LI, M. et al HILARITY QUARTERLY, FEBRUARY-APRIL 2007 · VOL. 2, ISS. 1
“This is simple Mendelian genetics! Didn’t we learn this in 7th grade?”
“Not everyone had Ms R-B.”
“Fine, freshman bio then.”
“Not everyone had Dr Wood.”
“AP Bio!”
“Not everyone had AP Bio!”
~ M. Li/W. Yang, 1 Feb. 2007
“Somebody stole my calculator, so I broke into your locker and stole Josh’s calculator.”
~ C. Doughty, 1 Feb. 2007
“Stop speaking British!”
(with contrived RP) “But it’s so much fun.”
(with horrible British accent) “Well I hate you.”
~ D. Epstein/M. Li, 2 Feb. 2007
“I am having tea with honey. I need a crumpet.”
“You are a strumpet.”
“What is that?”
“A ho.”
“…”
“It rhymes with crumpet; I couldn’t resist. Although it was hardly a SKILFUL jibe. It was a good ENDEAVOUR. Aren’t you going to CRITICISE me? And do JUDGEMENT on my ENDEAVOUR? I need to FULFIL my quota of Briticisms. Check out my SKILFUL linguistic MANOEUVRES. It’s hard LABOUR though.”
~ M. Li/M. Bell, 2 Feb. 2007
“I like French onion soup.”
“You like French and Indian soup?”
~ M. Bell/M. Li, 5 Feb. 2007
“My MotM paper has 8 Briticisms, including ‘Pure rubbish, the lot of it.’ I wonder if I am going to get shot.”
“You won’t. I like raising hell. I’ll raise hell if they shoot us. Unless they shoot us with an automatic weapon. Then I might not have the energy.”
~ M. Li/M. Bell, 5 Feb. 2007
“Daniel needs to get a brain.”
~ M. Li, 6 Feb. 2007
(trying to figure out which dialect of English my cousin is learning)
“How do you say cān jīn zhě in English?”
“Restaurant paper.”
~ M. Li/Y. Xu, 10 Feb. 2007
“How come Boy Scouts don’t sell cookies?”
“Boy Scouts sell bullets.”
~ M. Li/Z. Song, 11 Feb. 2007
“Daniel is so silly. First fyzzyx, then kehmesstree. What’s next?”
“Quakulous.”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 11 Feb. 2007
“Ever heard of cold fronts?”
“Yeah. Trench warfare in Russia in winter, of course.”
~ M. Li/M. Bell, 12 Feb. 2007
“I used ‘realise’, and lots of commas outside quotes. You do realise she’s gonna hate us.”
“I DON’T GIVE AN EFFING [----]. I’LL KICK HER [---] IF SHE GIVES US CRAP ABOUT IT. Although maybe I should wait to graduate first.”
~ M. Li/M. Bell, 12 Feb. 2007
“Hey, I found the superintendent’s address. How convenient… it’s right by the cemetery.”
~ A. Ghorbani, 13 Feb. 2007
“I was trying to think the other day if I knew any coherent guys. I decided I didn’t.”
“Josh, maybe?”
“He is sometimes. Much better than Daniel.”
~ J. Doughty/M. Li, 14 Feb. 2007
“My evil plot to slip LSD into the superintendent’s beer has finally succeeded.”
~ M. Bell, 14 Feb. 2007
“Who in their right mind would name a city Liverpool?”
“A dog. Duh.”
~ M. Li/M. Bell, 16 Feb. 2007
“I played Monopoly against a turtle, a Lego astronaut, and a stapler today.”
~ D. Epstein, 18 Feb. 2007
“I’ll break perfidy into its roots. If Daniel is fid, and I’m per, I stab Daniel. That’s perfidy.”
~ M. Li, 20 Feb. 2007
“I read that TJ is number 38 on the list of terrorist attack targets in the US. If the Syslab is taken out, the Pentagon can’t connect to the Internet or something.”
~ E. Stone, 22 Feb. 2007
“Throat-clearing is two cards; coughing is one card; supreme hacking is void.”
~ H. Kelsen, 23 Feb. 2007
“Didn’t you learn about the unification of Germany in HUM I? The Franco-Prussian War? World War I?!”
“In our HUM, we went straight from the French Revolution to Gandhi.”
~ J. Struck/E. Stone, 26 Feb. 2007
“The Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated on a beautiful spring day.”
“Wasn’t it in summer?”
“Yeah.”
~ J. Struck/M. Li/J. Kohn, 26 Feb. 2007
“How’s it going with you and Phil?”
“Switzerland?”
~ A. Katkova/M. Li, 27 Feb. 2007
“I thought I saw a calico cat on the sidewalk, except it was one of those signs. So I was going to tell you that I had just hallucinated a calico cat, except then I realised how weird that would sound.”
~ M. Li, 27 Feb. 2007
“I couldn’t understand what this verse of a Faudel song meant until I discovered that assomer does not mean to assume, but rather to knock out.”
~ M. Li, 27 Feb. 2007
“Russia mobilised three million men, but only two million of them could be armed. The others were there for moral support.”
~ J. Struck, 27 Feb. 2007
“I was on the computer editing my Facebook, and Liban wanted to use it for Diplomacy. Since our tasks were equally important, I asked Liban why he should get to use the computer, and he said that I didn’t have a deadline.”
~ K. Mohamed, 27 Feb. 2007
“Es ist fies, den Unterricht zu schneiden.”
~ D. Saha, 28 Feb. 2007
“This is classified Writing SOL information. If somebody asks you where you got it, tell them you found it. If they persist, eat it.”
~ H. Kelsen, 2 Mar. 2007
(studying vocabulary)
“Expedient.”
“Dot com!”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 2 Mar. 2007
“We should use these words to describe Daniel. Daniel vacillates like a Spanish cow. Daniel is not pragmatic. I wish Daniel were ascetic. Daniel’s depravity is evident when he plays Diplomacy. Daniel’s existence is heresy… Daniel’s not going to be happy with this, is he?”
“He doesn’t know what any of them mean.”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 2 Mar. 2007
“My examples are so violent! ‘If you don’t like it, I will slap you in the face. If you eat the orange, you will die.’”
“Death is cool.”
~ H. Kelsen/P. Graves, 9 Mar. 2007
“Did you accept my orders change?”
“Yeah. Your revisions were pretty bad for you, though.”
“Well, c’est la vie.”
~ P. Graves/M. Li, 9 Mar. 2007
“War guilt clause: The clause which… required Germany to pay 100% of the costs of the war to the victors Britain and France (and somewhat Italy, though the Italians were shafted for the most part).”
~ B. Hood, 10 Mar. 2007
“We need to think up a codename for your petit ami. What country is he right now in Diplomacy?”
“Germany.”
“Who’s the leader of Germany?”
“No, you are NOT calling him Angela Merkel.”
~ L. Gupta/M. Li, 12 Mar. 2007
“You have no reason yet to suspect that I’m insane.”
“You GM a Dip game. That’s reason enough.”
~ M. Li/F. Sufitchi, 14 Mar. 2007
“Ooh, a WWII timeline! Can I see the back?”
“I’m not done with the front yet.”
“Which front, the European front, the Pacific front, or the African front?”
“… All three.”
~ M. Li/W. Yang, 15 Mar. 2007
“What are you doing, Monica?”
“I’m committing treason.”
~ L. Zou/M. Li, 16 Mar. 2007
“Copenhagen isn’t a foreign country!”
“Yeah it is!… Oh, wait, not Copenhagen, I meant the Czech Republic!”
~ M. Li/D. Epstein, 16 Mar. 2007
“Define appease.”
“Giving land to Germany.”
(later)
“Explain esoteric.”
“Like Dip. What is A01 anyway?”
~ M. Li/J. Doughty, 16 Mar. 2007
“I can tell which essay outline you wrote. It says, ‘Insert lots of military history here.’ It must be the Phil effect.”
~ J. Kohn, 19 Mar. 2007
“If for every 99 boys born there are 96 girls, why is 52% of the German population female? Did the women kill all the extra men or something?”
~ C. Vaden, 19 Mar. 2007
“I claim you, William.”
“Hey, Will, want to work with me?”
“I’m sorry, Phil, she claimed me. Can’t you see the Monica flag sticking out of my head?”
~ M. Li/P. Grisdela/W. Yang, 20 Mar. 2007
“Do you have any real food? I’ve had nothing to eat all day except fruit.”
“I’ve got $10…”
“Ooh, that’s real food!”
~ L. Mohamed/M. Li, 20 Mar. 2007
“Glatt.”
“May I hear the word used in a sentence?”
“No! This is not a spelling bee!”
~ J. Rector/C. Vaden, 21 Mar. 2007
“Venus was really bright last night.”
“Wasn’t that the moon?”
~ B. Kogan/G. Yoon, 21 Mar. 2007
“Germany was Hitlerist—Nazi!”
~ D. Epstein, 21 Mar. 2007
“Only two of the Diplomats I know or have heard of at TJ are female.”
“WTF? Ooh, I thought you said the only two Diplomats you knew were female. I was wondering… Phil and me?”
~ M. Li/F. Sufitchi, 21 Mar. 2007
“Food diplomacy: A the computer - the kitchen.”
“In Venice, it’s F com-kit.”
~ M. Bell/F. Sufitchi, 21 Mar. 2007
“I forgot what those triangle thingies were…”
“Huh? OH! GRR…”
“Just kidding, I know they’re samosas.”
“At first, I thought that you had forgotten what deltas were.”
~ M. Li/D. Saha, 23 Mar. 2007
“I don’t care much for spelling… *I dnot caer mchu fro spleeing.”
~ F. Sufitchi, 25 Mar. 2007
“What are you doing, Monica?”
“Robbing a bank.”
“Ah. Carry on.”
~ L. Mohamed/H. Kelsen, 26 Mar. 2007
“Your test is this Friday, so you know what you need to do…”
“Pray.”
“Actually, I’d have expected something more violent from you.”
~ A. Jones/E. Copenhaver, 26 Mar. 2007
“Where’s my pen? Oh, it’s in my pocket…”
“Only Nazis would slip pens into their pockets.”
~ H. Kelsen/M. Li, 26 Mar. 2007
“I need someone to tell me my physics answers are wrong and tell me the right answers.”
“Your physics answers are wrong. 42.”
~ M. Li/F. Sufitchi, 26 Mar. 2007
“¿Qué pasa? Qu’est-ce qui se passe? Vaas eest oop?”
~ B. Jones, 26 Mar. 2007
“I’ve been meaning to ask you this for seven months… In Chem I, were your seating arrangements random?”
“No.”
“It’s ALL YOUR FAULT!”
~ M. Li/K. Orenstein, 28 Mar. 2007
“Aww, how come you guys aren’t wearing white for Darfur?”
“I’m wearing grey for… half of Darfur.”
~ J. Holt/D. Epstein, 29 Mar. 2007
“I sincerely hope that you will uphold the international date convention when April comes.”
“I was planning on doing that just to make you happy.”
~ M. Li/J. Struck, 29 Mar. 2007
“Do you have a serviette in your purse?”
“Do I have the Soviet Union in my purse?”
~ M. Li/Z. Song, 30 Mar. 2007 (rep.)
“How was your southern experience?”
“It was Confederate.”
~ J. Doughty/M. Li, 31 Mar. 2007
“Don’t say ‘…’! Say something constructive. Not destructive.”
“Aww.”
“Okay, never mind. That looks too weird coming from you.”
“Mwahahaha.”
“Much better.”
~ M. Li/F. Sufitchi, 3 Apr. 2007
“He has a sibling?”
“Plural. Little brother, little sister. In his words, ‘the shaft’.”
~ L. Gupta/M. Li, 4 Apr. 2007
“Maybe I should send an encrypted message. ‘Good day, Aurelian of XV Corps of 32nd Division. Martha would like to know your coordinates and your operation for the next 4800 hours. Over and out.’ His parents might get really freaked out, though. ‘Since when was our son drafted to Iraq?’”
~ M. Li, 4 Apr. 2007
(watching “Titanic”)
“I don’t even have a picture of him.”
“Except you know he looked like Leonardo DiCaprio.”
~ G. Stuart/L. Zou, 6 Apr. 2007
“I counter sarcasm with super-sarcasm, and super-sarcasm with uber-sarcasm, and uber-sarcasm with instant decapitation. But nobody’s ever used uber-sarcasm.”
~ F. Sufitchi, 6 Apr. 2007
“Which French numbers do you know?”
“The ones up to 50 so I can tell my age.”
“Because after that, it doesn’t matter.”
~ M. Li/A. Katkov/Al. Katkova, 8 Apr. 2007
(playing Faultline)
“What type of fault slip characterises the San Andreas Fault?”
“Argh… all of it’s like striky dippy slippy…”
~ M. Li/A. Katkova, 8 Apr. 2007
(playing Faultline)
“Who pwns?”
“It would be really cute if the answer were Phil.”
~ M. Li/K. Mohamed, 8 Apr. 2007
(entering the Syslab)
“Okay, we’ve crossed the threshold. Can I leave now?”
“A very dangerous crossing…”
~ A. Katkova/R. Latimer, 10 Apr. 2007
“What’s a bad word in French that starts with a c?”
“… Merde!”
~ H. Kelsen/T. Xu, 10 Apr. 2007
“Limits would be a lot more fun if they were lemon-lime flavoured.”
~ M. Bell, 10 Apr. 2007
“I went to a funeral on Thursday.”
“Who did you kill?”
~ H. Kelsen/T. Stewart-Cannon, 10 Apr. 2007
“Iran from Iraq.”
~ D. Saha, 13 Apr. 2007
“People’s names in the 1860s were so weird, like, Heth, Doubleday, McLaws… and my favourite, Brigadier General Adolph von Steinwehr.”
~ M. Li, 14 Apr. 2007
“Hey, Monica, when are you going to take over the world? You play Diplomacy, right?”
“… That goes in HQ!”
~ H. Deng/M. Li\A. Katkova, 18 Apr. 2007
“I have common sense.”
“Well, I have common dollars.”
“Well, I have common euros, and both of you are pwned!”
~ J. Doughty/D. Epstein/M. Li, 18 Apr. 2007
“The longer you know Monica, the less you know.”
“I drain your mind and drink your blood.”
“1/2 litre.”
~ A. Katkova/M. Li, 19 Apr. 2007
“I turned in my paper to Beeckman. But I say Bakeman. Bake. Bake. Bake. Bake… I’m so glad it’s Friday. Bake. Bake…”
~ H. Kelsen, 20 Apr. 2007
“‘Not for children under 3.’ I guess it’s not for Daniel then.”
~ J. Doughty, 20 Apr. 2007
“I got second place on the network minesweeper thing. I beat all the Syslab people!”
~ J. Doughty, 20 Apr. 2007
“Aha, Endloskloner.”
~ C. Vaden, 23 Apr. 2007
“I got this haircut in Maryland, on the way back from Gettysburg.”
“Ooh, foreign haircut!”
~ M. Li/A. Katkova, 25 Apr. 2007
“Next week will be all history, English free week. English-free… we’ll make Monica happy and speak French all week!”
~ D. Castaldo, 26 Apr. 2007
(to Mr Struck) “I thought that you’d find it amusing that when I was in seventh grade, my life was revolutionised by a post-World War I map of Europe with an incorrect Russo-Finish border.”
~ M. Li, 26 Apr. 2007
“Cosine of what? Of one? One what? Oh, just one?”
~ M. Li, 26 Apr. 2007
“You’re not making any sense, Monica!”