SPIRITUAL GROWTH EXTREME:BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

LESSON 5 – BUILDING TRUST

Icebreaker: Name, what one quality is the most important for a close friend to have?

Of course we are all motivated to allow the goodness of God to pour into our lives and pour it into others. But there remains a part of the process we really need to understand. We need to know how to connect with othersso that we can have healthy relationships. How do we connect with others if we haven’t been taught how to do that? How do we connect with them when they aren’t interested in a relationship with God? How do we connect with them when we are struggling? When they are struggling? How do we connect with them when they desperately need someone to connect with?

Discussion: Why do so many people in this hurting world hesitate to connect with others? What are they afraid of?

BUILDING TRUST

One of the most critical factors in creating healthy relationships is building trust. We need to make sure others feel safe talking with us because intimate communication is the key to healthy relationships. If a person does not feel comfortable sharing with us the problems in their life, we can never do deeper than talking about the weather, sports, and other “surface” topics. The safety they feel has tobe based on the fact that they believe wecare about them and will keep whatever they tell us in the strictest of confidence.

Exercise: Write down how you felt the last time someone betrayed a confidence. If you have never experienced this, then write down how you think you would feel if you told someone something very important, and potentially embarrassing, and they shared it with others when you asked them not to.

  1. Why should a Christian keep confidences? James 3:6
  2. Breaking a confidence can hurt someone’s feelings.
  3. Breaking a confidence can hurt someone’s reputation.
  4. Breaking a confidence can hurt someone’s relationship.
  1. Breaking a confidence violates scriptural principles.
  2. Cf. OT - Proverbs 11:13, “a gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” Proverbs 16: 28, “a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.”
  3. Cf. NT – Romans 1:29 lists gossiping along with other kinds of wickedness, including murder, depravity, deceit, sexual sins, etc.

Illustration: Three men were having lunch together and one decided that in order to deepen their relationship each would tell their deepest, darkest secret to the others. All three men agreed, so the man who made the suggestion went first. He said, “Guys, I just want you to know I really have a problem. My problem is cursing. When I’m not around church people, I curse all the time.” The second man said, “I have a problem too. I look at pornography all the time. That’s all I do after I get home from work and the kids and wife have gone to bed.” The third man hesitated for a moment, then said, “I have a big problem too. I am a terrible gossip, and I can’t wait to get out of here”.

  1. Keeping confidences can de-escalate difficult situations, and help restore relationships.

Proverbs 26: 20 says “without gossip a quarrel dies down.”

  1. Keeping confidences shows you care about them.

E. Keeping confidences creates trust

1. Letting someone know right up front you will not judged them helps them open up.

2. Letting someone know right up front you will not share information helps them feel safe.

3. Above all else, be sincere and genuine.

Spiritual GrowthExtreme, Lesson 5 – Building Trust, p. 2

E.Three exceptions to the rule of confidentiality (if applicable, must be shared with a person up front)

  1. Incidences of child/elderly abuse. If a person shares with you an event where there is a reasonable suspicion of child or elderly abuse, then inform the person that you will need to discuss this with one of the ministry leaders.
  2. Suicidal thinking. If you have a reasonable suspicion that someone is considering harming or killing themselves, then let the person know that you’ll take whatever action necessary to keep that individual safe.
  3. Homicidal thinking. If you have a reasonable suspicion that someone is considering harming or killing someone else, then let the person know that you will take whatever action necessary to keep that from happening.

CARING ENOUGH TO LISTEN

Read these 3 paragraphs, then do the exercise below.

Much has been said and written about the need to listen. We live in a world of many words, but unfortunately few people seem to be actually listening to each other. Husbands struggle to communicate with their wives, and children often feel unheard by their parents. Frequently, people find themselves struggling in life situations where they have such deep feelings they can find no one who will listen to them, or no one who really understands. This should never happen in the Church of Jesus Christ.

Listening is a crucial task for anyone who truly wants to show the love and compassion of Christ. It is very easy to give someone a quick blessing, promise to pray for them, and send them on their way. It is much more difficult to listen carefully to what the person has to say, and attempt to truly understand what they feel. You have probably heard, or even been taught, the principles of active listening, but this training takes these basic principles, adds to them the heartfelt compassion of One who has shared similar experiences, and teaches us to rely on the power and presence of the Holy Spirit. This combines to lead us to understand and practice the art of “deep listening”.

Exercise: write down a time in your life you really desperately needed someone to listen to you. Did you have someone in your life that “deeply” listened to you? If so, what did they do? If not, what do you wish they had done?

Class brainstorm: What does effective listening look like?

“Deep Listening” – Being vulnerable, real and non-judgmental. Makes people more likely to share.

  1. Based on active listening James 1:19, 26; 3:3-12

1.Active listening involves some very important elements. It involves hearing what is being said.

2.Active listening also involves demonstrating open body language, giving appropriate verbal and non-verbal feedback. Don’t be afraid of “Godly gaps”.

3.Finally, active listening includes empathizing with the individual.

  1. Going beyond active listening. Psalm 143:1

1.Deep listening includes the Christian components of unconditional love, conditional praise, compassion, empathy, and yes, even sympathy.

2.Deep listening is also full of “flash prayers”, with an absolute reliance on God and His Spirit to create the necessary environment and thereby provide hope and healing for the individual in a crisis.

3.Scripturesthat change perspective James 1:2, Romans 8:28

4.Most importantly, God’s perspective is that difficult times are a good thing

a.It leads us to Jesus, who bears our burdens Matthew 11:28

b.It leads us to help each other Galatians 6:2

Spiritual Growth Extreme, Lesson 5 – Building Trust, p. 3

  1. Helping people calm down

1.People in pain, because of their high emotional level, tend to ramble, lack organization in their presentation, and repeat themselves.

2.The enemy of high emotions is rational thought. *Content (yes or no, or a definitive answer) questions deescalate.

3.At times we may interject some organization, or stop them if we are unclear, but one of the goals of deep listening is to get a comprehensive picture of what they’re trying to tell us, facts as well as feelings, letting them do it their way.

  1. Listen carefully to see if the person is being manipulative.

1.Is it a situation where they have a problem with another individual, and they are trying to get you on their side?

2.The keys to this are if they try to get you to say something negative about the other person, judge their behavior, or to take action against the other person.

  1. Like Jesus promised, and did. Matthew 11:28

1.Being open to another’s pain, and raw emotion Mark 9:22-24 (Sympathy is OK!)

2.Seeing them through the process once the flood-gates have opened.

  1. Sharing one another’s burden like commanded in Galatians 6:2

1.We help them with their burden, then give it to Jesus

2.We will feel drained, but good.

3.We will have done one of the most important things a person in this world could ever do for another.

Exercise: Tell someone about your day. Listen carefully. Give feedback. Pray for them.

Summation: What have you learned?

  1. ______
  1. ______
  1. ______
  1. ______

Prayer and dismissal