Change Your Mind

By Elizabeth Flynn Campbell

Think of a time when you felt utterly convinced of the rightness of your position in regard to a conflict with someone important to you. Perhaps you felt offended and could not imagine seeing it any other way. While this kind of certainty has its appeal (who doesn’t cherish the fervent simplicity of being utterly in the right), the hope for ourselves and for the world lies in cultivating a more flexible response to our personal conflicts and differences. Being flexible in this case means suspending our desire to defend our position long enough to listen to our opponent’s point of view – be it a spouse, child, boss or friend.

Too much conviction about our own understanding of things leaves us in an impoverished position, whereby we relish our moral certitude but forfeit the flexibility necessary for reconciliation. The hope for reconciling different points of view depends on our ability to see things from another’s perspective. This experience of coming to a new understanding of things is called metanoia in Greek. Metanoia means to change one’s mind, in the sense of increasing one’s understanding of things. Metanoia in this sense is always positive – when we undergo an experience of metanoia, our minds are changed in that we understand more, not less.

All of us know what it’s like to begin a difficult discussion convinced about the rightness of our position, only to arrive at a new understanding after listening to the other person’s point of view. This experience of metanoia is the basis for all psychological and spiritual growth. Without it, we become increasingly entrenched in our rigid positions, unable to reconcile the differences that inevitably enter our relationships.

The experience of metanoia rarely happens when we feel threatened. Most of us are incapable of seeing things in a new way when we feel unsafe, disrespected or dismissed. If we are serious about trying to reconcile our differences with others, we need to establish basic respect by trying to listen -- whether it’s our spouse, neighbor, or estranged sibling.

Listening doesn’t mean we agree, but it does mean that we are trying to understand how someone might arrive at a different point of view. Often in the process of trying to understand another person’s perspective, our own understanding is expanded. Coming to understand things in a new way is an essential component of maturity and critical to the long-term success of our most significant relationships.

Questioning our most vehement reactions tends to shed enormous light on our own particular wounds and vulnerabilities. Knowing our wounds helps prevent the ruptures in relationship that lead to estrangement, divorce and, on a larger scale, war. In this age where changing one’s mind is derided as “flip-flopping,” we would be wise to heed the words of the writer and philosopher Bertrand Russell, who said “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves but wiser people so full of doubts.”

Elizabeth Flynn Campbell is a licensed psychoanalyst and can be contacted at her Burlington office at (802) 860-2244.