THE BITS…
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced that they’ll be getting married on May 24th in Paris. They’re planning a small, intimate ceremony that will be shared with just family, a few close friends and several million TV viewers.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced that they’ll be getting married on May 24th in Paris. The wedding will be followed by a reception and a divorce.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced that they’ll be getting married on May 24th in Paris. The couple is requesting that, in lieu of gifts, cash donations be made to their favorite cause, which is themselves.
Police think Lamar Odom's drug dealers may have stolen $250,000 in jewelry from his and Khloe Kardashian’s home. They say it was someone devious, unscrupulous and greedy. That narrows it down to either a drug dealer or a Kardashian.
There’s a new magazine devoted entirely to Pope Francis. They say it’s called Pope-ular Mechanics.
There’s a new magazine devoted entirely to Pope Francis. In fact, next month they’re publishing the Vatican swimsuit issue.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, the Nobel committee overlooked North Korean leader Kim Jong Un
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Putin celebrated by threatening to annihilate another small country.
On this date in 1836 the Alamo fell to Mexican forces. The Mexicans then drove home with all of their rental cars.
SON OF THE BITS…
Barbara Bush now says that her son Jeb is the most qualified person to run for president in 2016. The bad news is Barbara says that Jeb Bush is every bit as qualified as George W. Bush.
The creators of the college entrance SAT exams have announced plans to toughen the test. They say that students will now actually have to know how to spell S-A-T.
The creators of the college entrance SAT exams have announced plans to toughen the test. The good news is that if you fail the SAT exam you’ll be the only person working at McDonald’s not struggling to pay off their student loan.
According to a new survey 87 percent of Americans now use the Internet. The other 13 percent actually have sex with a real person.
According to a new survey 87 percent of Americans now use the Internet. It’s easy to spot someone that uses the Internet. They are the ones with cheap Rolexes, low mortgage rates and blue pills from a Canadian pharmacy.
Scientists now say that a drug to treat low sexual desire in women needs more research. Currently the only things that can be used to treat low sexual desire in women are jewelry and George Clooney.
Scientists now say that a drug to treat low sexual desire in women needs more research. The good news is the scientists say that over 100 million men volunteered to help with the research.
The author of book called "How We Die," has died. His last words were, “I knew I should’ve called my book How We Live.”
TODAY’S AUDIO…
Today on the Bitman audio feed we have reality clips from Survivor,American Idol, plusDuck Dynasty and a late night round up with Dave, The Jimmys, Craig, Sethand Conan.
Plus more from Ron Jordan and the Bitman audio archive! It’s all at BitmanComedy.com in the Subscribers area
Not hearing anything? TV Sound bites are available at BitmanComedy.com! If you need access to the site, contact Adrienne Munos at United Stations Radio Network at 561-381-7598 or
TINSELTOWN TATTLER…
Police believe that LAMAR ODOM'S drug dealers could be behind the $250,000 jewelry heist at the home he shared with KHLOE KARDASHIAN. According to TMZ, Lamar owed 10s of thousands of dollars to dealers when he left to play basketball in Spain last month. They’re also saying Lamar was getting text messages threatening his safety and warning him they’d break into his home to get even. Now it turns out that another $50,000 in cash was stolen from KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN'S house last month and police believe the two heists are related. Kourtney received cash for a paid appearance and kept the money in what she thought was a safe place in her house before she had a chance to go to the bank, but later discovered it missing.
If you have over $6 million burning a hole in your pocket you could own the home seen on KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS. It turns out they don’t actually live in the home but just use it for exterior shots because they don’t want the public seeing their real mansion for security reasons.One bonus feature of the home is that if you’re the buyer you can force the Kardashians to stop using the house on their show.
You’re not invited and you may not even want to attend, but KIM KARDASHIAN and KANYE WEST have set a wedding date. The couple will marry on May 24th in Paris. A source says, "It won't be a huge wedding…Around 150 people."
Depending on whom you believe, MARK-KATE OLSEN either turned down Olivier Sarkozywhen he first proposed to her or she wants a brief engagement and a quick marriage while he wants to take things slowly. Us Weekly says that Sarkozy first proposed months ago, but Mary-Kate turned him down. They also say that the two are also talking about starting a family.
TINSELTOWN TATTLER 2…
KELSEY GRAMMER and his wife Kayte are expecting their second child. Altogether this will be Grammer’s sixth child and he’s also a grandfather.
A source tells People magazine that KATY PERRY and JOHN MAYER split because, despite caring about each other very much and wanting to make it work, they’re quite different. At least that’s according to a source supposedly close to Mayer. Meanwhile, an industry insider cited their age gap. Although it’s not much of a gap as Katy is 29 and Mayer is 36, she still likes to party whereas he’s not much into that scene anymore. However, another source tells the E channel that Katy had been thinking about moving on for some time before the split. This source says Katy felt for a while that something wasn't quite right between them and that something was missing, although it wasn’t because of his wandering eye.
A gathering of WHITNEY HOUSTON'S family turned nasty. It was a Sweet 16 party for Whitney’s niece, which was a formal affair. However, the trouble began when Bobbi Kristina's husband, Nick Gordon, showed up in a hoodie and knit cap looking like a thug. There’d already been a long-simmering family feud between Nick and Whitney's nephew, Gary Michael Houston, and apparently the fashion faux pas was the last straw. After the guests left, Gary delivered a beat down on Nick, slamminghim to the floor and pummeling his face. Word has it that Nick didn’t even get a single punch in.
Miami Beach Police have released more photos and video of JUSTIN BIEBER from when he was in custody back in January. The photos show Justin revealing his extensive tattoos collection and taking his drug test, albeit with private parts blurred out. (See here) Meanwhile, it looks like Justin has blown his last chance with SELENA GOMEZ. Apparently that trip to rehab to get over Justin worked for Selena as she reportedly laughed when she saw his Instagram post of her photo at an Oscars party and added the caption, "Most elegant princess in the world." Selena reportedly also thought it was stupid and childish.
TINSELTOWN TATTLER 3…
A guy named Brandon Howard plans to come forward today with what he says is solid DNA evidence that proves he’s MICHAEL JACKSON’S son. Brandon is 31 years old and the son of singer Miki Howard, who Joe Jackson managed back in the 1980s. He’s also a singer and goes by the name B Howard and appears on a new Akon song. Howard claims he got Michael’s DNA from an old orthodontic device he wore and the test results show a match. No word on how he got the device, but he does plan to seek money from Jackson’s estate. However, Howard will be disappointed to hear the deadline for any such claims has passed. (See Howard perform here)
SEAN PENN and ROBIN WRIGHT'S daughter DYLAN PENN has begun making a name for herself in the modeling world. However, someone would like to see her pose in a lot less clothing. Playboy magazine reportedly offered Dylan about $150,000 to pose for the cover, but she turned them down.
The women on THE VIEW got their collective granny panties in a knot the other day. While Whoopi Goldberg did get to present at Sunday's Academy Awards, she called out ABC for not inviting the women of The View to help cover the Oscars red carpet. Whoopi said that it was a shame to walk down the red carpet and see every other ABC daytime show, except for Rachael Ray, represented. Barbara Walters agreed and said that ABC doesn’t promote the show and treats them like stepchildren. (See here)
It’s too bad that GENE SIMMONS no longer has his reality show because this would’ve been a perfect scene. Simmons and his 25-year-old son, Nick, were at Tuesday night's premiere for 300: Rise of an Empire when he tried to get star Lena Headey away from a black carpet interview to meet his son. Lena politely smiled as Simmons put his hand on her back and tried to guide her away from the interview and over to his son. Simmons finally gave up and Nick was forced to offer up an apology before the family made its way into the premiere.
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD…
LINDSAY LOHAN will guest star on the April 14th episode of 2 BROKE GIRLS. Lindsay will be playing a bridezilla who asks the girls to make her wedding cake.
PATRICIA ARQUETTE will star in CBS' latest CSI spin-off pilot. Arquette will play the head of the FBI's Cyber Crime Division in Quantico, Virginia, who solves crimes that start in the mind, live online and play out in the real world. The pilot’s characters will be introduced in an episode of CSI this spring.
Former Kings of Queens star LEAH REMINI is the latest celebrity to get a reality show. TLC has ordered 12 half-hour episodes of the show which will debut this summer. The show will also feature her family and, according to a press release, “Leah is a no-nonsense, hard-working, relatable mom, wife, daughter and sister. Her sharp humor and unfiltered family are a perfect match for the network.”
There’s been much said about the shortcomings of the OSCARS voting process and now two Academy members have admitted casting their ballots for 12 YEARS A SLAVE without ever having watched the movie. The voters are remaining anonymous, but said they didn't see the movie because they thought it would be upsetting. However, they voted for it anyway because, given the film's social relevance, they felt obligated to do so.
MUSIC NOTES…
Here are last week’s top 10 albums (with sales figures) according to Billboard magazine…
1. ScHoolboy Q - Oxymoron - 139,000
2. Soundtrack - Frozen - 91,000
3. Beck - Morning Phase - 87,000+
4. Kid Cudi - Satellite Flight: The Journey to Mother Moon - 87,000
5. Romeo Santos - Formula: Vol. 2 - 85,000
6. Dierks Bentley - Riser - 63,000
7. Eric Church - The Outsiders - 43,000
8. The Fray - Helios - 37,000
9. Various - Now 49 - 34,000
10. Beyonce - Beyonce - 32,000
The first footage of the JIMI HENDRIX biopic All Is By My Side has been posted online. The movie focuses on the years 1966 and 67 and stars OUTKAST frontman ANDRE 3000 as Hendrix. (See here)
A bunch of BEATLES memorabilia is going on the auction block this month and some of it could be yours if you have deep pockets. Among the items is the piano John Lennon and Paul McCartney played while filming the movie Help! It’s a 1907 Bechstein Concert Grand, which they used to compose the title track. It’s currently owned by the movie's director, Richard Lester, who also claims Paul used it to compose "Yesterday." Also up for bids will be the jackets that Ringo Starr and George Harrison wore in the movie and the coats they wore on the album cover.
MUSIC NOTES 2…
SPANDAU BALLET will premiere a documentary about their rise and breakup at South by Southwest in Austin next week. They’ll also reunite and play their first show in America in 28 years. (See preview clip here)
If you’re trying to decide which member of ONE DIRECTION to set your sights on you might make it Liam Payne or Louis Tomlinson. It turns out that they’re the highest paid members of the band. That’s because they co-wrote almost half of the songs on their latest album Midnight Memories. That means in addition to whatever they’re paid for performing they get songwriting royalties on top of that. The band is believed to be worth about $150 million thanks to various income sources including their own perfume and even duct tape.
If the music thing doesn’t work out,KATY PERRY could perhaps get a job on the Weather Channel. During a recent guest appearance on Australia's Sunrise morning news show Katy was given a "nifty wand" and tried her hand at weather forecasting. (See here)
JEWEL has launched a crowdfunding campaign to bring fans to Nashville to watch her make her next album.Jewel says it’ll be a companion piece to her 1995 debut "Pieces of You." Jewel also said that she’s writing her autobiography. Jewel says she turned down some recent label offers and is planning to release the new album on her own and hopes to have it out late this year or early in 2015.
SEAN KINGSTON was almost arrested for skipping out on a nearly $9,000 bar tab in the Dominican Republic last weekend! Kingston was at a place called Euphoria where the managers promised to "take care of" him. Sean thought that meant everything was on the house so when he called it a night he just hit the bricks. The club called police, who tracked him down and told him he couldn’t leave the country unless he settled up. They say Kingston was very apologetic when the mistake was explained to him and he paid his bill.
MUSIC NOTES 3…
KEITH URBAN has launched his own line of graphic T-shirts. The $60 tees for men and women feature paint cans, seahorses, key chains and American flag-printed trailers. They’re a bit steep, but they’re made by a garment factory in Haiti that invests 50 percent of its profits into the employees, families and community.
MERLE HAGGARD will release a 45th anniversary special edition of his Okie From Muskogee album. The two disc set will include a live recording of his The Fightin’ Side of Me album that has never been released on CD or digitally.
TUBULAR…
Daytime:
GMA:Scott Foley; actor Omar Epps; Bindi Irwin and her mother Terri
Today: Actress Cynthia Nixon; actor Ed Harris; Celtic Woman performs
Kelly & Michael: Ty Burrell (``Modern Family''); Scott Foley (``Mr. Peabody & Sherman'')
The View: Tom Selleck; actor Omar Epps; Thomas Rhett performs
The Talk: Actor Simon Baker
Queen Latifah:Aaron Eckhart; Michelle Monaghan (R)
Ellen:Meryl Streep; Vanessa Hudgens (R)
Primetime:
Fox: American Idol Results Show - Phillip Phillips and Kodaline perform
USA: The new sitcom Sirens debuts. It’s about Chicago paramedics and is described as a cross between Rescue Me and Scrubs. Dennis Leary is a producer.
TNT: NBA hoopsHeat at Spursand Clippers at Lakers
ESPN:College hoops Memphis at Cincinnati and Iowa at Michigan State
ESPN2:College hoops LSU at Vanderbilt, and UCLA at Washington
NBC Sports:NHL hockey with the Penguins at Sharks
Late Night:
Jimmy Kimmel: Aaron Paul; Jetta performs.
David Letterman: Bob Mould performs
Jimmy Fallon: Lindsay Lohan; Bad Things perform
Craig Ferguson:Rosie Perez
Seth Meyers:Martha Stewart; rapper Lil Jon
Conan: John C. Reilly; The Haden Triplets featuring Ry Cooder
Arsenio:Rapper Rick Ross; wrestlers from ``Total Divas.''
THE WATERCOOLER…