B-13
B.I.L.’s Hold a Meeting
It is appropriate to adlib a lot and change the script as it suits you.
Cast of 8, dressed like men (various array of costumes, from suit coats to hunting jackets)
President enters, holding hammer and piece of plywood. Arranges wood on table (can use seat of chair, etc.) and “tests” hammer.
PRESIDENT: I sure hope those guys show up on time. They have a lot of trouble with that.
Other men enter, one by one. As they each enter, there is lots of back slapping, highfiving, “heys”, “yos”, etc. and each says something like, “Hey, I figured out what P.E.O. means!” Others say “what?”, “great!”, etc. The one entering gives a possible meaning. Make up whatever appeals to you, i.e. “Pickle Eating Organization,”, “Profitable and Economical Organization,” Packers Every October,” etc. Don’t use PHONE EACH OTHER or PREGNANT EACH OCTOBER; those are used later in the skit.
1ST TAP OF THE HAMMER (AND TAP HAMMER FREQUENTLY DURING SKIT--BETWEEN EACH REPORT, AND SO FORTH. B.I.L.’S STAND AND SIT AT WILL, NOT NECESSARILY AT THE SAME TIME AS ANYONE ELSE.)
PRESIDENT: The meeting will come to order. If there is no objection Rich, Rich, Rich, and Rich will serve as secretary, treasurer, guard and chairman for most of the committees.
We will skip the PASSWORD as no one can remember what it is.
We will sing the new version of the ODE…I hope you can remember the words this time.
BIL’S SING BUT NOT IN UNISON AND NOT IN ANY RECOGNIZABLE TUNE:
Ho! Ho! Ho! We are swell!
Cool it, man, we’re B.I.L.’s!
Ho! Ho! Ho! We are great!
The P.E.O.’s have sealed our fate.
They’re so lucky they have we,
We’re understanding as can be!!
PRESIDENT: Not bad! (B.I.L.’S CONGRATULATE EACH OTHER WITH HIGH FIVES,” YO’S”, ETC.) Now please have that memorized by our next meeting.
The secretary will read the minutes of the last regular meeting.
SECRETARY: Mr. President, the last meeting of the B.I.L.’s (those who pay the bills) was held at John Smith’s home several years ago – and then he moved! Quite a few people were present. We discussed writing objects and aims, but because we are a loosely-knit group and dependent on our wives for membership and already perfect, we decided that wouldn’t be necessary.
We chose the crescent moon as our official emblem replacing the MARGARITA. It seemed like a natural to accompany the twinkling star of our P.E.O.’s. The moon protects the twinkling star, but it’s soft radiance does not outshine her. It also denotes romance, for without romance you would not have a P.E.O., and if you did not have a P.E.O., you would not be a B.I.L.!
There was a long discussion involving women, with considerable parliamentary maneuvering, We tried to figure out why that long white robe is hanging in our closets, and what reall is in the yellow bag. It was a MESS! Those present know what went on. Those who weren’t don’t and never will.
PRESIDENT: Next we will have the Treasurer’s report.
TREASURER: Mr. President, the Treasurer wishes to report the following:
INCOME - 0
EXPENSES - $1326.86
PRESIDENT INTERJECTS: Hmmm, did that have anything to do with that party?
TREASURER NODS: Yeah, probably.
It is true that our brotherhood has no COTTEY COLLEGE, but we have all graduated from that celebrated institute of higher learning, that hall of knowledge, known as the SCHOOL OF EXPERIENCE. The Wisconsin Suite has been re-decorated. It is all-white to match the coming winter (if it is spring, say “the winter we just had.”) It costs a lot of money to haul all that snow down there! WE DO NEED A FUND RAISER!
PRESIDENT: The next business in order is report of Committees:
COURTESY: Please send cards to our demented, I mean our dimit Dick Whitcomb. He was hurt last Thursday night doing dishes while his wife was at P.E.O.
TELEPHONE TREE: I’m sorry to report that we were unable to function as our wives were on the phone. Hey! Maybe that’s what P.E.O. means – PHONE EACH OTHER!
EDUCATION: Mr. President, we are still trying to get men admitted to Cottey College. Two drove to Nevada (PRONOUNCE IT AS IN LAS VEGAS, NEVADA) a few years ago and no one has heard from them since.
OTHER B.I.L.’S: That’s NEVADA (PRONOUNCED AS IN NEVADA, MISSOURI), not NEVADA (PRONOUNCED AS IN THE STATE)! THEN SOME SAY, “Oh, that explains it!”
MEMBERSHIP: Mr. President, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that we have many new members chose on the basis of qualifications none of them knew they had. However, certain requirements still remain – new B.I.L.’s must have a pad big enough for the gang (like Rich’s), comfy chairs, enough cash to keep their P.E.O.’s content, and be able to fix good chow.
CORRESPONDENCE: Mr. President, I received a letter from the State B.I.L.’s and they report that after thorough research – prying around the house, questioning their wives while sleeping, looking under the mattress, and deciphering the P.E.O. Record, that the meaning of the letters is without a doubt – PREGNANT EACH OCTOBER! And, I received a letter from International concerning their research on the meaning of P.E.O. secrets, and here it is –
Absolute knowledge have I none
But my aunt’s laundry woman’s son
Said he heard a policeman on his beat
Say to a workman in the street
That he had a letter just last week
Hand written in the finest Greek
From a Chinese coolie in Timbuctoo
Who said that his son in Cuba knew
Of a southern gentleman in a Texas town
Who got it straight from a circus clown
How a man in Klondike heard the word
From a well informed American nerd
About some fellow in Borneo
Who knew a man who claimed to know
Of a hermit who lived beside the lake
Whose mother-in-law would undertake
To prove that a friend’s wife’s sister’s niece
Has stated in a very nicely written piece
That she has a son who claims to know
THE MEANING OF THE LETTERS – P.E.O.
PRESIDENT: Follow that up right away, please!
We have no miscellaneous business, no unfinished business, no new business or further business. In fact, WE HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING HERE!
ARE THERE SUGGESTIONS FOR THE GOOD OF THE CHAPTER?
(ALL YELL TOGETHER) DISBAND!
2