How to Drive a Stick Shift
by Charles Meyer
A real man must be able to drive a stick shift. Girls hold this skill in great esteem when evaluating a man. They are secretly turned on at the sight of a man who can manually navigate the intricate matrix of streets that shape our modern cities. A girl will cling to the man who can adjust his gears to any situation—whether that be a traffic jam on Stevens Creek or the carpool lane of I-280.
Start up in the first gear. When you throw it in first, your journey is about to begin. Don’t worry if you don’t yet know exactly where you’re going. You can use first just to begin rolling away from your house or apartment building. If you’re waiting on someone who is still inside applying makeup, use the first gear to start moseying your car a few houses down. This tactic will make your missing passenger think you are leaving without her and thereby shock her into expedited action.
Once the two of you are settled in the vehicle, kick it into second gear. Your passenger may apologize for taking so long. Make sure she knows it’s ok by smiling and pushing the pedal to the floor as soon as the stick drops into second. “We’re off!” you might announce as you leave your 25MPH residential street and begin weaving through cars on a more fast-paced thoroughfare.
You should definitely be in third gear by now, and your passenger may be inspired to turn up the volume on your car stereo and roll down her window. This is a good sign; it means your gear-shifting is both smooth enough so that she feels relaxed and rapid enough so that she is as revved up as the engine under your hood. Do not stop if you pass by Third Street Dry Cleaners where you were supposed to pick up your jacket or perhaps the Blockbuster where you forgot to return that movie with Ewan McGregor and Cameron Diaz—what’s is called?—never mind, just don’t stop. You’re driving fast. Any interruption of this momentum could be fatal to the entire journey.
You spot the highway entrance sign. You can almost taste the freedom. Bear right to get on the highway, and immediately send your car into fourth gear. Make sure you’re heading in the right direction. That is to say, don’t get on the 10 East when you mean to go west! Sometimes if you fix your eyes on the horizon ahead, you can feel whether or not you chose the right entrance.
If the horizon affirms your choice, hit up the fast lane in fifth gear. You’re now free to do as you please. There are no stop signs or street lights to dictate your speed or movement. Rely solely on the music, on your instincts and those of your passenger, and on the guidance of your right foot.
If the horizon does not look agreeable, you may want to consider the reverse gear in order to cancel this journey. All you have to do is drive backwards on the freeway, exit through the entrance, reverse through the surface streets, and back into your driveway. Come to a complete stop and put the parking brake on.
The other option is to place the stick into the “neutral” position. Take your foot off the gas, but don’t place it on the brake either. Lean back and turn up the music to the max volume level. Don’t touch the steering wheel, and don’t look in the rear view mirror. Ignore your passenger when she begins to panic.
Just kidding—neither “reverse” nor “neutral” actually works. The only way out is to exit the freeway legally and stop the car. Both your passenger and you should exit the vehicle and walk away in separate directions. Don’t lock the car, though; some time the two of you may want to jump back in for a quick joyride.