WORKBOOK
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this. I can take the next thing that comes along.' . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Top 10 ways to lower your confidence - guaranteed!
- Focus on what went wrong or is bad in your life
- Vividly remember failures and the last time something went
wrong - Slouch and frown
- Have an internal voice criticise you
- Notice the uncomfortable feeling in your stomach or chest
- Imagine the worst thing that could possibly happen
- Take shallow breaths
- Speak very fast and with a high pitch
- Look down a lot
10. Try to please everyone
How to be more confident: Do the opposite of 1-10!
Our level of confidence tends to be related to
- How we imagine things in our mind
- What we say to ourselves
- How we feel about a situation
- Which meaning we attach to an event
If you feel less than optimal, the 3 main drivers of state are:
1. Focus: What we focus on, we will experience more of
2. Language: We can use language to strengthen or weaken our state
3. Physiology: By changing your physiology, you can easily increase your testosterone and decrease your cortisol levels.
The best way to change your focus is to ask yourself questions. Which questions could you ask to change your state quickly?
What do you habitually say to yourself to make yourself feel bad? What could you say instead?
Notice how you stand/sit/walk on a regular basis. How could you change it in order to feel more confident?
1. 1.Write down 3 good things that happened at the end of each day
2. Write down the things that worry you and analyse them without getting emotionally sucked in
3. Look at your resume (CV) whenever you feel less than confident.
4. Keep a success journal
5. Create a support group of people who are positive and push you forward
Useful Beliefs to have:
1. I am responsible for my own feelings
2. I am responsible for my own behaviour
3. I always have choices about how I respond to situations, events, and people
4. No one can make me upset, angry, happy etc
5. I can practice and learn new and more effective behaviours
Measure how good/confident/positive you feel on a regular basis and if you are below a certain level: CHANGE YOUR STATE!
Learned Optimism
Permanence: “This too shall pass!” “It will be alright soon!”
Pervasiveness: “This is just a hiccup!” “I just stubbed my toe!”
Personalization: “He probably just had a bad day!” “Good thing that all my other customers love me!”
The past does not equal the future!
The present does not equal the future!
Our expectations and feelings about the future lead to the future!
Coaching Model
Emotional Intelligence
Key Learning Points:
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is proven to be a more accurate predictor of relationship and negotiation success than the intelligence quotient (IQ).
The EI components can be learned throughout life at any age whereas IQ levels out in our late teens.
Today’s most successful negotiators and leaders tend to have a high EQ.
Especially in culturally diverse environments, a high EQ is very beneficial in leading and managing people successfully.
Questions for reflection:
Who among your friends would you consider to be emotionally intelligent? Why?
How do you think their approach to relationships and communication impact their negotiation and influence performance? What do they excel at?
In which competencies do you feel you excel?
Why?
Which competencies do you feel you could benefit from improving?
Why?
Self-Awareness
Key Learning Points:
Individuals with a high level of Self-Awareness are able to:
Be neither overly critical nor unrealistically hopeful.
Be honest – with themselves and others.
Recognise how feelings impact them, others and job performance.
Work well with others & build trust in relationships.
Understand their moods and deeper reasons for frustrations.
Turn anger into something more constructive and take action.
Understand their personal values & goals and act upon them.
Questions for reflection:
Who among your friends would you consider to be highly self-aware?
What do they do, or not do, that makes you feel they have a high level of self-awareness?
In your view, what impact does their high level of self-awareness have on the people they interact with and their job performance?
What are 3 things you can do to enhance your own self-awareness?
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What are 3 things you can do to enhance others' self-awareness?
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If you were to enhance your own self-awareness, what might the benefits be for you, the people you deal with and your environment?
Self-Regulation
Key Learning Points:
Individuals with a high level of Self-Regulation are able and willing to:
Manage internal dialogue positively.
Take a moment before responding under pressure.
Find ways to regulate negative emotions.
Look at a problem from different perspectives.
Suspend judgment, seek out information and listen.
Talk openly about their weaknesses.
Let their colleagues know when they don’t feel too good.
Questions for reflection:
Who among your friends would you consider to be good at regulating their emotions? Why?
What are 3 things you can do to enhance your others’ self-regulation?
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What are 3 things you can do to enhance your own self-regulation?
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If you were to enhance your own self-regulation, what might the benefits be?
Social Awareness
Key Learning Points:
Individuals with a high level of Empathy are able to:
Sense and understand others viewpoints.
Listen and NOT solve people’s problems automatically.
Figure out the ‘real’ messages within a communication.
Be patient, non-judgmental and sincere in their communication.
Apply excellent listening skills.
Account for others feelings rather than take on their problems.
Questions for reflection:
Who among your friends would you consider to be empathic? Why?
What are 3 things you can do to develop others' ability and willingness to demonstrate more empathy?
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What are 3 things you can do to enhance your own ability and willingness to demonstrate empathy?
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If you were to enhance your own ability and willingness to demonstrate empathy, what might the benefits be for you, the people you deal with and your environment?
Social Skills
Key Learning Points:
Individuals with a high level of Social Skills are able to:
Move people in the direction they desire.
Build rapport and trust with others quickly and easily.
Create a wide circle of acquaintances.
Be perceived as popular for their integrity and authenticity.
Find common ground during conflict.
Believe that ‘nothing gets achieved alone’.
Questions for reflection:
Who among your friends would you consider to be good at social/relationship skills? Why?
What are 3 things you can do to enhance others' social skills?
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What are 3 things you can do to enhance your own social skills?
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If you were to enhance your own social skills, what might the benefits be for you and the people you deal with?
Self-Awareness and Maximising Your Personal Impact
“Know thyself” has been the advice given to people for millennia.
If we want to managerelationships effectively, we need to be aware of our own impact, our strengths, our weaknesses, and our values, as well as being able to walk our talk when it comes to our personal character and motivations.
Displaying such self-awareness inspires people to want to deal with us fairly, as we lead by example and helps to create more authentic relationships based on mutual trust, collaboration and ownership of results.
Maximising Personal Impact
Key Learning Points:
We all have an impact. Sometimes we are not aware of it.
When we meet people for the first time, we often judge them based on insufficient information and our personal prejudices.
If people display behaviours/habits we don’t like, they might not be aware of them. Those are called ‘blind spots’. Rather than criticise them, we should point them out in a constructive manner.
We also might have ‘blind spots’ and would benefit from having them pointed out to us.
Questions for Reflection:
Which behaviours/habits have you noticed in other people?
How have those behaviours influenced your judgment of them?
If you had more information on why they are displaying those behaviours, might you judge them differently? If so, how might this be?
How could you communicate potential blind spots to them in a constructive manner that will help them learn about themselves and their impact?
How could you find out about your own blind spots?Who would you trust to support you in obtaining some candid, supportive feedback?
Exploring Personal Values
Key Learning Points:
We each have values that drive our behaviours and we tend to filter the information we receive according to those values.
Our values can be sorted by importance and sometimes our values can conflict with each other. Those conflicts can lead to self-sabotage.
It is important to share those values with others; otherwise people could inadvertently violate them and unintentionally cause upset.
If we know other people’s values, we can motivate them by appealing to those values.
Questions for Reflection:
How could you use your knowledge of people’s values to motivate them more easily? Which questions could you ask to find out their values?
Do you notice any potential conflicts when comparing your values with the values of others? How can you make sure that they dovetail so that even tough conversations and negotiations can take place while reinforcing your relationship rather than damaging it?
How could ensure that you live your own values more often? What might 5 of the benefits be for you, the people around you and perhaps even your family?
Reframing
Key Learning Points:
Sometimes we have certain beliefs about ourselves and the world that disempower us.
We need to understand that a belief is just one way of looking at reality, but it is not REALITY.
When we find different ways of looking at situations, we can change the meaning we attach to them and free ourselves from limitations.
Potential Questions:
a) What else could this mean?
b) What can I learn from this?
c) How do I want to feel?
d) What would I have to believe to feel that way right now?
e) What am I willing to do about it right now?
Beliefs and Confidence
Key Learning Points:
Our level of confidence is often limited by our beliefs about ourselves, our abilities and the world/people around us.
Highly confident people tend to have beliefs that support their high self esteem and level of confidence and filter everything that happens to them through those beliefs. People with low self confidence do the same.
A belief is not the truth, but an accepted generalisation about something. It has been learned and then strengthened by perceived evidence.
It is possible to change beliefs by challenging the evidence we use to strengthen those beliefs or by changing our somatic experience regarding the beliefs.
Exercise:
Which limiting beliefs are you aware of?
If you can't think of any, just finish these sentences:
"I am very confident, but…."
"I would like to be more confident, but…"
"I can speak up for myself, but…"
"It is okay to say "no" to others, but…"
"I am able to ask for the things I want, but…"
Whatever you put behind the "but" tends to be a limiting belief. Beliefs are most often phrased as "I am…", "Others are….". If your statement is phrased differently, just continue asking "why?" until you have a statement that conforms to the "I am…", "Others are..:" format.
Now find an example of why you think this belief is true (evidence). This should be a situation that occurred in the past.
- Describe the meaning you are giving the situation.
- Describe the situation without adding any meaning.
- Can you distinguish between the reality and your interpretation of it?
- Find 2-5 alternative meanings for that situation. What else could what happened really mean?
- Can you agree that your interpretation is just one of many possible ones and not the "truth"?
- Could it be that some events have no inherent meaning? That the event that caused you to think it was evidence for your belief did not really mean anything?
- Think about the original event again. Do you still attach a meaning to it or are you aware that it might not have had anything to do with your interpretation?
Precision in Communication
Key Learning Points:
We tend to employ many words that don’t have a precise meaning. We use them as if they were specific. This leads to misunderstandings.
We need to challenge vague language and force ourselves to be precise in our communication.
Feedback is a critical part of the communication equation.
You may need to repeat the message several times as the other person might not necessarily have heard what you said.
Invite questions and allow all discussions.
Understanding reactions is critical!
The best way to obtain accurate information is to ask precise questions:
‘Just so I understand, what do you mean by…?’
‘And just so you understand, what I mean by that is…’
Questions for Reflection:
What are the barriers to being precise?
How could you overcome them?
How could you ensure that the people who communicate with you, also agree on the value of being precise?
What would 5 potential benefits be if there was more precision in communication? Consider points such as quality, clarity, errors, annoyance, relationships…
The Agreement Frame – Disagreeing Agreeably
Key Learning Points:
Using the word ‘But’ is a major hindrance to establishing rapport
Substituting it with ‘And’ helps us acknowledge the other person’s point of view while agreeably disagreeing with their position
Using the Agreement Frame allows us to make the other person feel understood and gives us the opportunity to change their state quickly
This also allows us to change the direction of the conversation to a solution-focused one
”I am not satisfied with this report!” “I understand that you are not satisfied with the reportand may I ask what I can do to make it better?”
“I can’t work overtime this week.” “I appreciate that and I still have to ask you to work overtime, because we have to keep our promise to the client.”
Which situations can you imagine in the future where it could be valuable to use this approach?
The "Reptile"
- Reptilian” brain
- Located in the brain stem
- Instinctual
- Concerned with survival - not well-being
- Faster than “modern” brain
- Creates emotional hijackings
How to have more control over the reptile brain
- Learn coping strategies
- Learn to calm down the parasympathetic nervous system
- Rehearse actions
- Have emergency plans ready
The "Chimp" Brain
- “Mammalian” brain
- Located in the limbic system (cortex)
- Learned responses (upbringing, social norms)
- Concerned with procedures, not options
- Can contain contradictory programmes
- Often follows path of least effort
How to have more control over the chimp brain
- Notice limiting beliefs
- Practice new behaviours
- Realise that people’s negative actions and reactions are very often based on their internal programmes, not their intentions
- Don't take anything personally
The "Human" Brain
- “Human” brain
- Located in the prefrontal lobe (neo-cortex)
- Skilled, tactful, flexible
- Matures around age 24
- Conscious mind
How to have more control over the human brain
- Change automatic behaviours (take different path to work, eat food you don’t like, learn new hobby, ‘eat the frog’)
- Step outside your comfort zone
- Set challenging goals
- Set standards
- Decide which behaviours you wish to exhibit more of and coach yourself and allow yourself to be coached
- Ask yourself “What is my outcome?” in all situations
Questions for reflection:
Which of these ideas will you implement first?
What do you think the positive results might be for you?
Additional Techniques
Anchors
An anchor is a conditioned reflex that can be used to re-experience useful states.
- Clarify the specific state you want to anchor.
- Go back to a time where you were in the desired state. Enhance the experience by using your favourite submodalities. Make the feeling as strong and powerful as possible.
- At the peak of the experience, set an anchor.
- Test the anchor by breaking the state (e.g. change physiology) and then firing off the anchor.
Anchors can be installed using all the different representational systems. (Sometimes a smell can evoke a state, while sounds, pictures and tastes can also trigger them.)
Time Lines
People process time in different ways. How do you know that events have happened in the past or will happen in the future? When you find out where you would spatially place events in the past and in the future, you can map out your time line.