SIDE 1
(Arthur encounters Dennis Galahad, who is mining for mud on the side of the road.)
ARTHUR
Over! Old woman!
DENNIS
Man!
ARTHUR
Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS
I'm twenty seven.
ARTHUR
What?
DENNIS
I'm not old!
ARTHUR
Well, I just can't call you 'man'.
DENNIS
Well, you could say 'Dennis.'
ARTHUR
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
DENNIS
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR
Look I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really from behind you do look like --
DENNIS
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR
Well, I am the King...
SIDE 2
(Arthur is being taunted by the French Guards outside their castle.)
ARTHUR
Well, can we come in and have a look for the grail?
TAUNTER
Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!
ARTHUR
Well, what are you then?
TAUNTER
I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
ARTHUR
If you will not show us the grail, we shall take this castle by force!
TAUNTER
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnnighets.
ARTHUR
Now look here my good man!
TAUNTER
I don't want to talk to you no more you empty-headed animal food trough-wipers! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
ARTHUR
Is there someone else we could talk to?
TAUNTER
Hey, no chance, son of a window-dresser! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you tiny-brained wipers of other peoples bottoms!!!
SIDE 3
(After a bloody wedding day disaster in which Lance tries to save a damsel in distress and realizes the damsel is a man. Ah-hem....)
LANCE (to Herbert's father)
Leave him alone! This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love and affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no
(becoming emotional)
--I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, far worse, you try to marry him off to some girl, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever. Yes, yes, I now a little but about bullying fathers you bastard. Have you no heart? Have you no human tenderness? Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding?
(almost overcome)
Is that too much to ask? Is it? Too Much! To Ask!
FATHER
(beat)
My god! You're gay.
SIDE 4
(Lady of the Lake appearing to Arthur.)
LADY
But, you're not aloe, Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you the sword, who made you King, who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your quest? It's true, I've been far off stage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been.
ARTHUR
Patsy, I'm not alone. The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.
LADY OF THE LAKE
And so has Patsy.
ARTHUR
Ah, yes, but Patsy's family.
LADY
You see, Arthur, dear, we're all here to help each other.
ARTHUR
I need to find a star.
LADY
But, Arthur darling, you are a star. And so am I.
ARTHUR
Well, that's lucky. Can you help me put on a musical?
LADY
But, Arthur, you are in a musical!
ARTHUR
Oh, my.
LADY
You've been in a musical all the time.
ARTHUR
Hi. Hello. So now what?
LADY
Well, you have to finish the show. It's a musical, so you have to find the grail and end with a wedding!