THE COUNSELING NEWSLETTER
Published Every Now and Then
Winter 2000
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FINANCIAL MATTERS AND MARITAL CONFLICT: PART ONE
Figure it out. Work a lifetime to pay off a house. You finally own it, and there's nobody to live in it. Once in my life I would like to own something outright before it's broken! I'm always in a race with the junkyard. I just finished paying for the car and it's on its last legs. The refrigerator consumes belts like a maniac. They time those things. They time them so when you’ve finally paid for them, they're used up.
Willy Loman, Death of a Salesman (Arthur Miller, 1949).
Annual income twenty pounds. Annual expenditures, nineteen six. Result happiness.
Annual income twenty pounds. Annual expenditures, twenty pounds ought and six. Result misery.
Charles Dickens
Any government, like any family, can for a year spend a little more than it earns. But you and I know that a continuance of that habit means the poorhouse.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1932)
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I rarely see a family with financial problems where there is not real tension within the marriage. The 1990's have become the decade of the credit card with consumer credit available like never before. In my mailbox I regularly find solicitations from credit card companies inviting me to enjoy the benefits of low APRs and extended credit limits. Yet, easily accessible credit can be a source of much trouble. For instance, personal bankruptcy filings have doubled. In a similar manner, since 1990, caseloads for consumer credit counselors have increased by 600%. In many parts of the country, an average of 40-50% of family income is devoted to debt repayment leaving little financial margin.
Findings also indicate that money management problems and financial matters are consistently ranked within the top three domains of conflict.
Psychological research has also suggested that financial pressure is often a key factor in marital conflict. Findings suggest that the themes of conflict between couples have remained consistent over the past quarter century. These major sources of conflict have included money management, discipline of children, in-laws, personalities and habits, and time spent together as a couple. Findings also indicate that money management problems and financial matters are consistently ranked within the top three domains of conflict.
Further, financial pressures have also been found to contribute to physical illness and a lack of well-being. For example, a former client, Joe (a pseudonym) initially came to my attention with complaints of panic attacks and anxiety. He had previously consulted his physician secondary to chest pains and worries about possible cardiac problems. Following exhaustive testing and lab work, the physician was unable to identify any physical or medical causes for the transient pains in his chest and abdomen. Joe was then referred to my office. He reported that within the past 12-18 months he had been experiencing the following unexplained symptoms: sweating, cold hands, tightening of muscles, difficulty breathing, and feeling overwhelmed. Joe's general health had also declined. He suffered from tension headaches, high blood pressure, sleep disturbance, and intermittent sexual dysfunction. As Joe and I began working together, it became clear that these symptoms were due to anxiety fueled by financial pressures and worries. Through a series of ill-advised financial decisions (purchasing a larger home, increased consumer debt) and personal illness (doctor bills, time away from work), Joe and his family had become financially insolvent. This pressure led to increasing conflict between Joe and his wife.
People evaluate their possessions not in terms of what they need to live in comfort, but in comparison with those who have the most. Because of this, we conclude that more must be better.
Money as an Outside Indicator
How we think about money and how we use (save or spend) money says a lot about us. Similarly, the way in which couples handle their money is an indicator of how they think about their lives and their relationship.
How we regard and consider our money also speaks to our beliefs about spiritual matters and the purpose of life. Along these lines, Christ draws interesting parallels between the way we handle our money and the way we approach spiritual matters. For instance, 16 of the 38 parables are concerned with the handling of money and possessions. Christ said more about money than about almost any other subject. The Bible offers 500 verses on prayer, fewer than 500 on faith, but more than 2,350 verses on money and possessions. Christ said a lot about money because He wanted us to know His perspective on this critical area of life. He dealt with the issue of money because the way in which we handle money matters.
As individuals and married couples, how we handle our finances reveals much about what is really going on in our hearts.
From a spiritual perspective, money is never an end in itself. It is merely a resource used to accomplish goals and meet obligations. As individuals and married couples, how we handle our
finances reveals much about what is really going on in our hearts. Even if not obvious to an outside observer, our check registers and credit card statements may point to self-sacrifice, self-centeredness, self-indulgence, or often, confusion about our goals, values, and purposes.
Contentment
Why is it so difficult to be satisfied with what we have? Why is it so unusual to find a contented person? Why is it that many couples and families never have enough money---there is never quite enough to make ends meet? We spend beyond what we earn as we pursue happiness through buying. It seems that the character quality of contentment is nearly anti-American and clearly countercultural.
As Solomon, the Old Testament king and sage wrote, "Whoever loves money never had enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income" (Ecclesiates 5:3). In a similar manner, the wisdom of the Talmud rings true with this thought, "Who is rich? He who is contented with his lot."
A recent research article in the American Psychologist (Oct 1999) speaks to the issue of contentment. "If people strive for a certain level of affluence thinking that it will make them happy, they find that on reaching it, they become very quickly habituated, and at that point they start hankering for the next level of income, property, or good health. Several studies confirmed that goals keep getting pushed upward as soon as the lower level is reached. It is not the objective size of the reward, but its difference from one's adaptation level that provides subjective value. People evaluate their possessions not in terms of what they need to live in comfort, but in comparison with those who have the most. Because of this, we conclude that more must be better. But life is rarely linear; in most cases, what is good in small quantities becomes commonplace and then harmful in larger doses."
Marital conflict and financial problems are fueled, in great measure, by a lack of contentment and gratitude. Gratitude, an attitude of thankfulness toward God for His gracious provision, leads to a quiet sense of satisfaction, peacefulness, and rest. Contented individuals and couples share an important characteristic---they focus on the simple and common activities of life---and they bring a thankful attitude and perspective to these ordinary events. Contented couples do not remind themselves of what they do not have; rather, they actively enter into the good that is around them. (For further thoughts on the topic of contentment see or request the Counseling Newsletter, Summer 1998).
Possessions begin to take on a life of their own. It is ironic that we purchase items so that we might become more free and happy---yet, these things often enslave us through debt or their ongoing upkeep.
Money, Possessions, and Marriage
Although much marital conflict revolves around the issue of money---how it should be earned, spent and saved---conflict over money essentially involves the issues of power, influence, and trust. On the positive side, couples who are able to successfully work together with money are usually also able to trust one another---sharing power and influence. They walk along a path of shared financial goals. They develop a working plan for saving and spending (a budget). Most importantly, these couples approach finances in a collaborative and respectful manner. When money is at issue, they use their discussions as an opportunity to come together and develop a cooperative and unified approach.
Putting Ourselves in a Pressure Cooker
Trouble begins when couples, through ill-conceived decisions and choices, put themselves in a financial pressure cooker. Factors that can turn up the heat include the high cost of housing, the expense of rearing children, and the general high cost of living. Yet, we can also worsen our own situation by spending based upon what we want rather than what we need. As parents, we may develop the habit of buying for our children what they want rather than what they truly need. Such a habit---toward our children and ourselves---can easily lead to increasing financial pressure. Essentially, many couples spend themselves into a corner. Because of past spending decisions and the assumption of debt, couples become stressed as they try to carry and service the increased debt.
For example, the average San Francisco Bay Area household carries a $6,500 monthly balance on household credit. The national monthly average is $1,400. Such financial pressure results in marital stress and strain. Couples who have taken on such debt often report increased levels of irritability and tension within the home. This strain also leads to worry, anger, anxiety, and depression.
But, these effects are not the only untoward consequences of excessive debt and consumer buying. The acquisition of possessions is a mixed blessing. We purchase many items because we believe that they will make our lives easier, more manageable, or more pleasurable. But, most possessions require attention, maintenance, and upkeep. Things begin to take on a life of their own. It is ironic that we purchase items so that we might become more free and happy---yet, these things often enslave us through debt or their ongoing upkeep.
Borrowing and Debt
Much of the financial pressure experienced by couples and families is directly attributable to debt and ill-advised use of credit. Lenders and advertisers use sophisticated marketing techniques to mask the harsh reality of debt. Roget's College Thesaurus offers the following list of synonyms for debt: liable, minus, owning, in hock, up against it, encumbered, insolvent, in the hold, and broke. Although all debt is not necessarily bad, it is true that there is danger with all types of debt. Essentially, when we assume debt, we are promising to repay an obligation at a predetermined future date. In essence, debt always presumes upon the future. Therefore, whenever you borrow money, for any reason, there must be a guaranteed way to repay it. In order to reduce financial conflict between married couples, I strongly urge them to move toward
a debt-free lifestyle---with the possible exception of their mortgage payment. This means working toward eliminating credit card debt, equity loans, and car loans. To maintain a debt-free lifestyle is not easy, but it is possible. And the benefits, financially, relationally, and spiritually, are tremendous. Yet, it is nearly impossible to become or remain debt-free without a realistic plan for earning and spending your money. Such a plan is often referred to as a budget.
The Virtues of a Budget
It is unfortunate that the notion of a budget has gotten such a bad rap. Throughout our lives we deal with rules and barriers that are intended to restrain us and protect us from harm. Such barriers include traffic laws, highway guard rails, rules of conversation, and even social manners. A budget is also a mechanism of self-restraint that is intended to allow us financial freedom within predetermined boundaries. Financial pressures predictably lead to marital conflict and physical distress. One solution to this problem is to develop a simple, yet useable, earning and spending plan---a budget. Yet, many couples resist developing and sticking with a budget---believing that it is too confining and impractical.
However, a workable budget does not restrict one's freedom---it merely tells you when you have spent what you agreed you could spend. A budget is a yearly financial plan divided by 12. Regardless of income, most of us have difficulty making ends meet unless there is a plan for spending and saving for future needs. It seems that expenses always tend to rise just a little higher than income. To counteract this drift, developing a budget means sitting down and talking about your current situation, where you need to go, and constructively evaluating how you might get there.
A successful budget requires teamwork. A workable budget provides couples with a shared financial agreement/plan that serves as a map or guide for month-to-month spending. And the discipline of devising and following a budget can help you and your spouse establish clear priorities.
A basic requirement of all household budgets is that outgo must not exceed income. As a couple, you must agree to not spend more than you earn.
It is true that following a budget is not always fun, but it is the only way to apply the wisdom of experience. A basic requirement of all household budgets is that outgo must not exceed income. As a couple, you must agree to not spend more than you earn. Financial pressure is sure to follow when one's income falls below or barely matches what is spent. A budget is a great tool for monitoring what you earn and spend. A budget also provides you with a mechanism to establish a little "margin" in your monthly income stream by selectively reducing expenditures or increasing income. A budget can help you establish a "cushion" or financial margin so you don't spend all of your available monthly income. Monthly and yearly budgets allow couples to anticipate short-term saving needs (summer vacation, vehicle repairs, auto insurance) and longer-term expenditures (saving for a new car, new addition to the house, and retirement).