Peter Panto
Scene 1
Voice over: Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls tonight we present to you Peter Panto. However before the pantomime begins we’d just like to inform you that due to the recession many beloved pantomime characters have been axed from their jobs. However we at Peter Panto don’t like to see any Pantomime characters on the streets. So your hosts for tonight all the way from Aladdin and Cinderella. Put your hands together for Buttons and Wishy Washy.
(Buttons and Wishy Washy enter)
Buttons: (To audience.) Hello their boys and girls! This person to my right (Points to Wishy Washy) Is Wishy Washy.
Wishy Washy: And this person to my right…
(Wishy Washy points to his right where no one is.)
Buttons: Left.
Wishy Washy: (To Buttons.)I’m sorry?
Buttons: I’m on your left.
Wishy Washy: Why did I do something wrong?
Buttons: Yes. You said and pointed right.
Wishy Washy: If I did it right why are you complaining?
Buttons: No I didn’t mean right as in correct. I mean right as in left and right.
Wishy Washy: (Confused) I’m confused.
Buttons: Never mind. I’m Buttons. So now that you know who’s who. When we say hello everybody we want to hear you respond in your biggest and loudest voices ‘Hello Buttons and Wishy Washy.’ Okay? So are you ready?
Buttons & Wishy Washy: Hello everybody
(Audience respond.)
Buttons: (To Wishy Washy) Did you hear anything?
Wishy Washy: Yes.
Buttons: What? No you’re meant to say no to encourage them to shout louder.
Wishy Washy: Oh I see. (Lying) Actually I couldn’t hear anything
Buttons: I agree. (To audience) You’re going to have to do better than that we said...
Buttons and Wishy Washy: Hello everybody
(Audience response.)
Buttons: That’s better. Now…
Wishy Washy: Oh sorry could I just go there’s something I really need to do.
Buttons: Well can it not wait? We’re on stage.
Wishy Washy: Not really.
Buttons: Fine. You go then, I’ll carry on.
Wishy Washy: Thanks.
(Wishy Washy exits stage right.)
Buttons: So are you all excited to see the show we have for you tonight?
(Audience respond.)
Buttons: You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to see the show. I said are you all excited to see the show we have for you tonight?
(Audience respond.)
Buttons: Excellent. However before we start the show we would like to remind you to make sure that your mobile phones are turned off during the production as…
(Buttons notices that Wishy Washy has walked re entered from stage right holding a massive mobile phone to his ear.)
Buttons: (To Wishy Washy) What are you doing?
Wishy Washy: (To Buttons) Sorry I’ll be with you in one minute, I’ve just got to finish this call, if that’s alright?
Buttons: Actually it’s not alright. I’m standing here trying to explain to the audience why they shouldn’t have their mobiles on during our pantomime and you come on stage holding a mobile undermining everything I’m saying. So could you please turn it off?
Wishy Washy: But it’s Wendy, and I..
Buttons: Wendy! Agh. Turn. It. Off!
(Wishy Washy tries to switch it off)
Wishy Washy: It won’t turn off!
Buttons: What do you mean it won’t turn off?
Wishy Washy: It just won’t turn off. How do you usually turn off a mobile?
Buttons: The same way everyone else turns their mobiles off, by hitting buttons.
(Wishy Washy whacks Buttons round the head with the mobile. Buttons gets up shocked rubbing his head.)
Buttons: What did you do that for?
Wishy Washy: You told me to turn off a mobile I should hit buttons. So I hit you.
Buttons: No I didn’t mean as in me Buttons. I mean as in buttons on the phone. Just give it here.
(Buttons starts pressing buttons on the mobile.)
Buttons: Oh no you’re right. It won’t turn off! Why won’t it turn off? I’ll just see what the tech guys can do. Can you do this bit?
(Buttons leaves)
Wishy Washy: Oh right, yes, setting the scene
(Wishy Washy looks behind him at the lack of set.)
Wishy Washy: Not that there is much set to the scene. Right. It’s the night before Christmas in the Darling’s house. In which lived George Darling and his wife Mary Darling along with their three children. Michael, John and of course Wendy. (Daydreams about Wendy.) Buttons is right you know. I do go on about Wendy a lot. But that’s only because I love her. And I’ve decided I’m going to ask her out the next time I see her. I mean what’s not to love about her? She’s so kind.
Wendy: (Off stage.) Get here you!
Wishy Washy: Gentle.
Wendy: (Off stage.) Ha ha. Now you’re going to die.
Wishy Washy: And mature beyond her years.
(Wendy enters in a homemade Peter Pan costume.)
Wendy: Pretending to be Peter Pan is so much fun. (Sees Wishy Washy.) Wishy Washy!
Wishy Washy: Wendy!
Wendy: What ever are you doing here?
Wishy Washy: Well you see Wendy there’s something I want to ask you.
Wendy: Sure.
Wishy Washy: Would you…like to go out?
Wendy: (Shocked. Starts to let him down gently) Oh my! Oh Wishy Washy you see it’s not that I don’t like you but…
Wishy Washy: To the shops and buy me a Christmas present.
Wendy: Huh?
Wishy Washy: Would you like to out to the shops and buy me a Christmas present? It’s just Christmas is tomorrow and I think you should get me a present.
Wendy: Well actually Buttons I’ve already got you one.
(Wendy holds up a Christmas present wrapped up.)
Wendy: Look.
(Wishy Washy takes Christmas present off her.)
Wishy Washy: (Not meaning it.) Oh thanks.
Lines cut
(Wishy Washy and Buttons exit stage right.)
Mr Darling/John/Michael:(Off stage.) Wendy!
(John enters from stage left.)
John: Wendy have you seen my 2000 word essay. I placed it on my desk this morning and now it has gone.
(Wendy takes origami hat off her head. Which she has made out of a John’s essay. She hands it him.)
John: Are you being serious?
Wendy: Sorry I needed it to make a Peter Pan hat.
John: Are you mad woman? Why didn’t you use any of the other paper we have in the house?
Wendy: I couldn’t find any.
John: You are unbelievable.
(John walks exits stage left. Michael enters stage right he is wearing a baby grow.)
Michael: Oy! Wendy!
Wendy: (Baby voice.) Oh hello Michael and how are you today?
Michael: Spare me the niceties. Where’s my favourite bib? I know you’ve had it.
Wendy: Oh sorry. Here it is.
(Wendy pulls out and hands Michael a big white bib with a treasure map drawn on it.)
Michael: What’s this?
Wendy: Your bib silly.
Michael: Really? That’s funny because the last I remember my bib was white.
Wendy: Oh that’s because I was playing Peter Pan so I had drawn a treasure map on it.
Michael: Yes I can see that? Was there something wrong with all the paper in our house?
Wendy: I couldn’t find any.
Michael: (Sarcastic) Fantastic. Well the next time you have homework to do and you can’t find any paper feel free to use the content of my wardrobe.
Wendy: Thanks
Michael: I was being sarcastic. You baby.
(Michael takes his bib, puts a Dummy in and walks off.)
Mr Darling: (Off stage.) Wendy!
Wendy: Yes Father.
(Mr Darling enters from stage left holding his dinner jacket)
Mr Darling: Could you please explain Wendy why I’ve found my best dinner jacket thrown on the floor?
Wendy: Certainly. Because I needed to use the coat hanger your dinner jacket was hanging on for Captain Hook’s hook when I was playing Peter Pan.
Mr Darling: Not this Peter Pan nonsense again!
Wendy: It’s not nonsense Daddy, it real.
Mr Darling: Don’t be ridiculous. Peter Pan isn’t real.
Now go and brush my jacket down, as I need for my works Christmas party tonight.
Wendy: Am I still looking after John and Michael while you’re out tonight?
Mr Darling: Don’t be absurd! How on earth can I trust you too babysit when you still believe in Peter Pan. Nana will be babysitting tonight. (Calling.) Nana!
(The family’s Nan enters from stage left. She is an elderly lady with a walking stick.)
Nan: Sorry dear didn’t quite catch that. Did you say that I’d be looking after the children tonight.
Mr Darling: No! I didn’t mean you, you old crow. I said Nana not Nan. Now get back in your cupboard.
(Mr Darling drags Nan off stage, to stage left wing. He then re enters.)
Nan:(Off stage.) Oh please let me look after the children.
Mr Darling: For the last time no! Your moustache gives them nightmares. Now where’s Nana?
Wendy: I can’t believe you’re trusting Nana over me.
Mr Darling: Why wouldn’t I?
Wendy: Well for one Nana is a…
SFX – ‘Who let the dogs out’ by Baha men
(Nana the dog enters from centre stage.)
Wendy: …Dog.
Mr Darling: Yes but not just any dog. Nana is a very good dog. Look. (To Nana.) Nana roll over.
(Nana does a summer salt.)
Mr Darling: Nana beg.
(Option 1. Nana brings on a guitar case opens it up takes out guitar and starts paying the guitar, while the guitar case is still open. Mr Darling throws money into the guitar case.)
Mr Darling: Nana play dead.
(Nana takes out a toy gun hands it Mr Darling. Mr Darling fires it at Nana. A cloth saying bang comes out the gun. Nana over dramatically pretends to have been shot and drops to the floor dying.)
Mr Darling: You see Nana will do anything I ask of her.
(Mr Darling kneels down next to Nana.. He starts tickling her on the belly.)
Mr Darling: (While tickling Nana. Talks to her like a baby.) Won’t you Nana? Oh yes you will. Oh yes you will.
(Mr Darling realises he has got carried away with tickling Nana and that Wendy is just staring at them. Mr Darling and Nana stand up.)
Mr Darling: Wendy did I not tell you to go and brush my jacket down?
Wendy: But…
Mr Darling: No buts get going.
(Wendy exits stage right with jacket.)
Mr Darling:(To Nana.) Now Nana…
Nan:(Off stage.) Yes Dear?
Mr Darling: No not you I…(To audience.) Maybe it would be easier just to re name the dog. Hmm, how about Lucky?
(Nana holds up a sign saying ‘so obvious’)
Mr Darling: Um... Frou frou?
(Nana holds up a sign saying ‘you’ve got to be kidding?’)
Mr Darling: Fine! You tell me.
(Nana holds up a sign saying ‘Snoop Dog’)
Mr Darling: Really? ... ok.
Mr Darling: Perfect. Now…
Mrs Darling: (Off stage.) George!
Mr Darling: Oh no. (To audience.) Here comes my wife.
(Mrs Darling enters from stage right. She is the Dame of the show.)
Mrs Darling: Ah there you are George. (Notices audience.) Oh hello there. George why didn’t you say we had guests?
Mr Darling: I…
Mrs Darling: Quiet George. (To audience.) Now back then when I just entered not one of you wolf whistled at me. I find this rather rude. As it is very clear I am a beautiful lady who deserves to be wolf whistled at. So this is what’s going to happen. I’m going to walk off stage and when I walk back on I expect you all to wolf whistle at me as loudly as you possibly can. Got it? Good.
(Mrs Darling exits stage right. She then re-enters from stage right. When she does and the audience start wolf whistling she acts like she didn’t expect it and starts acting embarrassed by it.)
Mrs Darling: (To audience.) You shouldn’t have. (To Mr Darling.) Now George are you ready to go?
Mr Darling: See that’s the thing Mary. I was thinking maybe I should just go by myself tonight.
Mrs Darling: Why on earth would you think such a thing? It’s your works Christmas ball everyone will be taking their wives.
Mr Darling: Yes I know. It’s just…
Mrs Darling: Just what George?
Mr Darling: Well it’s like this. Some women get taken out and some women get take out. And you’re the latter.
Mrs Darling: What!
Lines cut
Mrs Darling: I’m coming whether you like it or not. Besides you owe me after what you did on Valentines Day.
Mr Darling: Oh could you stop going on about Valentines day? It wasn’t even that bad.
Mrs Darling: Wasn’t that bad?! Are you being serious?(To audience.) Do you want to know what he did boys and girls?
(Audience response.)
Mrs Darling: Last valentine’s day George asked me what I wanted and I told him not to spend that much on me, that all I want is what any woman would want on valentine’s day. Roses.
Mr Darling: Yes and why are you complaining? I got you roses.
Mrs Darling: Yes but I didn’t mean a bloody tin of roses!
(Mrs Darling pulls out a chocolate roses tin.)
Mr Darling: Fine. You can come. (Calling.) Children!
(Wendy, John and Michael enter from all different sides of the stage.)
Mr Darling: Me and your mother are going out now. So I expect you all to be on your best behaviour for Snoop Dog
Wendy/John/Michael: What?
Mr Darling: Oh did I forget to tell you we’ve renamed the dog. Now Wendy do you have my dinner jacket?
Wendy: Yes nice and clean again Daddy.
(Wendy passes the dinner jacket to Mr Darling.)
Mr Darling: Thank you.
(Mr Darling puts it on to discover it is dramatically too small for him.)
Mr Darling: What on earth have you done to this?
Wendy: Nothing I just cleaned it.
Mr Darling: How did you clean it?