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Fun under Twenty-One
Have you ever felt that you live in an environment where teenagers are constricted and forced to lead boring and monotonous lifestyles? Do you feel that your young age works like handcuffs on your social life? If you are serving a boredom sentence and your release date is your twenty-first birthday, fear no more. The survival guide for illegal fun is here.
On a typical weekend in Miami, there are hundreds of opportunities to go out, have fun, get drunk, and meet girls. If you are over the age of twenty-one, the city offers a variety of hot nightclubs, parties, bars, and events. These are more than enough options to satisfy the hunger of a legal party animal. However, for those who aren’t twenty-one, don’t despair! As with everything else in life, there are ways to approach things through the back door.
After the final bell rings on Friday, make your way over to your friend’s house. Find out where “the kid that makes ID’s” lives, and pay him a visit. Be ready to give up about one hundred and fifty dollars in cash of your allowance money. Don’t worry; this money is an investment for your future. Be sure to request a foreign ID. Florida state identification is much harder to forge and requires great skill, and bouncers at clubs are trained to detect flaws in these. On the other hand, there is a very small chance that a bouncer has ever been to Argentina, and even knows what an Argentine ID is supposed to look like. Upon completing the transaction, proceed to place your freshly made purchase in the middle of the street and run it over with your car several times (that is if you own a car). Later on, place it in your jean pocket and throw the jeans in the washing machine. These steps are critical in order to achieve a worn-out non-fake look.
Proper attire is essential in order to have a successful evening. Select a pair of nice dress pants, a dress shirt, and dig out those dress shoes from the bottom of your closet. Not only will you not get into any respectable club in Miami wearing baggy jeans and an oversized Fubu shirt, but also dressing to impress will make you look older than you really are. The right outfit also plays a crucial role when dealing with some women, for they appreciate when a guy knows how to present himself well.
I remember the time I walked into “Kendall Liquor” to purchase some party beverages. As I walked over to the counter with my Bacardi bottle in one hand I began feeling really nervous. I took my cell-phone out of my pocket and pretended to talk to somebody on the other end. This took my mind off of the fact that I was doing something I could get in trouble for, and I thought I would appear casual and unworried to the store clerk. As I handed my I.D to the clerk, I began secretly praying that he wouldn’t notice my forged identification or that he would have pity for me and let me walk out of the store with the liquor. After the clerk looked at me with a grin on his face, he placed my purchase in a paper bag. I placed the Bacardi in my trunk, in case I got pulled over later, and left calmly.
When the time comes, meet up with your friends and go to the usual Friday night high-school “party”. Upon arriving, make sure you park in a spot where no other vehicle can block you (I will explain why later). Waste no time in consuming your drinks and any other alcohol quickly, because this “party” will not last long. You can buy illegal drugs from the seventeen year-old, wannabe thug, drug-dealer at the party. This involves risking getting jumped and left with nothing. I advise against this. Hopefully, there will be some scattered sophomore girls at the party who will find your dressed up look appealing and want to party with you. Spending time in prison for statutory rape is a small price to pay for some Friday night action. At around eleven o’clock, the police will be arriving to break up the fun. Pull up your pants and make your way outside to your car. You will be able to make a quick getaway from the police due to the fact that your exit is not blocked. In your drunken haze, shift through your gears rapidly and pray to God that a patrol car is not hot on your trail.
I got pulled over once in a similar situation. As the police officer was making his way towards my car I quickly reached for the deodorant in my glove compartment and emptied about half the can onto myself. I truly reeked of alcohol. Luckily, I was also able to find a penny and quickly pop it in my mouth. Copper does a good job of masking alcohol-infested breath. The cop asked for my license and registration, and after about ten minuets of waiting, he let me go with a warning and told to drive safe from now on.
It’s time to hit the nightclubs. Wait in line at the club entrance and when you reach the door, act like your upset that it’s taking so long to get inside. Light a cigarette, even if you don’t smoke (people will think your older if you have a cigarette in your hand). There is no need to puff on the cigarette, just hold it in your hand. Hand your ID to the 300-pound bouncer with the bad attitude. Wait for him to look you up and down and look at your ID for about 5 minutes. If he requests Florida identification, simply state that you are a tourist, and that it never takes this long to get into a club back in Argentina. If he denies your entrance, begin to get extremely upset (this is a risky move), say that your father is the chief of staff of the entertainment section in the Miami Herald, and that this club will be getting terrible reviews next week. Demand to speak to the owner. Providing the bouncer doesn’t buy in to your bullshit and smash your face against the sidewalk for insulting his intelligence, he will let you in and apologize. No meathead wants to lose the only job he is destined to do for the rest of his life.
The club will be packed, hot, and sweaty. You will lose sight of your friends in a matter of seconds. Search the floor for a discarded drinking bracelet (you will need it to avoid further hassle at the bar) and locate the bar. After paying five dollars for a beer or twelve dollars for a drink, try and find a woman, among the crowd of 25 year olds, stupid enough or drunk enough to believe your twenty-one and actually give you a chance of scoring. After trying to feel her up or aiming for a kiss, make sure you see if her boyfriend or some other man friend of hers doesn’t come along and ruin the party for you with a swift jab to the cheekbone.
I remember the time when I was laying in the corner of the club all partied-out. I was trying to figure out where I had parked my car and if my friends were still there. Those were the least of my worries. The hardest part of the night had come for me. Making it back home. Let me tell you, driving home at five o’clock in the morning through the police infested streets of my Miami is no easy task. I tried to keep myself awake by rolling all my windows down and turning on the radio. I really wanted to get home already, but I forced myself to keep my speed under the speed limit. I’d rather get home a little later than spending the night in jail for driving under the influence (of alcohol).
So after a night of breaking the law, carrying around illegal documents, purchasing illegal beverages, statutory rape, doing illegal drugs, risking a beat down by a wannabe-thug, almost being caught by the police and arrested for evading an officer, almost being sent to jail, driving drunk, speeding, risking getting a black eye for feeling up a twenty-five year old woman, almost having your head shoved into the sidewalk by a 300 pound bouncer, and about three hundred dollars poorer, you have successfully achieved what few others can: Having fun under twenty-one. Had a good time?