January Meeting: January 14, 2014 at 7:00 P.M.
Arborlawn United Methodist Church, 5001 Briarhaven Rd., Fort Worth
New Members
We want to extend
a very warm, loving,
and understanding “Welcome”
to our new friends who attended
the December meeting:
Stephanie Mills
for the loss of her son
Lisa Corpus & Manuel Romero
for the loss of their son
Kal & Wren Saldaña
for the loss of their daughter
Stan Wilson & Robin Young
for the loss of their granddaughter
Love Gifts
Julie Johnson Robertson
in memory of her niece
Katherine Anne Hooton
in honor of her November birthday
This love gift was inadvertently left out
of the November newsletter –
we apologize for the error and thank Julie for her continued support of our chapter.
The Voss Party
in memory of
Craig Alan Voss
and all children who have died
Every Christmas season Judy & Dick Voss, whose son Craig died in December 1989, hold an open house to display their collection of nativity scenes, and accept donations for our chapter from their guests.
When a child dies, at any age,
the family suffers intense pain
and may feel hopeless and isolated.
The Compassionate Friends
provides highly personal comfort,
hope, and support to every family
experiencing the death
of a son or a daughter,
a brother or a sister, or a grandchild,
and helps others better assist
the grieving family.
TCF National Office
The Compassionate Friends
P. O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
Fax: 630-990-0246
Toll-free: 877-969-0010
9 A.M. - 5 P.M., CST, Mon.-Fri.
Email:
Website:
www.compassionatefriends.org
The website contains links to TCF’s national and regional conferences, brochures, e-newsletter, online support community, We Need Not Walk Alone magazine, “Healing the Grieving Heart” and “The Open to Hope Show” radio program archives, webinars, chapter websites, and other resources.
Facebook:
The Compassionate Friends/USA
In Spanish:
Los Amigos Compasivos/USA
Twitter:
Text follow TCFofUSA to 40404
Upcoming Meetings
Jan. 14th – Small group discussion
Feb. 11th – What we needed vs. what we got from friends, family, doctors, funeral directors, emergency personnel and others on the grief journey
2014 Meeting Dates
March 11th, April 8th, May 13th, Jun. 10th, Jul. 8th, Aug. 12th, Sep. 9th, Oct. 14th, Nov. 11th, Dec. 9th
Birthday Table
January birthdays
will be celebrated
at this month’s meeting.
If your child’s, grandchild’s,
or sibling’s birthday is
in January,
please feel free to bring
a photo or memento of them
for the birthday table.
Save the Date!
TCF’s 2014 National Conference will be July 11-13, at the Hyatt Regency O’Hare in Chicago.
TCF Fort Worth Chapter
Steering Committee
Chapter Leaders
Jeff & Marty Martin
817-991-9121
Treasurer
Steve Roberts
817-914-8689
Hospitality
Marty Akeman
817-636-5645
Christine Anderson
817-300-6196
Lydia Moore
817-829-3801
Newsletter
Becky Long
817-275-9297
Welcome Bags
Janet DuPertuis
Committee Members
Jeff Abodeely
Crys Aigner
Charles & Genie Dean
Liz Hutchison
Thanks to the staff members
of Greenwood-Mt. Olivet for manning the sign-in table and providing the name tags at chapter meetings and printing the newsletter.
We really appreciate your help!
Regional Coordinator
Bill Campbell
972-935-0673
Chapter Website
www.thecompassionatefriendsfw.com
Need to Talk?
Listed below are parents, grandparents and siblings who
have walked where you are today.
If you are having a difficult day
and just want to talk, please call.
Addiction
Helen
817-431-6964
Auto
Jeff & Marty
817-991-9121
Grandchild/Multiple Loss
Lydia
817-829-3801
Drowning
Debi
817-270-3275
Drowning (young child)
Stacy
817-656-7540 or 817-845-3433
Long Term Illness
Marty
817-636-5645
Homicide/Only Child
Steve
817-914-8689
Suicide/Only Child
Joy
817-453-2227
Suicide
Glinda
817-485-3772
Siblings
Cheryl
817-624-7043
Middle of the night calls
Liz
817-726-3999
Want to share?
We encourage you to submit
your own works of poetry or
prose for our newsletter.
Chapter News
Steering Committee Meeting
Our next Steering Committee meeting will be Saturday, January 18th at 9:30 A.M, at Marty & Jeff Martin’s, 9309 Watercress Dr. in Fort Worth.
Directions: From 820 in Lake Worth take Jacksboro Hwy heading northwest. After crossing the lake go to the second light and turn left across the highway and left on the access road. Take the first right onto Rankin Road to the bottom of the hill. At the fork go right on Watercress Dr. to a green house on the left or lake side of the road. The door is on the lake side of the house through the gate.
Membership in the Steering Committee is open to all chapter members; please join us as we plan our future programs.
We encourage all of you to consider how you will participate in our chapter this year. If you are new, we hope you will have courage to reach out and get to know some of the other members, hear their stories, and gain hope, wisdom and friendship for your journey from theirs. Or perhaps you can do something as simple as coming early or staying late at our meetings to help set up beforehand or clean up afterwards.
If you have been around for a while, won't you please consider taking a more active role and join our Steering Committee? The ideas and time you contribute can ensure the continuation of our chapter’s programs and newsletter.
The secret of TCF’s success is simple: as seasoned grievers reach out to the newly bereaved, energy that has been directed inward begins to flow outward, and both are helped to heal.
To the newly bereaved: We wish you patience - patience with yourselves in the painful weeks, months, even years ahead.
To the bereaved sibling: We wish you and your parents a new understanding of each other’s needs and the beginnings of good communication.
To those who are single parents: We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to cope, often alone, with your loss.
To those experiencing marital difficulties after the death of your child: We wish you a special willingness and ability to communicate with each other.
To those who have suffered the death of more than one child: We wish you the endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.
To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or of all your children: We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such an inspiration to the rest of us.
To those of you who are plagued with guilt: We wish you the reassurances that you did the very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.
To those of you who are deeply depressed: We wish you the first steps out of the “Valley of the Shadow”.
To all fathers and those of you unable to cry: We wish you healing tears and the ability to express your grief.
To those of you who are exhausted from grieving: We wish you the strength to face just one more hour, just one more day.
To all others with special needs that we have not mentioned: We wish you the understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.
Lovingly lifted from a speech
By former TCF President, Joe Rousseau
TCF, Houston-West chapter newsletter
“Oh, you’re not over it, are you?”
Sound familiar? As if you don’t have enough grief in your life, you have well-meaning people in your life talking to you about IT. See if any of these ring a bell:
“IT’s been going on too long.”
“IT’s not like you.”
“IT’s changed you.”
“How long is IT going to go on?”
You are likely reading this article because someone has said the IT-word to you; or maybe they just gave you that look: “You’re not over IT.” What is this IT of which they speak? Let’s look.
As you are keenly aware, the people around you have expectations about how you should be reacting to having your precious child ripped from your grasp. When people see you in pain, they are rightfully concerned about your well-being. Here are a few concerns that others may have of you (realistic or not):
Concern #1: You will stay in grief
forever.
If not forever, then for years
and years.
If not years and years, then for
a few years.
If not for a few years, then for
a year or more.
Concern #2: You will wallow in IT.
You will cry for hours and hours.
You will have the same looks on
your face for years: sad, angry,
confused, tired, pathetic, guilty,
hopeless, helpless.
You will not be able to perform
your duties at home and work at
your previous level.
Concern #3: IT has changed you.
You have become someone new to
them. It is almost like a stranger
has taken over not only your
body but your mind as well.
You will not be able to be there for
them like you used to.
In addition to concerns that people have about you, another way to think of the IT problem is to consider IT-talk as a form of bargaining, which often is revealed in the form of a yes/but statement. It might go something like this:
“Yes, I know you’ve experienced
a terrible tragedy, but I want
your old self back.”
“Yes, you are different, but let
me see if I can find a way that
you won’t be so different.”
“Yes, you are hurting, but at
least…”
“Yes, you are hurting, but look
at what your pain is doing to
me.”
A yes/but statement starts out with, “I’m empathetic – or at least I’m trying to be.” But then the next statement changes the focus and comes out sounding something like this: “But I don’t want to admit that the death of your child really has changed you – forever. IT is too much for me to handle, so you do something about IT.”
Much has been written about the clichés of grief, but understanding the thinking behind it can perhaps give you some insight into why in the world people would say such foolish things. You, of course, are the one who shouldn’t have to try “fixing” others who complain, whine, and bemoan about IT. Yet, we all know the essential lesson in relating to the people in our life: the only person you can truly change is yourself. So, what am I getting at? This: the next time someone gives you an IT statement, rather than saying to yourself, “How insensitive,” consider engaging in self-talk that goes something like this: “Okay, okay, calm down. Remember that this person is worried that I have changed forever – and I have. This person is trying to bargain the old ‘me’ back – and that won’t happen.”
So, what can you do? You have three choices:
1. Break off the relationship and never hear about IT from this person again. Perhaps you’ve done that with some people already.
2. Continue putting up with IT-talk, perhaps now realizing the thinking behind some of it. Talk to other TCF parents and compare the IT-statements they’ve heard. Ask them how they’ve dealt with it. The next time you are in conversation with another parent you might say something like, “Say, do you have any suggestions for dealing with IT-problems?”
3. Don’t wait: Write a letter to the person (I know, I know – it takes energy you don’t really have) asking the person to drop specific statements when around you. Finish your note by stating that despite their worries and concerns, you are a different person and nothing – absolutely nothing they say or do – is going to change that. Let me finish with a question: If the roles were reversed and it was you who was engaging in IT-talk, wouldn’t you want your friend to tell you?
I thought so.
Special thanks go to Seattle TCF parent Yola Hauskins, whose following words were the inspiration for this piece: “Bob, I’ve been hearing about IT for years. Will you write something about IT?”
By Bob Baugher, Ph.D.
Des Moines, WA
Bob Baugher is a psychologist and certified death educator who teaches courses in psychology and death education at Highline Community College in Des Moines, WA. He is co-author of several books including A Guide for the Bereaved Survivor and A Guide to Understanding Guilt During Bereavement.
Fort Worth Chapter Meeting
Date: January 14, 2014
Refreshments: If you would like to bring refreshments, please call one of our hospitality committee members.
Check In: 6:30 P.M.
Program Time: 7:00 P.M.
Program: Small Group Discussion
Arborlawn United Methodist Church
5001 Briarhaven Rd., Fort Worth
Driving Directions
From I-20, take the Hulen exit, stay on the service road across Hulen, turn right on International Plaza, the church is on your right.
From I-30, take the Hulen exit and turn left, go 3 miles south on Hulen, turn right on Briarhaven, the church is on your left.
Park on the southwest side of the church.
To those of you who are newly bereaved
and receiving our newsletter for the first time,
we warmly welcome you to The Compassionate Friends. We are a self-help organization
of parents, grandparents and adult siblings
who have experienced the death of a loved one.
We offer understanding and support
through our monthly meetings, a lending library, support materials and loving telephone listeners.
Please do not be afraid to come to a gathering.
Every other person in the room
has lost a child, grandchild or sibling.
They come because they feel the need
to be with someone else who understands.
We know it takes courage to attend that first gathering, but those who do come find an atmosphere
of understanding from others who have experienced
the grief that you have now.
Nothing is asked of you.
There are no dues or fees and you do not have to speak. There is a special feeling at meetings
of The Compassionate Friends.
We meet the second Tuesday of every month.