What is sibling abuse?

Sibling abuse is the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of one sibling by another [1]. The physical abuse can range from relatively mild forms of aggression occurring between siblings, such as pushing and shoving, to extremely violent behavior such as the use of weapons.

Often parents don’t recognize the abuse for what it is.Typically, parents and society expect fights and other physical forms of aggression to occur among siblings. Because of this, sibling abuse often is not seen as a problem until serious injuries occur. Another factor is that in some cases, siblings may switch back and forth between the roles of abuser and victim.

Besides the immediate dangers of sibling abuse, the abuse can cause all kinds of problems on into adulthood. Being abused by a sibling can really mess up a person's life.

How common is sibling abuse?

Research shows that violence between siblings is quite common. In fact, it is probably even more common than child abuse (by parents) or spouse abuse 1. The most violent members of American families are the children. It has been estimated that three children in 100 are dangerously violent toward a brother or sister 2. Likewise, many researchers have estimated sibling incest to be much more common than parent-child incest. It seems that when abusive acts occur between siblings, they are often not perceived as abuse 3.

How do I identify abuse? What is the difference between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry ?

At times, all siblings squabble and call each other mean names, and some young siblings will "play doctor". But here is the difference between typical sibling behavior and abuse: If one child is always the victim and the other child is always the aggressor, it is an abusive situation.

Some possible signs of sibling abuse are:

  • One child always avoids their sibling
  • A child has changes in behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits, or has nightmares
  • A child acts out abuse in play
  • A child acts out sexually in inappropriate ways

For more information:

  • Is it rivalry or abuse?
  • Potential warning signs for violence in children and teens
  • Sibling conflicts: roughhousing vs. abuse

What are some of the risk factors for sibling abuse?

Much more research needs to be done to find out how and why sibling abuse happens. Some risk factors are:

  • Parents are not around much at home
  • Parents are not very involved in their children's lives, or are emotionally unavailable to them
  • Parents accept sibling rivalry as part of family life, rather than working to minimize it
  • Parents do not stop children when they are violent (they may assume it was accidental or part of a two-way fight)
  • Parents increase competition among children by:
  • playing favorites
  • comparing children
  • labeling or type-casting children (even casting kids in positive roles is harmful)
  • Parents have not taught children about sexuality and about personal safety
  • Parents and children are in denial that there is a problem
  • Children have inappropriate family roles, for example, they are burdened with too much care-taking responsibility for a younger sibling
  • Children are exposed to violence:
  • in their family
  • in the media
  • among their peers
  • in their neighborhoods
  • Children have been sexually abused or witnessed sexual abuse
  • Children have access to pornography

How can I prevent abuse from taking place between my children?

  • Minimize the rivalries between your children.
  • Set ground rules to prevent emotional abuse, and stick to them. For example, make it clear you will not tolerate name-calling, teasing, belittling, intimidating, or provoking.
  • Don't give your older children too much responsibility for your younger kids. For example, use after-school care programs, rather than leaving older children in charge of younger ones after school.
  • Set aside time regularly to talk with your children individually, especially after they've been alone together.
  • Know when to intervene in your kids’ conflicts, to prevent an escalation to abuse.
  • Learn to mediate conflicts.
  • Model good conflict resolution skills for your children.
  • Model non-violence for your children.
  • Teach your children to "own" their own bodies.
  • Teach them to say “no” to unwanted physical contact.
  • Create a family atmosphere where sexual issues and problems can be discussed.
  • Monitor your kids’ media choices (TV, video games, and Internet surfing), and either participate and then discuss the inappropriate media messages or ban the poor choices.
  • In short, stay actively involved in your kids’ lives.

Find out more about:

  • Raising children to resist violence
  • Raising children to be gentle and caring

What should I do if there's abuse going on between my kids?

When one sibling hits, bites, or physically tortures a brother or sister, the normal rivalry has become abuse. You can't let this dangerous behavior continue. Here's what to do:

  • Whenever violence occurs between children, separate them.
  • After a cooling off period, bring all the kids involved into a family meeting (See Sibling Rivalry for more on family meetings.)
  • Gather information on facts and feelings.
  • State the problem as you understand it.
  • Help the kids work together to set a positive goal. For example, they will separate themselves and take time to cool off when they start arguing.
  • Brainstorm many possible solutions to the problem, and ways to reach the goal.
  • Talk together about the list of solutions and pick the ones that are most acceptable to everyone.
  • Write up a contract together that states the rights and responsibilities of each child. Include a list of expected behavior, and consequences for breaking the code of conduct.
  • Make sure you don't ignore, blame, or punish the victim.
  • Make your expectations and the family rules very clear.
  • Continue to carefully monitor your kids' interactions in the future.
  • Help your kids learn how to manage their anger .

If problems continue or violent behavior is extreme your family should get professional help.

Can sibling relationships have lasting effects into adulthood?

In the last few years, more research has been done on the lasting effects of early experiences with sisters and brothers. Siblings can have strong, sometimes long-lasting effects on one another's emotional development as adults.

Research indicates that long-term effects of sibling abuse can include:

  • Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem
  • Inability to trust; relationship difficulties
  • Alcohol and drug addiction
  • Eating disorders

Even less extreme sibling rivalry during childhood can create insecurity and poor self-image in adulthood. Sibling conflict does not have to be physically violent to take a long-lasting emotional toll. Emotional abuse, which includes teasing, name-calling, and isolation can also do long term damage.

What are some sources of additional information and support?

  • The National Child Abuse Hotline—Call 1-800-422-4453 or 1-800-4-A-CHILD . This number provides crisis counseling, child abuse reporting information, and information and referrals for every county in the United States. Referrals include national, state, and local agencies. The hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week by mental health professionals. You can also call your local Department of Social Services. Their telephone numbers are listed in the phone book in the CountyGovernment section.
  • Understanding Abuse: Sibling Abuse
  • A parents' guide to sibling sexual abuse —this informative guide includes links at the end to age-appropriate booklets to help kids and teens who have been abused.
  • Also available in French , Spanish , and German .
  • Sibling Fights: Why kids quarrel…and what parents can do about it
  • Sibling Abuse Survivors Information and Advocacy Network (SASIAN)
  • Lengthy annotated bibliography on sibling abuse from the National Agricultural Library and Maryland Cooperative Extension.

Related YourChild resources:

  • Sibling Rivalry
  • Behavior Problems
  • Parenting Resources
  • Siblings of Children with Special Needs
  • New Baby Sibling

What are some good books about sibling abuse?

What Parents Need to Know About Sibling Abuse: Breaking the Cycle of Violence, by Vernon R. Wiehe

A guide just for parents to preventing and addressing verbal and physical sibling abuse.

Sibling Abuse : Hidden Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Trauma, by Vernon R. Wiehe

Written for parents and therapists, a social worker addresses the social problem of the abuse of one sibling by another. He presents testimony from victims, identifies criteria for evaluating sibling interactions, and provides guidelines for prevention and treatment.

Sibling Abuse Trauma: Assessment and Intervention Strategies for Children, Families, and Adults by John Caffaro and Allison Conn-Caffaro

Written for professionals. Integrating theory, research, and their clinical experiences, the authors address sibling relationship development, and sibling physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. Includes risk factors, case studies, and interviews.

Not Child's Play: An Anthology on Brother-Sister Incest, by Risa Shaw

This anthology of short stories, poetry, prose and art by women survivors of brother-sister sexual abuse brings the issue out in the open in an empowering way. The collection may be useful for survivors (teens and up) and their families, and for counselors/therapists.

What books can help kids with anger management?

Hot Stuff to Help Kids Chill Out: The Anger Management Book , by Jerry Wilde

Speaks directly to children and teens in a language they can easily understand to help them manage their anger rather than be controlled by it. Try reading and discussing it with your children.

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Literature Cited:

1 Frazier BH, Hayes KC. Selected Resources on Sibling Abuse: An Annotated Bibliography For Researchers, Educators and Consumers. SRB 94 – 08 Special Reference Briefs. 1994. Available at URL: Accessed 8 August 2004.

2Strauss, MA, Gelles RJ, editors. Family violence in American families: risk factors and adaptations to violence in 8,145 families. New Brunswick, NY: Transaction Publishers; 1990.

3 American Psychological Association, press release. Childhood sibling abuse common, but most adults don't remember it that way, study finds. Available at URL: Accessed 8 August 2004.

Other Reference:

Needleman, R. Sibling rivalry. In: Parker S, Zuckerman B, editors. Behavioral and developmental pediatrics.Boston: Little, Brown & Company; 1995. p. 384-386.

Reviewed by faculty and staff at the University of Michigan

Updated October 2005

U-M Health System Related Sites:
U-M C.S. Mott Children's Hospital
Department of Psychiatry
U-M Pediatrics

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