The Situation and Behaviors, Not Intentions Or Motives

The D.E.S.C. Model of Assertiveness

DESCRIBE:

· the situation and behaviors, not intentions or motives

· in concrete terms, specify time, or amount of times something happened

· avoid using vague language, generalizations like “all the time,” “never.” Use “most of time,” or “more often than not.”

EXPRESS: “I feel ______and ______.”

or “I am ______.”

· If you use the phrase “I feel that. . .” you are expressing an opinion and not an emotion.

· your feelings calmly

· express them in a manner so as to help remedy the situation

SPECIFY: “I want ______.”

· be specific and concrete

· use a specific time frame

· ask within reason

CONSEQUENCES: If you do ______, then ______.

If you do not ______, then ______.

Tips for using the DESC Model

1. You can stop anywhere along the four steps. You might just DESCRIBE what happened and leave it at that. You might DESCRIBE what their behavior is and EXPRESS how you feel. You might need to just DESCRIBE, EXPRESS and SPECIFY what you want. And when you are dealing with someone who really isn’t remorseful and needs some CONSEQUENCES, positive first and then negative if they don’t do what you are asking.

2. Writing it down, getting it perfectly written is important. This is not something you do haphazardly. Some people pray, fast and prepare for the meeting. Putting it in writing and reading it to them, helps you not say what you don’t want to say. It keeps us calm. It also helps us stick to our points and not soften them out of fear. If the person gets reactive, defensive and tries to distort what we said, we what we have asked in writing. Sometimes they distort the confrontation, run to others to triangle and get sympathy. We can say to them, this is what I said [because we have a copy as well]. Sometimes we can share what we said to the outside party (school, pastor, other family members) if they have a distorted view that needs correcting. We don’t want to gossip. But what is most important about writing it down is that the person and now read it and learn from it, while during the confrontation they may be too emotional to remember what you are asking from them.

3. Deliver it in person in a loving manner and in a neutral place. No one really likes to be confronted in there home or on your turf. Go to a place where each party could leave in peace if the need arises. (a restaurant, a park, a therapist’s office)

4. Each of the four steps should be very short. The DESCRIBE can be maybe 3-4 sentences. It takes work to condense and stick to the facts. It can be done, if you get stuck, call me and we can work it through together. The EXPRESS and SPECIFY are one sentence each, “I feel ______and ______,” and “I want ______.” The CONSEQUENCES are two “if . . . then” statements. Start with the positive outcome first, “if they do ____ then ______. This usually results in a better relationship. Stating the “if you do not. . .” is really important. This is what is going to happen if they don’t do what you are asking. This is what usually motivates them to listen to anything you have to say. They may begin to realize that they are losing a relationship with you, going to jail, or going to lose their job, or place to live. The choice is theirs to make. Let’s be clear. We are not withholding a relationship with them or “writing them off.” We are offering a relationship under certain conditions, and these conditions are not to much to ask. (For Christians who are concerned about unconditional love, Christ has conditions for us to have a relationship with him. He loves us without condition, but we have no relationship with him if we don’t live according to His will.)

5. Some of us are too hurt and hold to much bitterness to even want the relationship to work. Do not offer an “if you do” promise if you are not willing to be with them. Better to work it out and get yourself to a place of forgiveness and an openness for them to change, before you do this. We often predict a negative outcome by say, “I know how they are going to respond,” or “I know what they are going to say.” This is wrong of us. I understand that we are creatures that make judgments based on past history out of self preservation, but we need to have an open mind. I sometimes think that our lack of openness to their change holds them in a place where they don’t change, at least not around us. I see this in couples many times. We can’t play God and predict the future in this. This is judging them and not allowing any possibility for change. If they can’t change, then maybe we can either. It is a dangerous way to live life, not keeping the hope than anyone can change under the right time and condition. Does this mean we become vulnerable and allow them to hurt us all over again? Sometimes. But many times not. We try to be neutral to allow them to apologize if they want to.

Examples of DESC Scripts:

For abuse:

Preface: “There is something I need to share with you. I am glad that you are here. I would ask that you listen to what I have to say before you say anything.”

(D) “You have shoved me, pushed me, pulled my hair and called me a F------C---. You have done this about 6 time in the last year.”

(E) “I am angry and hurt.”

(S) “I want you to move out, get into anger management for at least a year.

“If you do not, I will divorce you.”

Notice it is short. This is not a dialogue. It is a statement that takes a minute.

For drug addiction/alcohol:

Preface: “There is something I need to share with you. Please do not say anything until I am finished.

(D) “You drink alcohol almost every night. You have had a DUI which cost us $3,000 in court and treatment costs. You are smoking pot and have used crack when we were first married. You belittle me, criticize me and lie to me repeatedly. You have driven with the children in the car while you were intoxicated.

(E) “I am angry, scared and tired.”

(S) “I want you to stop all alcohol and drugs. Get treatment and stay sober.

“If you do not, I will leave you.”

“The choice is up to you. I will be in no relationship before I will be in an unhealthy one.”

Notice the specifics and the lack of “your are a drug addict” This would be arguable to the addict/alcoholic. Focus on behaviors.

For a misbehaving teen:

Preface: “There is something your mom and I need to share with you. Please do not say anything until we are done. And then you can talk.

(D) “You have been getting D’s and F’s. You are leaving dishes around the house. You will ignore us when you don’t need us, but then come to us when you want something. You have called your sister a _____ and punched a hole in the wall.

(E) “We are angry and hurt.”

(S) “We want you to get at least C’s or better in school. We want you to pick up after yourself and do your chores. We want you to apologize to your sister.”

(C) “If you do this, we will forgive you and you will get to be with your friends, get to go on the computer, Ipod and TV during appropriate times.”

“If you do not get at least C’s, apologize and contribute to the family by picking up after yourself, you will not get to see friends, will not have TV, computer or your Ipod.”

“The choice is up to you.”

Notice the specific wants. It has to be specific or it won’t work. There are a lot of specifics, maybe too many for a person to follow. The rule is to keep it simple and doable so the person is likely to follow through. There are a lot of consequences here. In this example, the 17 year old (imaginary) would just move to the next item on his fun list and ignore the fact that he can’t see friends. One has to really tailor it to the situation.