Finding Your Self Worth

AnorexiaNervosa

Finding Your Self Worth

I step on the scale. I look down at those numbers that are never quite low enough. Sometimes I adjust the scale so it starts on five so I can subtract five pounds later. Unfortunately I am not alone. Thousands of adolescent girls step on the scale each morning and are disappointed by the numbers. Thousands of girls stand in front of the mirror and look at all their "flaws". Why do we do this? Why do we have a compulsive need to be super thin? And why do the super thin still feel they are too fat?

My main problem was my inner thighs; I did not want that little bulge. I did everything in my power to get rid of it. I also wanted to be lighter so I could go up more in cheering. I exercised and cut back on what I ate. If I was hungry I ate raw pasta to fill me up. When people asked how much I weighed I would not tell them 98 pounds, I would always lie and say 115.

Almost all anorexics have distorted images of themselves. When they look into the mirror they do not see what everyone else sees. They see fat and unattractiveness. They look at individual parts of their body. They usually don't look at the overall image of their bodies. They are compulsive exercisers but they do not tend to notice the emaciation in themselves as they do in others. (Ruben, 1984)

Anorexia Nervosa occurs fifteen times more in females than in males and usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood. It affects normal people from the middle or upper classes. Anorexics are usually withdrawn, have low self esteem, and strive for perfection in just about everything they do. Anorexics are more introverted, more anxious, and more dependent than women whose weight is normal. (Abraham, 1987)

Throughout high school, exercise was a big thing for me. After school I would go straight to the track to run a mile. I would then go home and watch an hour and a half of soap operas. I would not allow myself to watch any television without riding the exercise bike. After, I would head back to school for a two hour practice or a game. At night I would go into my room and ride the bike for another hour, hour and a half while listening to music so my parents wouldn't know I was exercising. I would then do sit ups, leg lifts, squats, and arm exercises. I would do anything to achieve the "perfect body" but it didn't seem to matter how much I did because I never achieved my goal.

There are many physical changes that occur as a result of the lack of nourishment. Dry skin, thinning hair, bruising easily, amenorrhoea, hyperactivity, and always being cold are such results. I had dry skin, I bruised easily; I was always doing something; I experienced amenorrhoea, and I was always cold. Everyday I wore my long underwear under my clothes. The standing joke with the cheering squad was that they were all going to buy me gloves so I would have a pair for every outfit and every occasion.

Anorexics often collect and read books and magazine articles relating to food, dieting, and body weight. (Abraham, 1987) Anything I could get my hands on captivated me. My main fascination was with Karen Carpenter. It started with the TV movie about her life. I had taped it and would often put it in the VCR on the weekends to workout to. I went out and got all their tapes. When I found out a biography was finally being written about her life I was so excited I couldn't wait to buy it. I read it from cover to cover. I was obsessed with her.

Merryl Reichbach, director of Women's Services at PSC says, "I don't think we live in a culture that says it's OK to have a beautiful, regular size body." (personal interview) Part of the problem stems from the media. The media is full of young, sticklike models. They are plastered on billboards, on television and throughout magazines. Young girls see this and think this is how they should look. Young girls feel that thin women are successful, attractive, happy, fit and popular. The girls feel that when they too look like that, will be the only time they are accepted by society.

Another problem is that most anorexics have low self esteem. They feel that only when they starve themselves will people care about them. In some cases, women suffering from anorexia are afraid of growing up and becoming sexually mature. By not eating, they make themselves less attractive to men therefore avoiding the problems of adolescence. "Anorexics are revolting against the woman's body, against a culture that is trying to control you." says Merryl Reichbach.

Therapists have repeatedly observed that Anorexia Nervosa usually begins after a stressful life event. The two most common times for its development are the transition period between junior and senior high school, and high school and college. I started my anorexic patterns in ninth grade, in senior high school. Anorexics often feel that their life is out of control and the one thing they can control is their weight. (Neuman, 1983) Merryl Reichbach says,” I think the anorexia is a very sane way of trying to make something work. She is saying OK, if I'm going to be a woman, I'm going to have control over what I look like."

Borderline anorexics are similar yet they are not quite out of control. In today's society, I believe most women are borderline anorexics. How many women do you know count calories? Eat fatfree foods? Exercise consistently trying to obtain the "perfect body"? How many times have you or someone you know said, "I ate way too much yesterday so today I'm not going to eat as much"?

Anorexics have a tremendous fear of getting fat. They try to starve themselves and will lie and deceive loved ones about their eating habits. When I would get home at night from practice my mom would always try to get me to eat. I would always lie and say I wasn't hungry because I had eaten a lot after school. I would make up these extravagant stories of what I had eaten. None of it was true. When my mom did get me to fix a plate of food I would feed it to the dog, move things around on my plate or spit things into my napkin.

Many times anorexics will deny that they have a problem or won't even realize it. It wasn't until I came here, gained 30 pounds, went back home and had everyone comment on my weight and how good I looked, that I realized I did look good. I actually had a figure with curves. My cousins from California, that I saw for the first time in seven years, wondered why I was eating because they had been told I was anorexic. I don't know what changed inside of me. My mom says that weight gain is a sign that you're happy. Maybe the transition to college is what I needed. The fact that anorexics don't realize the problem or deny it makes treatment very difficult. When I came to school I was a size 3; now I am a size 8. I don't talk about my weight in high school. Sometimes I wish that I looked that way again, but I keep telling myself that this is the way I'm supposed to look. I was lucky. I never had to go into a hospital for treatment.

Recovery is a multifaceted occurrence, achieved in varying degrees from marginal to complete and involving not only a gain in weight but also in social and emotional development. (Neuman, 1983) Merryl Reichbach believes that "recovery comes from finding your voice within the whole load of crap that comes to us from our friends, boyfriends or girlfriends, and our culture."

There are many different treatments and the one that works best varies from person to person. An anorexic has to want to get better. If it is serious, full time treatment in a hospital is used. Treatment is psychological and nutritional. Sometimes drug therapy is used because of depression. (Ruben, 1984) Expressive therapy is a popular approach. Treatment comes from writing, art, music, sports, dance etc. Merryl Reichbach feels that this is one of the best treatments because "it goes right to your body which is the heart of the wound." Forced weight gain is one of the least effective approaches. It doesn't work because anorexia is so much about control and being forced fed gives up the only control anorexics feel they have. Merryl Reichbach says, "I think the therapist wants to point to the culture it's not you with the sickness, you're living in a culture that is sick in terms of its attitudes towards women's bodies."

Treatment can be expensive but if you have insurance you may not have to pay anything. Here at the college you can get help for free, regardless if you have insurance or not. Fifty percent of diagnosed anorexics recover completely within two to five years. Eighteen percent of diagnosed anorexics do remain ill and as many as one half have a relapse. Some do a complete 360 and become compulsive eaters and end up either obese or bulimics. (Neuman, 1983) Most anorexics deal with it for the rest of their lives. They have to make a conscious effort not to fall back into old habits and to keep reassuring themselves that this is how they should look. It is a constant battle to accept yourself as you are. I find that I cannot have any scales in my house because if I did I would definitely fall back into my old patterns. Imagine what our culture would be like if we transformed the obsessions that presently rule our lives into an obsession to change to way society and our culture view women and their bodies. Until these unfair and unreasonable expectations of how our bodies should look are changed, our culture will continue to produce victims of anorexia nervosa and other disorders.

Works Cited

Abraham, Suzanne (1987) Eating Disorders, the Facts

New York: Oxford University Press

Neuman, Patricia A. (1983) Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia

New York: Van Nostrand Reingold Company

Reichbach, Merryl; Director of Women's Services, Personal Interview:

November 29, 1995

Ruben, Douglas H. (1984) Anorexia Nervosa and Eating Disorders Guilford,

Connecticut: Special Learning Corporation