Negotiation for Women

Negotiation for Women: The Dual Aspects of Outcome and Relationship

Delee Fromm

Men and women view negotiating differently. Research shows that men ask for things they want and initiate negotiations far more often than women – 3 to 4 times more often. The majority of women report that negotiating is an unpleasant experience, especially when negotiating for themselves, and 20% say they don’t negotiate at all. In interviews women indicate that if they cannot figure out a way to avoid negotiations, they approach them with sweaty palms and a high level of anxiety.

So why is the way most women view or approach negotiation problematic? Because the choices we make during negotiations shape our careers and our lives into the future. Isolated negotiations fold into larger and more important ones. How we are viewed by others is determined by how well we hold our own in negotiations – both the formal and the day-to-day kind. To give a concrete example of the problem, research suggests that the huge wage disparity between males and females is due to this difference in approach to negotiation. So mastery of, and ease in negotiation is very important for women.

So why is there such a big difference between the sexes in the area of negotiation? One important factor is the different emphasis placed on outcome and relationship. All negotiations can be placed on a continuum with relationships at one end and outcome at the other. At the outcome end would be negotiations for cars, appliances and real estate – those negotiations where the price and features of the purchased items are paramount and the relationship with the salesperson or broker of little importance. At the other end – the relationship end – would be negotiations with family, friends and work colleagues. These are people with whom you have an ongoing relationship and the outcome of one negotiation is much less important than the relationship as a whole.

Although both aspects exist in any negotiation – most men focus on outcome or results. In contrast most women tend to place greater importance on the relationship aspect in almost every type of negotiation. As a result women sometimes allow relationship to get in the way of achieving their desired outcomes. They fall into the “trying to keep everyone happy” trap. Without recognizing this tendency they give in even when the outcome is important to them. Or they may take what is offered without asking or negotiating for something different.

So what can you do if you overemphasize relationship in negotiation? Being aware is the first step. Without awareness, this bias toward relationship continues to exist and affect all of your negotiations. You can use this awareness to think about relationship and outcome separately before each negotiation and determine which is most important. If you determine that outcome is most important, that will help you to: select an appropriate strategy, such as competitive strategy; focus on your goals, and walk away if the outcome is not as good as you want. If relationship is more important than outcome then the negotiation strategy selected will be different and your flexibility greater to accept less.

A second step is to employ your preference for connectedness in a conscious and skilful way. That is, using relationship skills as a strength in the negotiation process. The type of negotiation strategy that emphasizes connectedness is collaborative or “principled” negotiation. This is where both sides use problem solving rather than competitive activity to negotiate and where the goal is to find ways of satisfying everyone’s interests. This is the most sophisticated and effective type of negotiation and it is a natural fit for women. It employs tools such as “options”, “brainstorming” and “expanding the pie” to reach mutually satisfactory agreements.

It is important to note that “giving in” does not build, enhance or maintain good relationships. It may avoid arguments in the short term but it also eliminates the opportunity to learn how to talk through problems and to become skilful at reaching solutions. By using a collaborative type strategy, both the outcome and the relationship can be maximized.

Women can become better and more relaxed negotiators by being aware of the dual aspects of negotiation and determining the significance of each aspect before a negotiation. Hopefully then, negotiation will be viewed as an opportunity that opens up choices and not as an occasion that forces them to take what is offered.

/ DELEE FROMM is both a lawyer and a psychologist. She is a former partner of McCarthy Tetrault LLP, the largest law firm in Canada, where she practiced commercial real estate for 17 years. While practicing law she also lectured and conducted workshops on negotiation and mediation for the firm as well as for the Rotman School of Management, the University of Toronto Law School, Osgoode Hall Law School, Insight Conferences, Atlas Information, the Ontario Bar Association, and the Law Society of Upper Canada.
Prior to her career in law she was a senior member of the Department of Neuropsychology at Alberta Hospital, Edmonton as well as a private clinical consultant. During her eight year career as a neuropsychologist she presented and published extensively in the area of brain and abnormal behavior.
Now as a partner of Fromm & Goodhand and a consultant in the areas of negotiation and leadership, she lectures, gives speeches and conducts workshops for a variety of organizations including major corporations, charitable organizations, universities and law firms. She continues to conduct McCarthy Tetrault's national workshops on negotiation and mediation advocacy, and also teaches at Osgoode Hall Law School, at the undergraduate and graduate levels. You may contact Ms. Fromm by e-mail at