Counsel for The

Counsel for the

Nearly and Newly Married

Leader’s Guide

Ernest White and James E. White

LifeWay Press

Third Printing • June 2001

Fourth Printing Online • 2004

No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying

and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in writing by the publisher.

Requests for permission should be addressed in writing to

LifeWay Press, One LifeWay Plaza, Nashville, TN 37234-0175.

ISBN 0-7673-9051-4

This book is the text for the course CG-0252 (Home/Family) of the Christian Growth category of the

Christian Growth Study Plan.

Dewey Decimal Classification: 306.81

Subject Heading: MARRIAGE

Printed in the United States of America

Leadership and Adult Publishing

LifeWay Church Resources

One LifeWay Plaza

Nashville, Tennessee 37234-0175

We believe the Bible has God for its author; salvation for its end; and truth, without any mixture of error, for its matter and that all

Scripture is totally true and trustworthy. The 2000 statement of The Baptist Faith and Message is our doctrinal guideline.. Contents

Chapter 1: Foundations for Premarital Counseling ...... 4

Chapter 2: Help Them Become “One Flesh”...... 9

Chapter 3: Premarital Counseling: A Delicate Balance ...... 15

Chapter 4: Approaches to Premarital Counseling ...... 21

Chapter 5: Creative Approaches to Counseling the Nearly and Newly Married ...... 26

Chapter 6: Why a Church Wedding?...... 32

Session 1: We Want to Get Married...... 39

Session 2: Have a Family Reunion! ...... 45

Session 3: When You Leave on Your Honeymoon ...... 51

Session 4: Self-Esteem: How Do You See Yourself? ...... 57

Session 5: Intimacy: Love’s Togetherness ...... 64

Session 6: Communication: What Language Do You Speak? ...... 70

Session 7: Conflict: What Happens If We Disagree? ...... 76

Session 8: Growth: The Goal of Marriage ...... 83

Christian Growth Study Plan ...... 90. will be usable for many different situations for the pastorand many different kinds of couples. For the Christian

pastor some universals and some principles are applicable

to many premarital counseling, wherever it is done.

Actually, this guide is a companion resource to Covenant

Marriage, which was first developed in 1987. We want

to help you, as a pastor or family ministry leader, be better

equipped to do Christian ministry with the couples who

come to be married by you.

In this chapter and those that follow, we will look

at some basic principles of premarital counseling and the

Christian teachings on which the pastor or family life

leader can base premarital guidance. In this chapter we

will establish some foundational approaches to premarital

counseling. In chapter 2, we will explore the biblical and

theological meaning of marriage and families. We will

view them as system networks which reach beyond the

couple or the “nuclear family.” Chapter 3 addresses the

range of issues which must be addressed if premarital

counseling is to be well-rounded and encourage balanced

married life. In chapter 4, we will explore a variety of

ways premarital counseling may be done, some of which

will be innovative. We will look at the wedding ceremony

itself as an act of worship in chapter 5.

Chapter 6 will be a launchpad into the space of premar-ital

counseling. With this chapter will come guidance for

couples themselves in exploring the world of married life.

With this guide we will be able to provide adventures into

areas such as family of origin (the family in which a per-son

grows up), commitment, self-esteem, intimacy, com-munication

skills, conflict management, and growth

issues. As you can see, we envision looking at premarital

counseling in a multifaceted way. Let us turn now

to uncover the foundations on which we will build.

Chapter 1

Foundations forPremarital Counseling

Friends have been asking, “Have you built a housebefore?” You see, for the past six months we’ve

been building a house; and my friends seem eagerto know if we know what we are doing. How would

you teach someone to build a house who has never built ahouse before or has built one and it didn’t turn out right?Consider this: A couple are sitting in your office, andthey’ve just announced that they are getting married andwant you to marry them. Mike is 23, a college graduate,has an entry-level manager’s job, and seems a bit cocky.He does all the talking. Melanie is 20, has two years of

college, is a secretary, and seems solicitous to please Mikeand nervous with you.

How do you help them? They seem to think, at leastaccording to Mike, that they already have their marriagehalf built and certainly all the plans in place. Both ofthem grew up in the church, and Melanie still attends, butMike dropped out some time ago. The families each camefrom are active in the church, and Mike’s father holdssome important leadership positions. You’ve already

guessed Mike has some ideas that may have to be modifiedabout arrangements for the wedding. Where do you takehold of their plans?That is what this manual is all about—teaching people

how to build a home when all they want from you is to getthem to the door. Of course, many couples want muchmore than a wedding ceremony when they come to youas a pastor. Many of them want you to teach them howto build a beautiful Christian home. That’s part of thepastor’s dilemma—neither the pastor nor the couple knowwhat to expect.In this guide we are going to walk step-by-step through

the ministry of premarital counseling and give you a guideto lead couples through their own home-planning process.We will try to make the guide adaptable enough that it.5

The Foundations

Four foundation principles form the cornerstone of

premarital counseling. They are connected to one

another; and, thus, their order is not as important as the

relationship they bear to one another.

Premarital Counseling

Offers a Creative and Redemptive Ministry

In some respects weddings are more taxing on pastors

than are funerals. The results of weddings often remain

more visible with pastors having a more continuous rela-tionship

with the families involved. Of course, it varies

case by case. However, this realization tends to underscore

one of many reasons pastors need to be well trained in

premarital counseling. Pastors are called on to excel in

many different kinds of ministry. Among them premarital

counseling and ministry are easy to neglect. Pastors can—

and many need to—improve and grow in their premarital

ministry, especially counseling the couple.

Premarital counseling offers unique opportunities for

ministry which are not duplicated in any other transition

of life. It is an invitation to help create and mold a rela-tionship

that blesses or curses those whose lives will

be daily shaped by that relationship. Like the creative

dimension of this ministry, the redemptive potential

pushes out in several directions. Marriage is an occasion

of redemptive ministry to the persons. At this important

turning point their spiritual lives are available to a pastor.

This is not a time for insensitively assaulting their spiri-tual

needs; it is a time for examining and strengthening

the spiritual resources they bring to marriage. We will

come back to this at a later time. An opportunity is

provided for redemptive ministry to the relationship they

bring for God’s blessing in the wedding. Our whole effort

in this guide will be to discover ways to enhance and

“sanctify” the relationship brought to marriage.

Premarital counseling is not only a private issue

between the pastor and the couple, although all appropri-ate

confidences must be protected as sacred. The ministry

to couples being married is also a church ministry; and

in the person of the pastor, the whole church is, in

a measure, involved with the ministry to the couple.

Leaders, such as deacons, need to know and help commu-nicate

how the church ministers to couples being married

through the counseling of the pastor and other services.

The preaching ministry offers an opportunity for the

pastor to make premarital counseling available to those

planning to marry. Sermons on the home and family

create open doors for the church to be informed about

how the pastor ministers for the church to couples being

married. This can be done without boasting of the time

spent or revealing confidences of those counseled, lest

those planning to marry are repulsed by fear of exploita-tion.

Preaching creates a climate in the church whereby

the pastor becomes approachable and supportive for those

initiating marriage plans.

Premarital counseling as a creative and redemptive

ministry is a form of contracting. The pastor or family life

leader contracts for the church that those who come to

be married will be sensitively and spiritually cared for.

Those who come to the pastor bring expectations to the

experience, and those expectations are confirmed or

changed as the counseling proceeds. The pastor has

expectations of those who come to be married, and he

must communicate clearly and compassionately those

expectations as a contract is formed for the counseling

and the wedding. This contracting becomes a relationship

between the pastor and the couple. It can certainly sym-bolize,

for the couple, their relationship to God and to the

Christian community. To marry a couple is a sacred trust

by the couple and by God who gives us access to the inner

lives of persons on such occasions.

This first cornerstone marks a clear boundary by which

pastors help couples build their first home together. It is

a creative and redemptive ministry.

Premarital Counseling Is Christ

Centered and Person Centered

The pastor, other minister, or family life leader knows

where to start with Christ as the measure of all of life.

While premarital counseling is not a monologue/preach-ing

session, it is an occasion for searching with the couple

for the Christian meaning in life and marriage. Even

when counseling couples where one or both is not

a Christian, the pastor has a companion Guide to bring

to the counseling, and the couple will soon realize that

another Presence is possible for them.

Additionally, the pastor’s whole frame of reference for

premarital counseling is Christ centered. Professional

counselors once thought they should approach counseling

“value free.” That is, they should communicate no value

preference to the persons counseled. Counseling has

matured enough by this time that most responsible

counseling professionals and therapists are willing to

be aware of and acknowledge their value orientation.

Couples come to a Christian pastor to lead their

marriage ritual for a reason. The pastor’s role carries

Foundations for Premarital Counseling.a message, and that message ought to be acknowledged

by the pastor to the couple. “I am glad you’ve come

to me as a pastor to plan your wedding and your mar-riage.”

At this point the pastor is Christ’s representative

to the couple, whatever their affiliation with the church.

This acknowledgment by the pastor frees the pastor to

address the spiritual dimensions of marriage with the cou-ple.

Christ-centered premarital counseling starts with who

does the counseling and goes on to what is done in the

counseling processes.

Premarital counseling is also person centered. Consider

who these persons are who come to you and what they

bring with them. Pastors often do not realize that much

premarital counseling is done because the pastor has

a need to be responsible with the couple being married

more than the couple has a desire to be helped by the

pastor. The pastor’s agenda is served by the counseling,

and the couple give assent to secure the wedding services

of the pastor. Wise is the pastor who knows and acknowl-edges

this with the couple so that their concerns may also

be addressed in the session.

Person-centered counseling allows the couple to voice

their interests without fear of being rejected or summarily

corrected. In person-centered counseling the pastor always

needs to ask in his own heart, “Whose agenda is this?”

The caring pastor will ensure that everyone’s agenda has

an opportunity for consideration and discussion.

Person-centered counseling requires the ability to rec-ognize

the variety of needs among persons who come to

be married. Because all of us develop somewhat set pat-terns,

we are sometimes subject to seeing every couple

who comes in the same way. When this happens, the

pastor is likely to develop one set way of responding

to and dealing with every couple.

Pastors who marry people over many years may see

more variety of persons and needs than on any other

occasion except Sunday morning worship. The persons

who come as couples come from two different family sys-tems,

and some bring additional material from earlier rela-tionships.

Carefully unwrapping the needs, backgrounds,

and interests of each person requires skill and sensitivity.

Pastors need to take care not to tear the wrappings off

against the will of the person in person-centered counsel-ing.

A good beginning point is to build authentic love

and trust in the relationship with the couple.

Consider some of the variety of persons ministers meet

in premarital counseling—couples who have known each

other a short time, couples who have a pregnancy already

begun, couples whose ages are separated, couples marrying

against family wishes or permission, couples with one or

both having been married before, couples with one or

both widowed, couples who are in their middle or even

early teens, couples who come from abusive or addictive

families, couples in which one is a committed Christian

and the other is not, couples in which each is deeply

committed to her/his family faith and neither is willing

to change. Obviously, the list has only begun with the

above sketch.

For a wide range of reasons, any one of the conditions

above may be something the couple may want to—and

sometimes does so successfully—hide from the pastor for a

long time or completely. In fact, individuals frequently

keep such information from their marital partner while

they think they know each other well. One of our goals in

this guide is to help you help couples know who they are

marrying as well as possible. Persons who marry illusions of

the other person soon find themselves deep in disillusion.

Person-centered premarital counseling also gives atten-tion

to the kind of relationship which the couple presents

when they come to be married. By the time a couple gets

married, regardless of the length of their courtship, they

have begun to develop their own rules of relationship.

Some of these have come from the families in which they

grew up, and others have come from their discoveries

about each other. Among the more recognizable patterns

are those relationships in which one partner uses anger to

control and the other placates—all in the name of love.

This principle of premarital counseling that is both

Christ centered and person centered will demonstrated

more fully as we proceed through the guide.

Premarital Counseling Must

Be Done with Integrity

Integrity requires the pastor or minister to be clear

about what premarital counseling is. Is it preaching

a sermon to an audience of two? Is it a teaching experi-ence

to communicate certain values and information

to the couple marrying? Is it a counseling opportunity

in which the psychological and emotional deficits of the

marrying persons are to be discovered and repaired? Is it

an orientation to Christian married life and a reflection

on the relationship the couple has begun to construct for

their future life together? This last option offers a most

fruitful and realistic approach to the task of premarital

counseling. It can be pursued and communicated with

integrity by the pastor to the couple. Clarity for the pastor

about what is being undertaken helps the couple become

full partners in the adventure.

Counsel for Nearly and Newly Married.7

Integrity to marriage itself must be a concern for the

pastor and the couple. If premarital counseling is Christ

centered for the pastor, the concepts of marriage must

be biblically based and clearly worked out in the mind

and consciousness of the pastor as leader in the guidance.

For this reason the next chapter of this guide will explore

the biblical and theological meaning of marriage in an

abbreviated form. It will be an occasion for “thinking

through” marriage as an encouragement for each

pastor/family life leader to work out one’s theology

of marriage. The Covenant Marriage resource provides

another excellent discussion of the nature of marriage.

A third kind of integrity necessary for responsible pre-marital

counseling concerns the integrity of the pastor.

Based on one’s understanding of marriage, a pastor must

live by Christian convictions. This raises question about

whom a pastor can willingly decide to marry. For example,

if a pastor believes marriage cannot be scripturally dis-solved

by divorce, the pastor will need to find ways to

communicate this to divorced persons who come,

attempting to avoid rejection of them as persons.

Again, if a pastor requires a serious approach to marriage

and weddings which involves a commitment to premarital

counseling, the pastor will need to make decisions about

those who will not or cannot meet that requirement.

Pastors are regularly requested to marry persons in circum-stances

which violate their own sense of professional or

Christian responsibility. The ability to say no to circum-stances

or requests without communicating rejection of

the persons is a skill and a courage the pastor must possess.