Plugging Back into Life
Page 2
Table of Contents
Click on the study title or article you’d like to see:
Study 1: Plugging Back into Life
Article 1: The New Normal
Study 2: Overwhelming Sadness
Article 2: When a Friend Hurts
Study 3: Stuck in Grief and Anger
Article 3: When the Grief-Stricken Get Grief-Stuck
Study 4: The Purpose of Memorials
Article 4: I Cried So Hard I Laughed
Study 5: Arms that Ache
Article 5: Empty Arms
Study 6: Grief – Sharing the Heavy Load
Article 6: A Look at Grief
© 2006 • Christianity Today International
Visit www.ChristianBibleStudies.com
Leader’s Guide
Plugging Back into Life
Page 2
Leader’s Guide for Overcoming Grief - Study 1Plugging Back into Life
Resuming your life after a loss.
Death has a way of changing our lives forever. We wish we could go back to the way things were, but we can’t. To try and pretend things are the same would keep us stuck in our grief. To refuse to go on would mean our families lose not only one person, but lose us as well. Acceptance is necessary if we want to resume our lives.
For us to successfully plug back into life, we need to consider: How can I surrender to God, and what does that look like? How can I gain a vision for my future? How can God use my loss for good?
Lesson #1
Scripture:
Job 42:1–6; Proverbs 3:5–8; Jeremiah 29:11; John 10:10; Romans 12:15; 2 Corinthians 1:3–7; Philippians 4:6–8
Based on:
“The New Normal” by Michelle Van Loon, Today’s Christian Woman
PART 1
Identify the Current Issue
Note to leader: Prior to the class, provide for each person the article “The New Normal” from Today’s Christian Woman magazine (included at the end of this study).
Dealing with the death of a loved one involves so many changes. We must try to accept those changes and move on. Michelle Van Loon quotes counselor Pam Vredevelt in Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses, “We will have to release our grip on things past, and when we do, we must expect at first to experience intense and complex emotions. As endings, empty spaces, rifts, and little deaths come our way, so do feelings of grief.” Until we can successfully accept and try to accommodate those changes, we will be observers of our lives instead of active participants.
God has plans for our lives, including our loss, that we are unaware of. Read Jeremiah 29:11. Trusting in God and who he is, and refusing to focus on our circumstances alone, puts us in a position where we can be open to whatever God has in store for us.
Discussion starters:
[Q] Share one of the hardest adjustments you had to make in losing your loved one. What are some things you found helpful?
[Q] Have you ever met someone who has not been able to accept his or her loved one’s death? Describe how they lived. Did they enjoy anything?
[Q] “You need to get on with your life” is something a well-meaning friend might say to someone who is grieving. Share what value, if any, this statement has. Can you think of an alternative thing to say?
[Q] How can we help someone who seems unable to move on after a loved one’s death? What are some practical things we can suggest?
Optional Activity: Imagine you have died and gone to heaven, and you’re watching your family one year later. Describe in detail what you would hope to observe. Feel free to use humor.
PART 2
Discover the Eternal Principles
Teaching point one: We need to surrender to God.
Further in her article, Michelle Van Loon says:
Author Henri Nouwen writes, “Another step in turning our mourning into dancing has to do with not clutching what we have, not trying to reserve a safe place we can rest in, not trying to choreograph our own or others’ lives, but to surrender to the God whom we love and want to follow.”
God is sovereign and knows what he’s doing. Although we know the truth about who God is, we need to work through our grief and come to a place of surrender to him. Working through our emotions is a good first step. Then we can remind ourselves of what we already know about God and his character.
Read Job 42:1–6. After his great losses, Job reflected on what he knew about God all along, and he repented in dust and ashes. When we are in grief, our thinking can get clouded. Our emotions take over, and we focus on our loss instead of on who God is, making us unable to receive God’s comfort.
In her book The God of All Comfort, Hannah Whitall Smith says:
Divine comfort does not come to us in any mysterious or arbitrary way. It comes as the result of a divine method. The indwelling Comforter ‘“brings to our remembrance” comforting things concerning our Lord, and if we believe them, we are comforted by them. A text is brought to our remembrance, perhaps, or the verse of a hymn, or some thought concerning the love of Christ and his tender care for us. If we receive the suggestion in simple faith, we cannot help being comforted.
Read Proverbs 3:5–8. When we trust in our own understanding we forget that God is infinite, and bring God down to our level. Surrender is possible when we are fully aware of who God is, fully aware of who we are, and when we come to the place where we are able to rest in his sovereignty.
[Q] For years, Christians have sung the hymn “I Surrender All.” Do you think they realize what they are singing? Can you share a time in your life that you did surrender to the Lord? What were the circumstances? How long did it take you to get to that point?
[Q] What does it look like when we cling to what we have? Can you share a time when you clung? What did it take to release your grip?
[Q] Is there an area of your life which was especially difficult for you to surrender to the Lord? What helped you get to that point where you could surrender?
[Q] Do you think we can surrender to God if we are angry at him? What would you suggest to someone who resents God?
[Q] Give an example from Scripture of someone who was surrendered to the Lord. Do you think surrender is a one-time thing?
Leader’s Note: Some possible answers are Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Hannah, David, Mary the mother of Jesus, Peter, and Paul.
Teaching point two: Acknowledge that life is different than it was before your loss.
Surrendering to God gives us a peace we could not experience otherwise. It is a peace we experience even without our circumstances changing. We have confidence that God is in control, even in the midst of our unsettling situation. When life doesn’t make sense, we can still trust in the one who holds our lives in his mighty hands. Our eyes need to be opened to the fact that our lives are different. Acceptance will be easier once we decide to trust the Lord. Our acknowledgement of change is healthy. We must embrace those changes, not necessarily liking them, but realizing they do exist.
An unwillingness to accept the changes in our lives can lead to resentment and bitterness. Psychologists say unresolved grief is one of the major reasons people struggle emotionally, unwilling to let go of their loved ones. It can even affect a person’s physical well being.
At Elaine’s funeral, the room was filled with rows of empty chairs. The funeral director left the room in search of pallbearers, deciding to use his staff since there were so few family members present. Elaine’s bitterness had alienated everyone, even when she took her final breath.
When holidays come and our loved ones are gone, we have choices to make. We can refuse to celebrate because he or she is not there. But, in so doing, we minimize the importance of those who still remain. Another choice is to acknowledge his or her absence and yet still celebrate. Remember your loved one with a moment of silence, a lit candle, or even a time of sharing. In this way, their memory holds a place in your family, but doesn’t overshadow everyone else.
When the changes in our lives cause us anxiety and relentless waves of grief wash over us, we can stand firm and call on God. Read Philippians 4:6–8. Paul instructed us to let God know of our needs. God’s peace passes all understanding. Our circumstances remain the same, our loved one is still gone, yet we are surrounded by God’s peace and once again feel safe.
[Q] Have you ever experienced a wave of grief when thinking of your lost loved one? How did you get through it? Do you still experience those waves?
[Q] What would you suggest to someone who is unable to accept their loved one’s death?
[Q] Share a time when you experienced peace that passed all understanding. What were the circumstances?
[Q] How might meditating on Philippians 4:8 help you in your grief?
[Q] Do you know someone whose life is characterized by bitterness? Have you ever struggled with bitterness? How did you overcome it?
Teaching point three: Be a living memorial.
One of the best memorials you can be is a living one. You know your loved one would not want you to grieve the rest of your life. They would want you to enjoy life, to be part of it, not just an observer. Yet, somehow we get the skewed idea that we shouldn’t enjoy what they can’t enjoy—that somehow our living means we’ve forgotten them. But there’s a better way. Read John 10:10. Jesus came to not only give us life, but to give us abundant life. Why not live your life to the fullest as a living memorial to your loved one? When you die, do you want your children to spend the rest of their lives in grief over you? Or would you like to see them applying themselves fully to whatever God has in store for them?
Remember things your loved one told you. These are like precious nuggets that we enjoy holding onto, that give us immense pleasure. We invariably know what things pleased them and what things caused them disappointment. Armed with that information, we can have a sense of pride as we accomplish our goals even when those we love are not around to witness it. We know what they would have said, we can almost hear it. Instead of feeling sad they are not in our presence for special events, maybe they are occupying the best seat in the house. Their absence should not deter us from moving toward our goals; it should instead inspire us. Living our lives the best we can is a wonderful living memorial.
[Q] Can you think of a conversation you had with a loved one before he or she died? What was meaningful about the conversation?
[Q] What should you do if your loved one died and you had unfinished business with them? Are you destined to carry that the rest of your life?
Leader’s Note: Reassure anyone in this position that they can trust God with that, too.
[Q] Name some other ways people memorialize someone they have lost. What is the most unusual way you have heard of?
[Q] If you have children, have you ever talked to them about death? Do you think that conversation would be helpful?
[Q] Share a conversation you wish you could have had with a lost loved one. What can we learn from those lost opportunities?
Teaching point four: Comfort others in their pain.
A counselor suggested her grieving client write letters to her lost sister. She was to write four letters, waiting a week between each letter and the next. Stacy followed the counselor’s suggestion, though hesitantly at first. Week by week, she poured her heart out to her sister, crying as she wrote. Surprisingly, at the completion of the exercise, she felt a lot better; somehow she felt heard.
Read 2 Corinthians 1:3–7. God is the God of all comfort, and he comforts us so we can in turn comfort others in their pain. God created us so that we need others. What a wonderful tribute to your loved one when you reach out to others who are in pain.
Read Romans 12:15. Paul tells us to weep with those who weep. After we have gone through a loss, we are able to do this with understanding. When we lose a loved one, we are somehow able to empathize, put ourselves in another’s shoes. Being part of a grief group sensitizes us to others. We begin focusing on others instead of just being absorbed in our own world.
There is another reason we can comfort others in their pain. While we are in the midst of sorrow, we experience a closeness with the Savior we had never tasted before—perhaps because, as Isaiah tells us, the Lord was acquainted with grief, and now, so are we. In some of our darkest times, we feel him the closest. Instead of seeing our sufferings as negative, we can view them as opportunities to experience the Lord in a special way.
[Q] Share a verse that has been a comfort to you as you have experienced grief at the loss of a loved one. Who shared that verse with you?
[Q] Name some practical things we can do to comfort someone who is grieving. What have people done for you that you found helpful?
[Q] Name some things that people did that you did not find helpful. How did they make you feel?
[Q] Have you known people who chose to work through their pain alone? Is it still possible to minister to someone like that?
[Q] How did your mom comfort you when you were small? Describe what comforts you as an adult.
PART 3
Apply Your Findings
Plugging back into life after we have lost a loved one is extremely difficult. There are some days we wish we would have also been taken. Other days are filled with sighing and feelings of despair. Although we face many days when we feel discouraged, restoring our lives is possible. Surrender to God is a necessary step in the process. We must get to the place where we trust in God’s sovereignty, even though we don’t understand the loss. Acknowledging that our lives are forever changed is another important step we must take. Eventually, we can get to the place where we give ourselves permission to live, even though our loved one has died. We can even live our lives as a memorial to the ones we have lost. Finally, we can turn the sadness of our loss into a blessing by reaching out to others who have lost a loved one.