COPYRIGHT Robert Bailey
IS THIS JUST FANTASY?
INT. Bedroom. Day.
A 30 year old "average Joe"/nerd, JOHNNY, is making love to a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN. Working his tongue all over and pleasuring her. Suddenly the sound of an alarm clock beeping starts, and JOHNNY is interrupted.
JOHNNY
Oh, for fuck sake!
INT. JOHNNY’s bedroom. Day.
JOHNNY wakes up in his bed from this dream (indicated by music) and punches his fingers at the button on the alarm clock. The alarm stops briefly as he puts it down on the bedside table. The alarm starts again.
JOHNNY
Argghh!
JOHNNY reaches for a hammer, and he beats the alarm clock to pieces till it's quiet, on the bedside table. We see that JOHNNY drops the hammer, and gets out of his single bed, in a small room, and goes over to his desk.
JOHNNY opens his laptop. He then checks several of his online dating accounts to find no new messages, each site with images of happy/suggestive couples, and success stories. JOHNNY shakes his head in scepticism. JOHNNY then reaches for his phone and finds 'no matches' on his Tinder. JOHNNY shakes his head and grumbles. He then remembers what several women and men have told him, including his MOTHER. As he does so, he closes the lid of his laptop, and bangs his head down on his desk repeatedly.
MOTHER
It's either going to
happen or it won't...
It won't happen over
night. It's a waiting
game.
WOMAN 1
I'm moving interstate,
but it was nice meeting
you.
WOMAN 2
Remember, don't be a
"nice guy" just be a
nice guy.
MAN
Don't give up. Don't
take it personally. It's
a numbers game.
WOMAN 3
No response is a
response.
JOHNNY lifts his head from his desk and starts coughing, and shaking his head. He gets up from his desk, and reaches for a bottle of spirits and takes some gulps from it. He then reaches for his phone, which he dials. He speaks to his boss jovially.
JOHNNY
Hey Craig, it's Johnny.
I can't actually come
in today because I've
got to fix something
with my car... Yep sure,
double pay on Saturday.
Thanks mate.
JOHNNY hangs up, puts the phone down, and goes back to bed.
JOHNNY
Arrggh. Fucking hell.
This shit is out of my
hands.
While JOHNNY is sleeping he dreams (indicated by music) that later, his phone starts ringing. JOHNNY wakes up, reaches for the phone and croaks.
JOHNNY
Hello.
NICOLE, a young woman on the other end answers.
NICOLE
Hi, is that Johnny?
JOHNNY
Err, yes.
NICOLE
Well, hi Johnny. It's
me, Nicole from POF...
JOHNNY's eyes widen.
NICOLE
We messaged a few
weeks ago on there and
you left your number.
I stopped responding
because I went away for
a while. But I did take
down your number.
JOHNNY speaks more jovially.
JOHNNY
Oh righty. Yes. Nicole.
NICOLE
Would you like to come
over to my place
tomorrow night?
JOHNNY
Oh, sure. Why not.
INT. NICOLE’s house. Evening.
JOHNNY and NICOLE are eating dinner facing each other. NICOLE takes a large mouthful of food, and makes a demand at JOHNNY.
NICOLE
Ok, Johnny, stand-up.
Stand-up.
JOHNNY
W-Why?
NICOLE opens a tape measure and instructs JOHNNY to hold the end of it at the top of his head, as he is standing up.
NICOLE
Hold this here.
JOHNNY
This is a bit
uncouth.
NICOLE then extends the tape measure to his feet.
NICOLE
Oh my God. Oh my
God. You’re an inch
wrong, you liar!
(NICOLE screams the word ‘liar’)
NICOLE then kicks JOHNNY in the face/head.
JOHNNY
Doh!
INT./EXT. NICOLE’s house. Evening.
JOHNNY and several other men are bound up against a wall with bruised faces. NICOLE screams at all of them.
NICOLE
You men are all
liars!
NICOLE then starts firing a gun at the men. JOHNNY and the other men are killed.
INT. JOHNNY’s bedroom. Day.
JOHNNY is shuddering in his bed, as his phone starts ringing. JOHNNY wakes up. He reaches for the phone and croaks.
JOHNNY
Hello.
JOHNNY’s boss, CRAIG, is on the other end.
CRAIG
Hi Johnny, Craig
here. Are you
alright? Where are
you?
JOHNNY
What do you mean?
CRAIG
You were at your
home today?
JOHNNY
Yeah, I’m still
here.
CRAIG
Well, someone’s
reported you missing
apparently. There’s
notices in the
street with your
photo on them.
JOHNNY looks bemused.
EXT. Street. Day.
CRAIG is standing with JOHNNY, showing him one of the notices. It has the word ‘MISSING’, on top of a photo of JOHNNY, on top of just the name ‘JOHNNY’, and a phone number and description. There are several other notices stuck around the street, within sight.
JOHNNY
How bizarre. Well, that
photo looks to be from
about 10 years ago.
Might be a friend or
relative with memory
loss or something.
CRAIG
Yeah, must be
someone who doesn’t
use Facebook.
JOHNNY
By the look of the
phone number, at least
it’s not my mother
this time. When I
was 16 she once
reported me missing
when I was in the
exact same place where
she and my family had
left without me, at a
museum exhibit.
CRAIG
Alright mate, I’ll
leave you to it.
CRAIG pats JOHNNY on the shoulder/back and walks off. JOHNNY types in the number on his phone and waits for an answer. As he does so, he half watches sceptically as a couple walk past, arm in arm, on the other side of the road.
TAMZY, a 30 year old woman, is sticking up a missing notice, and has several more in one hand as she answers her ringing phone.
TAMZY
Hello?
JOHNNY
Hi Johnny here. I
believe you're
looking for me?
TAMZY is in joy.
TAMZY
Yes, yes, yes I am.
I'm Tamzy by the way.
Remember me?
JOHNNY
Tamzy. Err, not sure.
Why are you looking
for me? I don't think
I know you, or
remember you.
TAMZY
Well, would you like
to remember me?
JOHNNY
Err, ok. How so?
TAMZY
How about we have a
date tomorrow evening?
JOHNNY
A date! Oh, ok.
TAMZY
Just come to my
restaurant. 30
Franklin St.
JOHNNY
Your restaurant, ok.
INT. Office building/CRAIG'S office. Day.
JOHNNY is sitting relaxing with his boss, CRAIG, in CRAIG's office, in an office building. CRAIG pours JOHNNY and himself some whiskey, which they both drink from their mugs. JOHNNY continues typing on his laptop in the office.
CRAIG
Good work today
Johnny.
JOHNNY
Yep. Cheers...
Well, whoever this
Tamzy is, I like
her enthusiasm.
JOHNNY shrugs his shoulders.
JOHNNY
And... I suppose
this is my first ever
date.
CRAIG's a bit surprised to hear this.
CRAIG
Your first ever date?
What do you mean? You do
talk to women don't you?
JOHNNY
Yeah, I talk to them.
Just never had much
response in that way.
So err, what's going to
happen? Is she going
to get out a tape
measure, and shoot
me if my height’s
wrong?
CRAIG
No, don't think so.
JOHNNY
I mean I'm still
totally clueless about
this stuff. I don't
even know if sex exists.
I often imagine or dream
about it, but probably
only based on what I've
seen in films.
CRAIG
No, no, no. Don't worry
about it. Keep confident
and the ladies will love
you.
JOHNNY
Yeah, that's what all the
men say.
EXT. 30 Franklin St restaurant/children's play cafe. Evening.
JOHNNY walks up to what appears to be a children's play cafe.
JOHNNY
What the...
INT. 30 Franklin St restaurant/children's play cafe. Evening.
JOHNNY tries to phone TAMZY as he walks into the restaurant. He walks in to see a children's indoor playground with ball-pit, and a kitchen, but with some Mediterranean men and women lurking around, or sitting at tables, chatting, reading newspapers, eating or playing cards with their sunglasses on. Two guys are on/next to the playground having a fight, with knives included.
Suddenly, JOHNNY's eyes are covered by someone from behind (TAMZY), excitedly.
TAMZY
Hey! You looking for
me?
JOHNNY turns around and looks at TAMZY, and hangs up his phone.
JOHNNY
Err, yes. Tamzy?
TAMZY
Yes, here I am.
TAMZY stretches out her arms.
TAMZY
Remember me now?
JOHNNY
Err, still not sure.
TAMZY
Dohh! Take a seat
you dopey bastard.
TAMZY points JOHNNY to a table. JOHNNY and TAMZY take seats opposite each other at a nearby table. TAMZY starts taking bread from a basket on the table and chewing it.
TAMZY
Here, have some of
this bread.
JOHNNY
Alright.
JOHNNY also starts taking bread and chewing on it. TAMZY leans towards JOHNNY and enquires about him.
TAMZY
I went to uni with
you in 2005, and I
approached you several
times. Remember?
JOHNNY
Err, I do recall in uni,
a woman approaching me
several times, who I've
now forgotten
unfortunately. And that
was you?
TAMZY
Mhm. And you didn't
respond.
JOHNNY
Oh wow... Well, I'm
sorry. If it's really
you.
TAMZY mocks JOHNNY, and shakes her head.
TAMZY
Haha, if it's really
me.
JOHNNY
So, you run this
restaurant?
TAMZY
Yeah, me and my
family do. Since
my Dad got out
of prison, we've
been in the family
restaurant business.
... Hi Dad!
TAMSY looks over and waves at TAMSY's DAD, a 50-70 year old man who is wearing sunglasses, and sitting and chatting at a table with some others. He smiles and waves back at TAMZY, then continues chatting.
JOHNNY
Cool, a family
restaurant run by
ex-cons.
TAMZY
So, tell me some
more, are you
single right now?
JOHNNY
Yeah, well I've
just been trying
online dating.
TAMZY
Online dating, why?
JOHNNY
Well, I've never
actually had a girlfriend
yet, so I...
TAMZY
Really? How come?
JOHNNY
Well, they've never
responded in that
way yet.
TAMZY is startled to hear this.
TAMZY
Never responded?!
You complete buffoon!
TAMZY drops the bread and gestures to JOHNNY.
TAMZY
Alright, stand-up
Johnny! Stand-up!
JOHNNY stands up.
JOHNNY
W-why?
TAMZY grabs JOHNNY and points a gun at him.
TAMZY
Now follow me.
TAMZY and JOHNNY walk off out the back of the restaurant to TAMZY's house.
JOHNNY
Geez, you are a bit
uncouth.
TAMZY
Nothing uncouth about
desire Johnny. What's
your surname by the
way?
JOHNNY
Stevens.
TAMZY
Ah, yes.
INT. TAMZY's house. Night.
TAMZY shoves JOHNNY through the door, and slams it. TAMZY then approaches and warmly hugs JOHNNY. She still has a gun in one hand.
TAMZY
Now you're gonna get a
response, and you're
gonna respond to me
Johnny Stevens.
JOHNNY hugs her back.
JOHNNY
Err, ok.
TAMZY talks softly to JOHNNY.
TAMZY
You snubbed me several
times back in the uni
days.
JOHNNY
I was a lot shyer then.
TAMZY
I’ve tried several other
blokes over the years
since. But you're the one
I've never forgotten,
Johnny.
TAMZY starts kissing JOHNNY on the mouth.
JOHNNY
Oh, wow.
JOHNNY kisses in response.
JOHNNY
Wow... Are you real?
TAMZY
Am I real?!
TAMZY cracks up laughing at him, and releases herself from the hug, but still has her hands on him/holding onto his top.
TAMZY
You Johnny, have
become an utter,
desperate fool! No
other woman gives a
fuck about you!
Online dating, bahahaha!
JOHNNY nods in agreement/is convinced.
JOHNNY
Yeah.
TAMZY
You want to know I’m real?
Get in the bedroom.
TAMZY gestures at herself, then JOHNNY to the bedroom.
JOHNNY
Oh, ok. But you are
aware this is my first
time?
JOHNNY begins to walk off to the bedroom with TAMZY.
TAMZY
Bah, fuck experience.
Animals mate all the
time, no fuss about
experience.
INT. TAMZY’s bedroom. Night.
The lights are dim. There are piles of photos, and missing notices of JOHNNY all over the floor, surfaces and walls of the bedroom. TAMZY is straddling JOHNNY, having crazed sex with him, and holding a gun to his face.
TAMZY
Don't come yet Johnny!
Don't come yet!
JOHNNY looks at the gun in his face.
JOHNNY
I don't think I can
come anyway.
TAMZY
Alright, now fuck
me hard Johnny.
TAMZY gets on her back, and JOHNNY starts thrusting into her.
TAMZY
Harder!... Harder!
EX-BOYFRIEND
Hey!
TAMZY and JOHNNY freeze. JOHNNY looks behind him, and he and TAMZY see a large man, wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket, standing behind the bed, TAMZY's EX-BOYFRIEND. The EX-BOYFRIEND growls at JOHNNY.
EX-BOYFRIEND
What you doing
fucking my girlfriend?!
JOHNNY falls back onto the bed next to TAMZY.
JOHNNY
Woah!
TAMZY
No, I'm not your
girlfriend anymore!
JOHNNY looks at TAMZY, then back at the EX-BOYFRIEND.
JOHNNY
Err, yeah. She's
my girlfriend.
EX-BOYFRIEND
You wanna fuck my
girlfriend?
The EX-BOYFRIEND takes out a gun, aims, and starts shooting at JOHNNY.
JOHNNY
Baaaa!
TAMZY
Baaaa!
JOHNNY and TAMZY shriek and dive off the bed.
TAMZY
Here!
TAMZY grabs another gun off the bedside table and flings it to JOHNNY.
JOHNNY
Geez! This is the sort
of drama I wanted to
avoid... Aaaaah!
JOHNNY ducks and runs away out the bedroom holding the gun, amid the gunfire.
EX-BOYFRIEND
Oh, what a wuss!
TAMZY points her gun at the EX-BOYFRIEND.
TAMZY
Hey! Don't you
hurt him, you liar!
TAMZY screams the word 'liar', and starts firing at the EX-BOYFRIEND. The EX-BOYFRIEND ducks but is shot in the side of his abdomen.
EX-BOYFRIEND
Hey, back-off you
silly cunt!
The EX-BOYFRIEND ducks and fires back at TAMZY, who fires and runs over the bed and out the bedroom.
EXT. TAMZY’s house. Night
TAMZY follows JOHNNY as he runs out the front door of the house. The EX-BOYFRIEND follows them, shooting at them.
INT. Children's play cafe/restaurant. Night.
JOHNNY runs back into the restaurant, which is now closed/empty. JOHNNY looks at his gun, to figure out how to use it.
JOHNNY
How do I use one of
these?
JOHNNY points the gun downward slightly, and pulls the trigger on the gun, and fires a shot.
JOHNNY
Alright.
TAMZY runs in shooting back at the EX-BOYFRIEND.
The EX-BOYFRIEND runs in shooting at both TAMZY and JOHNNY, then he starts chasing and shooting at JOHNNY, who gets on the play equipment.
EX-BOYFRIEND
You wussy fucker!
(beat)
You're too wussy
to be fucking my
girlfriend!
The EX-BOYFRIEND follows JOHNNY onto the play equipment, and a skirmish ensues between them on the play equipment.
TAMZY
Leave him alone!
(beat)
Liar!
TAMSY follows the EX-BOYFRIEND onto the play equipment to try and shoot at him. They are all hit several times in their sides.
The EX-BOYFRIEND eventually corners and shoots JOHNNY in the leg and chest area, and he falls into the ball-pit. The EX-BOYFRIEND and TAMZY watch him fall. TAMZY gasps.
TAMZY
You bastard!
TAMZY shoots at the EX-BOYFRIEND, who ducks and returns fire.
EX-BOYFRIEND
Back-off you
crazy bitch!
TAMZY is then shot in the lower arm, causing her to drop her gun. The EX-BOYFRIEND stops firing, and approaches her.
EX-BOYFRIEND
You want another one?!
The EX-BOYFRIEND is then shot in the head.
JOHNNY
Hey, don't hurt her!
The EX-BOYFRIEND falls down to the ball-pit. TAMZY looks over at JOHNNY, who is lying injured, but has his arm raised, with his gun in hand, after shooting the EX-BOYFRIEND.
JOHNNY drops his arm and smiles at TAMZY, who smiles back in appreciation/admiration. JOHNNY shakes his head.
JOHNNY
This is crazy.
EXT. Front of hospital. Day.
JOHNNY walks with a limp out of a hospital, wearing some bandages, and walks past us/the camera, and speaks to us/the camera bemused.
JOHNNY
This must be another
dream.
JOHNNY walks up to and gets in a car being driven by TAMZY. They both hug and kiss, then drive off.
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