Alcoholism and Brentwood
Insecurity – Security
The crux of the disease of alcoholism is insecurity. A lack of trust excludes people.
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Like a dormant cancer, the full impact of the disease erupted spontaneously. Deep down, we knew that we were really not experiencing any true peace, any inner joy or mutual happiness. We were heavily laden with doubts, and lack of confidence, and our relationship with people was progressively more tense and disturbing.
We were basically uncertain of their love, advice or care. We were unsure whether or not we could trust their sincerity. We became convinced that they did not like us and we consequently felt rejected.
As a result, we launched out on our own to take care of ourselves. We became convinced that no one could help us to feel good inside. Our self-will developed through our staunch determination to “go it alone,” and to defensively stay one step ahead of the game. Self-will became our soul preoccupation. Self-will was the only friend we had. Doing the will of other or enjoying their good will was to us only a source of turmoil and agony. We were filled with fear, aggression and hostility.
Our lives were full of excuses. We were forever blaming others as the cause of our problems. We increasingly avoided people and desperately tried to escape from them. The guilt seeped in because we had closed out our parents, our spouses and our children. This guilt slipped into fear and insecurity and we were left with a make-believe world of fantasy – a fantasy to ease the painful reality of our lives. Our families felt a desperate sense of abandonment and were, in our despair, had strong inclinations to end it all. We became suicidal. Life became simply unbearable and intolerable.
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Even our families became convinced it was useless. Our marriage seemed irreparable. The children appeared to be lost and confused. The parents were beside themselves with guilt and dismay. All our hopes had become shattered and we had brought all those associated with us to the brink of despair.
For us here at Brentwood, we can afford to experience trust because the situation is non-threatening. To ask, listen, and do, actually makes sense. We can afford to “let down our guard”. Here there must be no pretense, no falsification, no lies and no blaming or ridicule of others.
As these experiences prove helpful, I become more and more convinced that I can securely anchor my life in fellowship and on the spiritual principles of trust, faith, forgiveness, respect, compassion, understanding and honesty.
Interest in Others
Being interested means contributing to our own well-being and the well-being of others. The word interest has the connotation of enthusiasm, eagerness, concern, curiosity and ambition. Interest can be contrasted with boredom, frustration, depression, misery and despair. As opposed to interest and enthusiasm, one’s life is heartless, meaningless and aimless. As alcoholics our lives have been reflective of a pervasive discontent. Our driving force was our own self-indulgence and self-gratification at any cost. Nothing interested us in life unless it was eventually self-serving.
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As alcoholics, we are so driven to pursue our own selfish interests and preoccupation that there remains very little room for us to be genuinely concerned for others. We are convinced that others should think and feel the same as we do. If they don’t, we feel rejected. We erroneously think that if we are upset with the boss at work then the spouse and the children should be equally disturbed. We might come home three hours late and tell our spouse about this magnificent person we met at the lounge, and we expect the spouse automatically to be excited as well. This is so insensitive, when in reality, it takes everything for a spouse not to retaliate for such thoughtless and inconsiderate behavior.
On the other hand, our young daughter may come home from school all excited about her little drawing and we as apparently merely grunt: “Um! Go to bed now.” This can be both crushing and devastating for such a small and impressionable young child. Our lives turned empty and callous. We overplayed life or we exaggerated it when it served our selfish purposes. There was no flexibility or resilience in our lives. It was overshadowed with hurt, confusion disappointment and turbulence both of us and for them.
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We became accusative of everything around us, “this stupid town, this stupid company, this stupid government or this stupid family. They let me down.” It was always someone else’s fault. We were subsequently left with a feeling of remorse and rejection which was later followed by anger, resentment, and criticism. Indifference, apathy, boredom and monotony seeped in on us as a way of life. We had no sense of warmth or sensitivity to others. The joy, laughter and spontaneity of life had escaped us. There was no more fun or enjoyment in life. We had become chronic pessimists and complainers. Our hearts got colder and became more closed to others.
The key to recovery for us in such a lifeless pattern is concern. Now we have to be “concerned for”, we have to “feel with, we have to be “involved with” other people. When we first come to Brentwood, we are unable to care for others or be concerned for them. Our first step is to allow others on program to be concerned for us. In effect, we have to allow love into our lives. For example, if a more senior person on program comes up to us and asks “How’s it going?”, we have to allow them into our lives. There is no fraudulence or deception here.
As good things begin to happen to us, such as a feeling of being worthy of the concern of others, then we can trust that their concern is authentic, and we can allow them more freedom to increase their caring and their good will towards us. We are influenced in a very powerful away to become involved with others the way God and nature intended for us to extend ourselves in love and good will.
Here we are reminded daily that it is what is right and good for the group and the fellowship which matters, not the solitary preoccupation with the self-centred me. We become “turned-on” by one another in a genuine act of love and caring. We actually get a natural “high” with and through one another.
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Once we have the ability to be concerned for the other, then we can become genuinely interested in their aspirations and concerns. Life thus becomes richer and more invigorating. People, life, events and locations no longer have a drag negative effect on us. We overwhelmingly experience an increased self-worth, freedom, joy, happiness and exuberance because our nature as human beings is restored to its more wholesome state. We function more effectively and we become more fully alive. We can love now with an open heart.
Involvement
The disease of alcoholism shows a blatant preoccupation with self. Our insecurity was so great that we are compelled to act in this obsessive way. We have no room in our hearts to be concerned for others.
I may mechanically provide for my children and my souse but I remain unable to give them myself. I am lacking in understanding and compassion. I will not allow them into my heart. I discourage them from caring for me as a son, a daughter, a spouse or a parent.
We are morbidly filled with the disease of alcoholism. As we begin to experience good feelings our hearts are open with acceptance, trust and understanding. Then we become interested and concerned in return.
This cold heart of ours begins to open up. We want to be involved with others. We want to be part of their lives. Slowly, a day by day, one-day-at-a-time and with one recovering alcoholic at a time, we develop the desire and the ability to be interested in family, to be more and more constant towards them in appreciation, kindness, consideration, respect, trust and forgiveness.
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Love
Alcoholism is the inability to love and be loved. As alcoholics we know very little, if anything, about honesty, reality, responsibility or love. Without it, everything else is a fantasy because it cannot produce what we want or need to happen in our lives – joy, peace, freedom and growth as a person. Among our needs and wants, our greatest longing is for love. If we cannot give love to our family, we are not being responsible, we are not being honest with them or ourselves.
People talk about love, yet there are very few who fully understand it or experience it. There is only one way to receive and give love and that is by the sharing of feelings. As we resist, we not only cause trouble but we stop growing emotionally and spiritually. We lose the ability to love. In effect, we lose our freedom and become imprisoned in a destructive world or our own making. We stop sharing and we prevent others from sharing with us. We stop growing ad human beings.
Mature, Responsible Decisions
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I have to be concerned for others now, in the present. When I am wrapped in my selfishness, I cannot pay attention to the now. I cannot pay attention to what is happening in the now.
When guilt about the past and fear about the future encroach upon me, it is impossible to be doing what I should be doing in the present for those people who need me. It is preposterous to think that I can, in such a state, be responsible.
We must prefer other people in our lives, first and foremost. By paying attention to them and loving them, the invitation for us to be relaxed, poised and comfortable with others, as opposed to being uptight, anxious and apprehension. We have to avoid putting others on the defensive.
I am exposed to a positive orientation of related to others day in and day out, hour by hour and person by person, so that gradually the heart opens. In this process, I develop the ability to love, to care and to become a mature and responsible human being.
One-Day-at-a-Time
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Our disease, essentially a “people-problem”, began at an early age. Reality, for us, was our unfounded believe that our parents did not really care for us. As a result, we learned to justify everything: lies, stealing, cheating and failing to cooperate. In short, we had the facts all wrong. In our blindness, we were unable to see the truth in our lives. The fact is that we were out of touch with reality. We were ignorant of what was true.
Our ignorance and our blindness led us into fantasy. Fantasy is a seemingly logical step for the alcoholic personality.
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By living “one-day-at-a-time”, or more accurately, responding to the needs of others first assures me that I have the right priorities in my life and that I will not be confused, uptight or fearful. Living “one-day-at-a-time” is directly opposite to the disease. If I am living in the now in a truly spiritual sense, then irrespective of whether I am six weeks, three months or one year into my program at that time, I have the ability to take this present opportunity to grow further. Living the now brings order, balance, and proper control into my life.
As alcoholics we had to be in control of everything and everybody. Unfortunately, this led to our being out of control emotionally. It is only by responding with an open heart and with generous love on our part to the needs of those people who are in our lives now, that we can begin to experience a proper order, balance and control.
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Our Father
The Our Father is given to us not so much as a prayer to be said, but as a guideline, as God’s own blueprint; a blueprint for growth and change.
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If we could not accept the love of parents, or if they were not capable of giving us love, it was impossible for us to experience or to believe in the love of God the Father.
Self-will is my own personal “kingdom” or garden of evil. It is sadness, misery, hatred, revenge, loneliness, fear and guilt.
“Give us this day our daily bread.” Daily bread has nothing to do with material things such as money, jobs or hours paid. “Bread” means our basic need for nurturance and sustenance which is love. God provides us this basic need by the people He puts into our lives. Their care and love provide the nourishment that we need to come alive with trust, faith, understanding, confidence and self-worth. We can exercise our responsibility as loving, caring parents, mothers, fathers, spouses, sons or daughters.
In our blindness and confusion, we have asked God too often for our self wants and not for our own basic needs. Life can have a purpose and direction as we share and care for each other.
Section Three
Pain and Guilt
It is against nature to do harm to ourselves and to others. When we do inflict harm to ourselves or to others, we feel miserable and corrupt. God cannot let us feel good if we do something harmful. Consequently, these guilty feelings serve as a reminder, as an indicator from God that we are acting in a way that is injurious to our own dignity of others.
As alcoholics we were blind to the feelings of others and we were primarily concerned with our own misery. We were so self-centered that we were incapable of genuine guilt or sorrow for the hurts which we inflicted on others. Without love there is no sensitivity to the hurts of others and there is no true sorry. We were just feeling sorry for ourselves. We despised pain and we had no capacity to accept or tolerate pain.
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The pain of failure, the remorse, the self-disgust would not go away and there was no amount of alcohol, drugs, overeating, compulsive gambling, denial or blaming of others that could kill the guilt.
By the time we came to Brentwood, we were overburdened with guilt, although we could not admit it to our families or even to ourselves. Here at Brentwood, we have to be released from the pain of guilt – guilt for needlessly causing injury to our own dignity as human beings, and injury to the dignity of others. The other alcoholics have felt the same kind of pain. They can accept us, no matter what we have done. With all the harm that we have done “out there” at home or in the community, we need a great deal of convincing that we are forgiven. Therefore, the large the number of people on program, the great the opportunity for us to experience acceptance and compassion.