CHAPTER 8
TRANSCENDING THE EGOTHROUGH
GRATITUDE AND FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is a mystical directive, not a rational one … The ego remains locked into the history of the wound … To forgive an action of humiliation … makes no sense to the reasoning mind that views matters through the lens of innocence and retribution … Our reason demands justice and perhaps vengeance … a desire to hurt others as much as we have been hurt … The need to strike back is essential to the archetype of justice as we honor it. That archetype represents an inherent need in us for fairness, and fair play ... Humiliation ranks among the most difficult personal injuries to forgive[because it] robs us of our primal power of self-protection. It is a violation of the survival instinct, in that we feel we have failed to protect ourselves from one of the most painful of all personal traumas, and the consequences of feeling vulnerable to personal humiliation are devastating. - Caroline Myss, PhD. – author of Defy Gravity
Greg Braden points out in his book,Fractal Timethat the earth and its inhabitants all repeat cycles. Moreover, these cycles tend to grow bigger and more traumatic with each occurrence. For instance, those with childhoods that were filled with fear, distrust, insecurity, abandonment, or lovelessness, are likely to grow up with similar feelings toward God, since parents are the first representations of Godly figures for small children. When these feelings go unresolved, they tend to end up
- incapable of communicating their feelings openly
- without an internal locus of control
- co-dependent and unable to manage their lives
- stuck in the pain of the past, feeding off of fear and misery.
- harboring resentment, anger and non-forgiveness towards parents and others.
As a result, the power of forgiveness and gratitude go unrealized because they are unaware that “forgiveness is a transcendent force that releases you from far more than the individual with whom you have a painful history. Forgiveness releases you from an ego state of consciousness that clings to a need for justice built around the fear of being humiliated, based on prior experiences of humiliation” (Myss 13).
BREAKING THE CYCLE
The question that comes to mind, then, is how to break the cycle of blame, co-dependency and non-forgiveness? One begins byfinding the source event surrounding the issue triggering the cycle. Too often one stays stuck on the details of the pain versus the underlying issue. For instance, an underlying issue in both of my marriages was my need to feel safe with men who were not physically abusive after having been abused as a child. Thus, I attracted men who were unconsciously operating on their feminine side (out of fear of the out of control masculine). They need a woman to give to them, versus operating from the masculine program of giving and providing for the feminine principle to ensure the future survival of his offspring. As a result, I attracted men with broken wings who not only could not fly (i.e., be real men who could support my dreams as I had supported theirs) but men who needed me to help them emotionally reach the level of success they dreamed of in their careers. That was a recipe for co-dependency and resentment. Naturally, when I eventually left them, they felt abandoned while I felt disillusioned about their lack of reciprocity. The issue for me was learning to put my needs first in a relationship and to never sacrifice my dreams or put them on hold to help a mate achieve his goals.
Personal evolution and growth involves a willingness to learn the lesson, to move beyond the injury, and to take the time to heal alone without jumping into another relationship too soon. The process includes developing being mindful of the present moment and consciously choosing to let go of the past each time a painful memory comes. This is accomplished by looking for the gift hidden behind the pain, humiliation or loss and being an objective observer of thoughts as they pop up, then asking:
- What fear lies behind that memory?
- Is that fear still valid in the present moment?
- Was that fear even real back then?
- What part did my pride play in the situation?
- What could I have done differently to affect a win/win?
Once the lesson is learned, move as quickly as possible out of the old, painful memory by choosing to be grateful for healing that relationship from the past, then choosing to be in the moment and focusing on the beauty, awe and wonder of simply being alive. Each moment presents an opportunity to choose thoughts or memories that uplift and inspire versus those that depress or stress the spirit.
In reality, there can be no lasting happiness, peace of mind, or satisfaction in the lives of adult children who fail to find gratitude and forgiveness for everyone. It begins with forgiving the parents or caretakers who could just as easily have abandoned them when they were helpless infants. Thus, a key to calming inner chaos and breaking repetition of painful patterns is a willingness to think outside of the conceptual frameworks absorbed unconsciously during conception, birth and childhood.
It is equally important to create a conscious practice of taking care of one’s own physical, emotional and spiritual needs first. A focus on nurturing the self first when one’s energy, passion for life, or sustenance are in short supply, prevents one from coming to the table of another as a beggar. Besides, no one can meet the needs of another without depleting one’s own supply. The truth is, everyone is innately capable of replenishing their own needs by tapping into the universal bank of infinite supply. The problem is that few are actually taught this basic principle. Instead, people are led to believe in scarcity and competition, which leads them to take from the energy stash of others to meet their needs. This is because they are unaware that everyone is born with their own universal bank inside their minds. The masses simply forgot the password to tap into their very own unlimited ATM cash machines.
The truth is, after learning to put the needs of the self first, one no longer feels needy. Moreover,it becomes easier to receive, appreciate and reciprocate the love given by others when one feels whole, perfect and complete inside. Osho points out that when individuals learn to make their own needs a priority; they will quit walking around beseeching love with a begging bowl. At that point, they will begin to stroll through life like an emperor.
Granted, asking adults, who have been emotionally and/or physically abused or abandoned by a parental figure, to forgive such a parent, let alone be grateful, appears to be asking a lot, especiallyfrom minds mired in the mud of the ego. Such individuals might readily associate forgiveness with self betrayal when, in reality, forgiveness it is the path to salvation and grace. Caroline Myss, PhD, points out that people who have been horribly abused as a child need to have their injuries “witnessed by someone worthy, because witnessing with respect grants dignity to a person’s wounds, and that is essential to the healing process. But remaining in the psyche of the wound, no matter how deep, is like setting up house in a cemetery for the rest of your life.” That is where evolved therapists, teachers, shamans, and ministers play valuable, transformative roles. Even as bleak as the foregoing quote may sound,
Every part of your mind and emotions will battle with a directive to forgive because the ego needs to have its day in court … Reason will partner with pride to produce grand arguments for why you are entitled to maintain your wounds, however you acquired them. Forgiveness is essential to healing because it requires you to surrender your ego’s need to have life fall into place around your personal version of justice … forgiveness … is the act of accepting that there is a greater map of life … Forgiveness is your release from the hell of wanting to know what cannot be known and from wanting to see others suffer because they have hurt you (Myss 30).
Forgiveness represents a struggle not only between yourself and the person who harmed you, but between yourself and God … You begin to comprehend that individual justice, as such, can never really exist in its idyllic form within any society. The capacity to forgive is nothing less than the acceptance of a higher principle of divine justice, rather than earthly justice … when understood through this lens … events and relationships take on an impersonal quality. People’s actions are driven by forces that have nothing to do with you even though you might get harmed when you stand in the way (Myss 13).
Thus, a paradigm shift is necessary to unstick a mind that gets stuck in the pain of the past or is weighted down with non forgiveness and ingratitude. The challenge, however, lies in the fact that finding gratitude for anyone who has abused or harmed another initially feels like self betrayal. Yet, gratitude and forgiveness are prerequisites that open the portals to grace. Grace is bestowed freely for the asking; it need not be earned. An amazing aspect of grace is that it fills one with the satisfaction and peace of mind that many have been seeking through addictive behavior such as over eating, over working, drug and alcohol addiction, thrill seeking, sexual addiction, perpetual drama, craziness and chaos, loneliness, alienation, or estrangement. The ego is masterful at deluding the masses into thinking that addictions will soothe the hurts, pains and betrayals of the past. Any fix the Ego offers, however, is short term, ultimately harmful to the body and spirit, and comes with the price tag of addiction, attachment and co-dependency.
Those who find it difficult to be grateful to others for small favors or lessons that can transform their lives in profound ways, find it equally difficult to be generous toward themselves or to be grateful for the opportunities inherent in adversity. This is understandable.It is human nature to recoil from pain and move toward pleasure.
The irony of adversity, however, is that it can be one’s greatest teacher when one humbles oneself enough to learn its lessons. The first step is to take ownership for acts of omission or commission by acknowledging and accepting responsibility for the fact that individuals are co-creators of their reality. Moreover, one must learn to set boundaries and say “no” to unacceptable behavior from others, or suffer the consequences. Otherwise, abuse or bad treatment will be viewed by the abuser as acceptable, while the victim unwittingly ends up enabling the abuser.
Admittedly, before adolescence, most children do not have the critical thinking skills nor the emotional maturity to make sound, responsible decisions. On the other hand, there are those who do come here with high levels of consciousness (i.e., “old souls”) who are innately able to use the light within them as a form of protection from harm. Others require assistance or guidance from adults in learning how to set boundaries for acceptable social behavior from others that enable them to recognize and cultivate self respect, self reliance and the ability to speak up for themselves.
THE EGOES OF CHILDREN
We all know that children who are overly indulged grow into self indulgent adolescents with no internal locus of control. This results in a sense of entitlement that compels young adults to make unreasonable demands much like a terrible two year old. They tend to be a burden to the household by not contributing to the family and refusing or failing to perform their share of household chores or to pay their share of household expenses. Later, they become a burden to society by not following rules of acceptable behavior or by not respecting the rights and property of others which ends up getting them sent to correctional institutions for truly ridiculous reasons, like failure to pay for moving traffic violations, especially in California, where traffic violations tend to be an easy avenue for LAPD to catch criminals because most are irresponsible, have contempt for laws, feel above the law, or do not have the discipline or presence of mind to take care of their bills. Highly intelligent, sophisticated criminals make it a point to take care of minute details due to a desire to outsmart authorities by not getting caught. They are all too aware of how the system operates and take pride in beating it.
When both parents use precept and example to model discipline and the importance of honoring boundaries, mutual respect, cooperation and consideration, children feel safe from the unmitigated reign of terror from the ego when it takes over residency during “the terrible two’s.” It is a definite hit and miss proposition when only one parent in the household sets the example. Moreover, the consequences tend to be much more serious when the father is the poor example of virtue because children look to the father for discipline and direction and to the mother for love. Single moms, who have to take over the father’s role in addition to her own, run the risk of raising children who confuse fear of discipline with love, or children who resent or fear her for being the disciplinarian. It matters little how much she sacrificed for her children. Single moms would be better off enlisting a male member of the family or a male friend, such as a godfather, who is a good role model, to assume the function of disciplinarian, so that she can be completely available to model love the child.
CAUSE AND CONSEQUENCE FOR BEHAVIOR
Parents who do not get a pre-school child’s ego under control before kindergarten are in for one hell of a ride for the rest of that child’s life since the child’s personality and paradigm are pretty much set by that age. Parents who do not understand the importance of preventing a child’s ego from running amuck or completely taking over, will find it difficult to reframe a child’s view of the world after the age of five. That is why it is important to establish clear rules and boundaries at the onset of egotistical behavior and to set up consequences for violating them. Cause and consequence is more effective than beating the child and far more loving. My point is not to break the child’s spirit, or to domesticate the child, but to help the child grow into an understanding and appreciation for respect, empathy, compassion, consideration and boundaries.
M. Scott Peck, aptly states in The Road Less Traveled that Americans suffer from a “disorder of discipline and a disorder of responsibility.” This is clearly apparent in a large portion of today’s youth. Parents often do not discipline their children because they fear the child’s disapproval or fear being reported to children’s protective services and having the child taken away. Thus, they may choose not to make their children responsible for something as simple as picking up their toys when they are young. Even toddlers can learn this task and will do it willingly when praised or rewarded for the effort. Parents also overlook requiring that toddler’s treat others with consideration or respect during the “terrible two’s,” because they think the child is too young, or that the child cannot understand consideration for others, compassion, and respect and that when they violate these basic tenants of behavior, there are consequences, like no television or no treats or something else they are attached to taken away or denied for a specific period of time, or they get “time out” in a corner where they must sit quietly. Since small children live in the moment, and do not easily grasp the concept of linear time, a few minutes of “time out” or having something they want or love taken away, is like eternity and works wonders. Conversely, the promise of a future reward of something the child loves (hopefully, their favorite “raw” dessert or “raw” chocolate bar) is incentive enough to entice favorable behavior in exchange for something the child wants. Granted, this is all common sense, but a tired, frustrated parent, especially one suffering from any of the many symptoms of Candida is working with foggy thinking.
THE LESSONS OF ADVERSITY
The pain of betrayal by someone who has returned love and loyalty with unkindness or ingratitude feels like a slap in the face. It is also ironic when the offender tries to make amends, the cycle of pain and payback continues if the offer is rebuffed or rejected. Understandably, the offended person may reason that the offender is undeserving; is setting the offended up for another betrayal or heartbreak; or cannot be trusted not to do it again. All of the foregoing may or may not be true. However,it bears pointing out that every individual is: