A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Written by Nika Štěpánková
Translated by Aleš Launer
***
Quince: (entering, looking around, looking at his watch) Too late, it’s too late.
Bottom: Hi. Sorry, the bus was not on time.
Quince: Such a stupid excuse. As old as coal, you know.
Bottom: The bus is not that old, it is an invention of the twentieth century.
Quince: Don’t argue with the director. Remember: The director and your mother are always right. Where are the others?
Bottom: I have no idea.
Quince: Too late, it’s too late. At last!
Flute: Sorry, director, I missed my bus.
Quince: Well, dear friends, this is not possible. Next time you will be here on time. Understand? ON TIME!
Others: (entering) Hi… hello… What’s up?
Quince: And what about you? Did you miss your buses?
Demetrius: How do you know that?
Quince: The director always knows everything. Get ready, everybody, we will start… Pyramus and Thisby.
Lysander: Wait a minute. We said we were going to play A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Helena: Yeah, by Shakespeare.
Quince: Pyramus and Thisby is by Shakespeare too.
Demetrius: But it’s shit.
Quince: The director decides whether the play is good or not.
Lysander: This is what I think.
Quince: Do you want to say that I am not a good director?
Lysander: I just want to say I am not going to play Pyramus.
Others: Me neither.
Quince: And what about the two of you?
Flute: Well, I wanna play it, I think.
Bottom: Me too. If I get the title role.
Quince: We can make it even in three actors. We will show you how to do it. (leaving)
First Scene
Hermia, Lysander: (running towards each other, calling their names, hugging each other)
Helena, Demetrius: (running towards each other, calling their names, hugging each other)
Father: (entering) Hermia, my daughter, where are you?
Hermia: What do you need, my father?
Father: Go for a walk, you are too pale.
Hermia: Yes, father.
Lysander: Hermia!
Hermia: Lysander! (a love date)
Demetrius: Helena!
Helena: Demetrius! (a horse ride, Demetrius notices Hermia and he throws Helena down, he rides proudly around Hermia, she watches him in disgust)
Demetrius: I love your daughter, my lord.
Father: Demetrius, boy, this horse is beautiful.
Demetrius: It is yours. Just give me your daughter Hermia to be my wife.
Father: Thank you very much, Demetrius, a really beautiful horse. (to Hermia) Hermia, my daughter!
Hermia: Yes, father.
Father: Look, Demetrius, your future husband.
Hermia: Oh no, I am not going to marry Demetrius. Never ever!
Father: Don’t worry, Demetrius, Hermia will become your wife. (leaving)
Demetrius: Oh, I’d rather die than live without Hermia. (wants to hang himself) Ouch, it hurts. (he wants to slash his wrist with a sword) It is disgusting. (he decides to jump into the abyss from the platform, he counts, he falls down to the ground ) This was too low.
Lysander and Hermia: (entering)
Demetrius: (hiding behind the platform)
Lysander: I love you, Hermia.
Hermia: Oh, darling, my father wants me to marry Demetrius.
Lysander: Demetrius as your husband? It’s impossible.
Hermia: What shall we do?
Lysander: I’ll carry you away. (he takes her into her arms, but she is too heavy) I won’t carry you. We will run away together.
Hermia: Where?
Lysander: Into the woods.
Hermia: When?
Lysander: Today at midnight.
Hermia: Excellent. I will be ready. (saying good-bye and leaving)
Demetrius: Bad Hermia! You’ll see! I will be in the woods too and take you away.
Second Scene
Bottom: To be or not to be, that is a question. No, no, no...
To be or not to be, that is a question. No, no…
To be or not to be, that... Something is missing. A skull. I don’t have a skull.
Flute: Oh, Romeo, why are you Romeo? Oh, Romeo, Romeo… Where the hell is my text?
Quince: (pulls out a sandglass, calling) Bottom, Flute, where are you?
Both: Here.
Quince: Well, friends, I will check your attendance. Bottom Nick!
Bottom: Here.
Quince: Flute Alex!
Flute: Here, here.
Quince: Quince Petra... here. Well, we have come here to work on a new performance – Pyramus and Thisby. We will give out the roles. Bottom, you will be Pyramus. Pyramus is strong, passionate and handsome. You, Flute, will be Thisby.
Flute: No, no, Thisby! I have no breasts.
Bottom: I can do it.
Quince: Oho, and how can you do it?
Bottom: (playing both the roles) I love you, Thisby. I love you too, Pyramus. You are so pretty and young. Oh, oh, oh.
Quince: Oh no. I will be the lion. (roaring)
Bottom: Me, me. I can be the lion! (roaring)
Quince: (roaring more loudly)
Bottom: OK, you are the lion.
Quince: Well, today at midnight in the woods. The rehearsal is secret. Understand? Our performance will be a surprise for everybody. See you.
Third Scene
(Puck wakes up the butterflies and plays with them)
Titania: (teaching her son how to dance)
Oberon: (entering) Is it you, Titania? Again?
Titania: Yes, it’s me, Oberon.
Oberon: What are you doing here?
Titania: That’s none of your business.
Oberon: I should know, I am you husband after all.
Titania: Well, my dear husband, I am teaching our son the dances of fairies.
Oberon: The dances of fairies? Are you crazy? I will teach him hunting.
Titania: Oho, hunting girls and women, right?
Oberon: Me?
Titania: Just remember Aphrodite, Artemis, Persephone, Hera, Athena, and hundreds of other women.
Oberon: And what about you? Zeus, Hercules, Apollo, Poseidon, Hefaistos, Ares, and hundreds of other men.
Titania: You are jealous, aren’t you?
Oberon: No. Not at all. But you aren’t going to spoil this child.
Titania: Pardon!
Oberon: I want that child.
Titania: Never!
Oberon: I want him. Now!
Titania: No, back off! (a fight between them, Titania wins and flees with the child)
Oberon: Puck! Come here! Appear here!
Puck: (running in, patting his on Oberon’s other shoulder, Oberon turns but the wrong direction) Here.
Oberon: I have a job for you, Puck. I need a flower of love. I want it.
Puck: Nema problema. That’s not a problem. (miming a flower)
Oberon: No, no, no. I want the magic flower of love. When you smell it you fall in love with the first creature you can see. I want such a flower.
(in the woods, a spider is spinning a web, fireflies are flying, flowers are growing, the magic flower is in bloom, Puck picks it)
Puck: (coming back toOberon) The King of elves, here you are. This is the magic flower of love.
Oberon: Thanks a lot, Puck. And now, get lost.
Puck: As you wish, my lord!
Oberon: (hiding) I’ll wait till Titania comes to me. Then I’ll make her smell this flower of love.
(Demetrius and Helena running in)
Helena: My darling!
Demetrius: Leave me alone.
Helena: Why are you driving me away? I love you.
Demetrius: I do not love you. Do you understand?
Helena: No. Oh my God, how I love you.
Demetrius: Helena, be reasonable. I love Hermia.
Helena: What makes her better than me? I’m so young and pretty. Why do you love Hermia and not me?
Demetrius: I don’t know. Only my heart does.
Helena: Come on, Demetrius. I can make a good wife.
Demetrius: Hermia will become my wife. Understand?
Helena: Never! I, I, I love you. Take mercy on me. Please. (Demetrius running away, Helena is crying)
Oberon: Go after him. Everything will turn around. He will be begging and you will be running from him.
Helena: (leaving in despair)
(a spider makes a web for Titania)
Titania: (coming in with fairies, dancing, and then she is swinging in the web)
Oberon: Titania, my love, I’ve brought a flower for you.
Titania: A flower? Go to hell and get lost.
Oberon: As you wish, my lady. (cuts her web)
Titania: (fall onto the ground) You are such a monster, Oberon. Why are you nosing around me? Leave me alone, understand?
Oberon: I see, the queen is angry. More and more, my darling, more and more emotions. Teasing means loving, don’t you know it?
Titania: Oh my God, I just hate him. How I hate him!
Lysander and Hermia: (entering)
Hermia: Good night, my darling. (kisses him and lies down far from him)
Lysander: (comes to her, lies down next to her)
Hermia: (immediately runs away from him) I said, ‘Good night, my darling.’ Don’t you understand?
Lysander: Of course, I do. I will guard your dreams.
Hermia: Stop, don’t move. I said, ‘Good night, my darling.’
Lysander: (lies down on the ground) Alright. Well, nothing’s gonna happen tonight.
Puck: Oho, what’s going on here? Who is taking a nap here? Oh, Lysander! And his beautiful Hermia is sleeping far away from him? Have they had an argument? Perhaps. Well, I’ll show you, you bumpkin. If your heart is not able to love, I’ll help you through this magic flower. (takes the flower from Titania’s lap) Now, let’s see what you can do, dear flower. We’ll see what’s going to happen. I hope you will follow Hermia like a little doggy. (makes Lysander smell the flower)
Titania: (coming to have a swim, jumping into the water, leaving her dress on the bank)
Oberon: (sneaking up, taking her dress)
Titania: Where’s my dress? Puck, Puck, where are you?
Puck: Did you call me, my lady?
Titania: Someone has stolen my dress. Oberon! It must have been Oberon. That monkey, that scoundrel. That husband of mine. Unfortunately! Puck, will you bring me something to put on, please? Immediately, understand?
Puck: I’m running, my queen.
Titania: You will see, Oberon. When I get out of the water... I am going to kill you!
Puck: Here is the dress. I’ll help you, my lady.
Titania: Thanks a lot, Puck. (getting out of the water)
Oberon: (appears and by magic takes the dress off Titania)
Titania: No, no, no. You, you, will pay for it, Oberon! I am going to kill you!
Oberon: How sweet my wife Titania is, isn’t she?
Titania: I hate you.
Oberon: And she loves me.
Titania: (grabbing his stick throws it at him) Get out of my life. (leaving)
Oberon: Ouch, it hurts.
Helena: (entering) Stop, honey!
Demetrius: Leave me alone.
Helena: What shall I do in the woods alone?
Demetrius: Do whatever you want, but without me.
Helena: Demetrius, wait. I can’t stand it any more.
Demetrius: Well, at last. (runs away)
Helena: Why doesn’t he love me? Am I that ugly? Yeah. I am ugly, awful and fat. (slaps herself) Shut up! I am young, pretty and happy. (starts crying)
Lysander: (wakes up) Who is crying here? (notices her, in an affectionate way) Why are you crying, Helena?
Helena: Because I am ugly, awful and fat. Nobody loves me.
Lysander: But I love you. You are pretty and young.
Helena: (cries even more) You are just making fun of me. Demetrius doesn’t want me and you are making fun of me.
Lysander: But I do love you. Really.
Helena: Shut up, you liar. You love Hermia, Demetrius loves Hermia, everybody loves Hermia, (looking at the audience) even you love Hermia, why don’t you admit it. And I feel so lonely. (runs away)
Lysander: Wait for me, Helena. (runs after her)
(the fireflies’ dancing, Titania falls asleep)
Oberon: When you wake up from your dream, fall in love with the first you’ve seen.
Hermia: Lysander? Where are you? Say something, my love. I am scared to be alone in the woods. Where are you? Lysander, darling? (exits)
Quince, Bottom, Flute: (entering)
Quince: (looking at the sandglass) It’s almost midnight. Is everybody here, my friends? Bottom Nick.
Bottom: Here.
Quince: Flute Alex.
Flute: Here.
Quince: Quince Petra, here. Well, friends, let’s start. Thisby lies dead. This way, excellent. Pyramus, onto the stage, please.
Bottom: (has a sword) Thisby is dead. I can’t live without my love any more. Good-bye, world, good-bye, stars and the sun. (kills himself, falls onto the ground)
Quince: No, no, no, stop! Can you imagine noble ladies in the audience? They will cry, ‘Muuuuurdeeeer!’ and faint. No, this is not possible. No murder here.
Bottom: Uh-huh, I see. I can make it. (plays the scene in the same way, then get up from the floor with the sword) Everything is alright, ladies. The sword is not real. Look at this… (stabs himself) Nothing happened. No blood, nothing. It’s only as if. I am not dead either. Actually, I am not Pyramus at all. I am Nick Bottom, your tailor.
Quince: (rushes in as if he was a lion, roars)
Bottom: Just a moment, please. The ladies here will be scared of such a lion. (changes the lion into a playful kitten) The lion should be like this. Anyway, you Flute, are playing Thisby in a totally stupid way. I’m saying, ‘Thisby is dead,’ – and you are lying here as if you were alive. Stand up. I will show you how to play Thisby. (lies down) I am dead, oh, I am totally dead. Well, friends, you must admit that the best Pyramus here is… Me. And who is the best Thisby? Me. And the best lion? Of course, me. Who is the best actor? Me. (singing) Me, me, me, only me...
Puck: Who is the biggest ass here?
Bottom: Me, me, me, only me.
Puck: Yes, quite correct. (stops time with the help of the sandglass) Stop! Who is the biggest ass here? You, you, you, only you. (the sandglass) Start!
Flute: Bottom, what have you got on your head?
Quince: An ass, help, an ass! (both run away)
Bottom: Hah, hah, hah. Very funny. (singing) Me, me, me, only me...
Titania: (waking up) Sing, oh, mortal being. You are singing so beautifully. Sing again, oh, sing again.
Bottom: Me, me , me, only me...
Titania: You, you, you, only you.
(Puck is making colourful flowers by magic; Titania is decorating Bottom with them taking him away from the stage)
Puck: (chasing Flute and Quince)
Hermia: (lost in the woods) Lysander, honey, where are you?
Demetrius: Here, Hermia.
Hermia: Where are you? Say something.
Demetrius: Heeeeere.
Hermia: You are here?
Demetrius: Yep.
Hermia: I got you. Is that you, Demetrius?
Demetrius: Yes, my love.
Hermia: I am not your love.
Demetrius: Yes, you are. (passes her a children’s game ‘heaven, hell and paradise’)
Hermia: I do love you, I don’t love you... You see, I do not love you.
Demetrius: No, no, you do it a wrong way. You don’t love me, you do love me... You see, you love me.
Hermia: No. I love Lysander. That’s enough! (leaves)
Demetrius: (is sad)
Puck: Hey, boy, don’t be sad. We can play ‘hide and seek’ together. I am heeere, I am heeere, and heeere. (turning Demetrius around till he falls down to the ground and then making him smell the magic flower; drawing in Helena and Lysander)
Lysander: I love you, Helena. You are as beautiful as the sun.
Demetrius: (wakes up) Helena, you are the only woman of my life. You are like a rose.
Lysander: You are a pearl in the sea. I can’t live without you.
Demetrius: Hah, hah, hah. A pearl. You are a star shining in the sky.
Hermia: Are you crazy or what!
Both: I really mean it.
Demetrius: (to Lysander) What about you? Get out of here… you have your Hermia.
Lysander: I don’t want to have Hermia. Mine is Helena.
Demetrius: No, Helena is mine!
Lysander: Mine.
Demetrius: Mine!
Lysander: (throwing down the gauntlet to him) Let’s fight a duel.
Demetrius: I will make a hamburger out of you, with a lot of ketchup.
Lysander: Come on, you lettuce.
Demetrius: I will cut you like kebab.
Lysander: You are such a tortilla.
Hermia: Can you see what you have done?
Helena: Me? This is not my fault. Both of them are making fun of me.
Hermia: Hah, hah, hah, this is not funny at all.
Helena: And you side with them.
Hermia: Me? You liar! You... You have stolen my Lysander!
Helena: I don’t love Lysander. I love Demetrius.
Hermia: No lies, alright? I have finished with you.
Helena: Me too, you hellcat.
Hermia: What? You are such a rat.
Helena: A rat? You are a swine!
Hermia: You, you, you… MONSTER.
(Titania andBottom are affectionately walking around the stage)
Titania: Please, speak, talk, say something. I wanna hear your sweet voice.
Bottom: Alright, if you want to. I am not only the best actor in the world, but also the best tailor in the world. If you could see how lovely a dress I can make. A real dress, not the style you have on. But a dress for a real queen.
Titania: You are absolutely fantastic. Will you make a dress for me from a spider’s web and decorate it with raindrops?
Bottom: Oh no, my lady. I will make a dress from textile.
Titania: Do as you wish, my angel. (leaving)
Oberon: You’ve messed up everything, Puck. What a mess, such chaos. Are you crazy? I order you now: You must make everything correct. Immediately! Look at Hermia. Look how lonely she feels, how worried about Lysander she is. Look at Helena; she thinks everybody makes fun of her. And the two guys? Lysander and Demetrius are like two roosters in a small yard. They will kill each other because of love.