Prepared by: Jan Johnston (Gerontology Specialist), Sissy Osteen (Resource Management Specialist), and Eileen St.Pierre (Personal Finance Specialist), OklahomaStateUniversity, Stillwater, OK74078-6122, (405) 744-6282
Lesson presented: March 2012
Time needed to teach lesson: 30 minutes to 1 hour
Introduction
Life’s transitions can occur at any time. When they occur without warning, we are left wondering which steps to take next. This lesson will focus on identifying transitional issues and offer suggested strategies and resources for successful navigation. Each transitional issue is discussed using the following format:
- Personal story describing the issue
- The myth regarding this issue
- The myth buster or facts about this issue
- Suggestions for a new way to live
- Resources for more information
Group leaders can cover all issues or just focus on certain issues given time constraints and the life experiences of the group.
- Widowhood
Ellen lost her husband due to a long illness 3 months ago. Her friends have encouraged her to move on, as they say this will help her get over his death. Ellen finds it hard to accept invitations and worries she will lose her friends. She finds it is hard to get over this loss, even though she knows that her friends want her to be more like her normal self.
Myth: Widowhood can be overcome.
Myth Buster: Widowhood is not an illness that one can ‘get over’. Rather it is something that has happened in Ellen’s life and from which she doesn’t ‘recover’. With time and support, Ellen can learn to live with loss, finding ways to cope and integrate this loss into her new life. There is no expectation that things will return to ‘normal’.
Give yourself time to return to doing and feeling things in the ways you were doing before the life-changing event. Recognize your life has changed but you can make the most from these changes. The ability to understand you are in a new phase of life - experiencing all of the changes that come with that - will be a source of strength as you move forward.
Resource: Handout Dealing with Loss and Grief
- Divorce
Susan’s divorce from her husband became final 2 months ago. Although she’s known for a while that she needed to make this change, Susan has been surprised that her concentration and energy levels have been less than before. Her friends encourage her to get out more often, but Susan has resisted.
Myth: Divorce proceedings started by you do not affect you.
Myth Buster: The breakup of a marriage – no matter who starts it - can cause similar responses to that of the death of a spouse. In many ways, losing a life partner – through death or divorce – still signals a loss in our everyday lives. While we might expect feelings of shock when a spouse announces THEY want a divorce, it is important to recognize that there are expected stages of grief even if we initiate proceedings. The grieving process is difference for all of us, making it even more important to recognize the affects of divorce.
Living in the “acceptance” stage after divorce is more likely to happen when we identify ways to take care of ourselves. Some things to remember: avoid making decisions when thinking is not clear; take safety precautions around the house as distraction can contribute to accidents and seek support that helps you to continue to make adjustments.
- Dealing with Grief
Myra had been married for 43 years when her husband suddenly passed away last spring. Her 3 adult children – who all live out of state – came for the funeral and have been emailing and calling her frequently. She has been surprised by her strong emotions ranging from anger to sadness during this time. She often avoids answering the phone and emails. Her children say they are only trying to help.
Myth: Active family interaction is most important when dealing with grief.
Myth Buster: Our emotional and behavioral responses to grief can be changing and conflicting. One day we feel sad, the next we feel guilt. Feeling lonely as well as feeling relief can be confusing. Ranges of emotion are common in grief. Often, families aren’t considered the best audience to share deep emotional feelings. Rather, trusted objective individuals in the community – including pastors, social workers, and counselors - are some of the best sources of support at this time.
Consider talking with your family when you feel the time is right, expressing your gratitude. Letting them know that you are still experiencing loss but have found healthy outlets to talk about it can relieve the worries of other loved ones.
- Accepting Single Status
Connie’s next-door neighbor Ruth has been by her side through thick and thin. They grew up together on adjoining farms. When Connie’s husband died 4 years ago, Ruth was there to help Connie regain the desire to get out and do things again. For the past few months, Ruth and some ladies from Church have been pushing for Connie to get more involved with a family friend. Connie is beginning to think she is only acceptable to her friends if she is not single.
Myth: Accepting my single status is just giving up on myself.
Myth Buster: Accepting yourself after the death of a spouse – and your status as a single person – does not mean you are destined to forever be alone in the world. It could mean you have overcome the fears or anxieties about being single and are actively seeking ways to explore this new area of life. Often the pressure to ‘be a couple’ is rooted in the messages of others.
Being single is not a sign of defeat, but rather might be considered a sign of personal choice. You can decide not to buy in to the myths and stereotypes about living a single life that often focus on loneliness and loss of fulfillment. Acceptance of self is an important part of the grieving process. The power of choice is an important tool in making the most of your life.
- Debts of Deceased Spouse
Velma’s husband Bob died suddenly and had no will. During the years they were married she and Bob had established separate credit accounts because he had encouraged her financial independence. In the few weeks since his death, she has been receiving phone calls from Hefty Bank on a credit card debt that was on an account that was in Bob’s name only. Hefty Bank says that Velma is responsible for the debt. She believes in paying her debts but does not know what to do.
Myth: The surviving spouse can be held accountable for the debt of the deceased spouse even if it is not his or her account.
Facts: The deceased person’s estate owes the debt. State laws govern the determination of how this is handled. Velma may or not be liable for the debt. When a spouse dies and the widow is grieving, many creditors will jump in to action to try to collect on debts. It is important for the surviving spouse to know what rights they possess. It is important for Velma to contact an attorney to protect her right. The FTC has guidelines about how the debt can be collected.
Resource: FTC Handout Paying the Debts of a Deceased Relative: Who is Responsible?
- Credit and Divorce
Susan and Henry were married for 15 years. They had not been getting along well for the last 5 years so no one was surprised when they announced they were getting a divorce. They used one attorney for the divorce settlement and agreed to split all assets and debts evenly. After a year, Henry stopped making payments on a credit card account that they had held together while they were married. Now the creditor is calling Susan to collect the debt. Susan informed them that her husband was liable for the debt because he received it in the divorce.
Myth: The spouse who was ordered to pay the debt in the divorce decree is solely responsible for the debt.
Facts: The contract that Henry and Susan had with the credit card company actually trumps the divorce decree. This means that an account held jointly is the responsibility of both account holders, no matter what a state-issued divorce decree says. Additionally, failure to pay or lateness in paying this debt will show up on Susan’s credit report.
Resource: FTC Handout Credit and Divorce
- Estate Planning
Barbara has been a widow for over 10 years. Her husband died without a will and his affairs did not seem too complicated to sort out. To be honest, Barbara doesn’t want to think about making her “final” plans and has no idea what she would say to a lawyer anyway. She has two married children and 5 grandchildren, all now live in Texas. She doesn’t want to burden them with all this.
Myth: Estate planning is way too complicated for most people. Everyone will be able to sort things out after I’m gone.
Myth Buster: For most people, estate planning is not that complicated but it does require careful thought. It’s important for your loved ones to know your final wishes. It will ease their burden and allow them to focus on the happy moments they spent with you, rather than legal proceedings. In Barbara’s case, she may want to leave some special property or a small legacy to her grandchildren, which a lawyer can help her set up.
Remember to take one step at a time. Completing a family inventory is a good place to start in drawing up estate plans. The inventory should state what the asset/property is, where it is located, who owns it, the beneficiaries, how much it is worth, and how to access it. This will give you a better idea of what property to list in a will or perhaps place into a trust. Make a list of questions that you would like to ask a lawyer, no matter how simple you think they may be. Perhaps ask a friend who has gone through a similar experience to look over your list and make suggestions. References are important, so ask friends and family members for lawyer recommendations. If you feel intimidated about seeing a lawyer, ask a loved one to go with you to the appointment.
Resource: OCES T-4155 Wills and Trusts Fact Sheet (contains a Family Inventory Worksheet)
- Updating Financial Records
Julie has just gone through a tough divorce but is anxious to start her new life. But she is not looking forward to managing her own finances – her ex-husband had always managed the money in the family. She has some credit cards in both her and her ex-husband’s name. She also has a list of her assets from the divorce settlement, but has no idea what she needs to do with them. She figured the credit card company and financial institutions have already been told about her divorce and would make the necessary changes to her account.
Myth: Financial institutions and the credit card companies will be told of my divorce, so they will take care of making the necessary changes to those accounts.
Myth Buster: Whenever you go through a change in your life, it is important to update your financial records. It will not be done for you. In Julie’s case, she needs to establish her own credit record. If she keeps the joint credit card with her ex-husband, she will be liable for his debts. Julie needs to go through her list of assets and make sure they are in her name only. She needs to update the beneficiaries on those accounts or her money may end up going to her ex-husband.
The key to managing your finances is getting organized. Relax and take comfort in knowing that this is a process that is not going to happen overnight. Set realistic goals. For example, short term goals (complete in less than 3 months) may consist of setting up a home office space, ordering a copy of your credit report, and notifying the bank, credit card, and investment companies of changes in your marital status and beneficiary designations. Intermediate goals (complete in 3 to 6 months) may involve completing a household inventory and setting up an appointment with your attorney to write or change your will. Long-term goals (complete in a year or more) may include developing a system to track your expenses and establishing a regular annual time to review your records.
Resource: OCES T-4150 Organizing Household Records Fact Sheet
Lesson Evaluation
A sample evaluation form is included in this lesson.
Resources
Federal Trade Commission (1998). Credit and Divorce. Available at
Federal Trade Commission (2011). Paying the Debts of a Deceased Relative: Who is Responsible? Available at
Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service (2012). Dealing with Loss and Grief. Available at
St. Pierre, E. (2010). Wills and Trusts. Stillwater, Oklahoma: Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Fact Sheet T-4155. Available at
St. Pierre, E. (2010). Getting Your Records in Order: Organizing Household Records. Stillwater, Oklahoma: Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Fact Sheet T-4150. Available at
Oklahoma State University, U.S. Department of Agriculture, State and Local Governments Cooperating. The Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service offers its programs to all eligible persons regardless of race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age, disability, or status as a veteran, and is an equal opportunity employer.
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