Copyright Robert Bailey 2015
GETTING IT
EXT. Front of house/street.
We see OLDER OLIVIA, late 30s-40s, getting out of a car and walking into her house. OLDER SCOTT, of similar age, is sitting in the driver's seat of a car across the street watching this, while drinking coffee. His two adolescent sons are with him, laughing and playing with their phones in the backseat.
SON 1
Hey, you want to see the
video of Amanda getting
off with Stewart?
SON 2
Yeah, who sent it to
you?
SON 2 looks at SON 1's phone, and they both laugh.
OLDER SCOTT
You know kids, in my day
it was a lot harder to
access porn and sex.
It was even frowned upon.
SON 1
You miss mum don't you?
OLDER SCOTT shakes his head.
OLDER SCOTT
Nope. Back in the 1980s,
before your ma it was
Olivia Hancock I wanted.
INT. House in the 1980s (or 90s).
Adolescent SCOTT (about 12-15 years), and his adolescent sister ALISON, and their MOTHER are praying together.
MOTHER
Our Father who art in
heaven, hallowed by thy
name...
SCOTT is staring out the window at OLIVIA HANCOCK, an adolescent neighbour who is playing/riding a bike/getting out of a car outside. His MOTHER, and ALISON notice this.
MOTHER
Thy kingdom come, thy will
be done... Hey!
SCOTT swivels his attention back to MOTHER.
MOTHER
You're not staring at
Olivia Hancock again
I hope?
SCOTT
No. I was looking out
to heaven. When you said
'heaven'.
ALISON
I saw him staring at her
at school again today.
His MOTHER is not impressed with this, and begins to get hysterical.
MOTHER
Don't you ever talk to the
Hancocks. They're awful
people. I know they stole
the gnomes of our porch,
piss into our bushes, and
tried to poison me with their
cake. They're the neighbours
from hell! The neighbours
from hell!
SCOTT
Geez mum, don't lose your
shit over some gnomes.
Upon hearing this, the MOTHER whips out a slipper/thong/shoe from her bra and starts slapping SCOTT over the head with it.
MOTHER
Language! Language!
Language, Scott!
INT. Bedroom
SCOTT is giggling and play fighting with OLIVIA in his bedroom.
His MOTHER wanders towards the bedroom door in some suspicion.
MOTHER
Hey!
SCOTT and OLIVIA pause playing on hearing this.
SCOTT
Oh, you better run.
OLIVIA dives out the window.
MOTHER
What's that squealing?!
SCOTT
I'm watching a documentary
about pigs.
SCOTT creeps over to the bedroom door, and quietly opens it slightly to check his MOTHER has gone. He then closes the door, and goes over and sits in a corner of his bedroom, where he takes a Jacaranda Atlas from a shelf. He opens the atlas, and opens within it a porno mag. He sits there taking it in.
SCOTT
Geez, what the hell are
they doing.
SCOTT suddenly hears someone walking towards the door.
SCOTT
Oh, shit.
SCOTT quickly closes the Jacaranda Atlas and chucks it into the shelf. His sister ALISON opens the door to find SCOTT diving over to his homework on his desk, and sitting down.
ALISON
Hey, Scott? Scott, what
are you doing?
SCOTT
Oh, nothing
ALISON
Right. Anyway, have you got
my Jacaranda Atlas?
ALISON looks over SCOTT’s bedroom.
SCOTT
Um, your Jacaranda Atlas?
No, go away please.
ALISON sees the Atlas in the shelf.
ALISON
Yes, you have, there it is.
SCOTT
Err, that’s yours? That
was from the book shelf in the
lounge.
ALISON
Yes, but it’s actually one
of my textbooks, and the teacher
said we now need it.
ALISON takes the Atlas from the shelf, and SCOTT stands up and bounds over to her.
SCOTT
Oh, but I think I still need
it at the moment, can’t you
use another atlas?
ALISON
No.
SCOTT grabs the Atlas, and tries to tug it from ALISON.
SCOTT
Come on, I’m still using it…
SCOTT and ALISON both start tugging on the Atlas, fighting over it, briefly.
ALISON
No, you weren’t.
SCOTT
There’s other atlases in the
lounge, you don’t have to use
this one.
ALISON
Pfft, why are you fussing over
an atlas?!
ALISON finally tugs the Atlas from SCOTT. She opens it up to check the edition.
ALISON
Yes, this is the one.
SCOTT
Aw, God.
SCOTT feels guilty. ALISON finds the porno magazine inserted in the Atlas.
ALISON
Err, what the hell is this?
Yuck! What are these people
doing in this?
You disgraceful sicko!
SCOTT
They’re just… biology diagrams.
ALISON
That’s disgusting! Oh my God,
you’re so busted.
SCOTT face-palms himself.
SCOTT
Ah, shit, shit.
ALISON walks off, out of the bedroom with the Atlas.
SCOTT
Hey, don’t you go tell
mum. Alison!
SCOTT bounds over to the doorway, and yells out quietly to
ALISON, in vain.
SCOTT
Hey! If you tell mum,
I’ll tell her
about your secret
boyfriend! And I won’t
lend you anymore money
for your booze!
SCOTT then re-enters his bedroom, and starts shoving some other magazines and video tapes, hidden in different parts of his room, into his backpack. He then jumps out the window, and runs off.
EXT. Front of DAD’s house.
SCOTT runs over to his DAD's house. SCOTT knocks on the front door, his DAD opens it.
DAD
Oh hello Scott. In a bit of
trouble hey?
SCOTT
Hi Dad. Yeah, you might want
your magazines back.
INT. DAD’s house
SCOTT drops his backpack in the living room, and slumps into an arm chair. Next day, he wakes up in the arm chair to the sound of his DAD blowing an air horn/claxon. SCOTT gets out of the arm chair.
SCOTT
Thanks Dad.
DAD
Toast?
SCOTT’s DAD frisbees a slice of toast to SCOTT, which SCOTT catches, and puts in his mouth.
DAD
Have a good day at school.
SCOTT then grabs his backpack and walks off to school.
INT. Classroom
SCOTT walks into the classroom, and passes MRS CROSS’s desk, where she is correcting work. As he passes the desk, he chucks on there his exercise book. OLIVIA is already sitting at a desk.
SCOTT
Morning Mrs Cross.
Hi Olivia.
SCOTT sits next to OLIVIA, and stretches and yawns. MRS CROSS opens the exercise book to find a porn mag ‘stuck’ in there.
MRS CROSS
Scott, why have you
stuck a pornography
magazine into this
exercise book?!
OLIVIA gasps in surprise at SCOTT. SCOTT sits stunned at this mistake.
SCOTT
Oh, oops. Sorry Miss
Cross.
OLIVIA
You can’t be serious.
MRS CROSS
I am serious!
MRS CROSS partially displays the book to OLIVIA and SCOTT.
OLIVIA
You’re a pervert. You
disgusting sicko!
OLIVIA starts punching at SCOTT in the head and body.
MRS CROSS rises from her chair and points at SCOTT.
MRS CROSS
Heathen!
The teacher then demonstrates the exercise book to SCOTT.
MRS CROSS
I specifically asked you
write the answers on this
page, and colour in between
the lines, not stick in a
pornography magazine! So,
I'm going to burn this
exercise book (or shred)...
MRS CROSS puts a cigarette lighter to the exercise book, (or starts ripping out and putting pages into a shredder).
MRS CROSS
And you can do it again.
SCOTT
Err, yes Mrs Cross.
EXT. Front of house/street (2015)
OLDER SCOTT is still explaining while finishing his coffee.
OLDER SCOTT
I was expelled from the
school, and my mother's
house that day. And not
long after I forgot about
Olivia for a few years,
and she moved on to
someone else. Until now.
I recently spotted her
on Instagram, and
on internet dating. She
said she fancied a man
in uniform.
SON 1
Is that why we've stopped
here?
OLDER SCOTT
Yep. You be good kids, while
I go and... accidentally
bump into her.
OLDER SCOTT gets out of the car, and goes to the boot. He opens the boot, and takes out and puts on a police/captain's hat, and a jacket/ trench coat. He walks across the street towards the house.
10 minutes later, OLDER SCOTT emerges from the house whooping/whoohooing and pumping his fists in the air like a mad man. SON 1 and SON 2, still in the backseat of the car, stop playing with their phones, and swivel their heads towards OLDER SCOTT rejoicing and carrying on across the street.
OLDER SCOTT
I did it!
With one hand, OLDER SCOTT takes the hat off his head, and tosses it into the air. Freeze frame, fade out.
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