Emotional Awareness
The Week Of.
Emotion : / Monday / Tuesday / Wed / Thurs / Friday / Saturday / SundayHappiness
Affection
Interest
Excitement
Pride
Desire
Love
Thankfulness
Stress
Hurt
Sadness
Irritation
Anger
Pity
Disgust
Guilt
Envy
Regret
Shame
emotion coaching
This response is all part of the process of Emotion Coaching that
my research colleagues and I uncovered in our studies of successful
parent-child interactions. The process typically happens in five
steps. The parents:
1. become aware of the child's emotion;
2. recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and. teaching;
3. listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings;
4. help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and
5. set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.
from Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD
Assessing Your Parenting Style • 5 1
50 » raising an emotionally intelligent child
Four Styles of Parenting
Effects of this style on children: Same as the Disapproving style.
Effects of this style on children: They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is some-thing inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions.
the dismissing parent
• treats child's feelings as unimportant, trivial
• disengages from or ignores the child's feelings
• wants the child's negative emotions to disappear quickly
• characteristically uses distraction to shut down child's emotions
• may ridicule or make light of a child's emotions
• believes children's feelings are irrational, and therefore don't count
• shows little interest in what the child is trying to communicate
• may lack awareness of emotions in self and others
• feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt, or overwhelmed by the child's emotions
• fears being out-of-control emotionally
• focuses more on how to get over emotions than on the meaning of the emotion itself
• believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic
• believes focusing on negative emotions will "just make mat-ters worse"
• feels uncertain about what to do with the child's emotions
• sees the child's emotions as a demand to fix things
• believes negative emotions mean the child is not well adjusted
• believes the child's negative emotions reflect badly on their parents
• minimizes the child's feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion
• does not problem-solve with the child; believes that the pas-sage of time will resolve most problems
the disapproving parent
• displays many of the Dismissing Parent's behaviors, but in a more negative way
• judges and criticizes the child's emotional expression
• is overaware of the need to set limits on their children
• emphasizes conformity to good standards or behavior
• reprimands, disciplines, or punishes the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not
• believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited
• believes negative emotions need to be controlled
• believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits
• believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles
• believes emotions make people weak; children must be emotionally tough for survival
• believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time
• sees negative emotions (especially sadness) as a commodity that should not be squandered
• is concerned with the child's obedience to authority
the laissez-faire parent
· freely accepts all emotional expression from the child
· offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings offers little guidance on behavior
· does not teach the child about emotions
· is permissive; does not set limits
· does not help children solve problems
· does not teach problem-solving methods to the child
· believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out
· • believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of hydraulics; release the emotion and the work is done
52 • raising an emotionally intelligent child
Effects of this style on children: They don't learn to regulate their emotions; they have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, getting along with other children.
the emotion coach
• values the child's negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy
• can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion
• is aware of and values his or her own emotions .
• sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting
• is sensitive to the child's emotional states, even when they are subtle
• is not confused or anxious about the child's emotional expression; knows what needs to be done
• respects the child's emotions
• does not poke fun at or make light of the child's negative
feelings
• does not say how the child should feel
• does not feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child
• uses emotional moments as a time to
—listen to the child
—empathize with soothing words and affection
—help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling
—offer guidance on regulating emotions
—set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions
—teach problem-solving skills
Effects of this style on children: They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have high self-esteem, leam well, get along well with others.
Emotional Awareness Self-Test
The following test is designed to help you take a look at your own emotional life, how you permit yourself to experience anger and sadness and how you feel about emotion in general.
There are no right or wrong answers here, but the scoring key at the end will help you gauge your level of emotion awareness.
Understanding this aspect of yourself can give you insights into why you react as you do to other people's emotions, and particularly to your child's emotions.
from Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PH.D
8 2 • RAISING an emotionally
child
anger
Start by taking a look at the most recent past, say, the last few weeks of your life. Think about the things you find stressful, and that cause you to feel frustrated, irritated, or angry. Also, think about people in your life who seem to be responding to you with impatience, frustration, anger, or irritation. Consider the thoughts, images, and basic feelings you have when faced with these.angry, stressful emotions in others and in yourself. Read each of the following statements, which were all taken from statements made by people in our research studies. See how much you agree with them. Then circle the response that fits best.
T = True F = False DK = Don't Know
1. I feel many different kinds of anger. T F DK
2. I am either calm or I blow up in anger, there's not much in between. T F DK
3. People can tell when I am even a little irritated. T F DK
4. I can tell way in advance of getting angry that I am on the nasty or grumpy side. T F DK
5. In others I can detect even small signs that people are angry. T F DK
6. Anger is toxic. T F DK
7. When I get angry, I feel like I am chewing on something, clenching my jaw on it, biting it, and gnashing It. T F DK
8. I can feel cues of my anger in my body. T F DK
9. Feelings are private. I try not to express them. T F DK
10. I experience anger as getting physically very hot. T F DK
______The Five Key Steps for Emotion Coaching • 8 3
11. For me, feeling angry is like building up steam, increasing the pressure. T F DK
12. For me, getting angry is like blowing off steam, letting go of the pressure. T F DK
13. For me, getting angry is like the pressure building and building and not letting up. T F DK
14. Getting angry makes me feel like I'm about to lose control. T F DK
15. When I get angry it tells people that they can't push me around. T F DK
16. Anger is my way of getting serious and stern. T F DK
17. Anger gives me energy; it's a motivation to tackle things and not be defeated by them. T F DK
18. I keep my anger suppressed and inside. T F DK
19. My view is that if you suppress anger, you court disaster. T F DK
20. In my view, anger is natural, like clearing your throat
T F DK
21. For me, anger is like something's on fire, like something is going to explode. T F DK
22. Anger, like fire, can consume you. T F DK
23. I just ride out anger until it melts away.
T F DK
T F DK
T F DK
T F DK
24. I see anger as destruction.
25. I see anger as uncivilized.
26. I see anger as drowning.
27. To me there's not much difference between anger and aggression. T F DK
______The Five Key Steps for Emotion Coaching • 8 5
44. Anger implies engagement or contact
T F DK
84 * raising an emotionally intelligent child
28. I think that a child's anger is bad and ought to be
punished. T F DK
29. The energy from anger has to go somewhere. You might as well express it. T F DK
30. Anger gives you drive, energy. T F DK
31. For me, anger and hurt go together. When I am angry, it's because I have been hurt. T F DK
32. For me, anger and fear go together. When I am angry, deep down there's an insecurity. T F DK
33. When you get angry, you put yourself in a position where you feel like you've got power; you feel like you're standing up for yourself. T F DK
34. Anger is mostly impatience. T F DK
35. I cope with being angry just by letting time pass. T F DK
36. For me anger means helplessness and frustration. T F DK
37. I keep my anger bottled up. T F DK
38. It is shameful for people to see you angry. T F DK
39. Anger is okay if it is controlled. T F DK
40. I would say that when people get angry, it's like they are dumping waste on others. T F DK
41. Getting rid of anger is like expelling something very un-pleasant from my body. T F DK
42. I find the expression of emotions embarrassing. T F DK
43. If a person were healthy there would be no anger. T F DK
sadness
Now think about recent times when you felt sad, downhearted, or dejected. Think about people in your life who have expressed feelings of sadness, depression, or melancholia. What thoughts, images, and basic feelings come to mind when you think about the expression of these sad emotions by yourself and by others? Read each of the following statements about sadness and circle the answer that best describes your response.
1. Overall, I would have to say that sadness is toxic.
T F DK
2. Sadness is like illness and getting over sadness is like re-covering from a disease. T F DK
3. When I'm sad, I want to be alone. T F DK
4. I feel lots of varieties of sadness. T F DK
5. I can tell when I am even just a little bit sad.
T F DK
6. I can tell when other people are even just a small bit blue. T F DK
7. My body gives me signals loud and clear that I am going to have a sad day. T F DK
8. I view sadness as productive. It lets you know to slow down
T F DK
9. I think sadness is good for you. It can tell you what's miss-ing in your life. T F DK
10. Sadness is a natural part of feeling loss and grief. T F DK
11. Sadness is okay if it is over quickly. T F DK
12. Attending to sadness is cleansing. T F DK
The Five Key Steps for Emotion Coaching • 8 7
86 * raising an emotionally intelligent child
13. Sadness is useless. T F DK
14. There is no such thing as "a good cry."
T F DK15. Sadness is not something that should be wasted on small things. T F DK
16. Sadness is there for a reason. T F DK
17. Sadness means weakness. T F DK
18. Sadness means you can feel or empathize,
T F DK
19. Feeling sad is feeling helpless and/or hopeless. T F DK
20. It is useless to talk to people if you're feeling sad. T F DK
21. I sometimes have a good cry. T F DK
22. Being sad makes me afraid. T F DK
23. Showing people you are sad means a loss of control. T F DK
24. If you can maintain control, sadness can be a pleasure.
T F DK
25. It is best not to show people your sadness
T F DK
26. Sadness is like being violated. T F DK
27. People should be alone when sad, like quarantined. T F DK
28. Acting happy is an antidote to sadness
T F DK .
29. One emotion can be converted to another with enough thought. T F DK
30. I try to get over sadness quickly. T F DK
31. Sadness makes you reflectT F DK
32. A child's sadness reflects a negative trait. T F DK
33. It's best not to react at all to a child's sadness. T F DK
34. Sometimes when I'm sad, what I feel is self-loathing.
T F DK
35. In my view, emotions are always there; they're a part of life. T F DK
36. To be in control means to be upbeat, positive, not sad.
T F DK
37. Feelings are private, not public. T F DK
38. If you are emotional with children you might get out of control and become abusive. T F DK
39. In life, it is best not to dwell too long with negative emo-tions; just accentuate the positive. T F DK