Guide for Combating Shame
Definition and Examples of Shame
Shame is an undeserved, negative thought or feeling about what we do or who we are. Just as grace is unmerited mercy, shame is undeserved condemnation.
It is the…
· Man who believes he is a total failure for a single discretion
· Child who feels dumb and ugly because he struggles in math and is not athletic
· Dad who is racked with guilt because he cannot provide the “nicer things of life” for his family
· Mom who swims in shame because she cannot meet everyone’s needs
For this discussion, I am going to utilize the word, “shame” in only a negative light, representing “false guilt” and “self deprecation”.
Sources of Shame
Three chief sources of shame are 1) a secular culture, 2) a graceless religion, and 3) un accepting parents. In all three sources, people can be crippled by shame, never believing and feeling they measure up or can receive God’s grace.
Secular Culture
The mores and people residing in the society in which we find ourselves often define and promote what an “acceptable person” looks like. Shame sinks in and weighs us down when we compare ourselves to this cultural definition and feel we don’t measure up and unaccepted.
Question – what does the secular picture of an “acceptable person” look like today?
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:14
Graceless Religion
Jesus no doubt commands us to reach certain standards, including His words, “be ye perfect as His father in heaven is perfect”. First, the Greek word for perfect does not mean sinless but complete, pursuing full maturity. Secondly, religion becomes graceless when its participants twist God’s standards into human expectations and personal preferences steeped in legalism. Graceless religion requires you to pray, worship, educate, witness, hold beliefs and even socialize in an exact manner that is not clear in Scriptures but held up as moral absolutes. Graceless religious leaders 1) heap shame on those who don’t abide by their man made rules or 2) are unwilling to extend grace to those who do break God’s clear commands.
Questions
· What are examples of beliefs and behaviors that become victims of shaming people and rules?
· Have you felt their shame before? Expound.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. Matthew 23:23
8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
Unaccepting Parents
Intentionally or unintentionally, parents can send some strong “shame filled” messages to their children. Dad favors the athlete over the artist. Mom favors the child whose personality is more like hers. Dad drops comments about his daughter’s weight. Mom’s expectations are unrealistic and she rejects her children when they don’t measure up. Children are left thinking self destructive thoughts leading to feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, inferiority and more.
Questions
· Did your parents accept you for who you are?
· Did you feel like your parents made unfair comparisons of you to others, such as your siblings?
· Did you or do you feel like you can never reach their expectations of you?
· What are specific untruthful messages you were told that you still have trouble “not” believing?
So Isaac went to Jacob and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said, “Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the Lord has blessed. Genesis 27:27
Conviction vs Shame
God is grieved when we are racked with false guilt and self deprecating thoughts and feelings about ourselves. It’s important to discern between false and true guilt, shame and conviction.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2
Shame is from the devil, believing lies
Conviction is from the Holy Spirit, believing truth
Shame is general in nature - I am an ungodly man or woman
Conviction is specific – I made an ungodly choice when I was impatient with my child
Shame focuses on “who we are”, thus, I am a failure in everything
Conviction focuses on “what we do”, thus I failed in supporting my child’s pursuit as an artist
Shame lives in a fantasy world, thus, I should be perfect in all my roles at work.
Conviction lives in the real world, thus, I need to be a better time manager. It’s affecting my family.
Shame believes there is a permanent loss of self and relationship with God and others
Conviction believes there is only a temporary loss of fellowship with God and others
Shame violates a man made cultural more or standard
Conviction violates a God guided conscience and command
Shame is addicted to approval, thus, I can’t live without my father’s approval
Conviction says, “I desire approval” but not at the expense of higher priorities
Shame reads everyone else’s minds
Conviction hears only God’s mind
Solutions to Shame
Overcoming shame does not include…
· Lowering our ideas and standards to a level lower than God’s standards
· Persuading ourselves that we are just fine the way we are with no room for personal growth
· A life void of accepting responsibility and experiencing Godly sorrow over our sins
The solution to shame involves thinking and feeling exactly what God thinks and feels about our personhood and behaviors.
· It’s being accepted by the one whose acceptance matters most
· It’s receiving the gift God offers of accepting us before we were acceptable, thus, unconditional love
· It’s forgiving ourselves because God has already responded with forgiveness to our repentant hearts
· It’s renewing your mind with God’s truths and “picture of success” and not the picture of culture, legalism, and parents and additional significant others who send unbiblical messages about us
· It’s allowing others to help us when we are alone with our thoughts to discern lies of the devil and embrace God thoughts instead