God’s Design for Marriage #4

The Mission of Marriage

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Ephesians 5:25-28

We have spent a lot of time talking about what marriage is. Now it’s time to ask what it’s for. What is the purpose of marriage? The Bible’s answer to this question starts with the principle that marriage is a friendship. We will discover that it goes far beyond that. There is another profound mystery here too.

In Genesis 1 and 2 as God created the world, we here again and again that “it was good.” It’s there seven times in the first chapter. What a shock when we come to Genesis 2:18, when God himself says, “It is not good that man should be alone.” How could Adam be in a not good condition when he was in a perfect world and he had a perfect relationship with God?

To find the answer, we need to consider the nature of man and what template God used as a pattern. In Genesis 1:26 God says, “Let us make man in our own image.” Who is the us and who is God talking to? This is the first illusion to the plural singleness (or is it the single plural-ness?) of God, who is sometimes named Elohim in Scripture (according to Hebrew grammar, a plural word form like children). Scripture reveals that our God is Triune in nature, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They perfectly know one another and perfectly love one another. This one God eternally exists as three persons.

If we follow this through and consider that Adam was created in the image of God to be a reflection of the image of God, and that he had perfect fellowship with God, there is still something missing. Man’s capacity for relationship is not fulfilled completely by our vertical relationship with God. God designed us for horizontal relationship with other human beings, and especially for the closest of relationships with our spouse. That’s why, even in paradise, loneliness was a terrible thing. Without a help-meet, without a partner, Adam in his relationship with God was not a reflection of the Trinity. It is only when God creates an ‘ezer, a –helper companion, that creation is finished and the three-way relationship between Adam and Eve and God can truly reflect the image of God.

St. Paul’s statement that “this is a profound mystery” is getting more and more profound as we go along. All the money and comforts and pleasures in the world and all of our efforts to re-create a paradise for ourselves without God, are unable to fulfill us. Our hunger for relationship requires both the vertical and the horizontal. A marriage without God will be “flat.” An unmarried life, is possible. It brings some extra blessings, but it also brings some extra challenges. St. Paul talks about the blessing of being single so that he can devote his life more fully to the Lord and the mission of the kingdom, yet he recognizes that life is harder without a helper-companion who is a reflection of Christ to us for our growth in the faith.

What does that mean for our life under grace?

Martin Luther has a delightful way of putting it in the Smalcald Articles, “God is superabundantly generous in His grace.” The German word here for “superabundantly” is “überschwenglich” and means “effusive” and can mean “gushing.” A paraphrase might be, “God gushes grace!” The Latin translation of the Smalcald Articles says that God is “rich” (dives) and “liberal” (liberalis) in His grace and goodness” (dives et liberalis est gratia and bonitate sua.)(ed.: calls to mind “The Prodigal God.” Who is the one who is the most recklessly extravagant in the Parable of the Prodigal Son?)
How so? Luther lists four ways in which God delivers grace to our hearts: First, through the spoken word (Ger: mündliche Wort; Lat: verbum vocale), “through which the forgiveness of sins is preached in the whole world.” Second, through Baptism. Third, through the holy Sacrament of the Altar. Fourth, through the Power of the Keys. Luther here presents the specific means of grace, which are often referred to as the Word and Sacraments. The “particular office” of the Gospel (Ger: eigentliche Amt des Evngelii) is the proclamation of the forgiveness of sins, and the Sacramental means of that proclamation are located, by Luther, in Baptism, Lord’s Supper and the Power of the Keys, which Luther explains most specifically in Article VIII: Confession.
But Luther does not end his “laundry list” of the ways in which God is so lavish and generous with His grace. He explains that (fifth)there is also a communication of God’s grace through the “mutual conversation and consolation of brethren” which Luther, in his German text, here uses Latin words to explain: “per mutuum colloquium et consolationem fratrum” and then cites Matthew 18:20, “where two or three are gathered, etc.”

What does that mean for our discussion? All of us need the mutual conversation and consolation of the brethren, even as Adam needed Eve as his helper companion. Within a Christian marriage husbands and wives serve one another as they speak Law and Gospel to one another and reflect the grace and forgiveness of God to each other. Answer this question … When you have messed up in life, whose words of forgiveness and comfort mean the most to you? Do you start to see why Adam was so excited when he saw Eve? This at last is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh! In Song of Solomon 5:16, the wife says “This is my lover, this is my friend.”

What is characteristic of this level of “friend”? Friends love at all times and especially during adversity (Proverbs 17:17). The counterfeit is a fair-weather friend who comes over when you are successful but disappears when prosperity wanes (Proverbs 14:20, 19:4,6,7). A true friend stick closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).

An essential characteristic of friendship is transparency and candour. Real friends encourage and affectionately affirm one another (Proverbs 27:9), and they also offer bracing critiques: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:5-6). Like a surgeon, friends cut you in order to heal you. Friends grow in wisdom together “As iron sharpens iron, so friend sharpens friend” (Proverbs 27:17).

There are two features of real friendship – constancy and transparency. To that mix, we need to add a third thing, “sympathy.” Friendship arises between two people who have a longing for the same things. Friendship is never just about itself, it is about something that both friends are committed to and passionate about besides one another. Friendship must be about something, a common set of goals. “Those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travellers.”

For Christian friends there is an underlying commonality which they share. They have experienced the grace of God in Christ. They have had an identity change from sinner to child of God. Who we are in Christ is more foundational than anything else. We also long for the same future, we are journeying toward the same horizon. We want to grow in sanctification; there is a good work that God has begun in us and which he will bring to completion in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. We long for the day when we will be freed from flaws, imperfections and weaknesses (Romans 8:18, 20, 23).

Any two Christians with nothing else but a common faith in Christ, can have a robust friendship, helping each other on their journey of growth in sanctification, doing ministry together in the world, and bringing each other home to heaven. This happens through spiritual transparency. Christian friends admit wrongs, offer or ask forgiveness, and take steps to reconcile when one disappoints another.

The other way is spiritual constancy. Christian friends bear each other’s burdens. They are there for each other through thick and thin (1 Thessalonians 5:11, 14-15). They share their goods and their very lives with each other. They encourage each other, honour each other and affirm each other. They point out each other’s gifts and strengths. They build each other up through study and common worship (Colossians 3:16; Ephesians 5:19).

Christian friendship is the deep oneness that develops as two people journey together toward the same destination, helping one another through the dangers and challenges along the way. They rescue each other, exhort, push, and win through because their common mission turns them into friends and their differences become their strengths.

Friendship is a deep oneness that develops as two people, speaking the truth in love to each other, journey together to the same horizon. Spiritual friendship is the greatest journey of all, because the horizon is so high and far, yet sure – it is nothing less than the ”day of Jesus Christ” and what we will be like when we finally see him face to face.

Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.

1 John 3:2-3

When God brought Eve to Adam, he brought him not just a lover, but the friend that his heart has been seeking. Proverbs 2:17 speaks of one’s spouse as your ‘allup, a special confidant and friend. Marriage is companionship. The primary goal of marriage is not social status or stability. The primary goal is not romantic happiness. St. Paul points husbands to Jesus’ sacrificial love toward us, his “bride.” And the goal of that sacrificial love (Ephesians 5:26) is to sanctify her and to present her to himself in radiant beauty and splendour. , to bring her to be perfectly holy and blameless. Jesus want to remove all the spiritual stains, flaws, sins, and blemishes, to make us holy, glorious and blameless … more and more into the likeness of Christ (Philippians 1:6).

All this speaks of a process, begun the day we first believed. It’s called sanctification and it is not finished before the end of time. We cannot achieve perfection here and now. But we should not lose hope. He will bring the work to completion. Slowly, but surely, by the power of the Spirit, we will put on the new self, created to be like God (Ephesians 4:24). We are being transformed into Christ’s likeness from one degree of splendour to the next (2 Corinthians 3:18). Even the sufferings we experience can make us wiser, deeper, stronger, better (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

So, what is marriage for? It is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us. Putting Christian friendship at the heart of a marriage relationship can lift it to a level that no other vision for marriage can approach.

In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, “I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses and dependencies. But underneath them all I see something growing … I see the person God wants you to be.” Marriage is not a search for compatibility. It is not a search for the perfect mate. When you look at your spouse, or your future spouse, what do you see? Do you get excited about the person that your spouse has already grown into and will become? Do you have a vision for what marriage and spiritual friendship can accomplish? Do you get flashes of glory that encourage you to want to help your spouse become the person that God wants him or her to be?

When you stand before the minister all decked out in your wedding finery, do you realize that one day you will stand before God, dressed in the righteousness of Christ, without spot or any blemish. What would God say?

“Well done good and faithful servants. Over the years you have lifted one another up to me. You have sacrificed for one another. You held one another up with prayer and thanksgiving. You confronted each other and rebuked each other. You hugged and you loved each other and continually pushed each other toward me. You have brought each other home.”

Romance, sex, laughter, and plain fun are the by-products of this process of sanctification. They are important, but they can’t keep the marriage going through years and years of ordinary life. What keeps the marriage going is your commitment to your spouse’s spiritual growth, spiritual beauty, honesty and zeal for the things of God. That’s what you’ve signed on for. Anything less and you are just playing at being married.

On the cross, Jesus did not look down on us with a heart full of admiration and affection. He felt no “chemistry.” But he gave himself. He put our needs ahead of his own; he sacrificed for us. Jesus died not because we were lovely, but to make us lovely. As a husband, my goal in life is to help my wife love Jesus more than me. That’s not a contradiction, but it is a mystery. Her goal for me is similar. Only if I love Jesus more than my wife will I be able to serve her needs ahead of my own. Only if my emotional tank is filled with love from God will I be able to be patient, faithful, tender and open with my wife when things are not going well in life or in the relationship. And the more joy I get from my relationship with Christ, the more I can share that joy with my wife and family.

If you see your spouse as mainly a sexual partner or a financial partner, or even as a child-rearing partner, you will find that you will need pursuits outside of marriage to really engage your whole soul. Your marriage will slowly die if your spouse senses that he or she is not the first priority in your life. If he or she is your best friend, then your marriage will be your most important and fulfilling relationship.

In Ephesians 5, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24 … when a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, that relationship must supersede all other relationships, even the parental relationship. Your spouse and your relationship must be your number one priority in your life. Your marriage must be more important to you than anything else. No other human being should get more of your love, energy, industry and commitment than your spouse. God asks that a man leave his father and mother, as powerful as that relationship may have been, and forge a new union that must be an even more important and powerful force in his life.

It is especially important to remember this when otherwise good things threaten your marriage. Think about some of the things you may have heard (or said, or thought):

  • His parents’ opinions are more important to him than mine. Pleasing them is more important to him than pleasing me.
  • She’s totally wrapped up in the kids, in their needs, programs, school and social life. Being a mother is more enjoyable to her than being a wife.
  • His career is really what’s important. He’s married to his job. It gets all the creativity and time and energy.

Many people have marriage problems because they haven’t left home to cleave to their spouse. Over-commitment to parents is one of the problems we can face. Over-commitment to children is even more of a problem. Your children need you. They are part of your new family, but if you love your children more than your spouse, the entire family will be pulled out of joint and everyone will suffer. If you do not give your spouse the highest priority, the sad reality is that your children will suffer in the midst of a dysfunctional family. You cannot expect your children to give you the friendship and love that your spouse can.

In practical terms, how do we keep all this straight? You’ve heard the expression that “good fences make good neighbours.” It’s true because of two realities; fences set limits, and fences have gates to permit entry. Our family life needs to have limits and gates. Our children need to know that they have access to us as parents, but they also need to honour us as parents and respect some boundaries. Our parents may be getting on in years and may need to call on us more than they used to, but even then, boundaries are necessary. When Jesus’ mother and brothers showed up one day and tried to interrupt what he was doing, he gently, but firmly did not let them (Mark 3:31-32).

St. Paul tells us that you cannot understand marriage without looking at the Gospel. Our redemption in Christ means that we have a new start. The old things have passed away and the new has come. In Colossians 1:15, we learn that through faith we have entered into a new marriage-like relationship with Jesus. Put me first, he says. Have no other pseudo-gods before me.