Part 3: Understanding Family Systems Session 8
This guide is designed as a tool to follow along with the DVD series.
Family Systems & Boundaries – Jean LaCour, Roles – John Cox
Overview:
- The Family as a System
- Dysfunctional Family Systems
- Bonding
- Boundaries
- Roles
- Rules
- Rituals
- Understanding Codependency
- The Family as a System
- Early Discoveries/Simple Systems
Characteristics of “Systems”
Adult Children of Alcoholics
- A Systems Model (from “Contrary to Love”, Carnes)
Elements of The Model: Cohesion
Elements of the Model: Adaptability
- Dysfunctional Development Cycle
What’s a “Dysfunctional Family”?
- Dysfunctional Family Bonding
Process of Developing
Influences on Development
- Dysfunctional Family Boundaries
Process of Developing
Influences on Development
Poor Boundaries
- Perfectionist
- Selfishness
- Parental idealization
- Controlled madness
- Punishing, permissive
- Unhealthy competition
- Abuse toleration
- Disabled will – lack of freedom
- Diffused intergenerational boundaries
- Enmeshment – identity loss
- Unrealistically high expectations
BOUNDARIES: A POEM
Boundaries ……
They define you, They give you shape
They let you know who you are
Boundaries …..
You always have boundaries
Let someone else choose them and they’re restrictions
Choose them yourself and they’re Principles!
BALANCING BONDS AND BOUNDARIESEXTABLISHING BONDS / ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES
See Genogram Worksheet: Finding Family Patterns
- Dysfunctional Family Roles
Purpose
Major Roles (Video: “The Bottle Family”)
- Enabler/Rescuer
- Responsible Child/Hero
- Scapegoat/Rebel
- Lost Child
- Mascot/Clown
- Placator/Peacemaker
Impact
- Dysfunctional Family Rules
Development
Most Common/Powerful (Video:“Children of Denial”)
- Don’t Talk – Rule of Silence
- Don’t Trust – Rule of Isolation
- Don’t Feel – Rule of Denial
- Don’t rock the boat – Rule of Rigidity
The Full List (from “Lost in the Shuffle”, by Robert Suby)
- It’s not ok to talk about problems in public.
- It’s not ok to talk about/express feelings openly.
- Don’t address issues of relationships directly.
- Always be strong, good, perfect.
- Don’t be selfish.
- Do as I say, not as I do.
- It’s not ok to play.
- Don’t talk about sex.
- Don’t rock the boat.
Impact
- Dysfunctional Family Rituals (AKA: Games People Play)
Definition/Purpose
Most Common Rituals
- Blame game
- Shame game
- Performance trap
- Approval addict
- Sex games
- Self-sabotage
- Power monger
- Understanding Codependency
- Karpman Triangle
Persecutor
Rescuer Victim
- Characteristic Patterns of the Codependent
Excessive caretaking / Low Self-esteem / Repression
Obsession / Dependency / Lack of trust
Controlling / Poor communication / Anger
Denial / Weak boundaries / Sexual problems
- Traits of the Codependent
Self-Forfeiture, Resigned to helplessness
Self-Contempt, Resigned to worthlessness
Self-Importance, Desperate to control
Self-Sufficiency, Desperate to Stay Safe
Self-Deception, Committed to denial
Anger, Rage
Fear, Obsession
- Four Origins of Codependency: Survival, ACOA, Obedience to False Rules, Spiritual Striving