Am I Ready To Find My Soul Mate?
PartI
Discovering Your Infinite Self
“What is man?”– the central question of anthropology – has preoccupied thinkers since philosophical reflection began thousands of years ago. From the pre-Socratics and the Hellenistic philosophers through … theologians and down to Kant, Hegel and the existentialists, explicit answers were sought to the questions of man’s place in the world and the nature of his being. And these questions continue to command the attention of Western thought to the present day. (Introduction, “The Emergence of Ethical Man,” Rabbi Joseph B. Soleveitchik,” 2005.)
TheNew York Times declared this year that this question is no less pressing. The October 6, 2015 New York Times Magazine ran a provocative, confrontational assessment of the confusion we have in establishing and maintaining a personal identity: The Year We Obsessed Over Identity: 2015's headlines and cultural events have confronted us with the malleability of racial, gender, sexual and reputational lines. Who do we think we are?
In response to both this confusion and changes in forging an identity, we have prepared a fresh approach todiscovering the Self. We will see how this search for Self so powerfully impactsone of the most, if not the most, important choice we make in life – whom we marry. By discovering the essence of the Self – thateach person has a soul– we become aware, or maybe more conscious, of an entire spiritual dimension which we previously might not have considered central to our identity. We will then explore the implications of this discovery for marriage. If I don’t understand who I am, then how can I find my significant other? Conversely, by having a true awareness of the Self, I am better able to develop my potential, which includes having a happy and fulfilling marriage.
Furthermore, we will explore fundamental ideas about marriage:that true love makes us feel expanded, that we seek unity in a relationship, and what this means. We will ask: What is a soul mate? Must my soul mate be Jewish, and if so, why? What is a healthy relationship? And what is the goal of marriage?
The first class in this four-part series is about the definition of“Self.” Are you defined by your body, or your mind? Or is there another part of you that goes beyond the physical? Who is the real you?We will explore the different ways in which we are used to defining ourselves, and in the process of this exploration encounter the idea that the real Self has a spiritual definition.
Next we go on a journey, following in the footsteps of Avraham – the first person to independently discover the power of his own Self by developing a spiritual identity. Seeing how he did this can help us start on the path as well.
Finally, we take instruction from Avraham for our own quest for the Self. Appreciating his discovery of the soul and its potential will enable us to unleash our own latent power.
In the course of this class we aim to answer the following questions:
- What is significant about my decision of whom to marry?
- What limits do we place upon ourselves?
- How do these limits affect how we define who we really are?
- How can I tell that I have a soul? And even if I do, what does it matter?
- What did Avraham, the first Jew, discover that no one else had realized before him?
- How did Avraham come to his discovery?
- What does his story have to do with us today?
Outline:
Prologue. The Nuclear Missile Attack Early Warning System
Section I. Thinking About the Self
Part A. The Limits We Place on Ourselves
Part B. The Real You
Part C. Connecting to “Something” Greater
Part D. Having Skin in the Game
Section II. Following in the Footsteps of the First Jew
Part A: The First Step to Self-Discovery: Challenging Assumptions
Part B. Avraham’s Burning Question
Part C. Go for Your “Self”
Section III. Igniting the Spark
Part A. Discovering You Are “Superman”
Part B. The Spark of Avraham within Us All
Prologue. The Nuclear Missile Attack Early Warning System
The shift change began at 7 P.M. on September 26, 1983. Stanislav Petrov, a lieutenant colonel, arrived at Serpukhov-15, south of Moscow, a top-secret missile attack early-warning station, which received signals from satellites. The brain of the center was the M-10, the best supercomputer that existed in the Soviet Union, which analyzed the data and searched for signs of a missile attack.
For the eleven years Petrov worked at the early-warning center, they had been rushed. The United States and the Soviet Union threatened each other with missiles on hair-trigger alert. The two superpowers had between them about 18,400 nuclear warheads poised to be launched from missiles in silos, on submarines hidden under the seas and from bombers. In the event of a nuclear attack, a decision whether to retaliate would have to be made in minutes, and enormous efforts were made by each superpower to gain precious time for warning. The satellites, the antennas, the computers, the telescopes, the map and the operations center — they were the night watch for nuclear war.
The furor in recent months had been hard to ignore. President Ronald Reagan had called the Soviet Union an "evil empire" in March, and only a few weeks before Petrov's night at the operations center, Soviet Air Defense Forces had shot down a Korean airliner in the Far East, killing 269 people including U.S. CongressmanLarry McDonald.
Petrov saw himself as a professional, a technician, and took pride in overcoming long odds. He understood the enormity of the task, that in early warning there could be no room for false alarms. His team had been driven hard to eliminate the chance for error. While they had tried strenuously to make the early-warning system work properly, the apparatus was still troubled.
At 12:15 A.M., Petrov was startled. Across the top of the room was a thin, silent panel. Most of the time no one even noticed it. But suddenly it lit up, in red letters: LAUNCH.A siren wailed. On the big map with the North Pole, a light at one of the American missile bases was illuminated. Everyone was riveted to the map. The electronic panels showed a missile launch. The board said "High Reliability." This had never happened before.
As they scrambled, Petrov scrutinized the monitors in front of him. They included data from the optical telescope. If there was a missile, sooner or later they would see it through the telescope. Where was it headed? What trajectory? There was no sign of it. The specialists who sat in the darkened room, also watching the telescope, spotted nothing. Petrov scrutinized the data on his monitor, too. Could it be a technical error?
If not, Petrov ran through the possibilities. If just one missile, could it be an accidental or unauthorized launch? He concluded it was not likely. He knew of all the locks and precautions — and just one person could not launch a missile. Even the idea of two officers conspiring to launch a missile seemed impossible. And if one missile was launched, he thought, what did that mean? This was not the way to start a nuclear war. For many years, he had been trained that a nuclear war would start only with a massive strike. He said it again, to himself: this is not the way to start a nuclear war.
The panel flashed: another missile launched! Then a third, a fourth and a fifth. Now, the system had gone into overdrive. The additional signals had triggered a new warning. The red letters on the panel began to flash MISSILE ATTACK, and an electronic blip was sent automatically to the higher levels of the military. Petrov was frightened. His legs felt paralyzed. He had to think fast.
Petrov knew the key decision-makers in a missile attack would be the General Staff. In theory, if the alarm were validated, the retaliation would be directed from there. Soviet missiles would be readied, targets fed in and silo hatches opened. The Soviet political leadership would be alerted. There would be only minutes in which to make a decision. The siren wailed. The red sign flashed.
Petrov made a decision. He knew the system had had glitches in the past; there was no visual sighting of a missile through the telescope; the satellites were in the correct position. There was nothing from the radar stations to verify an incoming missile, although it was probably too early for the radars to see anything.
He told the duty officer: this is a false alarm. The message went up the chain. Stanislav Petrov later reflected, ''I knew perfectly well that nobody would be able to correct my mistake if I had made one."
Stanislav Petrov is credited with saving the world from a nuclear war on September 26, 1983.
(From David Hoffman, The Dead Hand, Anchor Books. 2010, pp 6-11, bbc.com/news/world-europe, and wikipedia.org/wiki/1983_Soviet_nuclear_false_alarm_incident)
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The Talmud [Sanhedrin 37a] teaches that the life of each Jewish person is compared to an entire world:Why was Adam created alone? To teach that whoever destroys a single Jewish life is as if he has destroyed anentire world. And whoever saves a single Jewish life is counted as if he has saved an entire world. Why such high stakes? Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, Jewish thinker and physicist, understands the Talmud here on a straightforward, practical level.
Now let us assume that a boy and girl marry. Assume that they have a family of two children. And assume that each of their descendants also has a similar family, averaging two children.We again see that the number of descendants doubles in each generation. (In mathematics, this is known as a geometric progression.) The couple has two children, four grandchildren, eight great-grandchildren, sixteen great-great-grandchildren. With each generation, the number doubles.
Again, after ten generations, this couple has 1024 descendants. After twenty generations, there will be 1,048,576 descendants. And after only 24 generations – a mere 600 years – there will be 16,777,216 descendants. This is very close to the current world Jewish population.
A single marriage one thousand years ago could have changed every single person alive today. A marriage is therefore an event of tremendous consequence. Thus, when a couple decides to marry, it is much more than a personal decision. It is a decision that will ultimately affect the entire Jewish people. (Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, Made in Heaven, Moznaim Publishers, pp. 4-6.)
The Talmud is teaching us that the decision of whomto marry is perhaps the most consequential choice a person will ever make. As such, just as the superpowers require reliable security systems for self-preservation, so too, each Jewish individual must vigilantly establish aPersonal Identity Early Warning Systemto keep himself on track in identifying, pursuing, and actualizing his life goals.In a sense, we are all like Stanislav Petrov. We need to carefully interpret and navigate the myriad pieces of data, information, and experiences that come hurtling towards us, and in our case, to determine how to evaluatewho is that“most significant other”to share in buildingour future world.
Section I. Thinking About the Self
In order to understand the significance of whom we marry, we need to appreciate the significance of ourselves. How do we define who or what we are? What do we identify as being the most essential element of our own being? When we start asking such questions, we might just discover that we are not who we thought we were.
Part A. The Limits We Place on Ourselves
Before we start looking for answers, we must be aware of the fact that our initial responses to such questions might themselves be flawed. The reason for this is that we all too often place upon ourselves artificial limits that hold us back from discovering who we really are or could be.
In recent experiments, scientists have found that even elite athletes can be tricked into improvement by essentially lying to them. In one experiment, cyclists were told to pedal a stationary bike at top speed for the equivalent of 4,000 meters. Later they repeated the task while watching an avatar of themselves pedaling in the earlier time trial. What the cyclists didn’t know was that the researchers had turned up the speed on the avatar. And yet the cyclists were able to keep up with their avatars, surpassing what they thought had been their top speed. “It is the brain, not the heart or lungs, that is the critical organ,” said the esteemed neurologist Roger Bannister, best known as the first human to run the mile in less than four minutes.
All of us face barriers – physical, financial, temporal – every day. Some are unquestionably real. But others are plainly artificial – expectations about how well a given system can function, or how much change is too much, or what kinds of behaviors are acceptable.
The next time you encounter such a barrier, imposed by people who lack your imagination and drive and creativity, think hard about ignoring it. Solving a problem is hard enough; it gets that much harder if you’ve decided beforehand it can’t be done.
If you doubt the adverse power of artificial limits, here’s a simple test. Let’s say you haven’t been exercising and want to get back in the groove. You decide to do some push-ups. How many? Well, it’s been a while, you tell yourself, let me start with 10. Down you go. When do you start getting mentally and physically tired? Probably around push-up number 7 or 8. Imagine now that you had decided on 20 push-ups instead of 10. When do you start getting tired this time? Go ahead, hit the floor and try it. You probably blasted right past 10 before you even remembered how out of shape you are. (FromStephen Dubner and Steven Levitt, Think Like a Freak, pg. 33)
Our first step to empowering ourselves is to open our minds to consider what lies beyond these artificial limits.
Exercise #1 – Testing the limits we place on ourselves.
Below are five examples of limits we put on ourselves.Next to each “limit” is an example of how I might perceive myself were that limit removed. Read each one, and next to it write or discuss with a neighbor how your perception of self would change were you able to remove this limit. For example, what would you do differently?Here is an example:
Limited: “I am not so interesting.”
Unlimited: If I discovered my inner world and found it more enthralling than any movie I’ve ever seen, I would spend a lot more time getting to my know myself, feel more confident to be myself and share that person with others, and I’d be excited to do what only I can do in the world with the confidence that it would be appreciated.
- Limited: “I am not so interesting.”
- Limited: “Life is dull. Therefore, I need to entertain myself and look forward to big life events.” Unlimited: If I discovered that my every action had enormous significance, each moment building momentously on the next, I would ______
- Limited: “I am concerned about what others will say about me.”
- Limited: “I am not sure I’ll ever end up with a Jewish partner, or anyone who truly loves me.”
Part B. The Real You
Now that we are aware that we place artificial limits upon ourselves, let us try to break through those limits in thinking about who or what we really are. Are we our bodies? Our emotions? Our brains? How do we define the “Self”?Who we are in essence?
Exercise #2 – Are you your body?
- Look at your hand. What do you see?
You can open and close your hand. It obeys every command that your mind sends to it. It is yours, a part of you.
- But what are you? Who is the real you?
- What happens when you tell your hand to open and close? How does your mind will it to obey its commands?
- But is your body the real you?
- Is the heart that beats within your breast the real you?
- Or is the real yousomething else entirely? …
The late Christopher Reeve of Superman fame stated that he was in a severe depression for a lengthy period following the accident that left him a quadriplegic who could not even breathe without a machine. Then his attitude changed. His perspective and outlook became optimistic and happy. He embarked on a mission to help others who suffered from paralysis and neurological challenges. How did things change? Christopher Reeve explained that he realized that, "The real me is not my body. The real me is something far, far greater. Happiness isn't limited to my body. Happiness is the pleasure I derive from my wife's and children's smiles. Happiness comes from the real me bringing happiness and faith to others." (From Rabbi Yitzchak Fingerer, Search Judaism, pg. 32)