Attachment Core Pattern Therapy Interventions

Milan & Kay Yerkovich

Attachment Core Pattern Therapy Interventions,

Avoider & Pleaser

Box 1: Pleaser is hyper-vigilant about closeness and distance.

What’s going on?

1. The anxious Pleaser has learned to watch and observe the emotional states of others in an attempt to reassure themselves that things are ok. Deriving their security from others, If others are ok, then they are ok as well. If their spouse is not ok, then they are agitated until the spouse seems happy again.

2. The Pleaser is anxious about disapproval or rejection so they do everything to please the spouse in an attempt to prevent anger or rejection.

3. Like the Vacillator, Pleasers are proximity seekers and feel safe when others are close. If problems or difficult emotions arise, they minimize, dismiss, deny or lie about problems to prevent separation.

Interventions: (Pleaser)

1. Because Pleasers are constantly watching others and attempting to guess their behavior, they have little to no experience with self-reflection and self-observation skills. They need to stop, look at the soul word list and take ownership of the vulnerable feelings that lie just beneath the anxious behaviors.

2. Pleasers need to formulate their own opinions and risk sharing them with the possibility that their opinion will be opposed or rejected. They need to learn that this is not “fatal and final” as it may have felt as a child.

3. Pleasers need to learn to separate from others and tolerate distance. Many times, the anxiety felt when others feel distant creates such intense levels of panic they are compelled to close the gap to make their anxiety subside.

Box 2: Avoider becomes annoyed.

What’s going on?

1. The avoider becomes annoyed by the pleaser’s continual proximity seeking, hovering and need for approval and reassurance.

2. Avoider’s value independence and mastery of tasks which is can only be accomplished through intense focus on the task at hand. They do not need the pleaser and are irritated when they are disrupted by neediness.

3. Avoiders are decisive and strongly dislike the Pleaser’s indecisiveness which is caused by fear and insecurity.

4. They grow weary of the Pleaser’s hovering and just want them to go away.

5. Lacking empathy for themselves and others, they lack the capacity to see or have compassion for the fear that dominates the Pleaser.

Interventions: (Avoider)

1. Using the soul word list, I need to develop self-awareness for myself so I can begin to develop a vocabulary to describe my inner feeling states. This is especially important when the Avoider is feeling irritated by the Pleaser’s proximity seeking.

2. I will ask the Pleaser to do the same, asking them to describe what they feel when they perceive distance in the relationship.

3. Instead of getting angry and pushing them away, I will seek understanding for their fears, and empathize with the childhood experiences that produced these fears.

4. Once empathy has been shown to the Pleaser, I will draw a warm boundary asking for space and distance as needed. This should include reassurance of love and a promise of reunion.

Box 3: Pleaser Panics.

What’s going on?

1. The pleaser feels rejected and alone and his or her worst fears and realized. They are triggered by the separation and panic sets in. The Pleaser tries harder and harder to please, and by hovering and observing, they are looking for any change in mood so they ca tell themselves things will be ok.

2. The pleaser intensifies their efforts to promote proximity with sacrificial giving, offers of sex or providing the Avoider’s favorite fun, food or activity.

Intervention: (Pleaser)

1. I will look back into my history and trace the roots of my attachment wounds. I will attempt to tell myself that the current levels of panic were imprinted when my parents were so big and I was so small. I will empathize with my little self and grieve the losses of my childhood.

2. I will remind myself that as adult, emotional and physical separations are a daily reality and I must get stronger in tolerating distance as a grown up.

3. I will try to tolerate not knowing what is going on with my spouse every moment of every day. I will allow them space and breathing room. I will communicate my new found self-awareness and include them in my plans for growing up.

4. I will practice solitude, tolerate quietness and learn to become comfortable in my own skin.

5. I will learn to individuate and differentate from others as well as allow them to do the same with me.

Box 4: Avoider feels triggered and smothered.

What’s going on?

1. The Avoider becomes triggered and they begin to feel smothered and overwhelmed by the constant presence of the Pleaser. They become very annoyed at the Pleaser’s neediness and may become very angry at the Pleaser to get them to go away. They further detach and distance by getting busy with work, tasks, hobbies or leaving the house.

Intervention: (Avoider)

1. Instead of getting angry and distancing, I will tell the Pleaser how suffocated I feel and why their behavior is objectionable. I will remind them of my childhood where I was left to myself to figure it out on my own.

2. I will confess my weakness of seemingly having little to no need for connection and validating my need for growth in this area.

Box 5: Pleaser threatened and fearful.

What’s going on?

1. The persistent Pleaser will tirelessly pursue the Avoider attempting to close the gap to capture the Avoider’s attention and approval.

2. The pursuit will continue for years until one day the Pleaser becomes resentful of giving so much and receiving so little. At this point they can snap, rapidly distance themselves from their spouse and perhaps have an affair with someone who appreciates them. Once this happens, it is often difficult go get them to reengage in marriage reunification.

Interventions: (Pleaser)

1. I will allow distance and learn to tolerate the pain until they choose to return.

Box 6: Avoider’s frustration and contempt.

What’s going on?

1. The Avoider’s cumulative frustrations leads them to a state of contempt and disrespect for the needy Pleaser. They want the pleaser to grow up and over time, they banish the pleaser from their everyday lives and live as a married single person. The dejected Pleaser sits in the shadows of despair, lamenting the lack of closeness they so desperately desire.