Part 3: Understanding Family Systems Session 8

This guide is designed as a tool to follow along with the DVD series.

Family Systems & Boundaries – Jean LaCour, Roles – John Cox

Overview:

  1. The Family as a System
  2. Dysfunctional Family Systems
  1. Bonding
  2. Boundaries
  3. Roles
  4. Rules
  5. Rituals
  1. Understanding Codependency
  1. The Family as a System
  1. Early Discoveries/Simple Systems

Characteristics of “Systems”

Adult Children of Alcoholics

  1. A Systems Model (from “Contrary to Love”, Carnes)

Elements of The Model: Cohesion

Elements of the Model: Adaptability

  1. Dysfunctional Development Cycle

What’s a “Dysfunctional Family”?

  1. Dysfunctional Family Bonding

Process of Developing

Influences on Development

  1. Dysfunctional Family Boundaries

Process of Developing

Influences on Development

Poor Boundaries

  • Perfectionist
  • Selfishness
  • Parental idealization
  • Controlled madness
  • Punishing, permissive
  • Unhealthy competition
  • Abuse toleration
  • Disabled will – lack of freedom
  • Diffused intergenerational boundaries
  • Enmeshment – identity loss
  • Unrealistically high expectations

BOUNDARIES: A POEM

Boundaries ……

They define you, They give you shape

They let you know who you are

Boundaries …..

You always have boundaries

Let someone else choose them and they’re restrictions

Choose them yourself and they’re Principles!

BALANCING BONDS AND BOUNDARIES
EXTABLISHING BONDS / ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES

See Genogram Worksheet: Finding Family Patterns

  1. Dysfunctional Family Roles

Purpose

Major Roles (Video: “The Bottle Family”)

  • Enabler/Rescuer
  • Responsible Child/Hero
  • Scapegoat/Rebel
  • Lost Child
  • Mascot/Clown
  • Placator/Peacemaker

Impact

  1. Dysfunctional Family Rules

Development

Most Common/Powerful (Video:“Children of Denial”)

  • Don’t Talk – Rule of Silence
  • Don’t Trust – Rule of Isolation
  • Don’t Feel – Rule of Denial
  • Don’t rock the boat – Rule of Rigidity

The Full List (from “Lost in the Shuffle”, by Robert Suby)

  • It’s not ok to talk about problems in public.
  • It’s not ok to talk about/express feelings openly.
  • Don’t address issues of relationships directly.
  • Always be strong, good, perfect.
  • Don’t be selfish.
  • Do as I say, not as I do.
  • It’s not ok to play.
  • Don’t talk about sex.
  • Don’t rock the boat.

Impact

  1. Dysfunctional Family Rituals (AKA: Games People Play)

Definition/Purpose

Most Common Rituals

  • Blame game
  • Shame game
  • Performance trap
  • Approval addict
  • Sex games
  • Self-sabotage
  • Power monger
  1. Understanding Codependency
  1. Karpman Triangle

Persecutor

Rescuer Victim

  1. Characteristic Patterns of the Codependent

Excessive caretaking / Low Self-esteem / Repression
Obsession / Dependency / Lack of trust
Controlling / Poor communication / Anger
Denial / Weak boundaries / Sexual problems
  1. Traits of the Codependent

Self-Forfeiture, Resigned to helplessness
Self-Contempt, Resigned to worthlessness
Self-Importance, Desperate to control
Self-Sufficiency, Desperate to Stay Safe
Self-Deception, Committed to denial
Anger, Rage
Fear, Obsession
  1. Four Origins of Codependency: Survival, ACOA, Obedience to False Rules, Spiritual Striving