STEVE FARRALL-HYDER WOKINGHAM FAMILY CENTRES
SUPPORTING FATHERS: REDUCING RISK,
ENCOURAGING POSITIVE PARENTING words 2,760
I work as a local authority Social worker in Family Centres with fathers in heavy end court and child protection situations, as well as in preventative initiatives at the centre and within the community involving the voluntary sector. Therefore in several modes: individual support and groups for men; parenting education and assessment; focussed work on Domestic Violence and other abusive behaviours.
Positive Parenting Programmes have core values, which implicitly address Domestic Violence by stressing the benefits for children of shared responsibility and cooperative relationships between parents.
What do we mean by positive parenting?
Parenting which is focussed on a child’s needs and where respect is based on a Child’s right as a human being to be loved rather than respect based on fear.
Also where parents understand that a significant amount of a child’s behaviour is learnt from their parent’s behaviour. It uses this social learning theory to incorporate ideas of rewarding positive behaviour and dealing with difficult behaviour: using discipline and boundary setting without smacking, threatening to smack or other forms of emotionally punitive actions.
website; positive parenting info
Also from Centre for Fun and Families ( Other languages available)
‘We can work it out’— Save the Children2000
Parent/Child game week.htm
describes principles of providing services which enable parents and carers to better understand their own needs and those of their children. They link involved fatherhood with more satisfactory relationships between parents. They also quote research which identifies the poorest outcomes for children are in families with authoritarian parenting styles and link lax supervision to chronic anti social behaviour in later life.
The best outcomes for children are in families with intimate caring relationships. Good father involvement with children helps in educational achievement throughout school and factor is a protective against emotional and behaviour problems in adolescence. Where parents are separated, positive father involvement is still linked to positive outcomes for children, particularly adolescent girls.
So again, cooperative relationships between parents are crucial for children whether or not they are living together.
Work when there is conflict:
Where parents are separated or divorced I would discuss the same issues but separately unless there was a willingness to meet together. It is important to be clear that conflict impacts on children but they will cope if parents find ways of resolving conflicts and there is regular positive contact.
I would talk about a child’s self-esteem being built on a belief that your parents are ok. So if you ‘slag’ of your partner to or in front of your child you are indirectly attacking your child’s self esteem. (see writing by children about their experiences ). These parents need to find other spaces to talk about their own feelings.
Focussed work on Domestic Violence:
This usually takes place in the context of court proceedings and Child Protection, alongside other agencies
such as the police, probation and support services for partners and their children such as Berkshire Women’s Aid and Crossing Bridges ( a Reading Borough Council Partnership of a support service drop in for any victims of DV
Assessment is often a starting point for addressing behaviour and risk , leading on to further work from specialist agencies.
Key elements are: talking about violence as a behaviour that can change will the will and work to do so; accepting responsibility for behaviour; the process of thoughts, decisions and actions with violence and putting in controls ;identify feelings; developing empathy for the child through understanding the impact of DV on children either directly or indirectly; then empathy towards the partner through the child; long term strategies and relapse prevention.
Encouragement to change involves looking at the harmful consequences of continuing to use violence for themselves and their families; the benefits of not using violence and what’s in it for them longterm; change is possible but requires hardwork; also realistic expectations of other people’s scepticism about their ability and motivation for change.
There is criticism of Anger Management Programmes used in isolation because they do not check out the safety of victims or check out evidence of changes of behaviour. Also there are questions about its benefits with more impulsive behaviours, mental illness , drug and alcohol use. However it has possible value if provided in a system which stresses safety first, limited confidentiality and in liaison with statutory and support services.
General support to fathers:
In the context of a Family Centre, it is useful to have a father’s group for all issues. There will be an opportunity to discuss what is good fathering and what are the blocks to good fathering , which include violence and abuse. In my experience these groups have the potential to develop materials, statements
for the walls and contribute to safety for all in the centre. They also can provide an affective challenge to abusive beliefs, attitudes and behaviour over time and set ground rules which limit confidentiality if something said is a risk to themselves or others.
Agencies need to give Clear messages about violence being wrong, against the law and harmful to themselves, partners and the children and it is the responsibility of adults to protect children. Leaflets can be helpful to reinforce values (see NAPCAN Australian ones such as ‘Domestic Violence hurts children too’ e-mail )
The Duluth Wheel ( Domestic Abuse Intervention Project) is often used as a model for male perpretrator programmes with detailed aspects of power and control. It is gender specific as a model of male abuse towards women,( there is a growing awareness of violence of women to men , children to adults and within same sex relationships ,which is no less important and needs to be addressed, even though the overwhelming majority of reported DV is about violence from men to women.)
However it offers a helpful framework for parenting within the Equality, non-violence Wheel, looking at relationships that work well and the benefits to parents and their children. Shared responsibility, trust, honesty,negotiation, fairness and partnership are some of the values described.
Emotional literacy and social skills such as assertiveness rather than aggression, are all important components of work with fathers to reduce the risk of DV.
The American Fatherhood Curriculum has groupwork chapters on communication, relationships, conflict resolution alongside anger management strategies. Other chapters focus on masculinity, sexual health, child development, building self esteem, how children learn and a father’s influence on how children turn out.
‘Time Out for Teenagers’POSITIVE PARENTING PUBLICATIONS (2004) stresses parenting skills of tools for handling conflict, problem solving, communication and understanding what its like being a teenager.
So therefore, we can be explicit about Domestic Violence within our centre and in different programmes. However, we need to provide other services to fathers reflecting their range of needs or they will continue to see these parent support spaces as for mothers only and decide not to attend. Thus a missed opportunity to harness a father’s potential as a resource not just seen as a risk.
Preventive work:
There are a number levels and contexts to consider, which could be seen as a continuum of resources in response to a continuum of abuse. ( PatricK Neil ,Oxfordshire Child Protection Co-ordinator at Thames Valley Partnership Perpretrator programme network forum2002
Evening Parenting workshops for fathers in our area tend to raise the same issues for fathers each time, how to discipline children so they will behave.
The usual arguments about discipline often get stuck on smacking. Workers need to describe discipline in a wider framework looking at parental guidance: showing children how to behave and how to put things right. This often leads on to looking at fathers own experiences of being fathered and issues of punishment, violence, losses, links between influence and learnt behaviour and changes in roles today.
For materials we used the What Good are Dads?( LEWIS et al 2001) research into the benefits of positive Fathering. We developed collages with pictures of dads with their children from the national press such as Jamie Oliver, David Beckham and cut out the positive statements from the research and displayed them in the local Children’s Centre.
It is useful particularly with babies and young children to use a forward looking approach as in the Values Auction. What do you value for your child? What do you want them to value? Then ask what are you going to do to make this possible? (See Fatherhood Development manual training via Fathersdirect)
Older children are usually exhibiting the behaviour fathers are struggling with and work needs to look at the parents approach to conflict, problem solving, staying calm or using time out strategies.
Young parents are less likely to be living together and there maybe issues about money, housing, paternity, contact and conflict with the mother’s parents.
This group are the most likely to believe it is ok to hit each other and there has been a growth in the numbers of women who use violence associated with alcohol and drug use( some evidence also that this maybe linked to experiencing DV in their childhood.)
Research commissioned by the government and various charities such as Corum Family have identified the need to support young fathers at these times and are currently developing services to encourage positive father involvement ( see DVD dads or Boys2Men)
Relationship work with children in schools is currently part of sex education and is part of local teenage pregnancy prevention strategy with government targets. This work is developing in secondary schools and there is an opportunity to discuss expectations within relationships and deal with the present view amongst young people that it is ok to hit each other.
Working with boys creates an opportunity to look at masculinity (the beliefs and rules learnt about how men should behave), which are good role models and what works for boys, as they get older. Boys with masculine scripts that don’t allow expression of feelings to others are at higher risk of suicide and self-harm. Work is needed to open up these scripts to include warmth and opportunities to express feelings to someone they trust, but not necessarily in front of everyone. (Man’s World board game WWM)
Working with Men has a useful tool on what makes an ideal partner.
(See Building Bridges Pack and game developed by Neil Davidson WWM 320 Commercial Way, London SE15 1QN also see WWM newsletter via website)
Working with girls is also needed to work on expectations within relationships, self esteem, life opportunities and the ideal partner is a good question for groups.
Targeted work with children;
Looked After, children in Need who are likely to have been on the end of violence within their families.
Special Needs and communication difficulties. There are a significant number of young men who are convicted of violence in YOI who went to Special schools eg. ADD, ADHD, autistic spectrum or specific learning difficulties unrecognised. Develop social skills.
Useful to use games such as Social Skills and Anger Solution Board games and role-play situations.
Workers need to identify thoughts and beliefs as well as behaviour eg. Our boys group looked at Thoughts (thought bubble cartoons) and actions (speech bubble cartoons)
Other targeted support:
Pregnancy is a time of increased risk from evidence within health maternity services.
Information to women is available on the toilet doors and screening for Domestic Violence is being undertaken or planned in health services by midwives and then health visitors.
The use of violence can be extreme and directed at mother and child intentionally and lead to loss of life.
Obviously police prosecution is necessary to protect victims here but other men maybe more workable.
In my experience this appears related to men who have difficulties dealing with their feelings on all levels
and in some cases jealousy about the attention the child gets.
Becoming a father is a major life event where new dads would benefit from opportunities to talk about
their feelings, roles, relationships and aspirations for their children.
Many men start to think of their own experiences of being fathered and what they want to do for their children. A starting point is often ‘ I don’t want to do what my father did’ but as well as will power new strategies need to be learnt to prevent them doing the same behaviour when the child starts to presents demands.
Other dads do the opposite and don’t set any boundaries and struggle as the child becomes more and more demanding.
Post birth is a good time to encourage the development of warm, close relationships between fathers and their children. (Again NAPCAN leaflets on becoming a father useful, Dad magazine for new dads
As well as any positive parenting publications or tools eg Parent/ child game)
Advice for frontline workers:
You don’t need to reinvent the wheel but link in with strategies such as school curriculum, teenage pregnancy prevention, crime prevention and social inclusion.
Your agency should link in to local Domestic Violence Forums for professionals and voluntary groups to network, identify training needs, distribute leaflets, collect statistics and get feedback on services.
Many Local authorities have Safer Community Officers usually based in their main offices and on line and sometimes chair these forums.
The development of fatherhood projects through Surestart and putting fathers on the agenda for service developments in the parenting and support sectors, have raised worries and fears for some staff about how to talk to men about these behaviours.
You need to consider training for staff working with fathers who use violence so that staff are confident in either working with them or raising violence as an issue.
If not, the advice from Respect is stick to safety work but liase or refer to specialist agencies.
At present a lot of information in to how perpetrators operate comes from partners and their children and support organs. However, knowledge has also been developed from forensic psychologists with individual profiles, the police family protection units, probation officers and the perpetrators programmes, both voluntary and mandatory, where challenges to denial, minimisation are often most powerful from the other members of the group who know how they use violence.
In Summary, there are links between positive parenting programmes and support services and work to reduce the risks of Domestic Violence, but differences in focus.
Parenting or support work focuses on a wider picture where DV is one element while DV programmes directly address the violent and controlling behaviour.
WHAT INCREASES THE RISKS?
Many of the factors described by Jo Todd
From the individual:
Poor social skills and communication difficulties therefore the understanding or tools to deal with conflict.
The prevalence of unresolved drug, alcohol or mental health problems.
Programmes which work in isolation from other agencies and from those people on the receiving end of the violence.
Unrealistic expectations of his ability to change.( ie he attends a course so everything is ok)
No checking out of the behaviour elsewhere once engaged.
Agreements on confidentiality which restrict discussing any concerns that arise with relevant agencies.
WHAT LOWERS THE RISKS?
From the individual:
Ability to show empathy towards the children which is usually the starting point for empathy towards partner or ex partner by understanding the link between what they do in the relationship and the affect on the children.
Starting to take responsibility for their behaviour by actions such as getting help for alcohol or drug dependency or mental health problems.
Work on social skills and communication, the ability to express feelings, be assertive and develop strategies to deal with anger helpfully rather than use violence.
Clear Confidentiality limits around services, which will report risk to themselves or others.
Written materials and statements and policies about violence seen, adhered to and given out at the beginning of involvement.
Involved fathering from the beginning of pregnancy encouraging the expression of warmth and caring.
Support networks of family and friends, professional agencies where there are positive male role models.
Assessment and screening to identify the particular risks of an individual’s behaviour, then look at what you can do and what others can do. This will require a referral to specialist agencies.
Wider picture:
Integrated working which supports partners and children.
Working with others agencies on developing different parts of the picture either for crisis intervention or planning preventative work such in schools or maternity hospitals or early years education.
Development and use of local forums on Domestic violence or Safer Communities to share information,
Keep statistics and discuss service provision which meets needs. Also helpful in Identifying funding.
STEVE FARRALL-HYDER 01189690624