Sales 101
An Original Script
By Gregg A. Napoli
FADE IN:
EXT. RUSH HOUR DOWNTOWN CLEVELAND, OHIO.
It’s about 6:30pm and about 95 degrees outside and they haven’t moved a foot in about 20 minutes. Joey drives a truck that makes Sanford and Sons look like a hummer. Its urine colored and painted metallic to hide the rust. There is no air condition and the radio doesn’t work.
Depth
Joey I am not feeling very good, I think I have to dute?
Joey
Dude, you are going to have to hold it, we are in the middle of rush hour and there is no place for you to go!
Depth
Joey I can’t last another five seconds, I am ready to let it go?
Joey
You do it and I will fucking Kill you!
You have some major stomach problems man. Didn’t you know you had to go when we left? Marijuana is really messing you up bro.
Depth
I am going Joey, OH YA, OH YA.
Depth takes a shit in Joey’s truck and it is all over the place and it’s starting to smell.
Joey
You fucking asshole, what the fuck!
Joey Starts to gag and vomits all over himself and then so does Depth from seeing Joey.
EXT. TWO HOURS LATER.
They are still stuck in traffic; they look horrible they are sitting in their own waste staring straight ahead and sweating profusely.
Joey
This is unreal, I am sitting in your shit, I have puke all over me and we haven’t moved in three fucking hours.
Depth
Bro it can get worse, your gas light is on.
Joey
OH shit, we need to get off the freeway right now. The light comes on like a mile before I run out of gas.
Depth
Dude this is a really bad area, and look at us, we have shit and barf on us we are going to get killed.
Joey
What else you want me to do, drive till we run out of gas and hitchhike? Who is going to pick us up? You have shit all over your back and is that fucking corn on the seat?
Depth
Ya.
They slowly pull off the freeway and make a few wrong turns and get gas and make another wrong turn. They are smack dab in the middle of the ghetto.
EXT. DUSK ALL BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.
They see a black guy on the corner and pull over to ask for directions.
Depth
Joey you sure you want to pull over?
Joey
Hey Dude, can you help us we are lost man.
Guy on the corner
Where do you need to go, you know what I am sayin
Joey
Yes, I know what your saying
Guy on the corner
Where are you trying to get too you know what I am sayin, and you guys smell like shit do you know what I am sayin
Joey
Ya I know what your saying
Guy on corner
What is this whose on first mother fucker you know what I am saying?
Joey
I know what your saying.
Guy
Yo Cracker you fuckin with me you know what I am sayin!
Depth covers Joey’s mouth.
Depth
Dude shut the Hell up DO YOU KNOW WHAT I am saying
Guy on the corner
You best get the fuck out of here before I put a gat in your head you know what I am saying
Joey and Depth
(together)
We know what you’re saying.
Joey and Depth pull away and drive off to get back on the right road home.
Depth
Joey that was fucked up man
Joey
I know he wanted to know if I understood him and then got upset.
EXT. JOEYS DRIVEWAY
Joey pulls up to the house and opens the door. He walks in his house.
Joey
Leslie I am home…where is everyone?
Leslie
I am upstairs changing the baby, can you check on Alexa she is in our room. She has been very quiet.
Joey walks to there room and opens the door. He is horrified because Alexa is stomping paint balls all over there carpet like you would stomp grapes.
Joey
Holy shit Alexa what the hell are you doing? Leslie, Alexa got into my paint balls there all over the god dam place.
Leslie
(shouting)
Well clean it up.
Joey
(under his breath)
This is messed up man. I need to clean me up and my fucking car.
Blackout:
The opening credits shows a person typing on their computerusing map quest. They are typing the address of Ralph Naples house. Once the typing is complete using the typist’soriginal location as the starting point. The camera zooms in close and show a car driving on the screen from the person typing destination to the Naples house as the car gets closer to The Naples house, the Car speeds up and
Drivesup to Ralph’s front door and stops at the door.
EXT. RALPH NAPLES FRONT DOOR
Guy standing at the door with balloons.
Door knocker/delivery (excited)
Hi, I am Steve from Inflatableimages; I’m dropping off the balloons you ordered for tomorrow.
Ralph
Thank you, you can put them all right by the dining room table, thanks.
Door knocker/delivery guy
Very well, its already been paid for. Have a wonderful party. Thank you for Using Inflatable images.
Ralph
(Shuts door)
Thank you, have a nice evening.
INT. NIGHT NAPLES HOUSE
Family is getting ready for Peri’s birthday party. Peri is the Naples’s 6 year old daughter and they are preparing for the families to come over and celebrate. Ralph Naples’s son is having a sleep over with some of his friends.
Ralph
HeyCory, PROMISE ME, look in my eyes that you will behave tonight! It’s your sister’sparty tomorrow bud and we don’t want any problems.
Gabbish.YOU will not have a sleep over ever again! With everything going on your mother didn’t want this little party. It’s both our asses if you mess up. GOT IT!
Cory
No problem Dad, just me Danny and Kevin. We got a few movies and video games. Don’t sweat it. We will be as quiet as a mute pop.
INT. CORYS BEDROOM EVENING
Cory’s room is in the basement and he has a few boys over and is plotting fun for the night
Cory
(Devilish grin)
Gentleman, are we ready for an evening of fun and hyjinx! We have all of our stuff correct? Danimal would you do me the honors and please read from our checklist.
Danny aka danimal
Sir yes sir, we have one dozen farm fresh eggs, very plump tomatoes, and three bags of dog shit courtesy of Maxxie boy. And two ply toilet paper because one ply just isn’t enough.
Cory
Well boys, we wait for the nut jobs upstairs to go to bed and we are ready to go. All in say I.
Friends
I, hey Cory who are we egging?
Cory
(Smiling, laughing)
Glad you should ask my friend. (Long Pause) My neighbors right across the street.
Danny
Are you insane, your parents will see us and that is way to balzy. I just got out of my grounding from the last sleep over dude. I can’t go back to grounding. My girlfriend dumped me for bed head aka (Justin) man.
Cory
Yes it is. Or is it so sane that it blows your mind. Think about it my friends, who would have the balls to trash the house right across the street. (We have those balls) Also, I hate those people, and they hate us and its go time! Check your pants for balls and let’s go.
Friends
Dude, they are going to know its you.Remember when we put marshmallow cream on their car, and it froze.They put cameras up and watched your
house. I bet they still have them up. Way too risky man.
Cory
Did we get caught?
Friends
No.
Cory
Exactly. That was classic wasn’t it. Marshmallow cream on a Lexus. Yummy.
Blackout:
Ext.Flashback
Back to the time they put the marshmallow on the car and seeing them go the car the next morning.
Cory
Grow some or go upstairs and have a sleep over with my 6 year old sister. Who is in?
Friends
We are in dude. Is that all we are doing?
Cory
(Hands to chin and ponders)
I have 30 bucks for any of you that will go to Old Mr. Asspants house, dress up in my sisters Halloween costume and go trick or treating to his house and five other houses that we hand pick. A little fear factor if you will.
Friends
Halloween is over Cory.
Cory
Exactly dumbshit. Who has the guts? I pick the houses.
Friend
So I have to dress up as a goddamm tellitubbie and go trick or treating?
Cory
Yes, you will be a legend I promise. Imagine when word gets out. You will have more women than me after you.
EXT. OUTSIDE EVENING
One of Cory’s friends have his Halloween costume on. The go trick or treating first. Then do the egging.
Scenes of the trick or treating and finally the egging, and toilet papering the house. As they try to egg, they drop the eggs, they fall and make a mess and leave a trail to the Naples house. They come back and sneak in and Cory is a bit cold so he turns the heat up to the highest degree on the thermostat.
INT. NEXT MORNING NAPLES HOUSE
Ralph wakes up soaked in sweat, he looks over to his wifeRene and she is sweating too. He goes down stairs and the windows are steamed. He looks at the thermostat and freaks out.
Ralph
(Pissed)
What the HELL, that kid. CORY GODDAMMIT!!
INT. SAME MORNING RALPHS PARENTS BATHROOM
His dad is bald but uses the spray on hair, scene is dad applying the spray, while his wife tells him it looksridiculous and painted on. They are getting ready to come to patties party. They are both in the small bathroom.
Ralph’s Mom
Honey, please for me.You look ridiculous, if it gets wet it drips you know and the spray stains the walls. Look what Cory wrote last time he was here. Would you just wear it natural, we have to leave soon and you look like you have paint on your head.
Zoom on the wall with the writing REDRUM on the wall behind the mirror.
Ralph’s dad
Nobody can notice my hair. My friends never say anything, what time is the party?
Ralph’s mom
They don’t say anything because either there blind or they have a hair piece that makes your
Paint hair look good. Do you know people laugh at you and I am afraid to go out in public with you.
Ralph’s Dad
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
INT. SAME MORNING RALPHS BROTHER IN LAWS HOUSE.
The Kovachs are getting ready, the house is a mess and the kids are screaming.
Joey
Leslie what time are we going to your brothers? I gotta finish a tile job with Depth. I need my money from the fucking builder...
Leslie
We are leaving in a little over an hour; get the kids ready for me.
Joe
I worked all week; we are out of diapers by the way.Hey,this house is a mess and I have to go to a job to pay the bills babe.
Leslie
Freddie has two in his drawer, get one out NOW!
Joe
Make sure you pack the kids shit up for the party! I got to do a job quick before we go.
Leslie
Are you nuts, we are going in less than two hours. Alexa is writing on the walls again can you check on her.
INT. ALEXAS BEDROOM
Alexa is in thebedroom writing on the wall which has been written on many times before. There you can see all the beds in one room. She has a fascination with Chucky from the movies and draws him on the wall all over the place.
Joe
Depth and I have a tile job to touch up, you do it I gotta go.
Leslie
No
EXT. JOEY IN HIS TRUCK
Joe leaves the house in his beat up truck. Joe freshly painted the truck in a glitter yellow spray that is for walls not cars. He drives to pick up Depth at his house that they rent from Joes Mom. Its upstairs and a mess. He goes inside and they are watching the wizard of Oz, which is the only movie they watch over and over again. Joe goes in and it’s a mess. There are 4 guys that live there. They are stoners and complete slobs. Cripple is a 300 pound guy who works at a jiffy lube, he shits himself a lot. He is sleeping in his room and they walk in and seefeces and chips, and all kinds of stuff in the room. They leave to do a quick job and fire up a bowl on the way.
Joe
Dude we have to get this job done quickly, it’s my nieces birthday party.
Depth
Cool, can I come to the party
Joe
No fucking way dude, Leslie hates you and her brother didn’t invite you. Plus your f-d in the head and you scare everyone.LOOK AT YOU.
Depth
Fuck them; hey I am working on another pitch for my major league tryout. Nobody can hit this pitch. It is a curveball, slider, knuckleball.
YO YO, hey Stop over at that park so we can throw a few.
Joe
Show me tomorrow, we don’t have time for that today. We gotta fly through this job dude, no messing around. Got it.
Depth
Come on pussy, 10 min. You got your glove don’t you?
Joe
Ya I got it, ok 5 min.
EXT. BALLPARK
Joe and Depth pull up to the ballpark and some kids are playing, they walk up to the field.
Depth
Dudes, hey can we use the mound for a min?
Kids
No we are in the middle of a game, bro
Depth
Come on, I want to show my buddy a new pitch.
Kids,
Show us, why don’t you guys play with us?
Depth
You little shits are on. Remember no crying in baseball puss boys
Joe
Depth we cant we have a job to get too and I have a party in less than an hour that I have to go home and get the fam man.
Kids
You guys a bunch of pussys are you afraid?
Joe/Depth
Let’s rock, little shits. You’re going down. Like the shitstains that you are.
They play the game and they look like a bunch of idiots. They play for a while, when Joes Cell phone rings. Depth is pitching and getting rocked by the kids, they are laughing at him.
Leslie
Where ARE YOU?
Joe
We are working on the job I told you about.
Leslie
Hmm, shit for brains, my sister drove by and saw you playing baseball with some 10 year olds, you see monkey boy, there is only one truck in this city that is painted with glitter the color of
urine and a truck that is held together by string.
Joe
No way, we are working. Gotta go
Leslie
You stupid mother@*&^#. (HeHangs up)
INT. NEW DEVELOPMENT
Joey and Depth pull up the new house they aretiling, and need to finish today.
Joey
Ok let’sgo;let’s finish this quick so we can get paid. OK.
Depth
Joey, I have to take a dump real real bad! I mean real bad man
Joe
Go ahead, what the fuck you telling me for.
Depth
There is no Porto potty around here man, and the toilets aren’t in the house yet?
Joe
Can you wait; we don’t have time to leave
Depth
Dude I am going to dute in my pants
Joe
Go down the road to the gas station
Depth
I really got to dute man, hey is that a shoe box? (long pause) I will use that.
Joe
Are you fucking high! I need more work from this builder you asswipe!
Depth
Yes I am high, but I have to dute now! (Depth is sweating) I can’t make it man, my svinktor is loose from the weed man, and I gotta go bad man!
Depth takes the shoe box and goes into the corner and shits in the box.
Depth
Joey I need toilet paper, I am overflowing the box dude. Do you have another box?
Joey
You are a freaking moron dude, what the hell are you doing, Your shitting in a shoe box, I don’t have any toilet paper man. And why are you doing it right in front of me, there are 20 fucking rooms in this house. I don’t want to watch you shit.
Depth
Joey what am I going to do, I can close the box its over the box man, I need toilet paper or a something! It’s on me and now on the carpet man.
Joey
Bro, I can’t help you. You better clean up I am not helping you clean yourself you idiot. What is the fucking matter with you Depth?
Cut to:
As Joe looks out the window the homeowners are coming in to see the house with their family and the builder.
Joey
Holy shit the owners are coming in, with the fucking builder man.
Depth
Dude I am not done yet
Joey
You get done NOW!
Depth
I am still going Joey, I can’t stop man.
Joey
There coming up to the front door. Hurry!!
They open the door and all look in at Joey and Depth. Depth is still shitting in the box. And the family is horrified. The little kid is laughing and he takes a pic with his camera phone.