The Pride of the Pickle Factory Page
1
The Pride of the Pickle Factory page
By Betty Tracy Huff
Adaptations by Charles Queary and Tori Truss
PROLOGUE
M.C.
(With PANTOMIMES holding signs)
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, parents and teachers, dogs and cats, flora and fauna, peanut butter and jelly, friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, your eyes, and most important, your hands!
PANTOMIMES holds up APPLAUSE sign.
Tonight, for the first time ever this side of the freeway, we present for your delicate and refined sensibilities, a masterpiece of the American Theatre: “The Pride of the Pickle Factory.” Effervescent with hope, bubbling with pride, frothing with anticipation, our actors will perform for you tonight, on this very stage Drama!* Comedy!* Pathos!* Bathos!* And a variety of entr’act entertainment of the highest caliber! All tailored for your enjoyment. All to undermine your best efforts to steer your children toward respectable, secure careers, by exposing the enchanting romance that is the life of the Theatre Gypsy!
Join us as we boo (PANTOMIMES hold up BOO sign) and hiss (holds up HISS sign) the dastardly devices of the Villain! * Cheer for the hero!* (holds up CHEER sign) Weep for the trials and tribulations of our heroine!* Sigh for the splendid leading lady!* Welcome the character actors—highbrow and lowbrow.* And now, with no further ado, we proudly present—(interrupted by the PANTOMIMESs who signal that the audience wasn’t responding with enough enthusiasm)
Hmmm… Looks like we have to try all that again. Remember to follow my silent friends here. (PANTOMIMES goes through all the signs again; signals “CUT” for each)
Great! Tonight, worn on our sleeves, you will see every emotion known to humankind! Now, with no further ado (looks at PANTOMIMESs for approval to continue) if I may… (PANTOMIMESs nods “yes”) we present to you, our honored guests: our opening act of the evening. Get ready cause it’s gonna be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight!
OPENING SONG: “HOT TIME IN THE OLD TOWN TONIGHT”
(Full cast song & dance)
Come along, get you ready, wear your brand, brand new gown
Cause there’s gonna be a show time in this good, good ole town
Where you know everybody and the all know you
And you gotta rabbit’s foot to keep away the hoodi-doo
RefrainWhen you hear that the acting does begin
Sit real still just to let that spirit in
And when you hear the tale
You’ll want to shout and sing
There’ll be a hot time in the old town tonight
(song cont,)When you hear the bells go ding-a-ling
All join round, and sweetly you must sing
And when the verse is through, in the chorus all join in
There’ll be a hot time in the old town tonight
There’ll be fun for everybody in that good, good ole town
For your friends are all the actors and we really like to clown
And we practiced all our dancing and we memorized our lines
And we’re ready now to show you all a good, good ole time
M.C.
Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, what you’ve been waiting for: “The Pride of the Pickle Factory”!
ACT I
SCENE 1
TURN OF THE CENTURY (1900)
The packing room of Bertha Blocker’s pickle factory. Pinned to a long table at the center is a banner which reads: “BERTHA BLOCKER’S PICKLES! THE ONLY PICKLES YOU CAN TRUST!” Bench is down right. PENELOPE and the factory workers are standing in a row behind a table, packing pickles. The first in line takes a jar from the pile, puts one pickle into it from a bowl, then slides the jar along to the next person who adds one pickle and slides jar along to nest, etc., finally to PENELOPE who ladles pickle juice into a jar from a vat at the end of the table labeled “PICKLE JUICE”. The workers get tired and slow down through the course of the song “There is a Factory in the Town” (to the tune of “there is a Tavern in the Town”.
FACTORY WORKERS (sing)
There is a factory in the town, in the town
And here the pickles weigh us down, weigh us down
We’re sinking fast in vinegar and brine
The work here is not at all divine, not divine
PENELOPE (sings)
Dear friends, let’s labor with a smile, with a smile
Forget our troubles for a while, for a while
We’ll work perfumed by pickles sour and sweet
Be grateful we’re still standing on our feet, on our feet
FREIDA
Ah, dear PENELOPE, you are truly the sunshine of Bertha Blocker’s Pickle Factory!Even though Mr. GRIMWOLD, our slave-driving manager, has kept us at our arduous task since six this morning and it is now well nigh noon, you still find spirit to sing.
PENELOPE
Yes, dear friends, I bravely hide my own exhaustion for the sake of you poor people, who do not have my natural courage.
WILMA
Without you, where would we be? I shudder to imagine a world without PENELOPE Trueheart!
IDA
A cold, dark, bleak world indeed!PENELOPE, you’re good, kind and true and beautiful and trustworthy too.
ERNESTINE
Men love your hair.
ALL WORKERS
There’s no one in the world like you.
PEARL
You’re loyal and pretty, and pure. So helpful and daring and sure.And stylishly smart.A noble heart.
RUBY
You’re an inspiration to us all. Working tirelessly, without complaint or regret. It’s a privilege to pack pickles alongside you.
ERNESTINE
I guess that makes you perfect.
PENELOPE
You left out modest. And in love!
RUBY
AHHH! PENELOPE. Who is it? Tell us!
PENELOPE
His name is MELVIN WENTWORTH.
FACTORY WORKERS
Melvin! Great name.
PENELOPE
Do you not recall how last year I spent my hard earned Fourth of July vacation at Camp Itchy Oak? It was there that I met the rich, handsome, honest, loyal, and true-blue MELVIN WENTWORTH.
FACTORY WORKERS
Great name!
PENELOPE
And one day, dear friends, he will come and take me away from all this.
SCENE 2
Jasper GRIMWOLD enters.
GRIMWOLD
Less talking and more pickle packing.
Factory workers gasp.
PENELOPE
But Mr. GRIMWOLD, surely it is time for our lunch break!
GRIMWOLD
Aha, Miss Trueheart! You dare to question my orders? (Stands to the side of the table and claps hands in a faster rhythm to get everyone to move faster) Faster! Faster! Pick up the time, pickle packers. Faster! Faster!
A pickle slides past PENELOPE; when she tries to grab it, it falls to the floor.
FACTORY WORKERS
Uh-oh.
GRIMWOLD
Miss Trueheart.
IDA
She’s pickling them up, Mr. GRIMWOLD…I mean, she’s picking them up!
GRIMWOLD
If Mrs. Bertha Blocker, creator of our pickles, knew of you ineptness…
PENELOPE
Oh Mr. GRIMWOLD! Pray do not tell kindly MRS. BLOCKER! I must keep my job. I must, for the sake of my mother, WIDOW TRUEHEART, and my six brothers and sisters, of whom I am the sole support!
WILMA
Six fatherless children. Poor little dears!
PEARL
The youngest is twenty-nine, and they all are allergic to work in any form.
PENELOPE
Kind Mr. GRIMWOLD, pray allow me to continue working here.
GRIMWOLD
This time you may stay, Miss Trueheart. But do not let it happen again.
PENELOPE
Thank you! Thank you, Mr. GRIMWOLD.
GRIMWOLD
Let’s get back to work, shall we? (Aside to the audience) If only I could fire PENELOPE Trueheart so easily! Little does she know that without her, the Pickle Factory would go to pieces! Then MRS. BLOCKER would have to sell out, cheap. And I, Jasper GRIMWOLD, could step in and buy the place, including the famous Blocker pickle-making formula.
PANTOMIMES holds up “HISS” sign
First I must find a way of discrediting PENELOPE. But, how? PENELOPE is so kind, honest, courageous and true! Zounds! I left out modest. But I will find a way to be rid of PENELOPE Trueheart! The factory will be mine!
PANTOMIMES holds up “BOO” sign. Lunch whistle is heard. Workers and GRIMWOLD start to exit.
FREIDA
Lunch at last!
WILMA & PEARL
Come along, PENELOPE!
PENELOPE
I will join you in a moment. But I must first pick up the pickles I dropped. (alone, she chants as she picks up the pickles) Melvin loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, etc.
Knock on door
I must see who it is. It is my dear mother, exhausted from caring for her six invalid children! Here she is with three of my brothers!
SCENE 3
Enter WIDOW TRUEHEART and children: Jerrybob, JimmyBob, JollyBob
JERRYBOB
I’m Jerrybob. I am a low-down, good-for-nothing gambler. But the women love me. I need some money PENELOPE so I can upgrade my wardrobe for the ladies and place some bets at the casino. My lucky streak is coming back, I can feel it.
JIMMYBOB
I’m Jimmybob. I am a great scholar. I am going to publish a book that answers all the questions of the universe. That is, as soon as PENELOPE makes me enough money to get someone to ghostwrite it for me.
JOLLYBOB
I’m Jollybob, I love candy. All kinds of candy. Just gimme candy. Lollipops, Gummy Bears, Tootsie Rolls, Jolly Ranchers, Jobgobbers…Anything. But I need the some dough, PENELOPE. Just a few, sweet smackers so I can buy some Jelly Bellies. What they say about sugar isn’t true! (throws a sugar tantrum) Sugar is good for you. It’s nutricious
JERRYBOB, JIMMYBOB, JOLLYBOB
Poor souls, we’re all allergic to work. (They sneeze, cough, scratch until the Widow stomps her foot)
WIDOW TRUEHEART
So Penny, you see why I need some money. All the kids took ill in the morning! That Dr. Snakeman’s Tonic’ll fix us up, it will.
PENELOPE
Doctor who?
WIDOW TRUEHEART
Dr. Snakeman. Dr. Snakeman’s Tonic will cure anything. (smacks lips) (as PENELOPE looks for money) There’s a love, now don’t hold back.
PENELOPE
Because I am so blessed, and you are so unfortunate, I will give you all I have. Look!
All three kids look
Since you last came—twenty minutes ago—I have packed two thousand pickles. That means I have five cents!
JERRYBOB,JIMMYBOB,JOLLYBOB
(disappointed) Awww!
WIDOW TRUEHEART
(bites the nickel) Is that all, Penny? Ah, it is a miserable life we lead these days.
JERRYBOB
(aside to the audience) Only two thousand pickles! How can I pay for my tuxedo cummerbund. And how am I gonna get myself toVegas.
JIMMYBOB
(aside to the audience) Her productivity is way off today! I need a new comic book.
JOLLYBOB
(aside to the audience) I need more than this: The price of Tootsie Pops is going up, up, up, and I’m going down, down, down!
PENELOPE
Oh, how sorry I am not to have more! Will you survive?
WIDOW TRUEHEART
(Pushing off kids) We will get by. But you must work harder, PENELOPE. We’re all counting on you.
Exit Widow and children. PENELOPE resumes collecting the pickles. Enter MRS. BLOCKER.
MRS. BLOCKER
Ah, PENELOPE. Hard at work, I see. It does my heart good to se that have such a good and loyal worker. (MRS. BLOCKER looks at PENELOPE, puts her hand to her brow and lets out a mournful groan.)
PENELOPE
MRS. BLOCKER, my dearly beloved employer! What is the matter?
END ACT I
MC
What a cliffhanger! Before we return to Act II of our spellbinding tale, here’s some high-kicking entertainment you’ll really like: Our very own Sweet and SourPICKLETTES! With a dance that’s sure to tickle your toes.
(PICKLETTES do a can-can routine)
MC
Thank you, my little gherkins. Now I’d like to introduce you to our sponsor—the brilliant, inventive, generous--
SNAKEMAN
(Stage whisper) don’t forget, “honest”
MC
(Coughs, rolls eyes) Honest. Dr. Slippery S. Snakeman, of “Dr. Snakeman’s Tonic”.
SNAKEMAN
Friends, are you tired? Run down? Depressed? Do you feel stiff and achy all over? Has the bounce left your step and the twinkle left your eye? (PANTOMIMESs act out each ailment). It was maladies like these that drove me on my quest for the one true tonic that could cure all ills. Like the great advances of civilization—the first democracy, the printing press, skateboards and sagging pants—Dr. Snakeman’s tonic makes our lives better. It is also a highly effective weed-killer and spot-remover! But don’t just take my word for it. Listen to these ordinary folk tell about their extraordinary experiences with Dr. Snakeman’s tonic.
BEST CUSTOMER
(Wearing hat) Dr. Snakeman’s Tonic is truly the elixir of life. I had a headache and took a teaspoon—poof the headache was gone. (PANTOMIMESs react with surprise and awe to each of the claims) Then I had horrible indigestion—two teaspoons and it was over in seconds. Then I had the worst toothache ever—three teaspoons and the pain had vanished. Next I fell down and broke my arm in three places—four teaspoons and it was better than before. Now I bowl 180 and before I couldn’t break 100. What’s more, before I started taking the good Doctor’s tonic, I want you to know I was completely bald. It’s just a miracle. (Takes off hat to reveal a ridiculously full head of hair) Now Look!
SNAKEMAN
Thank you for your honest testimonial. Folks, when you’re ready to kick up your heels and cartwheel back into life, you’ll want Dr. Snakeman’s Tonic. Be sure to buy a bottle in the lobby.
PANTOMIMESs enact while MC describes
MC
When we last left the pickle factory, MRS. BLOCKER, the renowned owner, had looked strangely at PENELOPE, put hand to her brow, let out a mournful groan, and fainted. Has she suddenly realized what goes into her pickles?
PANTOMIMES pulls out sign ACT II
ACT II
Scene 4
PENELOPE
MRS. BLOCKER, my dearly beloved employer! What is the matter?
MRS BLOCKER
Nothing. A chance expression I noted on your face brought on a sudden piercing pang of memory. Hence: my momentary weakness.
PENELOPE
MRS. BLOCKER, tell me all. Use your words. It’s what we do in SEL. Sometimes it helps.
MRS. BLOCKER
(Seats PENELOPE on bench) Yes, PENELOPE, I will tell you! Once long ago, once, I had a child.(music chord: shock)
PENELOPE
A child!
MRS. BLOCKER
A baby girl, who would be just your age now. But cruel fate would not let me keep her. In those days, I was not the rich, benevolent, mink clad founder of the pickle factory you see before you!
PENELOPE
Yes? Yes?
MRS. BLOCKER
I was a poor widow then. I had only my tremendous talent for creating pickles. It was then that I invented my precious pickle formula, which made me queen of the pickle makers. At first I made my product in a small way, delivering the merchandise to nearby houses.
PENELOPE
(Jumps up) And your baby daughter?
MRS. BLOCKER
(Pushes PENELOPE back down on the bench) I am coming to that! One day, alas, alas (sobs)
PENELOPE
(Jumps up) Pray do not continue if it causes you such distress.
MRS. BLOCKER
I must be brave! I must tell all. Oh, PENELOPE! (Pushes PENELOPE back down on the bench)
Flashback scene of the memory: PANTOMIMES holds “DEAR OLD MEMORY” sign; enter young MRS. BLOCKER and two baskets, one with a baby doll.
Background Music: A minor, ballad-y version of “A Tisket, A Tasket”
One night I packed my pickles in a basket, and since I did not wish to leave my baby daughter alone in our humble cottage, I packed her in a similar basket. Oh, PENELOPE, can you not guess what happened?
PENELOPE
Indeed I cannot, dear MRS. BLOCKER
MRS. BLOCKER
A dreadful mistake occurred. Instead of the basket of pickles, I left my baby on the back doorstep of a nearby house! (music: shock)
End of memory scene.
PENELOPE
How dreadful! But were you not able to recover the child?
MRS. BLOCKER
Well…er…you see… I was busy at the time. The next year, when I went back to recover the mistake, I found that the people had moved away—without paying for the pickles previously delivered, I might add. No one could tell me where they had gone.
PENELOPE
And so you never got your daughter back?
MRS. BLOCKER
All I have is my precious pickle formula. (Pulls out formula) Without this, there would be no Blocker’s Pickles!(MUSIC: ta-da! Final chord, major)
(MUSIC: Sneaking)
GRIMWOLD enters without being noticed. He sees the pickle formula.
GRIMWOLD
(Aside to the audience) Zounds! The precious pickle formula! Worth untold millions! I must have it!
PENELOPE
Dear MRS. BLOCKER, far be it from me to interfere, but is it wise to carry your precious pickle formula around with you? It might be lost. It might even—oh, I shudder to think—it might even be stolen!