I Want to Laugh and Play. I Want to Play with the Children

Memories: Axel

I Am Special

I lie on my stomach. Pine needles stick into my clothes but I don’t care. I lie still. I watch. I hear the children laugh. They kick their legs on the swing and laugh. They slide down the chute and laugh. They run and laugh. I watch them.

I want to laugh and play. I want to play with the children.

I am not allowed to go to the playground. I am not allowed to play.

I am different.

Mummy says I am special.

I wish I wasn’t special. I wish I could play with the children.

Daddy catches me watching. He is cross with me. He is worried about Mummy. He says: If you’re going to break the rules, make sure you don’t get caught.

He makes me come home to my house in the middle of the tall pine trees. He tells Mummy about me at the playground. Mummy is cross. She hits me across the legs. I cry.

Mummy is different too. Special, just like me.

I am not allowed to watch the playground any more.

Daddy goes out to the shops. He goes every week but he does not take me. I am not allowed to go to the shops. I am not allowed to go to the playground. I am not allowed to go to school. I am allowed to stay in the pine trees. I must not be seen. Mummy says its because I am different. Because I am special.

Mummy says all we need is here. All we need is love. She smiles at Daddy. He hugs her. Then they don’t see me anymore. I wish I had someone to play with.

I go out into the pine trees. I made my own race track—a circuit woven between the tree trunks. I fly through it, as fast as I can. I want to go faster, faster. I come to the edge of the pine trees, to the boundary I must not cross.

Then I see them.

I can tell that they are special too, even though I cannot see the wings. They are wearing special bags on their backs that cover their wings. Mummy used to have one too, just like it. She sometimes used to leave the trees with Daddy. Her bag got damaged and now she cannot leave the trees either.

Nobody else has wings—only me and Mummy, and now these people. I can’t see the wings. But I know. There are many of them, going in and out of the building that says Traveller’s Hostel. It is just across the edge of the pine trees, but I can see it without leaving the edge. I am not breaking the rules.

Today Mummy is sad. She stares at the wall. She will not talk. I hold her hand but she does not notice.

I go back to the edge of the pine trees. I watch the people with the bags on their backs that cover their wings. Maybe if I ask them for a bag, then I can leave the pine trees. Maybe then I can go to the playground.

Maybe if Mummy has a bag, she will not be sad anymore.

I am watching the Travellers Hostel, lying on my stomach. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I think it is Daddy, but I look up and see a man.

He says: What are you doing here, kid? Then he looks at my wings and says: Who are you? Where are your parents?

I am frightened because I have broken the rules. I am not allowed to be seen. Then I see the bag and I know this man is like me. He is different. He is special. I point to his bag and tell him that we are the same. He says: Where are your parents?

I point into the trees. Then I have an idea. If Mummy sees this man, she will be happy because she will have a friend. She won’t be sad any more. I take the man by the hand and he is surprised. I pull him into the pine trees.

Mummy does not smile when she opens the door. She must not realise he is like us. I tell her it is alright. Daddy comes up behind her. He is afraid. I point to the bag and tell them that the man is like us. He is special too.

The man looks at me. He points to Mummy: Is this your mother? He points to Daddy: Is this your Daddy?

Then the man does not look at me. He talks to Mummy. He is angry. I don’t understand what he is saying but he says words like: illegal, dishonour, traitor, half-breed, exile. I don’t know what these words mean. Mummy starts to cry.

The man hurts Daddy, then takes him away. Mummy is still crying. I yell at the man. I try to stop him taking Daddy away. He pushes me, pushes me against the wall and I hit my head. It hurts. I cry too.

I remember what Daddy said: If you are going to break the rules, make sure you don’t get caught.

I got caught.

It’s all my fault.

Now Mummy never smiles. She stares at the wall. She cries. She says Daddy will not come back. She says she can never go home. I am bad. I broke the rules and brought them man. I hate the man who took Daddy away. I hate them all.