And so here we go on another Warriors tour and random adventure – back up to Scotland, the land of the Loch and the Glen.
This trip we welcome 5 tour virgins who will experience the joys of 8 hours on a bus, rugby with a hangover, kangeroo court, bad breakfasts, tour terrorism and Baabara the sheep.
This is going to be an extra hard induction for Joshua who has been selected as tour Captain so please everybody watch how he goes, look out for him and take photos when he cocks up!
Everyone else on tour should by now be used to the various shinanigans and we expect the usual behavoiur, disipline and general high standards. Please pay attention to tour rules, buddy system, court judgments etc or it’ll be the worse for you!!
Key to profiles: T: Teignmouth, SE - Southend, M - Manchester, NZ - New Zealand, SB - Scottish Borders
Baabara the Sheep – Mascot and love interest
The offical club mascot on all tours since Southend Baabara has the task of looking after the naughtier and twp-er tourists, a busy job when with the Warriors. With her dashing good looks and quiet intelligence Baabara has been the target of many admirqrs both on and off the tour.
Worst tour moment: Being captured by local floozies in Hawick
Best tour Moment: watching Dai Ed fall asleep in the Tui Brewery (NZ)
Jason Jenkins - Hooker
The Warriors’ number 1 hooker and good looker, Jason loves a good tour whether its disco dancing on the bus to Devon, on table tops with shirt off in Southend, 2 gun drinking in Whangamomona or getting lost in the hunt for a party in Hamilton. If only we didn’t have a game to tire him out tour would be perfect. Jason even led the tour to Essex and has Captained the Warriors during 2 memorable seasons but this weekend he will be laughing at managements problems and getting on with the serious job of partying. Has brought his own minder this time in Dean Chapman so may have to go home earlier than planned to look after him.
Best tour moment: being christened 2 guns by New Zealand documentary crew
Worst tour moment: being only hooker on trips so has to play
John Horwood - 2nd row
Jumpin’ John, windows, firewood, Herbie, Horwood is the club’s only regular original still playing and at 49 can still teach the youngsters a thing or two (nothing to do with rugby mind but still...). Despite never having played rugby until his mid thirties John has acquired a full trophy cabinet with the Warriors and no longer has to listen to advice like ‘run towards the wooden H John’ or ‘look for the naked woman in the window’. On tour John will ease into his role of sedate tourist quietly watching the youngsters make fools of themselves whilst pointing at the girls with his kilt on.
Best tour moment: running out for 100th appearance in Carterton NZ
Worst tour moment: every time he said the E word on Lions tour
Simon Jenkins – No8
Simon had a quiet trip to Hawick where he spent most of the trip blushing in the background, not singing and generally being too embarrassed to be punished in court. Despite this, as soon as he remembered we would need a new Captain for tour he tried to get himself appointed. May well suffer on this trip from tour terrorists as he has during the season pissed off Lee, Gwilym, Joshua, Neil, Dean and the Friday training group (and that’s just those on tour). In fact if he is too much of a pain he may find himself transferred to the Betws tour where his former team mates can put up with his swearing and phone calls. Hot favourite to be 1st slave of tour.
Best tour moment: Photo taken of him skinning Gary Armstrong in Jed-Forest
Worst tour moment: Alan Taylor’s arse in Hawick
Joshua Crowther – Wing (Captain)
Despite this being Joshua’s 1st ever rugby tour he has been chosen to the lead the venture. One rumour has it that this was because he wears silly gloves when playing so his hands should be warm enough to clap off the opposition after the game.
As Captain it is Josh’s duty to make sure we all get home in one piece on Monday, pay all fines, ransoms and bails, and if necessary sacrifice himself for the greater good. However there may be a reward if we ‘loose’ Lewi in Scotland.
Has a suspiciously similar profile to Simon but will hopefully make a better tourist – if not they will be sent off around Edinburgh’s romantic parks and gardens where they can hold hands until Monday.
Best tour moment: being made tour Captain
Worst tour moment: when it all starts to go wrong...
Gwilym Lewis – Player/Coach
The mighty Gwil leads another adventure across borders and through taverns. As ever this legendry tourist is trying to pass on his skills and knowledge to a younger generation with Parker his latest Padawan- unfortunately this has resulted in him having to do more work than usual, and it’s unlikely to stop on tour as no doubt Neil we need to be punished. Will do well on this tour as long as he doesn’t end up on double rounds should our paths cross with Betws RFC
Lee Rowlands – utility player
A tour veteran who has even done the Scottish trip (more or less) solo (although he probably shouldn’t sleep on Pauline’s floor this time).
As childishness becomes the norm on tour, so Lee comes into his element with a new batch of virgins to trip, trap, trick & play jokes on. However he may have less time for this than he thinks as he pimps food, beer and chicks for Huw.
Without his daughter on tour may need to be reminded not to play with his winky in the bathroom. Most likely to kill Simon.
Best moment on tour: Sexy lamp street theatre in Teignmouth
Worst moment on tour: sleeping around Auckland bars while Gwilym went drinking
Dean Chapman – I don’t mind not playing
After just 1 game (Made sure his debut wasn’t in Scotland) Dean has made the tour, his 1st such venture since New Dock under 16s (has anyone mentioned it’s his 1st tour). If that wasn’t pressure enough Tour Committee are holding him responsible for his sister tarting away our one decent player, Jonathan Kearney (Llangennech, Llanelli, Welsh Colleges) to Benidorm and therefore we expect Dean to make up the difference. Since having his place confirmed has been constantly bleating that he is working but surely being on tour is enough of a 1st without actually doing any work. Most likely to miss Mam and try to go home early (possibly after a kebab)
Best tour moment – confirmation he could come as Jason’s minder
Worst tour moment – The subsequent glint in Parker’s eye
Alun Stephens - Centre
Big Al is the Warriors mid field enforcer and heaven help anyone who tackles him. Despite the outward appearance of a savage gorilla-bouncer, Big Al is Mr. Softie really and is just on the lookout for a nice quiet woman with whom to share his days. Is likely to (again) spend half the tour looking after the boys and the other half being suckered into Neil Parker drinking games. Most likely to get tired and emotional before we cross the Border and will be chained up whilst we pass through e**land to ensure a diplomatic incident doesn’t occur.
Best Moment on tour: pre breakfast drinking session with Williams brothers in Southend
Worst tour Moment: liaising with Gullible travels in Carterton NZ
Neil Parker – fly half (tour only)
Neil stepped up to the plate for this tour to ensure it went ahead as every chick from Bynea to Burry Port has heard at least one of his cheesy lines and he needs some fresh meat. Neil is all set for a heads down charge into Edinburgh in the search for FUN FUN FUN but those pups who are thinking of following in his wake beware – he has awful taste, he tires easily and he’s often fooled by ladyboys, (there’s only two in Llanelli and Neil knows them both, Well, very well!). Self appointed tour manager Neil has so far had to have been rescued over the hotel, bus, finances, t shirts, hoodies and fixture. Most likely to appear in a random fancy dress costume or wear pants under his kilt.
Best tour Moment: rescuing Baabara the sheep from various chicks in Hawick
Worst tour Moment: photos of said ‘chicks’ being published for all to judge
David Edwards - Prop
Dai Ed will hopefully perform better in Scotland than on his last visit as his boyfriend Roger ‘Birthdays’ Murphy Thomas isn’t with us. Perhaps this time he’ll actually come out instead of having tea for two in the room. Captained the tour to New Zealand bit management was disappointed when he joined the La di das thus earning his nickname of Dai Posh, as if his silly e**lish accent wasn’t bad enough! Is potentially one of the best players the Warriors has with excellent rucking and tackling techniques, a good side step and a decent pass. He’s also one of the laziest who hates the effort involved in rucking, tackling, side stepping, passing, training, getting off his arse etc. Has learnt his rugby in the Barber household under the guise of Nigel & Lee so has done well to get this far.
Best moment on tour: Meeting Dan Carter at All Blacks Captain’s run.
Worst tour moment: laps of Melrose field in the snow and hail
David Newson - Chairman
David George Samson Bellies Nuisance Newson will cause gaps of awe and hushed reverence should he take the field and rightly so. This club legend played 9 seasons and didn’t miss a match in 108 appearances including 3 years as Captain. He still holds the club record of 51 tries and is the current chairman. Unfortunately this reverence is unlikely to last long as he is more likely to spend the game coughing up fags than scoring tries.
Former Lord of the Manor and King of Heol Goffa, Dai’s Golden age has passed and a new generation of youngsters have no intention on acting on his every whim and he may even been seen getting his own pint at the bar.
Best tour moment: Man of the Match performance in final game against South Auckland Kiwis to help ensure tour finished undefeated.
Worst tour Moment: visiting Aunt in Southend when tired and emotional.
David Carpenter - Wing
Dai ‘the Devil’ Carpenter coming on tour means tourists will get the full stereo effect of the Carpenter twins and their 2 for 1 package. As well as constant questions and shadowing people, their love of loud rock & metal and their funny American accents may leave them in danger of being dropped off early on the way home. Missed the start of this season due to a hair on his back (!) so needs to make up for lost time. Hopefully will be seen making pincer movements with Liam to corner Parker and ask him lots of interesting questions about tour/films/rugby/music/beer etc
Best tour Moment: Liam in Kangaroo Court
Worst tour moment: him in Kangaroo Court
Liam Carpenter - Wing
Liam is finally getting the hang of rugby culture now, even choosing his own nickname in Blackheart although his Mam is said to be disappointed he isn’t using her favourite of Liam (Mammy’s little) Lion. As part of the Carpenters stereo will be constantly firing questions to anyone who will listen (Neil loves to listen). Has edged in front of his brother in appearances for the club but was unable to take advantage of last weeks video analysis session as he was tried after being in church. Any further information – read David’s profile.
Best tour moment: confirming place on tour
Worst tour moment: David coming as well
Lewis ‘Lewi’ Jones – Touch Judge
The Warriors most famous member, Lewy Jones, star of Stradey, Parc y Scarlets, Facebook and Ray Gravelles wedding photos will again grace the tour, delivering papers, securing freebies, getting lost, dancing, scaring women and drinking. No one in Llanelli believes this but Lew enjoys touring so much he’s even been known to buy people drinks! A survival expert, your youngsters should watch the master in action as he overcomes all tour challenges and will probably return with more money than he took. Tour stories about Lewi are too numerous to reproduce here and will be used to scare tour virgins at bed time and to pass the time on the bus trips to and from Scotland (and then it’ll be edited highlights)
Best tour moment: Rave on stage in best blazer and tie in Southend
Worst tour moment: getting lost in Palmerstone North about 3 hours into the tour of New Zealand.
Richard Evans – everywhere and nowhere baby
However bad things get on tour: when the money, beer, food and drugs run out. When everyone is lost, wet, cold and hungry. When all hope is gone and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, don’t worry - Rich has got it worse than you. May be superglued to Talcon as a sort of smile ying/yang so that they balance each other out. Has had his fair share of bad luck on tour (see below) but then its no better at home where his Cefneithin career has been affected by the rush hour traffic they have there.
Best moment on tour: er...asking the bar maid at Hamilton Marist on a date
Worst tour moment: almost burning down the hotel in New Zealand and the subsequent Kangaroo Court, missing out on meeting the All Blacks, losing Baabara the sheep in Hawick (as Captain)/falling asleep whilst on the pull in Wellington.
Huw Jenkins - Prop
Nickname: Flash, Age: 37, Place of birth: Carmarthen,
Occupation: Professional Food Taster
Favourite Warrior: Lee Rowlands (wonder who filled this in)
Favourite Scot: Jimmy Krankie Gordon Ramsey, Favourite Welshman: Mr Kipling Favourite music: Girls Aloud, Favourite film: Sound of Music
Favourite drink: OrangeSquash,Favourite food: ANYTHING “really anything”
Most likely to be star of tour: John Horwood, Most likely to be left on tour: Lewis (if we can pick)
Previous tour: SB
Favourite team: Ospreys, Most hated team: Manchester United, Sponsored by: Mam
Best moment on tour: Diesel Night club pole dancers
Worst moment on tour: the distance between motorway service stations......
Two seasons after coming on his 1st tour (to Scotland) Huw finally made his debut against the Swansea Gladiators this season and Huw even secured Robin McBride’s nomination as Man of the Match in Tumble in the next game. Lee has christened him ‘Flash’ since an ‘electrical incident’ that occurred during darts, which is a bit rich from someone who kicked out the plug in the Greyhound when Wales scored against the Sais – not once but twice. Is regarded as the Warriors Father jack due to his constant mantra of Bywd! - Cwrw! - Girls! But would actually be quite happy if we dropped him of at Sarn services with enough money for food until we returned on Monday.
Colin Talcon - Prop
Smiler Talcon comes on tour and hopefully his happy demeanour will counter all the miserable gits on tour (at least we haven’t got Pauline with us all weekend). Another former Captain and senior player, Colin Campese knows better than to chase the parties, he just sticks close to Jason and lets the party come to him. Joint favourite with Billo to get topless 1st on tourCol will have a good tour guaranteed as will those around him.
Best tour moment: it’s all good
Worst tour moment: leaving Carterton in New Zealand
Darren Pollitt – probably 2nd row on tour
Like most Jacks, Darren is never short of a word or two, but so strong is his Swonseee accent that nobody understands him. Is so good at rugby that he will only train at major stadiums but sometimes comes along to watch and give some wish words of advice. Having come into the team fairly recently Darr has already tried wing and prop and so successful has he been that this weekend he will probably play 2nd row. Darren is currently trying to leave his dodgy Osprey past behind and to convince everyone that he is the Scarlets biggest supporter since Pauline.