JOKES FOR KIDS
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Science Teacher: Who can tell me what an atom is?
Student: The guy who went out with Eve!
Who is your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
Why did the Cyclops stop teaching?
Because he only had one pupil!
Why was the students report card all wet?
Because it was below C level!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
What is the only class you can plant a flower in?
In Kindergarden!
What flies around the school at night?
The alpha-bat!
What is a teacher's three favorite words?
June, July & August!
What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?
A teapot!
What room can a student never enter?
A Mushroom!
What letter is found in a cup?
T!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!
Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
Because he swept her off her feet!
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
Because they're all in High School!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a steam train?
The first goes “Spit out that chewing gum immediately!” and the second goes “chew chew”!
Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn’t do.
What was that?
My homework!
What has 3 feet and no legs?
A yardstick!
What is white when its dirty and black when its clean?
A blackboard!
Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
Because she wanted to test the waters!
Why is your homework in your father’s handwriting?
I used his pen!
Name two days of the week that start with "t"?
Today and Tomorrow!
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet?
But these are the only feet I’ve got!
What school supply is always tired?
A knapsack!
James, where is your homework?
I ate it. Why?
You said it was a piece of cake!
Why does the letter A look like a flower?
Because a “B” always comes after it!
Could you please pay a little attention?
I'm paying as little attention as I can!
Spell enemy in three letters.
Foe!
I see you missed the first day of school.
Yes, but I didn't miss it much.
Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie talkie!
What is the strongest animal?
A snail. He carries his house on his back!
What has six eyes but cannot see?
Three blind mice!
Why is a hen sitting on a fence like a cent?
It has it's head on one side and it's tail on the other!
What does a kitten become after it's three days old?
Four days old!
What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
Anything you like, it can't hear you!
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!
How do you get an elephant down from a tree?
Put him on a leaf and wait until autumn!
What do you call a fly without wings?
A Walk!
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!
What do you call a gorilla wearing ear-muffs?
Anything you like! He can’t hear you!
What do you give an elephant that’s going to be sick?
Plenty of space!
Which bird lifts the heaviest weights?
A crane!
What day do fish hate?
Fry-day!
What do call a bear with no ears?
B!
Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
To the MOOO-vies!
Why are igloos round?
So polar bears can’t hide in the corners!
What do you give an elephant with big feet?
Plenty of room!
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost!
What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
A Jellybutton!
What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!
How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
What do you call an elephant in a phone box?
Stuck!
How do you know that an Elephant has been in your refrigerator?
There are foot prints in the butter!
Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything!
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
What do you get if you cross a fish with an elephant?
Swimming trunks!
Why is a pig in the house like a fire?
The quicker you put it out the better!
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a pig?
A bird who hogs the conversation!
What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk or take the dog?
What is a pig after it is three days old?
Four days old!
Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because turtles have such little ears!
What’s small and cuddly and bright purple?
A koala holding his breath!
What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
It becomes a sour puss!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig!
What is a crocodile’s favorite game?
Snap!
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
He gets toad away!
I lost my dog.
Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?
Don't be silly! He can't read!
How does a hedgehog play leap-frog?
Very carefully!
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny!
What’s grey and squirts jam at you?
A mouse eating a doughnut!
Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches?
They can’t keep their trunks up!
Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam!
What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?
I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it!
What kind of snake is good at math?
An adder!
What’s the difference between an injured lion and a wet day?
One pours with rain, the other roars with pain!
What kind of animal goes OOM?
A cow walking backwards!
What animal has more lives than the cat?
A frog, he croaks every night!
What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a balloon?
POP!
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill!
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !
What did the egg say to the other egg?
Let's get cracking!
What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
Mooo-ve over!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
You bump your nose on the ceiling!
What would you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
What kind of animal do you not want to play cards with?
A cheetah!
What is a cat's favorite color?
Purrple
What kind of pet just lays around the house?
A car-pet!
Where would you find a cat with no legs?
Exactly where you left it!!!
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?
Flipper coin!
Why couldn't the chicken play baseball?
Because she kept hitting fowl balls!
Where do you find a one-legged dog?
Where you left it!
What do you sing while bathing you dog?
Working at the dog wash!
What do you call a great dog detective?
Sherlock Bones!
What is black and white and goes round and round?
A penguin in a revolving door!
What happens to frogs who are illegally parked?
They get "toad" away!
Why did the dalmation hate playing hide-n-go-seek?
He was always spotted!
What did the mouse tell the cow?
Mooove!
What does a cow read every morning?
A moo-spaper!
What kind of animal do you not want to play cards with?
A cheetah!
What is a cat's favorite color?
Purrple
What kind of pet just lays around the house?
A car-pet!
Where would you find a cat with no legs?
Exactly where you left it!
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they would break!
Why are penguins so popular on the Internet?
Because they have Web feet!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
What do you call a turtle that flies?
A shell-icopter!
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic pork!
Why can't penguins fly?
They can't afford plane tickets!
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?
Flipper coin!
Why couldn't the chicken play baseball?
Because she kept hitting fowl balls!
What did the girl say when she lost her puppy?
Doggone!
What do you call a dog that is on fire?
A hot dog!
Why did the dog eat fertilizer?
To grow up!
What pie can fly?
A magpie.
What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears!
How can you make seven even?
Remove the "S".
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
It ended in a tie!
What does a tree do when he is ready to go home?
He leaves!
What did one ear say to the other ear?
Between us we have brains!
How do you make a band stand?
Hide all their chairs!
Why did the chocolate chip cookie visit the doctor?
He was feeling crumby!
Why was the broom late?
It over-swept!
What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
I find you very attractive!
What's red and flies and wobbles at the same time ?
A jelly copter!
How does Batman’s mother call him in for dinner?
Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!
Why wasn’t Cinderella any good at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball!
How many ears does Davy Crockett have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!
Why didn't Superman know he could fly?
Because he didn't know his CapeAbilities!
What did the policeman say to his stomach?
You're under a VEST!
How many Dads does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he has to go to the store five times
to get the right kind!
How did the farmer fix his jeans?
With a cabbage patch!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do firemen put in their soup?
Fire crackers!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy.
What did the cowboy say when his dog left?
Doggone!
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!
What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
The dentist is taking me out today!
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
He wanted a clean getaway!
What time do you go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty!
hat did the dentist say to his computer?
You have a severe Megabyte!
Why did Jon go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date!
Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or his son?
His son...he was a little Bigger!.
Why is Santa Claus like a busy gardener?
Because all he does is HO HO HO!
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
Why is Bart Simpson's Dad afraid of Mark McGuire?
Because he hits a lot of Homers!
Why did the man run around his bed?
To catch up on his sleep!
How much does it cost for a pirate to get earrings?
A Buccaneer!
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln & Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays!
Three people were standing under an umbrella...which one got wet?
None of them, it wasn't raining!
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the frog have in common?
The same middle name!
What did Snow White say while she waited for her photos?
Someday my prints will come!
Why did Freddy throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a man who crosses a river twice & doesn't take a bath?
A dirty double crosser!
The turtle took two chocolates to Texas, to teach Thomas to tie hisshoes. How many "Ts" in that?
There are 2 "Ts" in "THAT!
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte!
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data!
Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?
A: It had a virus!
Q: What is a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness!
Q: Why was the computer cold?
A: It left it's Windows open!
Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?
A: Because it was looking for a byte to eat?
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Because someone stepped on it's mouse!
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard?
A: A screensaver!
Q: Where do all the cool mice live?
A: In their mousepads
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Lots of memory!
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet?
A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet
Q: How can you spell cold with two letters?
A: IC (icy)
Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and ?
A: David!
Q: If you were in a race and passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?
A: 2nd place!
Q: What is the center of gravity?
A: The letter V!
Q: What English word has three consecutive double letters?
A: Bookkeeper
Q: What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
A: A penny!
Q: The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots. How many T's in that?
A: There are 2 T's in THAT!
Q: What goes up, but never comes down?
A: Your age!
Q: What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?
A: A hole!
Q: How many months have 28 days?
A: All of them!
Q: Can you spell rotted with two letters?
A: DK (decay)
Q: How many books can you put into an empty backpack?
A: One! After that it's not empty.
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Does your shirt have holes in it?
A: No, then how did you put it on?
Q: What starts with a P and ends with an E and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: When does a cart come before a horse?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A: A sponge!
Q: What has two hands, a round face, always runs, but stays in place?
A: A clock!
Q: Where does success come before work?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: What breaks when you say it?
A: Silence!
Q: How many peas are there in a pint?
A: There is one 'P' in a 'pint'.