I Think My Dad Is Dracula

I Think My Dad is Dracula

I think my dad is Dracula.
I know that sounds insane,
but listen for a moment and
allow me to explain.
We don't live in a castle,
and we never sleep in caves.
But, still, there's something weird
about the way my dad behaves.
I never see him go out
in the daytime when it's light.
He sleeps all day till evening,
then he leaves the house at night.
He comes home in the morning
saying, "Man, I'm really dead!"
He kisses us goodnight, and then
by sunrise he's in bed.
My mom heard my suspicion
and she said, "You're not too swift.
Your father's not a vampire.
He just works the graveyard shift."
--Kenn Nesbitt
I'm Staying Home From School Today
I'm staying home from school today.
I'd rather be in bed
pretending that I have a pain
that's pounding in my head.
I'll say I have a stomach ache.
I'll claim I've got the flu.
I'll shiver like I'm cold
and hold my breath until I'm blue.
I'll fake a cough. I'll fake a sneeze.
I'll say my throat is sore.
If necessary I can throw
a tantrum on the floor.
I'm sure I'll get away with it.
Of that, there's little doubt.
But, even so, I really hope
my students don't find out.
--Kenn Nesbitt

Don't Ever Bite Your Sister

Don't ever bite your sister.
Don't kick her in the shin.
Don't slap your sister silly
and don't sock her on the chin.
Don't tape a "Kick Me" poster
upon your sister's back.
Don't take your stinky socks off
and then put them in her pack.
Don't purchase plastic spiders
and place them on her head.
Don't leave your rubber rattlesnake
inside your sister's bed.
Don't do this to your sister
for, if you ever do,
I'm pretty sure she may do something
even worse to you.
--Kenn Nesbitt

All My Great Excuses

I started on my homework
but my pen ran out of ink.
My hamster ate my homework.
My computer's on the blink.
I accidentally dropped it
in the soup my mom was cooking.
My brother flushed it down the toilet
when I wasn't looking.
My mother ran my homework
through the washer and the dryer.
An airplane crashed into our house.
My homework caught on fire.
Tornadoes blew my notes away.
Volcanoes struck our town.
My notes were taken hostage
by an evil killer clown.
Some aliens abducted me.
I had a shark attack.
A pirate swiped my homework
and refused to give it back.
I worked on these excuses
so darned long my teacher said,
"I think you'll find it's easier
to do the work instead."
--Kenn Nesbitt

Bad Bertie Bartigan

When Bad Bertie Bartigan strode into town,
he held up the bank and his britches fell down.
"Dad gum it!" he spluttered. "Gawl durn it! Aw, shoot!"
then picked up his britches, but fumbled the loot.
He lit out of town in a mad-scramble dash.
He still had his pants, but he'd lost all the cash.
The stagecoach was passing that moment, by chance.
He held up the stagecoach, and down went his pants.
"Dag nab it!" he blurted. "Dad blame it! Aw, no!"
then hoisted his trousers, but dropped all the dough.
He ran for the hills with his britches held high,
but Bertie was broke and he wanted to cry.
And, as he was running, he spotted the train,
so Bertie, who wasn't renowned for his brain,
said, "This is a hold up!" His pants hit the deck.
"Garsh dang it!" he stammered. "Dog gone it. Aw, heck."
He ran away clutching his britches again,
straight into the sheriff and all of his men.
They busted Bad Bertie and tossed him in jail,
to wait for his sentence with no chance of bail.
And, there in the hoosegow, in handcuffs and chains,
he held up no bank tellers, coaches, or trains.
"Dad blast it! Tarnation! Aw, Sam Hill!" he said,
then stood there and held up his britches instead.
--Kenn Nesbitt

For My Brother, On His Birthday

For my brother, on his birthday,
I was generous and kind.
As his sister, I was glad to get
the best things I could find.
I was sure he'd want a tutu
and a purple mini-skirt,
with some ballerina slippers
and a sequin-covered shirt.
I expected he'd want lots of dolls.
I knew he'd need a bike,
so I picked a pink and sparkly one
I figured he would like.
I selected a tiara
like a princess ought to wear,
plus a bunch of bows and ribbons
and some scrunchies for his hair.
I'm aware I'm much too generous
with presents but, you see,
he deserves it. On my birthday
he bought baseball cards for me.
--Kenn Nesbitt