POLAROID
by
Jeroen van den Berg
© 2000
English translation
by
© Rina Vergano
CREATIVE TRANSLATIONS
for performing rights contact
Rosica Colin Ltd
1 Clareville Grove Mews, London SW7 5AH
(+ 44) 0207 370 1080
Polaroid was premiered on 9 September 2000 in Theater a/d Rijn in Amsterdam, the Netherlands
CAST
DE JONGE Chris Montanus
HENK/BARMAN Frans de Wit
VOORTMAN/PETER Ad Knippels
LYDIA/JOYCE Trudi Klever
WEGER Boris van der Ham
THE NIGHT-PHOTOGRAPHER Herman van Keulen
COACH Ivar van Urk
THE PLAY IS PERFORMED ON A CIRCULAR REVOLVING FLOOR, SO THAT EACH SET CAN BE REVOLVED OFF IN ORDER TO MAKE WAY FOR THE NEXT. IN THE PARTITION ON THE REVOLVING FLOOR THERE IS A WINDOW WHICH CAN BE COVERED WITH A PANEL, SO THAT EACH SCENE CAN BE PLAYED IN AN ‘OPEN’ OR A ‘CLOSED’ SPACE, ACCORDING TO CHOICE. (SOMETIMES IT IS NECESSARY TO COVER THE WINDOW SO THAT A NEW SET CAN BE PUT IN PLACE FROM BEHIND. THE PARTITION ALSO SERVES AS A PROJECTION SCREEN FOR THE VIDEO).
Characters:
WEGER One of the founders of WEGER, VOORTMAN & DE JONGE
VOORTMAN The other founder of WEGER, VOORTMAN & DE JONGE
DE JONGE Bought himself in to WEGER, VOORTMAN & DE JONGE
JOYCE P.A. at WEGER, VOORTMAN & DE JONGE
HENK Employee at WEGER, VOORTMAN & DE JONGE
PETER Singer
LYDIA Actress in TV soap THE STOCK EXCHANGE
THE BARMAN Barman
VOORTMAN and PETER must be played by the same actor
LYDIA and JOYCE must be played by the same actress
HENK and THE BARMAN must be played by the same actor
THE NIGHT-
PHOTOGRAPHER A man with a bunch of roses and a Polaroid camera
COACH Receives people onto his programme
1. HENK IN THE OFFICE
Henk, a man of around 40, fat, wearing a smart suit and tie, is sitting contentedly at a huge desk. Apart from a photograph and a computer screen and keyboard, the desk is virtually empty. The office is at the top of a high-rise office block, behind Henk is a large window, brilliant blue sky.
HENK
(sitting contentedly at a desk) Our office. The mirrored façade towers over everything, reflecting the whole city, and it’s not everyone who can take that, down there. Hear them growling. (opens a window, the sound of the traffic grows louder). Their bark’s worse than their bite. And anyway, you’re so high up here, no-one can see what you’re doing. Sometimes this floor sticks out above the clouds. Down below it’s grey, up here the photo of your wife and children sparkles in the sun. Think of us. (speaks to the photo on his desk) I’m doing this for you guys. This here (motions round the room) this is all for you. For us, my darling. (shows the photo). As if she knew that one day she’d be standing here on my desk, eh. As if she wants to say: well done, I’m proud of you. Her portrait is constantly illuminated by the sun here. The most beautiful woman in the world deserves that.
(the sound of a siren in the distance) Hear that, they’re all beavering away down there, they all want to get higher up too, stick out above the clouds, always be in the sun, let’s be honest. (walks to the window, looks out) Hello world. Plodders. From up here, I can’t imagine your chaos. (leans backwards) Up here it’s quiet. Thinking paradise. Up here you tower over everything and still manage to keep both feet on the ground. What a perspective. God. (leans back and forth in his chair) You can go any way up here. Forwards and backwards, left and right. You can even do the opposite to what you say. Forwards and backwards, left and right. (moves in the opposite direction to what he says, gets confused) Extremely difficult, have to work on it. (concentrates, with his eyes closed) Forwards and backwards–
Voortman and PA Joyce enter, are surprised to find Henk there. Voortman is younger than Henk, but is unfortunately going prematurely thin on top. He is wearing a slightly more expensive and fashionable suit than Henk. Voortman is an ambitious, but also nervous, man, who always seems to be extremely busy. Joyce is very well-groomed, with black shoulder-length hair. She is wearing a slightly over-showy dress as if she is on her way to a party.
VOORTMAN:
What’s going on.
HENK
(gets up quickly and stands by his chair) A very good morning to you.
VOORTMAN
Never mind that. What’s going on now.
HENK
Yesterday evening I forgot to-
VOORTMAN
What’s going on now. If I meant yesterday evening I’d ask what was going on yesterday evening.
HENK
I can explain.
VOORTMAN
You’ve already got a problem then, eh. If things need to be explained. Clarity Henk. Do you know that word. Clarity.
HENK
Yes.
VOORTMAN
Well then.
HENK
Hallo Joyce.
JOYCE
Hallo Henk.
VOORTMAN
And don’t ever touch that photo of my family Henk.
HENK
You’ve got a beautiful wife Voortman.
VOORTMAN
My point exactly.
HENK
Of course.
VOORTMAN
Precisely. Get out.
HENK
Listen, Voortman, do you know that joke about the three members of the board who on the fifth anniversary of their-
VOORTMAN
Hey Henk. (looks at his watch) How much do you think I earn an hour.
HENK
No idea.
VOORTMAN
Be assured that these are expensive seconds.
HENK
Okay okay. (winks at Joyce, exits)
VOORTMAN
(slaps his lap with his hands) Come over here.
JOYCE
Who’s going to do the speech this evening.
VOORTMAN
Eh.
JOYCE
At the party. Who’s going to do the speech do you think?
VOORTMAN
We haven’t discussed it yet. (slaps his lap again) Come over-
JOYCE
I think you should do it.
VOORTMAN
I’m more of a thinker-
JOYCE
You’re far too modest.
VOORTMAN
Come off it Joyce-
JOYCE
You’ve got presence. Leadership qualities. Something happens when you walk into the office Hans.
VOORTMAN
I know that-
JOYCE
That’s not enough.
VOORTMAN
Okay-
JOYCE
You’ve got to take action, carve out a position-
VOORTMAN
You’re right Joyce-
JOYCE
Of course. You have a right to it Hans Voortman. You are the obvious person to do that speech.
VOORTMAN
That’s why there’s a big chance that I will do it Joyce.
JOYCE
You’ve got to know for sure.
VOORTMAN
Of course of course-
JOYCE
I dreamt of us last night. You were standing there. In a fantastic suit. A spellbound audience hanging on your every word-
VOORTMAN
Really?
JOYCE
And you only had eyes for me- You were so sexy Hans-
VOORTMAN
(coughs)
JOYCE
You’ve got to do it Hans. The time’s ripe for it. I can feel it.
VOORTMAN
And I will do it Joyce.
JOYCE
(sits down on his lap) Amazing. (kisses him, goes to leave)
VOORTMAN
(holds her back) Look at me.
JOYCE
I’m not going to spend ages-
HENK
Just a moment.
JOYCE
(looks at him)
VOORTMAN
You do things to me Joyce. Honestly. (embraces her)
(pats him matter-of-factly on the back, whilst looking at the photo of Voortman’s family) Are you sure those are your sons.
VOORTMAN
Of course-
JOYCE
They’re so bloody ugly.
VOORTMAN
Put that photograph down- (tries to take the photo away from her)
JOYCE
It must be awful to have ugly children. How can you love them.
VOORTMAN
All children are ugly at that age.
JOYCE
That’s not true-
VOORTMAN
Oh come off it Joyce, every afternoon classfulls of little monsters empty onto the streets-
JOYCE
That whole family doesn’t look like your family, not the way I know you-
VOORTMAN
Fucking hell. (takes the photo, walks away from her)
JOYCE
D’you know Hans. I feel that we have a good combination of genes.
VOORTMAN
You can’t feel that.
JOYCE
What sort of photograph would you have on your desk then.
VOORTMAN
I’ve been sterilised.
JOYCE
That’s not irreversible.
VOORTMAN
I don’t want to discuss it any more Joyce.
JOYCE
Okay. (silence, Voortman is unsure what kind of attitude to strike)
JOYCE
Nervous-
VOORTMAN
(looks at his watch) Shit. (gets up) I must fly Joyce-
JOYCE
Hans. (Voortman stops by the door) Without me you’d be a very conventional little man and you know it. I add lustre to your existence. (exits)
2. IN THE OFFICE, WEGER’S SPEECH
Weger is giving a speech, in front of a microphone. Voortman and de Jonge stand next to him, exuding stability. They are lit by a bright spotlight, as if they are standing infront of a room full of people. Weger is wearing a suit which is smart but sporty, he looks young and successful, clearly the boss, the slick manager type. De Jonge is clearly the youngest of the three, looks a little lost.
WEGER
Good evening. It’s great to see you all on this marvellous evening and I mean that seriously, it is a marvellous evening, if it was a crap evening I’d say so, I’m not here to spin you a line, I’m here to tell it how it is. At Weger, Voortman and de Jonge we don’t beat about the bush. That’s just the way we are and that’s exactly what people want. Clear leadership, clear language, that’s what’s made us big the past five years and that’s definitely what will keep us growing in the future. And if we don’t keep on growing, then we don’t keep on growing, I mean, growing, it’s only a word after all, one of the many words that exist. Hans, Paul and I have always done exactly as we wanted, done what we thought was good. We’ve never taken the blindest bit of notice of how things are done, or how things are supposed to be and gradually we’ve become what we are today and yeah, I have to tell you that five years ago I wouldn’t have expected it, that I’d be standing here today, because Christ, it’s really gone well. We’re doing well, the company’s doing well. I could bore you all to tears with graphs and trading results, but I’m not going to do that. Anyone can project a slide of a graph, anyone can throw together a favourable trading result, it doesn’t prove a thing. That smile playing around Voortman’s lips and that brand new suit of de Jonge’s say more than any old prognosis. Look at the cars in our parking lot. Your lovely faces, no jumpy chain-smokers, bloodshot boozy eyes, go and have a look at the coats hanging up in the cloakroom, the ski-ing holiday you’ve just come back from. The lorry-load of sushi that’s going to be arriving any moment. That’s further proof that here at Weger, Voortman and de Jonge we know what we want and we all go for it, just go for it, because we like it. Because we want to work with you and you obviously rate us. Because what’s it all about eh, that particular atmosphere eh, our specific way of working. As a matter of fact I was talking to Hans about it just now, for the first time in these five years, wasn’t I Hans (Voortman nods enthusiastically) which says it all really eh, everything just bowling along and now we’re here, but anyway, the outside world always wants there to be a plan behind everything, an idea, but honestly folks, as far as we’re concerned there are no ideas behind anything, but anyway, if there’s a word you want to hear then it’s the word performance that springs to mind. That’s the only thing that counts here. Performances. That’s what makes the difference. Forget prior claims, jobs-for-the- boys, fixed patterns. That’s 60s stuff. Baby-boom. We do it differently. Not to be awkward, or out of idealism, but just because it agrees with us, because it suits us, and if we have to do it differently tomorrow, then hey we’ll just do it differently. See. That’s it. That’s flexibility. I mean. I’ll come to work tomorrow wearing shorts if someone can prove to me that that’s better. I’ll stop shaving, wear coloured contact lenses. What’s more, I’ll resign immediately if it turned out that someone else can run the business better and you can all hold me to that, because I don’t matter, just like you don’t actually matter either. We’re all just links in that great big feeling called Weger, Voortman and De Jonge. You’re just part of the chain, that’s just as true for us as it is for you. And that’s why I’m saying-
BLACK OUT
The stage turns, Voortman and Weger off, De Jonge remains standing, Coach revolves on.
3. COACH AND DE JONGE
Coach receives De Jonge in a setting which looks like a talkshow, small side-table, two chairs.
COACH
(looks at an index card) You’re Paul and I’m Coach. Welcome Paul. May I call you Paul.
DE JONGE
I er-
COACH
Are you in a hurry?
DE JONGE
I don’t know-
COACH
Have a seat then. (de Jonge sits down) You’ve just been standing listening to a speech that was much too long- what a load of rubbish, that man was just saying any old thing-
DE JONGE
Mm.
COACH
And now you’re suddenly here. What a surprise eh.
DE JONGE
Yeah.
COACH
Mm. Yeah. Riveting conversationalist you are, Paul. (laughs at his own comment)
DE JONGE
It’s all a bit overwhelming.
COACH
(still laughing) Look at that face, completely at a loss eh. Magic. God. Am I pleased to have you on my programme. I mean it. I’ve been following you all your life. Rest assured that I’m a fan of yours. Was. No. Am. Oh yes still am. I can still see the potential. And you. Do you think things are still more or less okay.