Week 6 Listening Exercise

COMM 470 – Dr. Finn

WebCT Diary Entries for Week 6 ends on March 7 at 3:30 pm

There are two types of exercises this week.

Exercise A – Avoid beginning a reply with “No,” “But,” or “Yes, but”

We sometimes disagree with the people in the course of a conversation. But often such disagreements turn a conversation into a battle or an argument. Remember our working definition of communication this semester: shared meaning. If you’re considering how to rebut your communication partner while he or she is still talking, you’re not actually considering their point of view before reacting – you’re not listening

When engaged in conversations this week, avoid negating what the speaker has just finished saying. In addition to “No,” “But,” or “Yes, but,” common negations include sarcasm, put-downs, razzing, cynicism, or other forms of dismissal.

There are a number of good reasons for this exercise:

  • All of the above replies immediately contradict the speaker
  • This devalues what your communication partner has just said
  • Rather than listening and considering the speaker’s position or statement, no, but, or yes but represent an immediate challenge to the speaker
  • I’m not saying to not ever challenge what people say to you, simply to practice listening and absorbing the speaker’s position first; don’t shoot from the hip – have a conversation
  • Consider that an immediate judgment about another’s statement or position is sometimes a principled reaction based on your values, but is often an automatic rejection of views that simply don’t fit your paradigm. As we learned in class, our paradigms help us interpret information that fit our view, but essentially blind us from information that contradicts our view.
  • Practice stepping outside your existing worldview and paradigms by not immediately dismissing information that does not fit your current view.

Now, if a person says something you feel you really must object to (lies, misinformation, malicious gossip, or general stupidity), feel free to speak up immediately. But hold your powder if it’s simply something with which you would normally disagree.

Here are several alternatives you can use when you’re tempted to immediately disagree with others:

  • I get what you’re saying. My view is that . . .
  • Ok. I see that perspective . . .
  • I can understand why you would feel that way . . .
  • Well then explain to me how that fits with your general belief in . . .
  • I’m of two minds about that issue . . .

Apply this advice in as many conversations as you can. This assignment can be done face-to-face (FTF) or on the telephone.

You should also continue applying the lessons from the earlier Listening Exercises whenever possible or appropriate.

Exercise B – Practice Acknowledgement

I’d like you to continue the practice of acknowledging others, keeping in mind the additional information below (this is the last week I’ll write about it in these Listening Exercises).

Consider that while thanking people for something they have done (showing appreciation) is always appropriate, acknowledgment is something more - honoring people for who they are and what they stand for (their goals, commitments, and principles). This amounts to a general recognition of the core of their being and their life – something more than simply thanking a person for some generous act.

Let’s review how this part of the assignment is related to the topic of listening:

  • All human achievements are created in language
  • One of the primary lessons of communication (including public speaking, interpersonal communication, or mass communication) is that an effective communicator learns to “speak into the listening of others.” An obvious example is that you would teach American History much differently to a class of third graders than to a group of high school juniors, and differently still to a group of college students.
  • Similarly, what you can accomplish in the world is a function of the ‘listening’ that others provide for you. For example, if you’re someone who is always late (for appointments, class, movies, etc.), your friends doubt your commitment when you tell them you will meet them at the Student Union at 2:00 pm. They don’t believe the words coming out of your mouth. Another way to say it is that they don’t have a very powerful listening for you (at least in that instance). The good news is that this is under your control. Over time, you can change that perception simply by being early or on time on a regular basis.
  • Now let’s return to acknowledgement and listening. Mostly in life, each of us is focused on ourselves. As the expression goes, if you don’t take care of number one, who will? This is especially true in societies that promote individuality as a value, as we do in the USA. So we often neglect reaching out to the people around us. Yet the paradox of ‘taking care of number one’ is that if that’s you’re primary activity, you live an isolated life with little impact on others or the world around you.
  • Engaging with other people is the surest way to increase both your degree of relatedness to others and your influence in the world.
  • What is the best way to engage other people? There will be times when you wish to persuade, guide, instruct, rebuke, or enlist people. You can be successful only if:
  • you are speaking into their listening (what they are capable of hearing from you), and
  • they are generous enough to provide a ‘listening’ for what you wish to communicate.
  • People provide a generous listening for you if they feel related to you. You get related to people by sharing common beliefs and attitudes, sharing common experiences, getting a sense of each other, and feeling that the other person understands who you are and what you value.
  1. Sharing common beliefs and attitudes comes from being raised in the same culture, heritage, region, neighborhood, or family. This is largely an accident of birth, though we can reach out across these divisions to better understand people.
  2. Sharing common experiences and getting a sense of each other comes from knowing people over time. This is partly an accident of birth, though we can have a great impact on this by actively pursuing mutually beneficial relationships with others.
  3. Having others feel that you have a sense of who they are and what they value requires communication. Acknowledging others for their values, commitments, and simply for who they are is one of the best ways to indicate you understand what’s important to them.
  • When people sense that you value them, their listening for you will increase.

A final note:

Please don’t view acknowledgement – or any of the listening suggestions you learn this semester – as simply a device or a technique to get people to do something you want. My point is that if you are authentic in your acknowledgement, some very powerful things happen as a result of speaking up and saying things we normally leave unsaid. That’s the power of communication.

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