Today Is My Day!
By: Millicent [My last name here]
Today is my day! I’m finally two! I get to go outside longer than usual to play in the park with my human and my other pals! Also, I’ll get to see those beautiful red, white and blue flowers that enclose the park. Oh, the flowers appear so delicate that usually before entering the main park, I would take a moment to sniff their striking aromas, raise my left leg, and do what I do second-best: my business. Sigh. Flowers are so pretty. Actually, everything around me is pretty and interesting and fascinating. I’m still at my house waiting for my owner to lead me outside. Speaking of [JC1]my house, when you step inside, it [JC2]is like a small museum. It’s [JC3]filled with paintings of beautiful landscapes,[JC4] and different common objects. There are also small and big statues of different people and photographs of me, my human with his family, my human’s friends, and obviously, a picture of him and I[JC5]. He’s a great human, and I’m blessed to have him in my life. He got me when I was still really small, however now I’m getting bigger and stronger; at the same time wearier, and a tad bit older.
It’s my birthday today so I’m sure my human’s going to take me outside extra longer to play, and just enjoy this day. [JC6]But wait, [JC7]what’s happening. My human was about to get his coat, and obtain my battered leash from the rack. But he hesitates and returns it back. Wait, [JC8]did he forget that it’s my day today? He’s currently [JC9]talking on what he calls is a phone, but shouldn’t he and I go out and this time longer than usual? To walk side by side, and him talking about things I’m unfamiliar of but still act eager to listen because he’s all I have? Why is he on the phone anyway?
I give him my puppy eyes, and wag myself stupid in the hopes of him knowing that it’s my birthday. I want him to know that I’m eager to get out of the house, walk with him to the park, play my favourite game of fetch, and meet-up with my pals. But all he does is scratch behind my ear, and [JC10]an apologetic look on his face. We always do this… What’s happening to him? Oh wait. [JC11]The doorbell rings. Who’s there?[JC12]
Oh. It’s her. I’ve seen her twice in a row this week, and there she is[JC13]. My human greets her with a tight embrace, and she returns the gesture with a smile and an unexpected kiss that made my human jump, and blush. They let go, and for a second they look into each other’s eyes as if, it’s only the two of them in the world.
Woof![JC14]
I guess I startled my human[JC15]but I’m lonely too! He pets my head and introduces me to the other human whose name is Jane. Jane pets my head, says words like: “You are so cute!” which I personally think sounds pathetically fake, and I respond with a heavy growl under my breath. She looks utterly confused and a bit terrified from my reaction[JC16]but who cares what she thinks. You stole my human away, and [JC17]turned me down for you. It’s my day today! Not yours. Mine.
My human scurries down the hallway to the kitchen, calls my name, gives me a fresh bowl of water and a huge special treat to ease my anger. He knows I’m angry because he didn’t take me outside on this special day. But [JC18]why not today? He leaves me in the kitchen and talks to Jane. [JC19]I’m a dog. [JC20]I don’t know what they are talking about or what’s so funny[JC21]but I can tell my human likes Jane. It’s obvious. [JC22]Whenever he’s taking me for a walk, his mind wanders and expresses[JC23] his feelings about Jane, which reflects through me[JC24]—and I feel it. Though, [JC25]what about me? Does he still love me? I hope so.
After I finished [JC26]the two bowls of [JC27]water and special treats I get once a year, I go[JC28] to the living room to my favourite rug to sleep. I find my human and Jane laughing at each other over something, [JC29]and his hands fondling over her hair. Whatever it is they’re laughing,[JC30] is painful. It used to be only me and my human. But [JC31]as I look at them, they look so happy together that it hurts. I lie on my favourite rug to watch the same thing they’re watching, and give a big sigh and pout. I’m tired. I just want to sleep,[JC32] forever and ever. My human has abandoned me, and I’m all alone. Jane,[JC33] why did you appear in my human’s life? We were happy without you… We were [JC34]happy, right? No, we weren’t. I almost lost my human when he became extremely sad over the death of his father,[JC35] and almost made the decision to let me go. He’d yell at me to leave me [JC36]alone,[JC37] and even hired a dog sitter to take care of me while he did his business. Those days were painful,[JC38] and I don’t want to lose my human now. If this girl likes him too [JC39]then I should be happy. As much as I want my human all to myself, he’s much happier with Jane. Jane is all he could [JC40]think about. And because of Jane, I’m crying.
After almost an hour of napping, my owner and Jane finished the show they were watching. My human carries me and places me in the middle of them two[JC41]. My human massages my back,[JC42] and Jane slowly pets my head. Don’t worry, I won’t get mad at you Jane. I look [JC43]the corner of my eyes and see [JC44]that my human looks upset. I listen to their conversation and he says, “You know. Today is Bear’s birthday. I was supposed to take her for a longer walk at the park, and play fetch with her…” It’s getting dark and colder outside. It’s okay. I’m happier inside, with the warmth of the fireplace crackling in the background, and of course[JC45]the presence of two human beings who are in love, and adore my presence to bits of pieces[JC46].
-Thank you in advance, Openstudy Community!
-I really like your story! Thank you for letting me read it and comment on it. I’m not sure if my suggestions will trim it half a page, but it’s a start anyway. There was one more suggestion I had. After Jane is introduced to Bear, her name is used frequently when referring to her, yet Bear’s owner’s name is never mentioned. I think this story would be more powerful if you used the owner’s name from the beginning (replacing ‘ower’ and ‘human’ with his name), and only used Jane’s name at the point she is introduced and after Bear has he change in perspective. This will convey that Bear really loves her owner by make her references to him more personal, and it will convey her contempt for Jane by making her references to her more impersonal. After her change in perspective use both of their names to show that Bear has come to love and accept both of them. Really good story.
[JC1]See next comment.
[JC2]You can remove this and the previous highlight for trimming without detracting from the story.
[JC3]If you decide to take my previous advice, remove the period and ‘It’s to combine this sentence with the previous.
[JC4]No comma.
[JC5]‘a picture of him and me’ would be proper grammar here. The easiest way to know whether you should use I or me is to eliminate the additional subject in the sentence. So, you can easily see that ‘a picture of I’ does not work.
[JC6]Put this in the previous paragraph.
[JC7]This is unnecessary and can be removed for trimming.
[JC8]You can remove this to help in trimming.
[JC9]Trim.
[JC10]‘with’
[JC11]Trim.
[JC12]Move this to the next paragraph.
[JC13]Trim.
[JC14]Put in quotes since he is literally speaking.
[JC15]Comma.
[JC16]Comma.
[JC17]Either change the comma to a period and change ‘and’ to ‘He’, or remove the comma and insert ‘he’ after ‘and’.
[JC18]‘, but’
[JC19]Start a new paragraph.
[JC20]You can remove for trimming. By this point in the story it is well established that the narrator is a dog.
[JC21]Comma.
[JC22]You can probably remove this for trimming.
[JC23]‘he expresses’
[JC24]The meaning of this clause is unclear.
[JC25]Trim.
[JC26]See comment on ‘go’.
[JC27]Trim.
[JC28]Your verbs in this sentence do not agree. ‘finished’ is past tense and ‘go’ is present. You can use either tense, but they should agree, so change one or the other or make two sentences.
[JC29]No comma.
[JC30]Either remove this comma or change it to an ellipsis if you want dramatic pause.
[JC31]Consider a comma or an ellipsis here.
[JC32]No comma.
[JC33]Start a new paragraph.
[JC34]Italics would be nice here to emphasize that he is have doubts or is wondering about his happiness.
[JC35]No comma.
[JC36]You mean ‘him’?
[JC37]No comma.
[JC38]No comma.
[JC39]Comma.
[JC40]This would sound better in the present tense; ‘can’.
[JC41]Make this simply ‘between them’. It’ll help with trimming and sound better.
[JC42]No comma.
[JC43]‘see from’
[JC44]Trim.
[JC45]Comma.
[JC46]‘me too’ will sound better and help trim.