The Baptist Woman

THE BAPTIST WOMAN

LECTURE 15

THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

Are there any fully functional, biblically sound, strong, happy Christian families out there?!!! Are there any that were married after courting and kept their virginity; who are very much in love and unselfish in their marriage; that stayed solidly commited to a good Baptist church; who have the husband as the clear spiritual leader; whose wife gladly submits and follows; whose husband has a solid, good paying job; whose wife is a ‘stay at home mom’; whose children behave themselves and are homeschooled; who are a great testimony to all those around them…?????!!!!!!!......

You might be the next family that goes into dysfunctionality….

1 Cor 10:12 Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.

Dear Baptist woman, do you have a dysfunctional family? Do you come from a dysfunctional family?....

Dysfunctional families breed dysfunctional families. There usually is a long pedigree of dysfunctionality. Break the chain!

Churches are typically full of dysfunctional families. Hurting people often are the ones who decide to go to church; those that have lots of problems are the ones attracted to a church; the ones who seem to ‘have it all together’ often don’t see their need for ‘church’. God surely can take something that doesn’t function right and make it work wonderfully!

Realize that you and your family has a problem; realize that it is not going to be easy to fix things --

Rom 7:18-19 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

Rom 7:24-25 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

The following lengthy article is taken from Wikipedia: Dysfunctional Family

(Pastor Warner’s quotes are in italics)

A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often abuse on the part of individual members occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.) Other origins include untreated mental illness, and parents emulating …their own dysfunctional parents.

A common misperception of dysfunctional families is the mistaken belief that the parents are on the verge of separation and divorce. While this is true in a few cases, often the marriage bond is very strong as the parents' faults actually complement each other. In short, they have nowhere else to go. However, this does not necessarily mean the family's situation is stable. Any major stressor, such as relocation, unemployment, illness, natural disaster, inflation, etc. can cause existing conflicts affecting the children to become much worse.

Examples of a dysfunctional family

Common symptoms

The following symptoms occur in most dysfunctional families:

·  Lack of empathy, understanding, and sensitivity toward family members

·  Denial (i.e. a refusal to acknowledge the alcoholism of a family member; ignoring complaints of sexual abuse; having a workaholic parent), also known as the "elephant in the room"

·  No clear boundaries (i.e. throwing away personal possessions that belong to others, inappropriate physical boundaries, breaking important promises without just cause)

·  Extremes in conflict (either too much fighting or insufficient arguing between family members)

·  Lack of equality and fairness toward younger family members (may include frequent appeasement at the expense of others or uneven enforcement of rules)

Though not universal, the following symptoms are typical of dysfunctional families:

·  Adulterous, promiscuous, or incestuous behavior: Most dysfunctional families have, or will have, some major sexual wickedness go on (internet porn; teen promiscuity; affairs; homosexuality; pediophilia; and worse…)

·  Divorced or separated parents in continuous conflict, or parents who should separate, but do not (to the detriment of their children). You may want to stay together, you never know what may happen -- 1 Sam 25:3 Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

·  Lack of time spent together, especially in recreational activities and social events ("We never do anything as a family")

·  Children afraid to tell outsiders what problems or abuse is happening within their family, or are otherwise fearful of their parents

·  Family members (including children) who disown each other, and/or refuse to be seen together in public (either unilaterally or bilaterally)

Parenting

Unhealthy parenting signs

List of unhealthy parenting signs which could easily lead to a family becoming dysfunctional:

·  Disrespect; especially contempt

·  Being under or over protective

·  Ridicule and belittling

·  Bitterness

·  Apathy ("I don't care!")

·  Hypocrisy ("Do as I say, not as I do")

·  Either no or excessive criticism (experts say 80-90% praise and 10-20% constructive criticism is the most healthy)

·  "Mixed messages" by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child)

·  The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)

·  Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)

·  Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late

·  Faulty discipline: too much, or too little; no spanking vs. only spanking; wrong attitude during. Prov 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

·  Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress

·  Being a miser ("scrooge") while children's needs go unmet

·  The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)

·  Being unequally yoked: 1 is unsaved; or 1 is saved but ungodly; 1 is Baptist, the other is Charismatic; 1 is Christian, the other is Mormon. 2 Cor 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 1 Peter 3:1-2 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

·  Spiritual leader reversal: husband thinks religion is for women; husband is too busy to be involved with church; husband is supportive of wife and church but doesn’t show much enthusiasm himself. Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

Dysfunctional parenting styles

·  Using (destructively narcissistic parents which rule by fear and conditional love)

·  Abusing (parents who use physical violence, emotional or sexual abuse to dominate or take advantage of their children); Prov 15:16-17 Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith. Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.

·  Perfectionist (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances)

·  Appeasement (parents who reward bad behavior--even by their own standards, and inevitability punish another child's good behavior in order to maintain the peace and avoid temper tantrums "Peace at any price")

·  Micromanagement (parents who micro-manage their children's lives and/or relationships among siblings--especially minor conflicts)

·  "Public image manager" (sometimes related to above, children warned to not disclose what fights, abuse, or damage happens at home, or face severe punishment "Don't tell anyone what goes on in this family")

·  Role reversal (parents who expect their minor children to take care of them instead)

·  "My baby forever" (a mother who will not allow one or more of her young children to grow up and begin taking care of themselves)

·  "Along for the ride" (a reluctant de facto, step, foster, or adoptive parent who does not truly care about their non-biological child, but must co-exist in the same home for the sake of their spouse or partner)

·  Münchausen syndrome by proxy (a much more extreme situation than above, where the child is intentionally made ill by a parent seeking attention from physicians and other professionals)

Dynamics of dysfunctional families

·  The isolated family member (either a parent or child up against the rest of the otherwise united family)

·  Parent vs. parent (frequent fights amongst adults, whether married, divorced, or separated, conducted away from the children)

·  The polarized family (a parent and one or more children on each side of the conflict)

·  Parents vs. kids (generation gap or culture shock dysfunction)

·  The balkanized family (named after the three-way war in the Balkans where alliances shift back and forth)

·  Free-for-all (a family that fights in a free-for-all style, though may become polarized when range of possible choices is limited)

Children in dysfunctional families

The six basic roles

Children growing up in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt one or more of these six basic roles:

·  The Good Child (also known as the Hero): a child who assumes the parental role.

·  The Problem Child (also known as the Scapegoat): the child who is blamed for most problems and may be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family.

·  The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.

·  The Lost Child: the inconspicuous, quiet one, whose needs are usually ignored or hidden.

·  The Mascot: uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system.

·  The Mastermind: the opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. Often the object of appeasement by grown-ups.

Effects on children

Children of dysfunctional families, either at the time, or as they grow older, may also:

·  have moderate to severe mental health issues, including possible suicidal thoughts

·  become addicted to smoking, alcohol, and/or drugs, especially if parents or friends have done the same

·  rebel against parental authority, or conversely, uphold their family's values in the face of peer pressure, or even try to take an impossible "middle ground" that pleases no one

·  have little self-discipline when parents are not around, such as compulsive spending, procrastinating too close to deadlines, etc. (unfamiliar and seemingly lax "real-world" consequences vs. familiar parental consequences)

·  bully others or be an easy victim of bullying (sometimes both in different settings)

·  become a sex offender, possibly including pedophilia

·  have difficulty forming healthy relationships within their peer group (usually due to shyness or a personality disorder)

·  spend an inordinate amount of time alone watching television, playing video games, surfing the internet, listening to music, and other activities which lack in-person social interaction

·  feel angry, anxious, depressed, isolated from others, or unlovable

·  have a speech disorder (related to emotional abuse)

·  become a juvenile delinquent and turn to a life of crime (with or without dropping out of school), and possibly become a gang member as well

·  perpetuate dysfunctional behaviors in other relationships (especially their own children)

·  lack the ability to be playful, or childlike, and may "grow up too fast"; conversely they may grow up too slowly, or be in a mixed mode (i.e. well behaved, but unable to care for themselves)

·  find an (often abusive) spouse or partner at a young age (especially females), and/or run away from home

·  strive (as a young adults) to live far away from particular family members

Having a dysfunctional family is such a hurt to one’s testimony for the Lord Jesus Christ --

1 Peter 2:11-12 Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul; Having your conversation honest among the Gentiles: that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation.

You need a major transformation with your family…with yourself!

Rom 12:1-2 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Are you going dysfunctional? Is your family becoming dysfunctional?

Don’t you want to have a wonderful, fully functional family for the Lord Jesus Christ?......

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