Four Typical Patterns That Harm A Relationship:

  • Provoking and Escalating
  • Invalidating
  • Withdrawing/Avoiding
  • Negative Filters

DIRTY FIGHTING RULES

Make “you” statements to keep focus on the other person

Highlight all their faults, weaknesses and omissions

Act innocent

Drag up things from the past

Keep thinking of what you are going to say next

Do not waste time listening to what they keep saying

Do lots of:

  • Accusing
  • Blaming
  • Discounting
  • Withdrawing/Abandoning
  • Labeling and Name Calling
  • Threatening
  • Belittling/Denigrating
  • Guilt Tripping
  • Derailing/Distracting
  • Revenge and Retaliation
  • Gossiping
  • Backstabbing
  • Sniping

KEY ATTITUDES OF FAIR FIGHTING

  • Conflict is inevitable; it’s okay to want different things.
  • Each partner’s needs are equally valid and important.
  • Conflict solved as partners makes people feel close.
  • I am responsible for my own pain.
  • I am the one who must change my coping strategies to better meet my needs.

RULES FOR FAIR FIGHTING

  • Aim for a good conversation, don’t try to solve it yet
  • Set the time and scene – turn off media
  • Use “I” statements, make “eye” contact
  • Take a Time Out if you get too agitated
  • Develop structure. Set limits and rules. Be an active listener.

SPEAKER/LISTENER TECHNIQUE

  1. RULES FOR BOTH OF YOU: Speaker and Listener
  1. The Speaker has the floor first. The Listener listens. There are rules to follow for each role. You switch roles as you move through the conversation.
  2. Your goal is to air the conflict, not to solve it.
  1. RULES FOR THE SPEAKER
  1. USE “I” STATEMENTS and speak only for and about yourself. Express what you feel and think. Stay in the present tense. No comments related to partner.
  2. DON’T GO ON AND ON. Make short statements. As long as you have the floor, you won’t be interrupted. The tendency is to get long-winded.
  3. STOP AND LET THE LISTENER PARAPHRASE. Affirm when the listener gets it right. Try again if the listener didn’t get it. Your job is to help the listener get it just right.
  4. SURRENDER THE FLOOR WHEN YOU’VE HAD YOUR SAY AND YOU FEEL HEARD. Now it’s time to switch.
  1. RULES FOR THE LISTENER
  1. PARAPHRASE WHAT YOU HEAR. Your job is to show that you are listening to the speaker. Use your own words, repeat exactly, or try to sum it up neatly. Keep trying until you get it right.
  2. NO DEFENDING YOURSELF, NO REBUTTAL, NO COMMENTING. Focus on HEARING the speaker’s message. You don’t have to agree with your partner to show you are listening. If you get upset by what is being said, save it for your turn as speaker.

*FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, Markman, Stanley and Blumberg