Marriage 1
Marriage Contracts
Craig Scott
Composition II
Cecelia Munzenmaier
Hamilton College
September 1, 2006
Marriage Contracts
Marriages are like a drive-up window for fast food. Everyone seems to want to order, or as some say “sample,” from the menu without a commitment. Some suggest it is because laws allow it to be too easy for couples to file for a divorce. The last-reported U.S. divorce rate for a calendar year, available as of May, 2005, is 38 percent (“Divorce Rates,” 2006). Marriage would so much healthier and happier with a marriage contract signed/agreed between both parties. Many people have a misconception of what a marriage contract really is. It is a written document between two people, often called a pre-nuptial agreement. This document is not a guarantee that the marriage would last, but it would reduce the rate of couples having affairs and would also hold both parties accountable to a commitment.
With a contract, couples could have a schedule with times for certain activities and responsibilities set for each person involved. Couples are writing up and legally filing marriage contracts for financial, physical, and sexual needs. “There are different opinions on these arrangements. Some people think that if you want to enter into a prenuptial agreement, it means you are planning on the marriage to end,” said Dennis Shimmel, principal of family law firm Shimmel Law Offices in Grand Rapids. “But one should always be planning for the future. Just because you buy life insurance doesn’t mean your planning to die in the next five years” (as cited in Schoonmaker, 2006). Imani Pickett once overheard someone say, “Getting married is like starting a business.” His immediate thoughts were that the person has no concept what love really is, but after really considering the statement, he found it to be very true. As when starting a business, a person enters a marriage usually with a dream or a goal in mind. Also, like starting a business, it takes a lot of work and it is usually within the first five years that a marriage is bound for success or doomed to fail. In addition, marriage is like starting a business, because if you do not have a plan, your chances for success are greatly reduced (Pickett, 2003). Bringing up the subject of a marriage contract can be difficult and awkward. This should be done well in advance of the wedding bells and should be a subject that both parties should take seriously. When a marriage contract is signed by both parties and is witnessed and signed by a neutral third party, it is a binding and lawful contract. This usually takes effect immediately after both have signed the agreement or immediately after the marriage ceremony. Both parties must be of a sane mind when the contract is signed. Some courts do not recognize sex contracts as a binding contract when the judicial system is involved with divorce proceedings. With marriage contracts becoming more common in today’s society, we are seeing some funny and bizarre contracts.
No one knows how many prenuptials exist, in part because they do not have to be filed anywhere. They are simply contracts between two individuals, signed before marriage, that specify how assets will be distributed when the marriage ends, in either divorce or death (Chatzky, 2006).
When a marriage contract is signed by both parties prior to being married, they must write out what is expected of each other during the courtship of the marriage. Prenuptials can come in just as handy in case of death as they do in a divorce (Chatzky, 2006). Although the contract is a legally binding piece of paper, it can be altered to deal with the situations that arise during a marriage. With a contract, both parties know what is expected of them and this can relieve a lot of tension that comes with being married. Contracts can reduce the divorce rate, because one is not going into the marriage without knowing what is to be expected from him/her. With a contract, the expectations are laid out in front of both parties beforehand. People are less apt to stray from the marriage, knowing there is a contract involved. Some contracts even go a step further and cover some of the aspects that many people just take for granted, such as who takes the garbage out, who prepares the meals, and how many times a week that they are required to have sexual relations with each other. Spain may have come up with a more acceptable solution to the already-existing marriage contract in their country, introduced in 2005. This contract mandates that husbands and wives share domestic responsibilities, including housework and looking after the children or elderly parents (Zagor, 2006). Contracts of this type help the couples get their views out in the open and help each other know their specific roles in the marriage. This can help avoid disputes amongst the couple and help each other respect one another.
Many that were surveyed (see Appendix A) on this subject tended to disagree with the whole aspect of a marriage contract, especially when it involved sex. Some believe sex is not a right and it goes with the relationship as a privilege. Some of the people surveyed could not fathom the thought of having an agreement set up on when to have sex or how many times a week to have sexual relations with their partner. One lady in particular seems to think that these contracts are just another way men are trying to so call “manipulate women” and be all “superior.”
I can see where these people might think that the contract is just another way for man to rule the woman, but that is not how I view it. My response to some of the objections of a marriage contract is that a marriage contract comes with benefits for both people involved. With a contract, a schedule can be made to make the relationship run smoother during the everyday activities that come with a marriage. Every contract should have a clause, allowing it to be altered and negotiated to coincide with the changing lifestyle of the couple and their relationship. There is also a clause that can be put in the contract called the “free pass” clause. This clause allows the contract to be altered in situations that both parties signing the contract agree to, such as the PMS cycle and unforeseen circumstances that have yet arisen.
I personally had a contract made up when I got married. I did not quite understand the limitations and all the reasons for why I was having one written up. My parents insisted that my wife and I make one up before we got married. One of the reasons was because we were both pretty young and they (both our parents) thought we were getting married for all the wrong reasons. My spouse and I each had a good sum of money coming into the marriage and our parents wanted to be sure we were not trying to take advantage of each other. If done correctly and with full disclosure, a prenuptial agreement can mitigate the financial impact of a divorce, ensuring that an individual can leave a marriage with the assets he or she brought into it (Schoonmaker, 2006).
Although, we did not agree at first to the contract, we (my wife and I) decided to have a little fun at making our contract. We then decided to make certain times of the day set aside for sex and time for each other. If we altered from this schedule, we had to put a certain amount of cash into a jar that was placed on the headboard of our bed. We went as far as to agreeing to who takes out the garbage and whose turn a certain day and time of week it was to do the dishes or cook a meal. It was never a contract that was signed in front of a judge, but it was witnessed by both of our parents. I know we have amended and altered the contract many times to agree with our ongoing changing schedules and the schedules of our kids. So not all marriage contracts are a total crock and are used to manipulate the woman into something she does not want to do or agree with. Prenuptials agreements are being signed everyday by the average couple. These contracts are to benefit the couple and the relationship. So the next time you hear someone say they are writing up a contract with the significant other, maybe you could be a little more open minded to what their actual goal is for the relationship. Couples can also use what is called a couples course skills evaluation as shown in Appendix B (Wright, 1999). Using this grading format or altering it to fit one’s marriage can be very helpful in the years to come. This can keep the couple from becoming a statistic with a commitment to a schedule time for each other, chores, sex, and other things that may come up in the marriage. So for anyone looking to make a contract with their significant other, by all means, go for it. Bring a jar to the bedroom and be prepared in the future to get a bigger jar, because life throws situations at you that require some alterations and negotiations. Both you and your spouse must be willing to change with the times to make the marriage and friendship last beyond the so-called average lifespan of a marriage.
References
Chatzky, J. (2006, April). For richer or poorer, unless we get divorced. Money, 35 (4): 34-36. Retrieved July 19, 2006, from Academic Search Elite database.
Divorce rates. (2005, February 8). Retrieved September 1, 2006, from Americans for Divorce Reform Web site:
Pickett, I. (2003, August). The relationship contract.Retrieved July 24, 2006, from
Schoonmaker, D. (2006, March). Protect marital assets. Grand Rapids Business Journal. B2-B8. Retrieved July 29, 2006, from - 12k
Wright, C. (1999). The healthy relationship contract. Retrieved July 28, 2006 from
Zagor, K. (2006, May 29). I declare a chore war.Maclean’s, 119 (22): 34-36. Retrieved July 19, 2006, from Academic Search Elite database.
Appendix A: Survey Results
Total # surveyed / # agreeing with a marriage contract before reading research paper / # disagreeing with a marriage contract before reading research paper / # with no opinion prior to reading research paper25 / 6 / 16 / 3
Total # surveyed / # agreeing with a marriage contract- after reading research paper / # disagreeing with a marriage contract after reading research paper / # with no opinion after reading research paper
25 / 17 / 6 / 2
This survey showed that many have a misinterpretation of what a marriage contract is all about. Not all marriage contracts are restricting or used as a show of power. By doing the survey before and then after the subjects read the research, the results showed how marriage contracts can be misconstrued as being bad, but also showed that the subjects surveyed were open to arguments about the benefits of marriage contracts.
Appendix B
1st of Month______
THE COUPLES COURSE
Monthly Couples Skills Evaluation Form
Evaluate your experience of the use of these skills by you and your partner in the last month.
A = Very Good B = Good C = Fair - Please do better N/A= Not Applicable
Skills / You / Partner / To be on track to an "A" . .GENERATING PLEASURE TOGETHER
Initiating meaningful Connections daily
Initiating Caring Behaviors Partner enjoys
Attention to Loving Surprises / Romance
Doing Fun activities together
Pleasure Dates
Celebrating Special Events together
Each feel Nourished - Affection/Sexually
Overall Sense of Fulfillment
TENSION SIDE OF THE LEDGER
Accountability & Keeping Your Word
Request & Give Advice appropriately
Owning your 90's / Tension with others
Protecting others from Blame / Tension
Relating Skills: Summarizing, Validate, Empathizing sufficiently
Solution-Solving & Reinforcing skills
Express / Vent Tension in safe structures
Process Upsets
in healing structure as needed
After Disconnecting: Initiate Discussion
of what tools we’ll use next time
Progress, Effort, Willingness to Change
Comments / Needs / Suggestions / Ideas:
(Wright, 1999)