Hoffman UKPre-Course Work

Hoffman Process Pre-Course Work

Name: / Process date:

Why do I need to do thePre-Course Work(PCW)?

  • To provide you with a way of discovering and understanding more about who you are and why you behave in the ways you do.
  • To prepare you for the important work you will do onthe Hoffman Process.
  • To exploreand make connections between your childhood and the challenges you experience today.

How do I complete the PCW?

  • Simply click the field you wish to fill in and then type away.
  • Save regularly as you work through the document.
  • Allow 6-8 hours to complete this work.
  • In preparation we recommend you read the Pre-Process Guide (‘the Guide’).This provides help with completing this Pre-Course Work, and advice on preparing for the Process week.

What reactions might I experience while completing the PCW?

  • A variety of feelings ranging from anger to relief.
  • Negative patterns such as procrastination, perfectionism, self-doubt, cynicism, blame, competitiveness, people pleasing, fear of hurting people’s feelings etc. We invite you to be aware of these patterns and continue with the work.
  • If you need any support while completing the work, phone the Hoffman office on +44(0)1903 889990

Who will read my PCW?

  • A member of the Hoffman enrolment team and one of the course facilitators who will be working with you. It is their intention to understand your history, your life today, your challenges and how to best support you.
  • If for any reason the facilitator feels that you would benefit from some individual work prior to attending, we will let you know.
  • For confidentiality and data protection, at the end of your course your PCW will be deleted from our systems or destroyed if sent in paper form.

What do I do with the completed PCW?

  • Email the PCW with a recent photograph of yourself to .
  • Please ensure that Hoffman receive your PCW at least twoweeks before your Process start date.
  • Print a copy of the completed PCW and bring it with you to the Process.

My Life Today

  1. Briefly describe your life right now.
  1. What are the things that you would most like to change in your life?
  1. Please assess your current situation, 0 = very bad 10 = excellent.

Life overall / Opinion of yourself
Treatment of yourself/your body / Ability to enjoy life
Ability to be honest about your feelings / Ability to ask for help
Your relationship with your children / Your relationship with your spouse/partner
Your relationship with your friends / Your relationship with people at work/college
  1. What do you hope to gain from doing the Hoffman Process?
  1. How or from whom did you learn about the Hoffman Process?
  1. What is your current relationship status?
  1. If you are in a relationship, what is the name of your spouse or partner?
  1. Do you live together? How many years have you been together?
  1. Have you been widowed, separated, or divorced? If yes, in what year did this event, or these events, take place?
  1. Do you have any other significant relationship(s)?
  1. If you have children, list their name(s), gender, and age. Please also indicate if they are from a previous relationship.
  1. If you had a child who died, what age were they, and in what year did they die?
  1. Are you employed? If so, what is your occupation?
  1. Are you fulfilled in your work? Would you say you have a healthy work-life balance?
  1. If you are not employed, and could choose your profession, what would it be?
  1. Is there anything else that you would like to add?

Your Family of Origin

  1. Name, age & profession of your mother. Is she still alive? If not, when and how did she die?
  1. Name, age & profession of your father. Is he still alive? If not, when and how did he die?
  1. Were you adopted? If yes, what age were you? Have you met your biological parentsand, if so, when?
  1. Were there any unusual or notable circumstances around your conception or birth? Please describe.
  1. Were your parents divorced? If yes, what age were you?
  1. How many siblings do you have? Name(s) and ages(s).

Do you have any surrogates?A surrogate parent is somebody who had a parental role, including raising you and disciplining you, before the age of 13. A surrogate could be a step-parent, grandparent, another relative, nanny, boarding school or older sibling.

  1. Name, age and profession of surrogate(s) you had before puberty.
  1. Did you go to boarding school before the age of 13? If so, from what age?
  1. List the places you lived prior to the age of 13 and the years spent in each.
  1. How would you assess your relationship with, 0=bad and 10-excellent.

Your mother / Your surrogate mother
Your father / Your surrogate father
Your siblings
  1. If your parents have passed away, how was your relationship with them at their death?

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Hoffman UKPre-Course Work

Your Background

This section of the work gives you an opportunity to revisit and explore your childhood and the impact this had on your life. You may find some areas easier to remember than others. This is perfectly normal. Keep an open mind and be curious about your past. This work is to help you make connections to your past and make links with your current reality.

  1. Take a moment to reflect on your childhood and then write a sentence or two on what youwere like as a child?
  1. What was your childhood nickname if you had one?
  1. If you had siblings, how did you interact with each other?
  1. Are you a twin? If yes, what impact has this had on you?
  1. What was the atmosphere like in your childhood home?
  1. What would you have changed if you could?
  1. How would you define your role growing up in your family? For example, the joker, the clever one, Daddy’s girl, Mummy’s boy, the black sheep, the quiet one, the stupid one, the helper etc…
  1. How did your mother and father interact with one another?
  1. How has your parent’s relationship had an impact on your own relationship history?
  1. If you are in a relationship, how does it feeland what does being married/partnered mean to you?
  1. If you are not in a relationship, how does it feel and what does being single mean to you?
  1. How did your mother and father behave when they were sad or upset?
  1. How do you behave when you are sad or upset?
  1. How did your mother and father behave when they were angry?
  1. How do you behave now when you are angry?
  1. Try to recall a childhood scene when you felt upset/disturbed/scared by your mother’s behaviour. Use the present tense as if you were describing it at the time, for example, ‘I feel…’.
  1. Try to recall a childhood scene when you felt upset/disturbed/scared by your father’s behaviour. Use the present tense as if you were describing it at the time, for example, ‘I feel…’.
  1. Describe a childhood scene when you were angry/annoyed/raised your voice/answered

back or had a tantrum. How did you feel, and how did you behave? Use the present tense as if you were describing it at the time, for example, ‘I feel…’.

  1. What form of punishment or discipline did your mother/father use?
  1. How do you feel after describing these experiences?
  1. Did your mother and father express their emotions?
  1. How do you express emotions in your life? Are there any emotions you are afraid to express?
  1. What messages did your mother and father give you about work?
  1. What relationship do you have towards work?
  1. What messages did your mother and father give you about religion and spirituality?
  1. How do you feel about religion and spirituality?
  1. What were the key messages that you received from your mother and father regarding intimacy and sex?
  1. How have these messages impacted on your intimate relationships and your sex life?
  1. How have these messages impacted on your attitude towards your body and sexuality today?
  1. Have you ever been physically and/or sexually abused? If yes, please provide details of when and where.
  1. Have you received support/therapy for the above? If yes, please provide details of when and where. Did you consider this support effective?
  1. What do you consider to be the most traumatic event in your life and when did this occur?
  1. Have you received support/therapy for this? If yes, please provide details of when and where. Did you consider this support effective?
  1. What effect(s) did this have on your life when it happened?
  1. What effect(s) does this have on your life now?
  1. Have you ever seriously contemplated/attempted suicide? If yes, how and at what age?
  1. Have you received support/therapy for this? If yes, please give details of when and where. Did you consider this support effective?
  1. Do you use substances or behaviours to numb or distract yourself from real or imagined problems in your life? For example, work, food, sex, alcohol, exercise, illness, internet use, gambling drugs etc. If so, what do you use and how often?
  1. Were your parents addicted to any substances or behaviours? If so, please give details for each.
  1. Are you in recovery for any of the above? Please give details. If yes, do you consider this support effective?
  1. To whom and/or what (if anyone/anything) do you turn during challenging times? How do you behave/react in challenging times? Who/what comprises your support network?

Negative Love and Patterns of Behaviour

To enable you to have the very best experience from the Hoffman Process, we ask you to allow yourself to see your parents objectively, as human beings who, like all of us, may have made some unconscious mistakes. We invite you to start from the assumption that your parents wanted the best for you. However, while we’re not suggesting that you blame your parents, or yourself, for what has happened in your life we do ask, in beginning this investigative journey, that you accept the possibility that you might have taken on negative behaviours from your parents, and from your surrogate parents if you have them.

To let you know before you begin this that you’ll have an opportunity to acknowledge the positives that you learned from your parents (and surrogates if you had them) during the Process.

We start with Bob Hoffman’s concept of ‘Negative Love’, which includes the inevitability of negative behaviours continuing in the family system until acknowledged, faced and dealt with.

This concept is that a child, up to the age of puberty, unconsciously adopts the negative (and positive) behaviours, belief systems, moods, attitudes and insecurities of their primary caregivers in order to be loved.

Caregivers usually refers to a child’s biological mother and father; however it may also extend to surrogate parents – for example: step-parents, grandparents, foster parents, boarding school, elder siblings, nannies and other carers. The immediate family environment is where, as a child, you were continuously absorbing and learning - how to be with others, the world and yourself.

With an initial focus on the adopted negative behaviours we can see that by continuously acting them out, we hurt ourselves and others and, if we’re parents, able to see also that we pass them on to our children and, as a result, see ‘Negative Love’ moving on to the next generation.

The goal of the Process is to connect deeply to who you really are, to your authentic self, and thus to have CHOICE about how you behave, no longer reacting compulsively through your patterns. There are a number of steps in reaching this goal – one of which is to reach an understanding of, find forgiveness and experience compassion for your parents, and surrogates if you have them. The choice you’ll then have, in any situation, will be to respond appropriately, based on experiencing inner peace and self love.

If you’d like any assistance with completing the next section of this Pre-Course work, do email the office: or call us: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90

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Hoffman UKPre-Course Work

Pattern Identification

Negative behaviours that we act out again and again are called ‘patterns’. And just as you notice dominant themes in the design of a carpet or fabric, you’re probably very familiar with your own dominant patterns of behaviour. Some of them may even be so regular and consistent that you’ve come to believe that that’s who you are. Patterns are compulsive and automatic and control us. As much as we may try to do things differently, we don’t have control over them.

In the ‘tick box’ section, which follows, you’ll be able to identify the specific negative patterns that you’re acting out. Make all the connections you can between your parents’ patterns (and those of surrogates if you have any) and what you’re doing in your life today. Sometimes it’s obvious, as in for example: ‘Father was critical, and now I’m critical, just like him’. Fully facing up to and acknowledging just how much we are like our parents isn’t necessarily easy. However, if you’re willing to take this first step you’ll then be ready for the next, which is to realise that, if you learned these patterns you can also un-learn them, which is an important step on the way to no longer reacting to situations through your patterns and, instead, to respond appropriately.

We take these patterns on, and thus act them out, in 3 different ways:

  1. You may have ADOPTED somepatterns, in which case you behave in the same way as your parent(s), as in the ‘critical like father’ example above.
  2. You may have REBELLED against patterns and now act in a different, often opposite, way - for example your mother disrespects other people, you’re now ‘always nice’ to others.
  3. You may have MODIFIEDyour behaviour to cope with some of your parents' patterns - for example your father was demanding, and you adjusted to his demands by becoming a pleaser.

Instructions

Go through the following lists of patterns and complete the ‘tick boxes’ as follows:

  • If you recognise the pattern in your mother, father, surrogate mother or surrogate father, put ‘Y’ in the relevant column.
  • If you recognise you have ADOPTED the pattern yourself, put ‘Y’ under the column ‘Am I like this?’
  • If you’ve REBELLED against the pattern and taken on an opposite pattern, put ‘R’ under the column ‘Am I like this?’
  • If you’ve MODIFIED a pattern by adjusting your behaviour, put ‘M’ in the column ‘Am I like this ?’

It might help to begin each section by asking yourself: ‘ Was my mother…?’ and ‘Was my father…?’ And, if relevant: ‘Was my surrogate mother/ surrogate father…?’

After the ‘tick box’ section, there are pages where we ask you to list, firstly, the 20 ‘worst’ negative patterns that you’ve taken on, and then, secondly, the 20 ‘worst’ of your mother, and your father, and of surrogates if you have them. Please keep that in mind as you go through the tick boxes noting those that have the most impact. You’ll be referring to these lists on the Process.

Abandoning/ rejecting physically or emotionally

Was my Mother or Father…? / M / F / MS / FS / Am I like this?
Undemonstrative
Unavailable, rarely at home, detached
Unsupportive, indifferent, uninvolved
Unappreciative
Evasive, procrastinated
Withdrawn, withholding
Deceitful
A loner, reclusive
Shy, an observer
Depressed, moody
Unpredictable, numbed out, escaped a lot
Unreliable, compulsive liar
Avoided commitment
Disrespectful, humiliated others
Undermining, discounting
Late, forgetful
Avoided conflict
Rarely showed affection
Lacking enthusiasm
Disinterested, disconnected
Cold, unemotional
Secretive
Uncommunicative
Mocking, sarcastic
Preoccupied

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Hoffman UKPre-Course Work

Critical or Judgmental

Was my Mother or Father…? / M / F / MS / FS / Am I like this?
Critical of themselves
Critical of others
A Perfectionist
Blamed others
Sceptical
Prejudiced
Never satisfied,
Hid behind a mask
Patronising
A Know-it-all
Judgmental, lecturer
Demanding
Had to have own way
Nagging
Self-righteous
Exploitative
Dogmatic, overly rational
Manipulative
Intolerant
Had to have last word
Inflexible
Had unrealistic expectations
Hypocritical
Kept raising the bar
Condescending
A fault finder
A nit picker

Addictions / Compulsive Behaviour