of the Dahomey people as cannibals and savages, who eat kind hearted Christians. That fairgoers would laugh at and enjoy ordering and eating “roast missionary” is a demonstration of how racist their sense of humor and entertainment was.
Conclusion: Holmes and his murders are not the only dark side of the fair? Larson gives us the whole truth here—the good about the fair AND the bad, accepting its legacy as mixed—as gray? not white? He is an historian, and does not sugar-coat the facts. He takes great pains to point out the racist viewpoints as well as the wonderful accomplishments…something like that.