IMPACT LETTER FAQs
· Who should write impact letters? Though in most cases, it is most appropriate for ‘parents’ to write separate impact letters, there are times in which others may write letters instead of or along with parents. 'Parents' can be taken to mean mothers, fathers, caregivers and other adults with responsibility for caring for a child. Those undertaking the parenting role may include step-parents, non-resident parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, grandparents or other family caregivers, and residential care workers. Depending on the relationship, it may be appropriate to have a coach, therapist, teacher, pastor or mentor write an impact letter. At times, a sibling may write an impact letter as well. It is not recommended to have peers, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends write letters, primarily because the nuclear family relationships are priority focus for your child.
· What is the goal for the impact letter? The goal for writing an impact letter is twofold. One purpose is to openly and directly address significant problem behaviors, choices and attitudes. Secondly, and most importantly, to work through the underlying issues with an invitation to heal and grow your relationships, thus promoting desired and acceptable behaviors and attitudes.
· Why can’t I just write a hello note? It can be helpful to address issues more objectively when you are not in daily interactions with each other. Though a hello and I miss you note is beneficial, it can translate to a denial of problematic issues between you and your child if issues are not addressed first. Your child and you have a rare opportunity to address struggles in a supportive environment. There will be other times to simply give a hello message during the course of your child’s program.
· Why Should I share my letter with others? Thinking about that old statement, “can't see the forest for the trees”; If you can't see the forest for the trees, you can't see the whole situation clearly because you're looking too closely at small details, or because you're too closely involved. Having your letter read by someone not as involved or as emotionally invested in your relationships can be helpful to see a broader and more objective view of the situation. This letter is as much for your child as it is for you.
· Why Should I apologize? Having the time and space to step back from the daily emotional interaction with your child is an opportunity to look at the bigger picture of why your child is struggling and what part you have in either enabling or preventing your child from changing his/her behaviors. By owning your part, you invite and model for your child how to take responsibility and accountability for choices, behaviors and attitudes.
· How will a letter help me to communicate with my child? Letter writing has become a lost art. Letters are a great way to communicate to your child without interruption, arguments and distractions. Writing can help the writer sort out raw emotions, give freedom to edit words and really describe what he/she wants to communicate. Writing multiple drafts can be a purging process, resulting in the writer’s own therapeutic and healing exercise. The receiver has the space and time to react with emotion to the letter without needing to be careful in what he/she say or later wishing he/she could take back hurtful or defensive words stated in the moment. The receiver has the opportunity to reread the letter multiple times, often hearing the message more clearly. The receiver has time to process the letter and take the time to respond to the letter with the same freedom the writer experienced.
· Why is this letter so guided? This letter writing process can be an effective tool. Learning any new skills takes practice and modeling from someone else. Some parents may find this process easier than others. Many other issues and struggles parents are not aware of often surface through this process, giving more opportunity for crossings’ staff to support parents while his/her child is in program. The goal is not to have parents parrot a letter that the crossings’ staff have written. This process is more importantly meant to help teach new communication techniques and language that may benefit the family in the future.
· Why should I have to work on this letter when it is my child who made the mistakes? Writing an impact letter gives you the opportunity to model grace, patience, and willingness. It also sends a message to your child that he/she are worth the investment despite his/her mistakes. Though your child’s behaviors and attitudes may have been the focal point of your family for the past months or year, your child is not defined by his/her behaviors. Though you may feel that you have been the one in your relationship to put forth effort and work harder in comparison to your child, it is encouraged to look at this letter as an opportunity for healing for yourself as well as an invitation for your child to take accountability of his/her own choices.
· Why is the letter only a page and a half? Sometimes less is much more. Many parents can get on a roll, listing all the offences his/her child has made. Though these mistakes, behaviors, and attitudes may in fact happen regularly, it is not beneficial to the receiver to see the laundry list of grievances. Many teens struggle to digest too much information at one time. You have so much you want your child to know and learn. There is no need to pack all of life’s lessons into one letter. You may find that writing letters is helpful. There is no reason why you are not able to write additional letters in the future, using this format. If you are struggling with feeling you need to write more, consider what your motive is in writing the letter. Are you lecturing? Are you wanting to prove some point of defend your own position? Are you truly wanting to invite healing in your relationship with your child? This is a process. Give yourself time and freedom to prioritize issues. You might see lesser concerns resolve themselves once healing begins in the underlying wounds.
· Why do I need to write “I” instead of “we”? In this letter you are addressing your own personal point of view. By using your own experiences and feelings there is less room to question the credibility of your statements. It is also important that your child feel an individualized relationship with you. I statements can demonstrate to your child that you want to claim a personalized relationship. We statements may be interpreted by your child as “us against you”.
· What is an “I feel” statement? Communicating in productive and respectful ways can be difficult at times. It can be especially hard when we feel strong emotions, such as being angry or frustrated or annoyed. However, having effective communication is key to keeping relationships healthy. There are statements that can be used to express ourselves called “I Statements.” He/she can help us to take responsibility for our own feelings. Identifying our emotions is an important part of I Statements. He/she also help to avoid blaming others or getting defensive, which often happens during conflicts. I feel statements give you the freedom to express your feelings as well as invite the other to respond. If statements or blame or judgment are made; often times the message is not received as an invitation for healing but rather feeling of shame or guilt arise, resulting in a defensive response.
· What does it mean to describe a pattern of problematic behaviors with a recent example? Referring to the goals for your child, written in the application, you identified specific areas of concern. For instance, “I want my child to stop lying”. Lying is the pattern. Giving one recent example helps give evidence of the pattern. Using a recent example is more helpful as children’s sense of time and “past events” are much different than adults.
· Why should I empathize with hardships my child has been through? While it is important for your child to take ownership of his or her own actions, there may be life events he or she has experienced that were beyond his or her control that continue to impact his or her behavior. Making a brief statement, acknowledging the hardships he or she has endured, can help your child to feel understood. Briefly acknowledging your child’s strengths in overcoming these hardships can help build his or her sense of resiliency.